When one must only think of the forthcoming event. When suddenly the mind game needs to be taken seriously, when the unanswered needs to seeked in answers, although cannot be answered. Metaphors overload.
Why to take such a challange? Why did I loose my sense and said yes to something so painful?
How on Earth did this happen? And since it happened, how will I deal with it. How to be more powerful and at the same time cheerful too? How will I ever be happy about myself and how will it go?
When will I get enough? And when will I get calm?
What is with running to have such an effect on me and in fact so many others? What makes it so addictive for me?
D-6 and I cannot rest. I’m anxious and I’m worried. But I’m also tired and also super ready and full of power. I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m definitely not an adult, I’m a moody little school girl with so much emotions I sometime think I cannot handle. So I run. But emotions brought up in running cannot be handled with running, or can it? So I run. I sometimes wish to runaway from this world, the mirror I need to face and I don’t like the one looking back at me. I wish to cry so I run. But I just laugh so I run. Do I love to run so I run?
Do I love running?
I miss it when I don’t, but is that loving running at the same time? Tapering can be moody and experimentative, but I cannot just run. To overcome. Things needs to be looked through and analysed. Even nonsense matters in order to make sense. But does everything needs to make sense at all? Like why enter a race to run over a hundred km-s? It doesn’t make sense.
Pressure is on on so many dimensions. I’m fortunately not the one posting with proud and looking for likes, my challenges I partake all over the world, but nontheless quite some people know about my next big one to run. They are even if not telling expect something or at least have an opinion about it. Is it a prove to them if I/we finish? Not so much, but if I/We quit, they will once again have a word on their opinion, at least how sorry they feel, or something. I don’t care about that, but to face anything less than not finishing is a pressure on myself I have to deal with myself. Pressure to finish, but what is the gain when achieved? i will know more about myself? Or simply get to the same state of mind as usual after a marathon that there is more in me. Even if crying at the finishline. Do i prove anything to myself? Pressure to deal with tapering, which in one hand takes off the pressure of the body but gives an enormous thinking phrase especially since I experienced a way of being ready for a race not long ago vs. completely fooling my mind to be ready on previous races. They say I’m tough and strong both in body and mind to race. But I know better, I know myself or so I think. I know how I go run when problems stack up or out of oure happiness, or going insane thinking and overthinking on one specific topic. This time, running which I overthink and I’m not allowed nor that I want to jeopardize the race with running away to run. Pressure to not face this all alone, knowing my own limits, my own ways. We are two this time, and we must listen and build each other. I gotta keep up for the other, built his confidence meaning hide my doubts.
When in university, mid-terms and exam periods were all about questioning myself on all levels, but never achieved to fully set my mind on studying. I was in crisis all the time, but also seeked for crisis, could not function without. And I hated crisis. I know that about myself and I know I need to loose the habit. Do not seek problems to avoid deep mind games throughout tapering. Accepting the little voice pro and against is almost if not harder than the physical preparation for the race. My currnt state of mind… Is it real or just taking the pressure off of the race. Do I really feel sad and down?
Like I wanted to be alone but could never be alone. To face my own thoughts, was always easier to be around other people with other problems. Not that I had any other than myself. And this is how I found even more to worry about, and question myself even more.
Pressure on everything. Eating, not eating, running, no running, talk to someone, or don’t bother. Be nice, or just pretend to be nice, or even better, don’t give a shit and just focus on myself. People, who just ping, who I don’t know and even though thought would be interesting to talk to, but than I rather not. Boring. This only to avoid the real feelings faced, the real meanings to understand, though these are nonsense, feelings cannot be logically explained. Just happen. The over feeling of love towards people who are around, to press to feel less love perhaps to one, because it is too much to handle. Who do I fool really?
I’m preparing. In so many ways. Running plan, mind to direct focusing mode, eating, but also to build the other if I cannot focus on myself and becuase we are two in this, because this is how I am, and I wish others would be the same. Or not. I prepare mini things to make it major and better throughout the race. I want to make the best out of it, because as soon as it ends it only will remain a memory, no more.
Races are different than real life. In real there are things harsh ones remain and have to be dealt with prolonged. Race can be taken away in the memorylane and be replaced with the next one. In my life there are things that just cannot simply be replaced. Nor people. People saying or not even saying goodbye are a loss and their absence creates crisis in terms of self acknowledgment as well, though this is the least important aspect of it. I terribly miss my grandma, but the way I miss her is such a small aspect comparing how I remember her and how she really was… Going off topic, though not in fact.
There are some people around me I feel so much love towards and I cannot express in fact I act unnice, bothered, arrogant sometimes ignorant. Than I feel the guilt and try to act better next time just to feel the same once again, running in circles. Loved ones new and old. Too much to handle but wish friendships could ease the pressure, to keep in touch forever. Be the special, whatever.
Tapering begun, and thoughts are to be dealt with.
Love running and perhaps my endurance and power is really coming from the way I love in general. Born to run quote above. And that is building my confidence. Level to start with… Six days to go.