Facebook events to join crews, teams, even solo or duo. Multiple invitations, one must choose, tough life.
Or go alone. Be on your own, no selfies, no posts, just pure joy of being there myself.
Not this Sunday, not this week. Preferred company, running willingness decreasing with tiredness, solo runs turning into struggle to keep up a slow pace, and even music cannot speed it up. But in need of running, and canceling saturday – in the hope of lonely one would be a better option, but in fact it made it worse – sunday meant to run in crew once again. None of the social runs seemed convenient in terms of timings, Sunday is moral/family time afterall – I’ve heard this saying about 15 yrs ago from someone in context so absurd and lifelike, yes, he was cheating on his girl – as any given day of the week btw., we don’t go to church but at least spend some time together, like a nice huge italian family now averaging 10, but sometimes even more to attend.
Nevertheless, morning run seemed more easy for others to swallow, a fact that I leave for a while creates guilt discussed earlier, but I needed some time.
Huge wind pushed me back to startpoint on my bike quite a few times almost to the point to cancel again, glad I had an appointment with the Gourmet runner half way, so I needed to ride to make it on time. While he was talking I tried to bike along, got so tired by the time we made it to the track. Weird how motivational some people can be; I forgot all my heavy legs as soon as we meet and greet, and run feels ok even if speed is competitive; togetherness pushes me through my own boundaries. I feel weight dropping off my shoulders, I start to lose all the shit around me, I even feel something like worthiness. For a couple of seconds of so at least. Finishline means sitting together casually in our sweaty clothes, drinking and talking a bit before everyone leaves for their own Sundays. Even without drinking we are easygoing, pretty basic though, nothing deep to discuss, we scratch some topics but skip the conversation part, it is all about good vibes, a bit of a rest, we deserve anyways.
I lose and enjoy myself totally, laugh and have no time to think in between the lines, still being ironic makes me the outstanding participant of the brunch, I forgot to hold back once again in terms of just be one of the members observing the team. Because as soon I sit back just to listen people get nervous and they think I have a problem, start asking and spotlight is immediately back on me. I like to stay background, but usually never succeed. Some, I’m closer to in this group and as soon as I start wandering around with my eyes they seem to get curious if I feel low. I’m not sure how close we are as they think I can only smile, problemless and free spirit. When they see me upset, even if for a brief second they get a bit worried starting to ask questions. I do get upset though, in fact I am pretty upset nowadays, lost interest in some aspects of life, such as running – to where exactly? Or what from to be more precise. But life is such a clown, as soon as I team up with someone, I smile, and it comes honest. Like to be alone, but lately alonness (not loneliness though) feels a bit tiring.
This Sunday’s afterrun however, I felt totally ok, so ok I forgot everything happening outside of the table, even where I put my phone. For more than an hour the focus was on the group and its easiness, and it came natural, no pressure. We made plans for the next one. Special one, seem so far away from a sub 5min/km running group though we decided to go even further from only being runners on the road, we will TOGETHER go and will chill and dance afterrun. So easy so natural.
Feeling full and smiley we rode back with the Gourmet to home, he kept talking and it was ok. No make up, no character plays.
While taking a shower, signing along I got a viberchat, whether this morning team creates an alternative to the original team I started to feel the crewlove not so long ago. Kvazibarki anchor getting worried if we are stealing the spirit of their social events. And there it hit me hard. Like I was flying up in and with the clouds, and than just got dropped hard on the asphalt. I was so happy for a brief second I haven’t felt for such a long time, being myself for only a second of so, and now it is time to get back to the real world. I sat down and started to write back, explaining how it should not be about competing but to enjoy the running and what brings out from us. I thought I was clear, honest and therefore should not be worried of jealous people.
But as high of happiness came, so came the lowness too. Realizing the damage my existence my presence causes, just by sitting in for a coffee to a place I go like every other day, but this time I should have not – it is a free country, but sometimes it just hurt others to be present in a place, wtf., but I understand, would probably feel the same – , or going running with people I usually go anyways. Should I lock myself into a dark room? I have no self esteem, therefore no knowledge on how people’s mind react on my casual choices of living. I do have some self knowledge though, and I know I don’t matter, so why do I get all the bad feedback in terms of making people feel the urge to tell me I did something wrong. Wrong, seriously? Never do anything to do purposefully wrong to others…
Taking another time to run with another group, although this group is part of kvazibarki team too, this is how we met and know each other the first place, this is how we started talking; shouldn’t it feel more ok to be happy for us? Like we met in the group this guy created and should feel proud that we actually stick together – even when this guy gave up on us and cared not to join, we still kept the team and the running up? Bit of proudness instead of jealousy please. Based on the pure fact that time for the other run was not ok for us. Yes, we did have fun afterwards, we do keep in touch off running too, but this is a good thing, nothing to be envied on; anyone can join really, and if they feel good, they can be part too. No competition. Why is it so complicated?
Or it is me. I’m complicated. But sometimes it is good to leave everything behind and enjoy the moment. Apologies if it hurts anyone’s being, getting too much emotions into a simple workout session?!?