Future tense

 
Where will you run my daughter asked me while we were hanging out in our terrace overlooking the city under the full moon. Where do you want to go I asked back instead of answering and she started her long speech explaining every detail. 

She liked London, where the chipmunks were and the sitting in the top of red buses she said, she also mentioned Holland but that was due to the fact that she wanted me to read Jip and Janneke in dutch, telling me this while handing over the book. She doesn’t remember Sweden though was 2 years old at the time, nor Berlin where I went without her. She liked Japan, even though she only saw Nagoya through skype. I read one tale from Jip and Janneke, than she stood up, and looked over the city, while saying: mommy there is New York, pointing at the only tall building of Budapest. ‘I like New York very much’ she said. 

I told her my plans, I told her about racing in Budapest in the summer, and the countryside bit later some trail race I’ve done last at age 17 followed by a 6hrs relay with new found mates. Than Berlin-San Francisco-New York. 

At least I have plan, at least this oart of my life, I thought while going through the months of the year. But otherwise I’m stuck. Stuck at work at a point I cannot jump over, a state of mind situation, there is plenty to develop but carrier-wise seem to hit a certain level and nowhere to grow. I try to make it fun though, but I’m no fun anymore. Summer is here, and I just don’t feel like summer.

I make it summer though, pretend at least. Bikecommuting to work post waking up so early I cannot even believe I’m capable to live on so little sleep, to go out there and run. Riding my bike feels great, I listen, not, I sing along the songs superloudly I listen to while on the way, I love the feeling of fresh breeze while on my bike, my hair played by the wind, messing it up even more. Songs make me feel like I’m being filmed like a videoclip to be done. Previous years this made me so free and calm and happy. But I’m being robotic this year.

I try not to feel bad, I try not to feel deceived, an object to be used. I go run, but I wish I went more. But even during running I feel bored in a way. Some people keep telling me I have selfesteem issues, that I worth a lot, I really count, but I’m not. They are trying to be nice, some emphaty or at least sympathy from them I can feel and in fact this makes me feel better too.

Later I get back on my bike and ride home. Same as always, but this time, I just dont feel good. 

I keep reading to my daughter, and later when she is asleep I dream going on for a long long even longer run, because there I feel ok and free.

I wonder how long I could keep up with running, how long would it feel ok, and when the hate phrase would start if ever. I very much look forward to the hate period, and sometimes i feel like I’m already in it. Life is such a mess. But running for an hour or so it is either love or hate always.

Tension.

Future is there, but what is it in future? This post has no end this time…

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