Future tense

 
Where will you run my daughter asked me while we were hanging out in our terrace overlooking the city under the full moon. Where do you want to go I asked back instead of answering and she started her long speech explaining every detail. 

She liked London, where the chipmunks were and the sitting in the top of red buses she said, she also mentioned Holland but that was due to the fact that she wanted me to read Jip and Janneke in dutch, telling me this while handing over the book. She doesn’t remember Sweden though was 2 years old at the time, nor Berlin where I went without her. She liked Japan, even though she only saw Nagoya through skype. I read one tale from Jip and Janneke, than she stood up, and looked over the city, while saying: mommy there is New York, pointing at the only tall building of Budapest. ‘I like New York very much’ she said. 

I told her my plans, I told her about racing in Budapest in the summer, and the countryside bit later some trail race I’ve done last at age 17 followed by a 6hrs relay with new found mates. Than Berlin-San Francisco-New York. 

At least I have plan, at least this oart of my life, I thought while going through the months of the year. But otherwise I’m stuck. Stuck at work at a point I cannot jump over, a state of mind situation, there is plenty to develop but carrier-wise seem to hit a certain level and nowhere to grow. I try to make it fun though, but I’m no fun anymore. Summer is here, and I just don’t feel like summer.

I make it summer though, pretend at least. Bikecommuting to work post waking up so early I cannot even believe I’m capable to live on so little sleep, to go out there and run. Riding my bike feels great, I listen, not, I sing along the songs superloudly I listen to while on the way, I love the feeling of fresh breeze while on my bike, my hair played by the wind, messing it up even more. Songs make me feel like I’m being filmed like a videoclip to be done. Previous years this made me so free and calm and happy. But I’m being robotic this year.

I try not to feel bad, I try not to feel deceived, an object to be used. I go run, but I wish I went more. But even during running I feel bored in a way. Some people keep telling me I have selfesteem issues, that I worth a lot, I really count, but I’m not. They are trying to be nice, some emphaty or at least sympathy from them I can feel and in fact this makes me feel better too.

Later I get back on my bike and ride home. Same as always, but this time, I just dont feel good. 

I keep reading to my daughter, and later when she is asleep I dream going on for a long long even longer run, because there I feel ok and free.

I wonder how long I could keep up with running, how long would it feel ok, and when the hate phrase would start if ever. I very much look forward to the hate period, and sometimes i feel like I’m already in it. Life is such a mess. But running for an hour or so it is either love or hate always.

Tension.

Future is there, but what is it in future? This post has no end this time…

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Morning miserable turning evening fine. There are friends and soulmates are for to be there. Family too. I’m ok. Not. But in a way I’m ok, and will be OK one day too.  And there is me to be there for them in need. Rely on each other. Thanks for the emotional support, but I’m no Oscar winning one; funny one though we ran into the Cannes Grand Prix winner last night, and he remained the same. (Jumpin’ around thoughts as my brain does, no selflearning, I know this about me). Being the shy one, reminded me of a song ‘not really’, a hit I sometimes can and sometimes cannot listen to too. But. Lately I revisit Anima Sound System for support – musiclearning – though this song I’ve never heard before, no matter how big a fan I was, new to me – szavak meghalltak, keresd a dalban. I sing along and even alone at least 20 times a day. Trueness/sadness/trueness.

I confessed the girls I won’t be able to join them tomorrow and instead of cancelling the whole ‘bettertogether’ event, they decided to join at an early hour, this is fvcking crewlove or what!!! Thanks for that, although I’m no Oscar winner, but sure feel like one.

Also, when getting bullied and than the bullier actually comes up with the same idea, that feels a remedy too. Hi crewlove concurency, good luck to bring the same vibe, I seriously wish the best of all! Last week you tried to stress me with success, today I laugh.

These are thoughts meaning none for others, but me and one who might keep up. Or not. I’m fine, I’m fine with my feeling and my being. And it makes me happy for moments. Thank for being, although I doubt the being sometimes. 

Not understanding? Please skip. I’m not insane, in fact I was never been so sure ever. 

Will get back to normal. In terms of what this blog is all about. No more psycho2live but style2run. But this is personal too. 

Sneaking out

  

Waking up not early enough for a decent run, not that it feels good anyways. Sneaking out without anyone noticing, but in fact it is too early for the brain to function, and the body to act accordingly. Not in simbiosis whatsoever, hands mess up, and the brain does not realize, fvck I did something bad on my phone, applications seem weirdly annoying, it is too early, so I rather delete everything that can cause misunderstandings, phone numbers, contact lists, even some memory-filled apps for calmness. Now, finally finding the right program, the right buttons, I’m ready to go, pushing start but feel ashamed and sorry. 

