Working it out 

I run. Where to and what from?

I miss.

I need to progress.

Why? What for and where to and from what?

Progress run of the day turning to a big big cry. Veteran did good, in fact he did great, he at the age of 38 found something to change his life. He is running. Not for his life, nor for his benefit, but for pleasure and self acceptance. Worth. Run makes one feeling worth.

I cried instead. Not that I’ve failed to run the appointed practice for the day, I cried because it was time to let it out. Working it out. The Veteran was well front of me, us precisely, I had a voice who pushed me, in this case a real person, someone who seem to understand me, who understands us. But doesn’t understand us. We suffer.

We chose to suffer which all of the above is not a suffering state, still, something different, something out of the comfortzone, rules of lives, lifestyle, choice. Out of comfortzone perhaps. For a minute, for a week, for how long?

I had to stop. Progress run is something for the braingame mainly. Little voice inside battles with the legs, the wills to do it, and the partner of the moment who pushes to go through too. Partner did a great job, I still had to stop because the tears just made it unbearable to push more, in fact to push any. The Veteran on the other hand flew away on the asphalt, I took a moment to realize that before kept on crying.

I’m not sure I’m strong enough. I’m tired, I’m all of a sudden losing my never overflown selfesteem even more. 

But than I calmed down and continue a bit, I settle my breathing, all of a sudden I realize I’m around good company, the partner is there because he likes me as a person, and not as a woman, not as a specified bodypart, he understands my struggles, my way of thinking, my fragility covered with strong appearance. Veteran as well. And Vampiri, the girl who joins us to make it a gang of four. Four human with issues to deal with theough running.

None of these peeps I’ve known for more than a year. A year that brought so many memorables and wishes for the future. Grateful for them and their input for the memories. 

I cried in the middle of my workout today. And it felt good. I kept pushing after and it felt good too. Surrounded with great people. That feels awesome. Thinking feels good too. Pushing hard would feel better, but survive a progress run session would probably feel the best.

Though, feelings are not facts.

I need to keep pushing, I need to keep being hard on myself. I have a dream. Dreams perhaps, but one can be achieved on the short term, other needs progress.

Berlin, here I come!


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