It must be post marathon blues of a kind. Taking the day off, the mind cannot rest.
Something you wish for realistically cannot happen, and that is just too hard to cope with. Too hard to understand that moving mountains in terms of being able to understand my own body my own strength by running a lot of miles, with such easyness, there are other things you cannot really have an effect on. Life being gentle and calm otherwise, but it is me who cannot calm down. It is me, who seeks for the perfect happiness, the world where I can be myself, with no make up and diverse characters on.
Challenge of the mind. Bodylearning.
Living the life the fullest for me means no pretending, being honest, and say out loud what I think, caring little over the consequences. Reading minds, or perhaps talk honestly to each other. I’ve been to stages where I cared to act socially acceptable normal, however being selfish is not my thing in terms of thinking of myself only.
I look at my daughter, she is laughing and she is happy, in fact other parents and nursery teachers tell me they never saw a happier kid in their life before, and this makes me proud. Want her to stay like this, if she is willing to of course, it is her life. But this makes me also super insecure, because I know, she is happy because I’m happy, or at least partially I have an effect on her, so I need to keep being happy and secured of myself. When I run, I usually know my limits, I know how to secure my happiness on the road, not too much overpushing myself. But in real life I’m really hard on myself, and really push to reach my own standards and my own dreams. I seem pretty strong and straightforward to strangers and the ones I work with. No surprise being a producer I seem tough. Same with running. I look tough, although I play on the safe side. I push myself hard as long as it feels good, funny side of life this still makes me stand out of the average crowd. Not really though. If I pushed harder, probably better results would come, but the joy might be gone and it might would hurt too. However, behind my strong outlook with the famous killer jawline like Kate Moss, a supersensitive soul rests. Which never rests. Always doubting on my own ability and my own power, and my own being. However I can analyse and in fact I also know the terms of my state of mind – luck of a psychologist – I’m not good to act accordingly. I understand but do not understand myself, or not willing to.
Therefore I run, and give advice to others.
I’m a social person outside, the one always stands out in the crowd, though not on purpose. I drink, but I can be drunk with no alcohol in no time too, if I’m happy and perhaps in love. Or feeling loved. I’m also a rollercoaster, with ups and downs. I probably overreact mora times than not.
I found running was the most honest thing I can do to myself, as being totally me. However, what it is still me, the socially active me with a lot of doubts.