Sneaking out, I know run will help, but I gotta make it before anyone noticing. Not too early anymore. 1k, 2k, and comes the rest, I start warming up, this man joins and would not move from my side, along my strides. I let him go, slowing down, it is a solo one, I’m not social, I won’t be and can’t be anyways. But he is too slow, so I lenghten those strides and I pass him. It feels better warmed up, I keep running and thinking of today’s route, whereto, howmuch. Than I just cannot go any longer. I feel heavy and I am heavy really, I turn back and run to my car I left behind last night in order to drink a glass of pinot gris. Which afterall I didn’t even drink but left on the table, while listening to cheerful people as part of family by law being proud of my running and how powerful I was. That was the moment I left the room and went out to the roofterace to secretly cry. Cause neither powerful, nor proud I am. Running became a secret mission, a sneaking out session, something I need to lower emotinally to the level of neutralism, due to the fact that it makes the other unhappy. Keeping it back. Holding it back. Closing me up.

Not that it was hard to stop today. I felt heavy, ashamed, and totally misunderstood. I wonder how I could ever run the ultrabalaton or even any marathon or half ones, it seems like if it all happened that must had been centuries ago. 

Crew2run

 
Budapest, full of runners on any given summer Sunday, morning or evening, for breakfast or lunch or dinner. Who do you run with?

Facebook events to join crews, teams, even solo or duo. Multiple invitations, one must choose, tough life.

  

Or go alone. Be on your own, no selfies, no posts, just pure joy of being there myself.

Not this Sunday, not this week. Preferred company, running willingness decreasing with tiredness, solo runs turning into struggle to keep up a slow pace, and even music cannot speed it up. But in need of running, and canceling saturday – in the hope of lonely one would be a better option, but in fact it made it worse – sunday meant to run in crew once again. None of the social runs seemed convenient in terms of timings, Sunday is moral/family time afterall – I’ve heard this saying about 15 yrs ago from someone in context so absurd and lifelike, yes, he was cheating on his girl – as any given day of the week btw., we don’t go to church but at least spend some time together, like a nice huge italian family now averaging 10, but sometimes even more to attend. 

Nevertheless, morning run seemed more easy for others to swallow, a fact that I leave for a while creates guilt discussed earlier, but I needed some time. 

Huge wind pushed me back to startpoint on my bike quite a few times almost to the point to cancel again, glad I had an appointment with the Gourmet runner half way, so I needed to ride to make it on time. While he was talking I tried to bike along, got so tired by the time we made it to the track. Weird how motivational some people can be; I forgot all my heavy legs as soon as we meet and greet, and run feels ok even if speed is competitive; togetherness pushes me through my own boundaries. I feel weight dropping off my shoulders, I start to lose all the shit around me, I even feel something like worthiness. For a couple of seconds of so at least. Finishline means sitting together casually in our sweaty clothes, drinking and talking a bit before everyone leaves for their own Sundays. Even without drinking we are easygoing, pretty basic though, nothing deep to discuss, we scratch some topics but skip the conversation part, it is all about good vibes, a bit of a rest, we deserve anyways.

I lose and enjoy myself totally, laugh and have no time to think in between the lines, still being ironic makes me the outstanding participant of the brunch, I forgot to hold back once again in terms of just be one of the members observing the team. Because as soon I sit back just to listen people get nervous and they think I have a problem, start asking and spotlight is immediately back on me. I like to stay background, but usually never succeed. Some, I’m closer to in this group and as soon as I start wandering around with my eyes they seem to get curious if I feel low. I’m not sure how close we are as they think I can only smile, problemless and free spirit. When they see me upset, even if for a brief second they get a bit worried starting to ask questions. I do get  upset though, in fact I am pretty upset nowadays, lost interest in some aspects of life, such as running – to where exactly? Or what from to be more precise. But life is such a clown, as soon as I team up with someone, I smile, and it comes honest. Like to be alone, but lately alonness (not loneliness though) feels a bit tiring. 

This Sunday’s afterrun however, I felt totally ok, so ok I forgot everything happening outside of the table, even where I put my phone. For more than an hour the focus was on the group and its easiness, and it came natural, no pressure. We made plans for the next one. Special one, seem so far away from a sub 5min/km running group though we decided to go even further from only being runners on the road, we will TOGETHER go and will chill and dance afterrun. So easy so natural. 

Feeling full and smiley we rode back with the Gourmet to home, he kept talking and it was ok. No make up, no character plays.

While taking a shower, signing along I got a viberchat, whether this morning team creates an alternative to the original team I started to feel the crewlove not so long ago. Kvazibarki anchor getting worried if we are stealing the spirit of their social events. And there it hit me hard. Like I was flying up in and with the clouds, and than just got dropped hard on the asphalt. I was so happy for a brief second I haven’t felt for such a long time, being myself for only a second of so, and now it is time to get back to the real world. I sat down and started to write back, explaining how it should not be about competing but to enjoy the running and what brings out from us. I thought I was clear, honest and therefore should not be worried of jealous people. 

