earned not given

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Its been over two weeks since I made it to become a MARATHONER. And there are overwhelming emotions in regard.  First of all, I have to admit, the first time I decided to run the epic distance was when I was 18. I know it seems like yesterday, and in fact it was yesterday, haha. Not.

So, age of 18 I wanted to run a marathon, but instead I completely quit running overall.  I decided to live the life the fullest, in terms of a typical teenager. And it was ok, I had my fun.  And I did not miss running.

Years later, I tried several times to pick up the habit to practice running again, with no success, I was never committed enough I guess. Liked to attend some street races, liking the vibe, it was ok to run between two cigs, but felt really ashamed when someone recognised me and realised they were all surprised by my really bad results.

But as it turned out 2014, the year of running really worked, and I seem to still keep up, in fact, I got so attached to running that someone might should call it addiction. This led to the realisation to run a Marathon finally. I wasn’t sure I was trained enough, but I couldn’t find a better time and better crew to do it with, so I  registered to Berlin.  Oh, Berlin, my city of so many and more memories. The city I first didn’t understand, the city so understandable by now.

Couldn’t wait, but also was really afraid. Not hiding emotions, I could never do that, I stood out there and shouted that I’m so fvcking scared, what if I fail? Did what should not be done pre race. Drank, too much, smoke, even though I haven’t for like 5 years.

BUT THAN IT JUST HAPPENED.

I ran, and I smiled all the way. I know I smile a lot. Even when running.  But not all the way usually. 42.195 km of pure smile, and such a good feel. There is the gel issue I cannot quite solve yet, which made me nervous sometime during the course, the whens and hows, and wheres, but looking back it didn’t seem such problematic.

And there was the enormous crowd, the power of the crowd I already experienced in Gothenburg, where I could not stop crying because of their love towards every single runner on the course. Here it was something different though. Here, I actually proved myself I can reach a goal, I achieve, it was more than the usual half marathon.  When running in Kreuzberg emotions arose, my berliner friends shouting my name, Misi cheering so loud and extreme totally not like himself,  and the thought that the rest of the crowd is also there for me, but who I didn’t know personally, and the kids trying to receive a high five – I did give everyone I could – it all made me start to cry and laugh at the same time.  I actually had to calm myself not to mess up the breathing, and concentrate to finish the course.  Thankful. So thankful.

And than afterwards, to realise I did it, and I don’t want to do it anymore.  I hated the gel-ing, I hated it took 3:34 minutes.  That was immediate reaction.  By next day, I was so reads for my new marathon, and looked for dates already.  And I’m going to my 2nd challenge in 3 weeks.  Runners high big time.

ps.: I’m once again crying just to think back.  Perhaps it’s the song I’m listening to, right.  Ellie love song.

I’m so overly emotional, like the hormones playing some game with me or something.  But it’s just a pure realisation of liking running, and the feel of post running so much.  Thank you for the running! And thank you for the best crew, J., S., G., and Z and L and every letter in the alphabet, l love you all!!!

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