Story of my life


 One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. This philosophy fitted on to my early adult life, when I saw the improbable, the implausible, often the “impossible,” come true. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Selfesteem issues.

Feeling monday-ish.

Smile so smile

There is an issue with my vibe. Serious, although I look funny, but it is Monday, that time of the week. Also happens to be a rest day regard to the running plan I don’t tend to follow due to the fact that being spontaneous is fun, and I like to be fun and spontaneous, and I don’t even know when and where this sentence will finish, but least put an end to it. Doesn’t make sense anyways. 

I keep thinking of our big run around the corner with someone with a new addiction to running but keeping own life following the routines what life requires and we think require and we believe in ourselves in times and sime when not, like we are running but also drink and also smoke and also work but most importantly being parents and have our lives. How will it effect our future if and we do finish this race that hardly matters to outsiders such as our partners or the ones we are living with. 

I also think of big friendships developed thru my running – not vallis alps thru ones -, the ones really matter, which brings inspiration to the mind turning legs into motion, the ones I can call now up or they can reach me with non-run related issues, problems, crisises. Girls and boys too. Emotional. And there are some more important ones from the circle the ones wish to be friends instead. Would have been simpler and probably better, at least I would feel worth.

When I don’t think alone I’m usually around people. Feeling low or high, usually the latter, social personalisification I seem to smile extraordinary when someone is around me, the more the better way, exponentially, perhaps the reason why people are attracted, the ones actually take notice, others look thru me, the vallis alps kinda way. Not really, it is either attraction or repulsion, nothing in between black and white with no grey in between.

Overreacting magnet inside and out, though outside must seem different. Like a man on its bike with a basket in front with the cutest puppy in, or driving a volskwagen type one, an oldtimer mini or a fiat 500. Brings smile to the most sorrow people too, although the object, the biker the mini driver might not be in their perfectest amelie kinda mood, and won’t react to the happy faces they bring into people’s mind at first sight. Do people care? Do they even realize, the one brings the brief smile to the face might have its own problems, issues of life? 

I do smile, and I do work on others to smile on, because this makes me smile too. Smile is metaphorical, goodfeel is the goal to achieve. I probably overreact on my own effect on others, though I have no proof, I like to believe I make other feel better in times. However, life is not always bright, and power looses its effect when reaction towards fail to arrive to its subscriber. Because it is not what they are willing to see, the one always seem happy enough to make the other cheer up cannot be low on mood, therefore not willing to accept the fact that sometimes the party clown needs some cheering up attention and mood rising push. 

Pretty confusing to understand an  individual built up of emotions, little bit of selfesteem with the knowledge of the affect having on others simply by being alive. Schizofrenic in a way, bipolar the other way, maniac depressed the time feeling the worst. Mondays. Others tend not to take notice when reaching out for a nice talk, a serious one where real thoughts could evolve, they rather dissapear, hard to realize, that a mini driver can feel bad at times too. They suppose to make our lifes brightful for a second not to turn us down.

Mondays seem thoughtful and a bit dark lately. Thoughts evolve, absence starts to be overstated, self esterm immediately drops. It is good to have some important ones really know the true self in these times for a reach out, though Amelie also seemed not to have any close nor real friends only the ones relied on her. But in the other hand everyone has their own issues and problems, why tiring them with small little matters, like being heartbroken, left out, or just simply feeling fat. 

Writing out is one way and I like to write, though once again this is noone’s business, especially the one causing it, please stop reading. Words are just spreading anyways, no sense but also wish for no sensibility. 

I wish life was easier, less hues, less saturated, perhaps black and white. Like turn off and on a button if needed. Shut it down or just sleep mode. I do not believe nor can I achieve turning off. Mute, with no picture on.

I started this whole running to finally be alone to be myself, to be. Not to listen not to react not to immediately try to save the world or at least the person accompanying volunterally to be a so called friend, a partner, anyone who just needs to suck out some liveliness from me to feel better. Perhaps I’m too selfish to keep some power to myself, not willing to give to others and feel like a balloon with all the air spreading out just a brief second to jump around in the air seem happily. I thought run would help to achieve my own percect calmness. 

But I became a balloon in the running society as well, I first let someone blow me up in order to release me just a brief second later, giving some excitement to them with either being a helium version and suck on it, breathe in and keep in for a while, or the one pumped up with air, dropping it causes an enormous power releasing itself than at finally drop airless and powerless on the ground. That was it folks kinda way, you had your fun it is time to move on. 

And I am left behind, on the floor like any given Monday, just to squeeze myself back up the next day and start running the same circles. 

So ordinary no ordinary in any ways. 

I’m proud to be different and I’m proud to be crazy and I like to cheer people up. I like to run and I love in fact, I’m ok to be called addicted, and to be sensitive. I like to write it out, and if someone can just throw me away that is ok as well, I will survive. If I meant that much I accept, good to have in someone’s mind for a bright, might be to bright for a second or less. There are the Mondays when I think it must be a full moon feeling so extremely lowish but people around me who don’t know me give the power to overcome, and running gives happiness. 

Faking the smile, although I do sometimes but it is not me, however reaction also works on my side too, I’m the kinda mini driver who gets a smile from a passing by pedestrian makes me feel better too, so this is why although I run to be alone I run in groups. 
Ps. And fvck you really to throw me away like trash, saying it is worthless, keep ur ego, all it mattered anyways. And thank you my girl to listen my pain and doubts over and over again. 


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