But as high of happiness came, so came the lowness too. Realizing the damage my existence my presence causes, just by sitting in for a coffee to a place I go like every other day, but this time I should have not – it is a free country, but sometimes it just hurt others to be present in a place, wtf., but I understand, would probably feel the same – , or going running with people I usually go anyways. Should I lock myself into a dark room? I have no self esteem, therefore no knowledge on how people’s mind react on my casual choices of living. I do have some self knowledge though, and I know I don’t matter, so why do I get all the bad feedback in terms of making people feel the urge to tell me I did something wrong. Wrong, seriously? Never do anything to do purposefully wrong to others…

Taking another time to run with another group, although this group is part of kvazibarki team too, this is how we met and  know each other the first place, this is how we started talking; shouldn’t it feel more ok to be happy for us? Like we met in the group this guy created and should feel proud that we actually stick together – even when this guy gave up on us and cared not to join, we still kept the team and the running up? Bit of proudness instead of jealousy please. Based on the pure fact that time for the other run was not ok for us. Yes, we did have fun afterwards, we do keep in touch off running too, but this is a good thing, nothing to be envied on; anyone can join really, and if they feel good, they can be part too. No competition. Why is it so complicated? 

Or it is me. I’m complicated. But sometimes it is good to leave everything behind and enjoy the moment. Apologies if it hurts anyone’s being, getting too much emotions into a simple workout session?!? 

Nothink2run

 
It seems thinking overtook the main drive of why it all started. To ease and not to think turned counting on averages and pace, using scientific words like limitation, tempo or fartlek, involving intervals and creating new dreams in PBs, comparing to others and ranks, carbofueling when totally no appetite.

In the beginning it was pure and easy, run til it feels good to become a social event, chatting and calling team mates, talking about workout plans and or shoes. 

Style lost the pure meaning and become a style of thinking. Social media sites turned user into social personnel, though the me time was in focus originally.

Meeting so many great people all over the world, the way the style and the same thinking of running.

Thinking overtaken everydays, social calendar getting full of crewruns. Feels good. And feels bad.

The main drive was lost somewhere and other aspects emerged. Crew, bridging the gap, fueling, no fueling, new shoes, new shorts.

Style. Never a fanatic in terms of outfit choices to run, though creative in dressing by heart not always meant universally excepted as stylish; I’m not the one making my hair nor up my face for races, I go easy as the original plan. 

Style. The way to run, and it also groups up with the way to feel. Before after and during. Main focus is in the body and mind inside and out. Dress the body and the heart too. 

Style. When running alone I wish I had company, so it would go easier. When with company I sometimes feel to be rather alone. But than again it goes easier with someone to run with. Even if it looses the main drive, the style 2 run. Perhaps it is only another style to experience. 

Dissertation experiment turned lifestyle habit and addiction turned the way of life. 

Style. To forget about PB, to achieve PB. Running is not my life though, overthinking rather is. My style.

I still have new goals and races and PB dreams, I still talk shoes and limitations, I attend social events as running with crews, but also willing to enjoy my ride on the running side of life; but running is not overtaking me anymore. I lost control somewhere along, and now getting my wings back. 

Style for the body and mind. 

Love story

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xIfSPKYBcEo
Thought it was funny rather than lovely, nor romantic.

Running is a mofo workout, and none to do with other than feeling free while running. Clearing the mind by blurring the mind. Runner’s high. Not academic rather psichological aspect.

And all that matters. Being honest? Being tough? Or an inspiration? All above, even if feeling weak, or noninspirational, missing a good one with the fast one, who turned from questioning me for my ability to run neither fast nor long to letsruntogether. And for what reason exactly? Missing not to face the pure facts. Being tired, fat and ugly some days, that is also me, feeling wordless and surprised, calm and stressed at the same time – time to be alone. Still, these days make it much more certain that run makes me free; free of thoughts, free of responsibilty, putting on masks, being characters, taking off the pressure to feel, or finally feel.

I’m never and ever so ready to run.

Running is not a workout; is a parallel living but also a way of living through, a solution to live the life living. Afterall, my life is me alone, no matter how many attachments are built up through one’s life. Ones we chose, ones came along with, ones we want, and the ones we seriously would love to erase. Gotta go so low in order to rise – cliche. Life full of cliches, rules to follow and break, socially exceptably, but in running there are no rules, strive only to stride longer, run faster, further, higher, lower. But there is no other responsibilty, requirments, only the ones one decided to take in order to achieve any goals as it own challenge.

For that reason that is why so ever hard. To get out there in wind and rain and cold and dark, or warm and to lose weight and to build that muscle, or just simply to be a runner. Recreational, like any sport done for the pleasure. We suffer in order to feel better. Like life. Or should life be.

