as a woman
There are times when to sit down even if not sitting down literally, instead setting up the table for a breakfast, finding some color pencils for the little ones. No matter how busy still getting out of the routines makes the mind shift, even when completly occupied with the usual, the so called routines, some realization might occur. One weekend perhaps, home away from home that feels good, that seems relaxing makes everything clear and transparent.
Getting into a spiral caused only by myself because of circumstances, social requirements lead to the way. I kept going without any reason and challenge any goal; real ones. Blurring my own self to focused, filtered images, the ones I trully am, however without my vitality, liveliness, the true self perhaps. Chasing some ideal weightwise, comparing myself to others, their athletic legs, their outlook, their style and all through this time I forgot to be myself. I tried to live up to social norms, the ones I was told and heard was normal or at least acceptable. I still failed to do so. Somewhere deep down I stayed myself no matter how hard I tried to hide and blur.
I’ve been chasing running times, kept myself full time busy, always rushing from one place to another to meet my own developed schedule, to be there on time for all my overcrowded schedule appointments, work, family, pleasure-wise. Restlessness turned to be tiredness, a constant compagnion.
Running has been a rush as well. Squeezing in time for a practice, guilt increased by the growing counts of rolled eyes, because afterall it is not a norm to run that much. Blurring the main drive to run even, I ran more and more or at least set impossible goals to reach in finishing times.
I decided, because a weekend so vaulable makes the mind clear to run one more for the chrono, one to really push some limits, get myself out of comfortzone, because I once unthinkingly said it out loud, and I just cannot swallow it back. But not only for that. I also want to show myself to value myself to getback on the right track to appreciate myself.
One more major for the pain and gain, than I wish to enjoy running.
Because as a woman we immediately get into the spiral to live by the norms, not that we don’t wish to, but if we so keenly wish for why do we whine about it. Why am I considered a woman instead of a human being?
I can run as a woman, and this makes me stand out among women, I’m fast in women’s league. So I like to be a woman in this perspective. Am I proud to be a woman? No, I wish to be proud for what I am, for the individual I am. Inside and out.
Even when I have a bad day and don’t have a perfect smile, I don’t feel like cleaning the house up, leaving the toys in the living room how my daughter had left it, when eating that chocolate after 8pm.
Harmony, comes from the inside, never from the perfect thighs or flat stomach, no matter how good it feels to have perfect legs perhaps, it leads only to momental happiness. Which counts by the way for the state of mind on the short run, but i rather start focusing on the long one. There will be always someone leaner, prettier, more fun, or better as a wife or a mom to compare myself to, but what is the positive in that other than constantly checking measuring feeling low? It is all about self acceptance in order to sit down and relax, ENJOY.
Never wished to be flawless, only perfect on my own norm level, no ideal whatsoever just my own ideal. I run because I enjoy, more precisely, I used to run to enjoy myself, but I lost focus and blurred myself in reality, which lead to run for something I cannot really put it into words.
This is the time to get back to enjoy my own self and my own ideals, stop comparing myself to others in reality, I’m an individual after all with strings and feelings. Strings can be pulled by others, but I rather be pulled by the ones I would pull for myself anyways.
Weekend worth of thoughts in the positive side, affecting the willingness to turn to the things really worth in life, although I tend to get lost in the details.
Weekend worth to set the goal to get back into my focused self I like; to start liking and appreciating myself for who I am and not who I would like to be.
I’m not a mom or a producer, a cultural snob or someone’s lookalike, a runner or a runner wannabe, a girlfriend or a wife soontobe, and ideal or a pacer, a friend or an enemy, an annoying girl or the chick envied by girls and want for a quick round by guys only, but all of the above mixed into me, SELF.