The way it goes

 Lucian Freud -The girl in bed

It was a wednesday evening when I felt such and adrenaline rush going through my body, my veins sticking out f blood pressure flowing, smile so big and honest, some words that changed the mood in a brief second, me sitting on the track casually talking with my mask on. It was just one of those track attack wednesday’s where I have the job to do. 

I paced the team of 4:30-s as the warm up. This already set the mind to a calmer state, however things you just cannot throw out of the window of the brain if such things would exists, though I probably wouldn’t anyways. Resting on the track came the coach asking whether I wanted to do a marathon on the weekend. Already having 50km in my legs for the week of course I said yes. This should have been my rest week though, but I also wanted to compete. With myself only naturally, the way I am. It has been almost teo months since Nagoya, my last race.

And than all of a sudden we were on the road, three girls, one I knew well, one I knew only that she runs with the fast guys. Maxi and mini, my friend with her model heights and the lady runner so short even compare to me I could feel my modelself rising to the sky too.

Driving te huge car all the way to Italy, rushing to the expo to pick up the bib, than to the hotel, just to be on time for the carbofuel in some trieste eatery. Feeling weird inside, warming up outside, it’s fun to be away of problems and thoughts I thought. Inside burried anxiety and unsureness. A bit of a pasta for the purpose of fueling up but opting for fritto misto and some local wine. My way, I need to enjoy the athmosphere. Easing up on white vino, mezzo caraffe the girls’ night turned fun. Talking of life and forgetting the pressure of tomorrow’s goal running times.

I didn’t know what to run. I wanted to push so I said I would join one of the girls as she was willing to go for a 3:25. I wasn’t sure though. My wall seems to be 3:30, cannot break that down I thought. Walking back to the hotel already dark, anxiety rose, afterall in less than 12 hrs, I had to be at the startline, no matter how good the wine felt I started to get nervous, delaing with battles inside of me, where running pace only took a little part of the stresslevel itself.

I thought my worries would overtake me from the girls’ weekend, but laying down on the bed still talking with the mini lady, the girl I barely knew, I realized my heart is slowing down, pulse to a normal level, and I went to the state of enjoying the chatting. Different perspectives, a bit of confident I could steal from the moment, perhaps a wayof calming the mind, I felt I could concentrate and actually think of running a 3:25 marathon.

We talked for quite long, and I felt something I haven’t feel for a long time: a state of being withoutbeing overwhelmed on either joy nor depression. Couldn’t sleep on the bed was at the hotel, nor the sheets reached my norms, but I didn’t worry on that either. Nor did I worry on my lack of worriness, I accepted. I accepted my existence, my state of mind, my way of me then and there. I mantrad the 3:25 million times and it felt ok, no nervousness came back for the rest of the night.

Than came morning, and I still had the power from last night’s ‘lady in bed’ situation. I was and still thankful for this mini lady. I feel like I missed her personality all these times we ran for the last six or so months together, we never talked, just ran together. She is great, the mini lady.

Race day started, nervousness came in a much different way this time. Race nervousness, I was ready for everything, my 3:25 to reach.

This is how we lined up for the startline. Wished good luck to each other, and allore we went for a 4:50 pace. In my mind I was Lucian Freud’s Girl in bed. 

Allore, brava, forza along the way…

 

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