I live life the fullest and suffer makes me wiser, joy makes me a kid once again, smile makes me smile, bullshit makes me laugh. 

I don’t seek happiness from others, I don’t act nor play for likes of others, I’m no poster child, nor post for anyone to show. I post though and it makes me happy when someone likes it, but this is not the main drive, nor should it be in real life. I kept forgetting who I was, I still keep and will most probably. But my happiness comes from my own ability to be happy, though sometimes I must cliche-wise feel down in order to feel high. Friends and benefits a good one too, but I rather liked to be liked by who I really am. 

And afterall running is a running. Emotional rise comes as a side effect comes as a benefit and live through.

I cannot wait to run tommorrow. To run free.

The only place where I feel free and weigthless. On days I enjoy. 

But on those days I love running.

This is my love story.

Psyche And running

 Running

Other than the pure joy to sweat to speed to get tired for the high, what is the reason so many of us get out there and run.

This time not alone. In fact, preferably never alone. Further focus we go run as friends. Fhrieeendz? Really? I mean like real friends? Or what exactly.

Run alone, later run in groups or alone. Going to races alone, going to races with running mates later going to races alone or with mates to meet running mates, even later going to races early enough to meet and greet all the buddies got to know through running, social event. Going to races either to run or cheer, because there are so many familier faces, ones to chat with a little, either get cheered by or cheer for.

I used to go to streetrunning events run or triatlon ones even when I haven’t restarted running and knew noone in the crowd, or just some, who I might not even seen. I used to be the one cheering loud, clapping and dancing around, giving power to strangers, the one I wish was participating as a runner, because of the athmosphere.

And here I am today. Running. Racing. And still loving the athmosphere. And I go to races earlier to meet people I know, to hang out. I go practice and run with people I know from running, and afterwards we hang out. We keep in touch off running. 

Are we friends?

Casual buddies, peers, mates, pals. Some definitely became friends. But would we become friends or even just buddies if running was off as common interest? Or is just our psyche playing around feeling much crewlove? Keeping up the good spirit so serious to actually break up running friendships or go even further feeling so much love you just gotta keep talking day and night, soulmate situation perhaps. Talking non run too, and this is when it become friendships from being running buddies. Is it all because of running?

Because obviously these people, we probably would never meet in other circumstances, or more probably we would. Noone knows. Diverse crowd, though not so diverse sometimes. Because it turns out among the crowd there are few or less we keep the outside of running world united too. 

Marilyn for instance I know for about a year, we met occasionally pre our running life, on parties – the ones dancing on tables and later the ones we brought our children too, when we became moms, but never talked really, we had so many friends in common instead – , but when we started running together we grew into a supertight friendship to talk secrets and gossip and issues of motherhood to each other. We call multiple times a day and chat on viber or imessage when off the phone. I was never too good with having girl friends, but this seem to last to a level I could not see myself not being close to her.

But this is unique, I don’t get so close to everyone on the team anyways, although another friendship is developing with another girl, I’m starting to surprise myself seriously. And of course there is M, who from teammates we became also close friends, so close that girls are actually jealous at me. Not new news by the way, this one I got used to it, I always went along better with guys as peers, so someone always hated me for that. With M we keep in touch 0-24 developing  a special bond from being superteam members just not long ago.

But with the two M-s, Marilyn and Misi it seemed obvious we would be friends, we are living by the same patterns, miracle we haven’t made closer before. 

Back to the rest, I question my concsiousness in regard of becoming close, because I’m not sure how would we actually start any conversation if running was not involved. It seems running as an environment created a special film set of a kind, getting us into a parallel living, where we run away from different things in our life to be in a totally different millieu. This should be an answer why we than make closer contacts to ones we don’t really know just sweat and run together, calling it crewlove.

There are no borders for these kind of friendships either. We write on a daily basis with someone I’ve never met before, but our love of running turned to a bit more than telling each other our excercise plans and race experiences, we freely and openly discuss feelings and family too. Just last week I had coffee with a girl coming from a NY running club on vacation, this week I guide a girl from Istanbul I’ve never met before through the apshalt of the city for a nice run. We get running contacts to crews etc to any city we go, and we get along, chatting like we knew each other for years while running. Psyche. Still, we could be totally different.

But do we run to meet new people new ways around us, or do we only talk to each other because we run? 

We run as a hobby, but is this environment artifical and therefore are these friendships developing through it fake therefore? Exception of course my M&M, but as I get into running even more, meeting even more people, will there be more exceptions?

Last week I went out almost every night on weekdays. Only one of those days was I having a drink with a friend I knew from way back, the rest I hung out with my running crew, and I felt love towards them, and easiness and calmness and no made up face, just casual talk about anything and everything. I started to know them deeper, and some I know would never be more than running buddies, but still, crewlove is ON.