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Boys dont cry, while ‘big girls crying when their hearts are breaking’. Listening to Sia-Chandelier-not really paying attention to the lyrics but rather liking the sound – right on time l’m getting to the meeting point. I realize, l’m playing a boy today, part of the all male crew running the marathon.
There are several ladies, perhaps a lot, but they are all lining up for the half.

Sunday. Kvazibarki Gerilla Marathon day.
Waking up early on a Sunday, also a National Holiday was not an easy task. Instead, l was not sure, l actually slept at all, was missing the focus and some significant others. Showing up 2 minutes late, l happened to be the last one to arrive, everyone chit-chating and all l once again felt a bit awkward entering the crowd. I was still sleepy, deep in my thoughts and music locking out world.
But had to speed up and get ready to the session, starting with greeting some l like, look through some l have no idea of their secret of popularity. People are blind sometimes. Anyways.
I lined up with the big guys to start yet another marathon, just less than a week away from Nagoya, where l #ranlikeagirl. Different athmosphere, perhaps different state of mind.
In Nagoya l was excited, here a bit more relaxed probably. A week in between the two brought some changes, great emotions, but that lead to the fact to start to worry about it. I’m like that unfortunately. This time, no race anxiety, this time fully occupied with thoughts and the missing of my bed and sleep took over my actions. But had no time to realize and analyse, had to start. With the guys.
I wasn’t even sure how much l planned to run, no plan whatsoever, l just ran. Was not talkative, nor dreamy, l was concetrating not to fall asleep. My mind was in the other hand so busy. Mainly on the decision making of how much ro run. I was also really cold, l dressed like l would dress for a race, but we were a lot slower, we took it easy. So l was cold.
I wasn’t really enjoying. My legs were doing the active part, rest of the body were somewhere else. I wasn’t sure this is possibble to run so much like this. Bodylearning.
But than between 25 and 30 km l woke up. And l started to enjoy. And l felt alive. So alive l wanted to leave the guys behind, but they were the ones knowing where to go so l sticked to them. Started talking, chatting and perhaps being a girl. Guys seemed tired so l tried to cheer them up, probably they just got annoyed of me, l all of a sudden felt weightless and calm and happy. I guess l woke up.

Finishing the race was like l don’t have to finish at all, could keep going.

Doubts over the weekend,, those four days, the too much thinking made it impossible to enjoy the now and there, the joy of finishing another big M, it just seemed natural, and ok.

But seriously, l ran 2 marathons on 2 following weekends, on 2 different continents, l guess l’m powerful and capable. But still, big girls cry sometimes too.

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