Mind game

Ph. by Mary Ellen Mark

This is not my favorite from her, but sums up my days if not my life. 

Wanting the feeling of living in the moment for the moment, to acknowledge and realize every single frame – 24 in a second – my being of now. Because tapering as well as the rest of the world for me needs to be understood. I work like that, though lot of technical details involved, nuances, I hate the feeling when I’m not aware of everything, simple misunderstanding leads to failing to get a job, something like that. I run like that, I listen to my body, and I’m the only one knowing where and where to stop, or not. I live like that, in need of understanding every aspect, though it is not possible, and sometimes I even dream bigger to wish I could know others thoughts. Not possible either. i also eat like that, as soon as I start I want more, I drink like that, I play like that, I laugh and perhaps cry like that. 

And now I taper like that. 

This will be my first ever race that was previously planned. None of my marathons I took part was scheduled into my dailies more that three weeks advance. Possibly always less, not to leave place to doubts and questionings. This time, ultrabalaton was decided about five months ago, making me ever nervous on such a long preparation mentally, physical prep just came along I guess, I run like that: want more and more. I guess.

And in comparison the race seems quite quick, although it is 220 km and at about 22 hours. An ultra. 

Therefore I want to live every second of it, learning every aspect of it for further inprovement, but mainly on self learning terms.

Like I’m reading this book I wish would never end – though if I find a book I love I keep reading til the end with not even stopping to eat nor take notice of the outside world-  to keep me in the occupation of understanding the deep meanings of the sentences really meant, inspecting my own self while visualizing the storyline. Funny enough I’ve had this book for over a year, but i first opened it couple of weeks ago and I plan to finish it just before the race start, possibly when lying in bed the night before the ultra if I don’t get my well deserved night tale. A running book, a serious mindgame explanation book of a kind making me realize I might be one of them, the true lovers of running though not the same level. I used to be a runner, the so called wannabe I now understand the meaning of it, it wasn’t derogative nor mean, it was really just a word with a real meaning, me being out on the streets, running and thinking I own the asphalt, the trail, the day, the night. But I was nobody, not that I am someone now. But my mind changed. I appreciate my body, the people around me, the suffers, the joy, the hard work. Though my own hard work came spontaneously and was not taken as hard work in fact. It just evolved to 2 a days runs sometimes 3, over 120k weeks, the need of going out as much as possible. Developing some kind of a habit, maybe a new way of life, new understandings and new meanings. I guess I used to run for a kind of social appearance even when alone, for a state of mind, for being on drug-feel, for the reasons I laugh on about now. I’ve run to feel better afterwards, but the trainings and times I’d put in the last months gave me the reasoning that the run itself during is something special something that makes me who I am. So obsessed and occupied with running lately, I need to understand the why-s. I don’t consider myself an average recreational runner anymore, nor an athlete. Lifestyle would be a word if the word wouldn’t simplify the whole as it is.

I’m probably the same old self, only to take something to an extraordinary level once again in my levels. 

I don’t train to be the best. I run because I love the whole process, not only the end. Tapering is on, and the race seems a quicky compare to the preparation and the tapering itself, and I wish it would last for longer. Never thought I would say anything like that, me being spontan, a quick tempered, living in the moment all of a sudden feeling the urge to chew on every momentum of the happenings. To make it last. To postpone the end. Not that it could end like that. But the race will be over at one point leaving a well deserved emptyness behind.

Prep contained serious and least questionable if not bullshit advice quite a few in fact. But from point zero I automatically sticked with one advice and one opinion, though at that time probably only meant as a nice one saying things on a way seemed laid back and definitely less proud than any other advisors. It worked perfectly with my bodyworking my way of life, my own understandings. It soon became more.

It just happens like that. Thoughts overwhelm in a good way. We are common on a lot of things. Thinking is one thing – although it is probably hard to accept the fact being a snob on the first hand 🙂 – , acting and reacting and non talking and talking, and living and running. Big words even when no words, pretty awesome stuff though, handling is fragile and a must, not that it the real shit is ever mentioned nor accepted. But it gives calmness and relief. No overtalked overthought, overran, overreacted, just simply there, although trying to concienve it is not real but in fact it is. If not, than that is also ok, really worth the time and place and body. Selflearning.

I want to live through every second of it. It is probably what I missed in my NY marathon last year being so occupied with scratching the surface only, not trying to understand the drives and the vibes. I must do differently this time. 

I cannot wait to run and share the weekend and freeze every possible moment to be recalled in my memory later good and bad ones, all the ones build me up and keep me running to be able to look back in order to be able to look further in the future.

And here is one of my favorite from Mary Ellen Mark.

Rip. She really was somehow a lady I wished to be in terms of photographing people in such an empatic but also realistic way, where the b&w photograhps give a whole colorful background story of its object. Kinda Molly Sims but less fame around her. 


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