Ok. So there are three movies shot at the same time. And there are two runs for the day. There are also one conf call for sure, but I’m also sure there will be at least one more.
From 7 am there are phonecalls in every five minutes, waking up my daughter, so I multiple myself, one is taking the calls, the other one is cooking some breakfast and making tea. There is a thirs one of me somewhere, totally lost and thinking mood.
My head and heart needs to seperate. I have to operate.
Last night was read night becoming read late night later read dawn.
My head needed to be seperated from my heart.
While taking calls in the morning I pack the gear for two of my runs. I try to locate my car key, but I realize I left the car at work last night.
A fourth film begins in no time and representative drinking took place in the form of screening and putting a mask on to forcesmile.
Had separate the head and the heart. With no success whatsoever.
I’m sorry. I have to write, write it out. No stylistically overthought, nor built up, too much metaphors already? Foolish me. I need to write.
While I multiply myself taking tasks in a way time management requires, I’m still the one, and only. The one and only who cannot be forgotten, but who can be replaced. Like everyone else. Like all the one and onlys.
I’m packing my gear, calling a cab, while waiting on the babysitter and drawing elephants in the terrace with a purple chalk. I count the oranges, I know they taste so bad, but there are thirteen of them. No much place left for the leaves. Nor for new ones. To flourish. But still, there are fresh little ones might grow to something. Flourish.
Brought in too much metaphors. Clear enough.
While I pack my running outfits, I also need to pack for the girl running her first marathon this weekend. This reminds me another girl doing the same. Exciting. I so wish her the best. Everyone deserves the best. Her in big time. I’m almost as anxious as on my own first. When two days prior I arrived to Berlin eating out in some trash thai eatery, sneaking into the storage room called kitchen, but in thai. We were almost strangers to each other but already pretty drunk on the cheap wine, something I like even though being snob, but I take it as I’m just too snob not to drink the cheap wine. In Berlin, where you can have good beer too, anyways.
The best phone of the morning was when he called, and asked whether he was calling the right number. How should I know I told him. Hoping to hang up and get back to drawing a flower on the floor, but he definitely wanted to call me to do final sound for a turkish movie. I don’t know how many ways I have to think at the same time. But one thing for sure mind and heart need seperation today. Too.
Berlin was fun. All new people, all new impulses. And enormous feel of friendship love, because we were in the same shit. Two days prior we got drunk and talked to people in my own language, easy and freely. One day prior, I met the ones I knew from pictures, the international family. We were at this pastaparty bridging the gap, this time just a beer for some. We went to bed quite early. The girl next too, but could not sleep she kept coughing, I couldn’t sleep either. Than the race. My first.
I need to seperate the mind from the heart, sitting in a taxi, the driver keeps talking, I keep writing. It is my way of separating. To think on things not really matter. Take some calls, the driver keeps talking, he is not bothered, I’m getting pretty mad. I keep writing, this is my way. My head starts to hurt, I feel like vomiting, cannot read nor write in a car. Car sickness.
I will probably keep on writing until I leave for a run. This time, I will run with my mask on. I always do that, when not running with ones I feel I can open up. Noone really sees when I’m somewhere else, out of my own body. Except one, not reading my mind though, but sees the nuances, like a wrinkle deepening or something like that. Feels me in a way.
But today my mind needs to be seperated from my heart.
Work. Simoultaneously with running. Another work or fun?! in the evening, the one where I really have to put a mask on. Because in a way it is important to me to be there, if not 1000%, but at least a hundred percent.
Track attack wednesday is back. Mind has to be set on the pace. Smile has to be put on to race. Race the elements this time.
Not only track attack to attend, but to take part. Differently, not for my own pleasure – how intervalls could be anyways – but to show others it is awesome good. To command them. And to command myself to smile. I know I will loosen up, and finally enjoy the day turning evening, to be with strangers, no strings attached. No need to open up.
It is a weird environment. Running community. I could never imagine it could bring so much emotions to my life. Well needed ones to a sensitive soul. Dealing with ups and downs. Meeting and talking to fellow runners I would never talk to in real life. Being a snob. And others I wished I knew for my entire life. But az least 20 years or so.
Talking to people to realize we are not different at all. Attachment sorta.
Today it will be somehow different. People attending both runs today are definitely not my type in terms of same interests etc. Although we have one common interest and that is running. First run will be about words I don’t know the meaning of, and watches and gps tracking and all kind of perhaps interesting topics I will have to force myself to listen in order to seperate the mind and the heart.
Una mas. For the night. Eveningrun in the other hand will be label focused. I can talk about that for hours, in the snobbish way, but that noone would understand. I talk about label in exclusives, not the common garments they sell. Mofo snob to stand out. But perhaps I’m just simply an outsider.
On both runs.
An outsider, because conventions, universal and social ones are so hard to follow. I’m no good doing it in power. Spontan perhaps, and over reactingly, even feel to swallow words back.
But this is why the head and the heart needed to be seperated this time.
To loose my head I so wish for in moments, hours, even half days will come when time and obligations permits. If needed to happen anyways.
While I was packing, I put on my headband not to forget to bring with my running gear. Dressed up for the day. And my daughter asked to put on the identical headband for her, so she could look like minime and pretend to go on fur a run. With her toyphone in hand.
Writing helps me to loosen up, but I’m getting there. Just automatically answering phones, be in three movies at the same time, changing from office attire to pleasure gear.
Writing helps, running works. And finally reading a book. Not now, overnights, when I keep on being awake, while dreaming too.
But the mind and heart needs to be seperated. Though when I think, I’m calm and heartwarmingly smiling.
I think I just seperated the mind from the heart.