Get a life

May 30 and the next one. My last race for more than a while a ago, a month and a little with no running event to attend on the serious level. I did run a short 7k in a relay team since, but efforts and mind were not in the game that time, completing for the team was much more important than the chrono, which in fact was true for the Ultrabalaton as well, I had nothing to compare to digit-wise and perhaps enjoying and living through was much more important than tracking the watch for the desired pace check. Different mindset.

Ever since I’m lost in terms of interest of hard training not that I quit, in fact I still run around 70-80kms per week. Social runs, Pacer job eased down too, not anxious anymore and I enjoy the team’s company for some hours when needed, group accepted me and I’m doing my best to keep them motivated, although I too often pace them to the level for new challenges through periodic struggles. Out of comfortzone practices make them tired but proud after track attacks, good workout is about that. I’m in the other hand hardly ever did something the last month or in fact ever in terms of running to feel reliefed but happy to finish. Went and ran along, preferred the chatting over the serious work.

Only eleven weeks left until Berlin Marathon, and I although question my ability to run my best ever, I still strive to do so. Yesterday, after a fast hilly workout in the woods, where strava PBs occured even for the one knowing every little path and every little secrets of the hills and woods we sat down to coold down and discussion turned to summer plans, running plans. Coach S and the photographer started a heated conversation on my talent, whether it is a gift or an ability I have, like I wasn’t even sitting there, listening. This came after serious talk of eating right, or more to the point me not eating right. I have issues they believe mind-wise too, but none of these were new to me, I’m aware there was a reason I started recreational running: therapy.

But they made a point. Coach S saying I could not follow a decent running schedule not because I’m not hard willing but rather the fact that I run as I live on a certain spontainity level amd emotional desires, which makes it challenging with fixed practices, dedicated days for fartleks, etc. It is true. I also know that knowing my plan for the day when taking an afternoon session of intervals I already get anxious in the morning if not earlier and brain plays around building up negativity towards in the form of creatingg excuses against the actual run. Just like age of 17, I was always looking for rational pro thoughts to skip intervals or set programmed workout sessions. I easily run over a hundred km per week, but if someone tells me how much I should exactly run, I get nervous and paralysed. But this two men find the solution, which by the way I’ve tend to stick anyways on the sub-concsious level; my coach should be never called a coach but instead be a running partner who knows exactly what the plan is for the day and me only running along. Motivational runner increase my interest and willingness toward taking a running workout serious. When said it out loud, I realized that this is what was happening inthe past in fact: when running someone faster stronger, one who I can look up to but enjoy its company at the same time makes me like in race-situation and I get wings and work hard, never giving up in mind throughout the session. I still whine though, bitch do that no matter, but at least I perform too. 

I need motivations. And I need to feel the hard practice, the out of comfortzone situations. Ultrabalaton worked becuase of this: the emotional aspects.  I’ve been running around for June and beginning of July, but if I really want what decided in mind for Berlin on a happy day in the past I must taking it serious. But without the original plan; no practice together with the one motivated me to great times both on the watch and joy level. Relying felt great, but suffering not so much. Thoughts are still occupying the brain but must move on, not that I’m not willing to run together for a better chrono, but only for that. With a smile though and warm heart.

Starting it tomorrow with race situations as a restarting point hopefully, but this time I want to rely my own willingness rather than finding encouragement in others. I’m doing it for myself afterall, and I seriosuly want to show only to myself. I set my goals I must achieve too.

Half Marathon night run tomorrow after a long term hiatus on the Budapest race scene. Anxious but I just wanna run to see how much I’m behind of my plan time-wise. Focus on racing. Nevernotrunning on a serious level, although I’m nowhere near ready nor motivational as I was in Trieste running the full Marathon.

I’m closing up, but not disappearing socially in order to observe my learning and building up towards my next M. 11 weeks to go. Focus was elsewhere the last month, and I have to force myself to get back on track. 

While being a mom and a carreer woman, new goals are set: get a life of a runner for the remaining weeks. 


… and just realized I’m out of sport drinks and gels and co …


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