It had been a while to race and in general to enjoy any runs on the go. I still had week around the 80k-s, not that it was hardwork, it just happened. I’d promised myself every single day to start the marathontraining, but I lost the power and my fast along the way and it just didn’t feel like getting into schedules as I would loose or more precisely would permanently loose full interest.
Getting chubby, gaining weight, attending social runs, feeling low, but than again feeling high when crewruns, june went by pretty quick although when then and there sometimes the time just stopped, and would not go on, especially when time will show phrases were said and I just became restless in mind instead of legwork.
Otherwise I felt and feel still pretty good in shape, kept the legs going so decision was fast an easy to enter nightrun half marathon race. I did it last year as well, didn’t push it that time, rather enjoyed and still got 4th place, which of course post finish made me pretty angry on myself. Less than half a minute disconnected me from the podium. I thought I could face a nice revange on myself this year, although I doubted any position or shiny medal at the end, but the revange part I was planning on. As usual, the day before any race I got so superstressed, first of all realizing that my last pack of powerpowder I gave to the ultratrailboy, who by the way got sick of it and me too. This meant no routine in the preparation I do pre every single race. Anxiety arose, I had to drink a commercial product, pretending it is the same only cost like hundred times more. Second, which also forming to be a regular before races a nice little fight became ever loud in my head, due to some ignorance I later when calmed down took as no ignorance, but the only choice could be done – personal matters do have an effect on performance. #racinglearning.
Since race was a night one, day was a full one before. I had to eat, I had to go and entertain my daughter all day long and again I had to eat and got high on caffeine kicking my body. Wasn’t tired though, even with three sleepless nights on the row, which in fact made it easier for a nightrace I tried to ease myself.
Leaving my extremely moaning daughter at home did not help to set my mind to racemode, and it started to tend to take the run as just another run. Meeting up Mini, her constant nailing me with possible and/or target finish time, final position etc. I just became more and more nervous. I closed up into my thoughts, afterall revange is a revange I thought, I must play against me for one aspect, but I also wanted to run myself out in order to leave some of the stones I’ve volunteraily grabbed and carried behind. I wasn’t mad of life anymore, in fact I was surprisingly calm, with the meaningful thought of rational solutions might not, but real decisions made in the head really works for me. Too bad, I thought for a brief second – but than again, yesterday’s full of tantrums turned today’s ease to a special in good ways feel. Closing myself up it remains my own little secrety thing with no bad feelings. Forgetmenot flower shaped up in vision and I smiled, loving is a good thing. But this made the race a bit useless in terms of running through the memory lane to the finish line for the finishing line.
Mini was by my side and a friend of her as well. We hit the road together after I ran uphill on crippled cobblestone in the dark night with hardly a streetlamp to help. They joined after 3 km. and it was fine and ok. For a while. Sooner than later I realized this race I rather wanted to go alone, enjoy the silence, the loneliness, the only noise coming from my own feet hitting the ground and my loud breathing from tiredness. After much hesitation I asked them to speed up and leave me behind. Mini probably would have made 2nd or 3rd place anyways, and I just wanted to live through the race once again.
How social I choose to be on workouts so alone I like to be on races I guess. Completely loosing myself in my thoughts, that is when I can run, perhaps not in tempo, but with joy, and that is all that matters. Crossing the finishline with dissapointed face realizing my time worse than the split of my last marathon I felt angry but releaved too. At least I’ve done it. Acquiantces showed up, and I inmediately knew: my own reaction right after any race is so essential for my own self, I need feedback to my brain, and this needs to be done alone. #selflearning
And this is why I probably like abroad races more, because I have my own final moments as well. However, it was just too good to have Mini and all others there to support and trying to cheer me up, although I was not upset, this is me on any given race right after finish- never satisified, felt great to have them to be by my side, to feel the crewlove and co. Thankful and even more thankful.
This saturday I cried once again as brief as I could without anyone talking to me. I cried of releif and I cried of anger and emotions. But soon I had to pick up myself and be the social me again. Later even more. Partying with Tom Hanks crew I felt tired but happy I did it. Both the run and the party in one Saturday night.
And again I got 4th. This time the girl was 20 meters front of me. Another revange against myself to develop for the future.