Crew

  

Crew on the other hand is fun.

They make you alive and feel a human. They show up at your hotel lobby door 7 am just to go for a run together. They make you feel loved. They make you feel feeling the motivation once again. They bring smile on your ugly face due to overnight crying.

They, the crew. As being important, as being friends as being really important. Accidentally all dressed up in nike. Side effect I guess. I never ever want to loose them, never ever want to feel less important to each other.

Because we are. We are important, even if it sounds too semtimental.

Relationships to live for.

Friendships to live up to.

Special.

And extremely heartwarming.

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Fresh air

  

 

Daytime unbearable…

Nightime sleepless…

Reality, its still over 30 degrees daytime, 29 at night. Solution? No real ones.

Thoughts are everywhere.

Waking up to notifications suprising, why but really why does she care? Checking on my feed. Keeping it low, still one can find. This goes for you honey you who should be happy and proud and calm finally. Enjoy your status. You are one lucky lady. I don’t mean to hurt you nor make you feel bad. I think you must be fun, and a good person, and I’m sorry. But still, please stop checking.

I’m not the one who you think I am. I do have feelings too, and I’m not a bad person. Nor a good one though. But definitely not the image you built up about me. Average on all levels, even less on some. I have my issues to deal with, I have my bad hair days too, in fact I actually have some occasional good hair moments. I also fight with myself in a daily basis to look ok, to be skinny and desirable by the man. I admire you, but you should never look up to me, nor take me as a sonofabitch, but I know it’s tough not to.  You are beautiful. And you have a beautiful life, you should start believing. 

I had to go for an evening run, after I was mistakenly seen running in the morning. It wasn’t me.  Must have felt bad for the girl getting cheers but instead of her, my name to be shouted. 

I had to go for an evening run. 

I’m fed up. Fed up with running, my goals to achieve, I could not even run a near 5min/km pace. Slow, exhausted and had enough. Misleaded I feel, all I need is honesty. All I need is a good talk. I don’t dream, I don’t even want to dream.

I know it is pretty enviable seeing our crewlove moments, so real. In fact it is real. I don’t argue on that, I would feel left out as well if I wasn’t part of it. But I’m giving up on that. Envy is almost as bad as dishonesty. I don’t want to be the one ruining the fun. Monday blues? Might be. But I rather stay low key for the free mind of others and mine. Afterall, I always liked running alone with my thoughts. The road is open, I’m noone to block it. 

🎧 hiperkarma: üres

Why

 
Why do you run // Why do you write

Because I simply feel like it.

And I must never ever forget that fact. 

Why do I train (for)?

Why do I run? Realizing once again, I’m not the one sticking to plans, meeting expectations, running what is required, prepare for a race by the way usually is done.

I’m not a commited player in terms of building strenght, endurance, keeping up with speed, improve my fast by practicing being fast. I’m rather the type focusing on the race on the raceday itself. I can’t it seems and probably unable to maintain any kind of written prescription of the current day’s must do-s. To do lists are ok, but to converge to my own language, my own pace and own terms.

I happily go to the track if I feel like it, I happily run my own pace, my ability of the day. Won’t give 100%, I’m a lost body of the competition field, I only compete on races, and against myself. Though lately myself became my own watch. New ways tracking system.

Why do I write? To have it come out, make it a surface to become legitimate, or not, whatever. Realizing its meaning by rereading it. Status of the current and the upcomings to predict, understand the past, pointing out. To record the answers for why do I run. 

Although, all biased in a way. Hoping some might read, react, realize I sometimes write what I want to write but go off the path because something just comes up in the mind. Offroad.

I’m getting closer and closer to understand my own way to deal with prepping for a race. I probably should take my own ways, and don’t give a thing about moving level up from an average speed runner to a bit faster one. I won’t everbe fast enough anyways, even the fastest will be not the fastest in no time. Also, I enjoy the averageness. In this case. Only.

Training. Realizing the word, and its meaning to my life. To give some effort in order to achieve something, but in this special case I wonder if I actually am giving up on the effort I wished to put in, or can it be understood as a modified version of the road towards.

Four weeks until Berlin Marathon. This weekend I should cover my last and longest running in my training program, and I’m not sure I can run that much anymore. I put too much emphasis on the speeding up efforts, I became tired to the max. I haven’t done any long runs, LSD-s for a long time, though I enjoy those the most, if speed is bearable.

New York is another 8 weeks or so away, will I get my willingness to prepare fully for that? Checking my weekly plan and I feel like I can and should do it differently. Virtual advice, plan and an actual desire to run a good one, although it feels like changing my mind. Being lazy or too comfortable?

Why do I train? 

for real. 

statistics

 
Harcdcore, hardware, hardplay.

Reality hit hard.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Since when recreational running became such a serious event of life? Seeing Veteran’s improvement, and lifestyle changing, possibly even the way he talks. A whole team had been created out of nowhere to chase dreams based on digits. Number and numbers everywhere. We not only say hello anymore but also immediately ask how the last training went by what are the current paces.

Improved? Sick day? Whatever the answer is we compare. Don’t like the fact, but I guess this is what social run is about and keeps us all motivated in the terrain. If the other went out for an early morning than I should definitely pick myself up to get at least an afternoon one. Coincidental to today, though I wrote the previous sentence 2 days ago. And I’m not comparing. Not the type, and way too tired.

Comparing? Not really. But considerably it is the fact. Enjoying each others company but we are also in competition. With at least the ones having the same start point. I take my start of running is my actual restart of running. Different mind setting, different life, same me, perhaps a slight little bit wiser. Or not. Careful. Neither. 

When I used to be a pro, I cared not much of the emotinal aspect ornat keast I can not recall, except for the fact I hated track works enormously, especially on the 600m circle in the olympic park. Still get nervous even thinking about it, even having the track shortened to the official 400m there too. Although, the reason seems unreasonable: place needed for some bus parking area. None-the-less, it is a place I rather avoid for the wellbeing. I also remember in the middle of things, being a teenager with some crush I wanted to die for and at the same time getting in oublic transportation to get me up to the Buda hills because coach made me do it. It seems I did nit care much as today. Not like today, though I happily drive my car to the hills any time of day for a run. Having a comfortable life hives no justice to immediate happiness. 

Statistics show realistically I’m not capable to run what I dreamed to run in Berlin. New York is so hard of a terrain, it is out of the question could be ran a good one. I promised myself anyways to push Berlin and enjoy New York. The race obviously.

I’m too tired to be powerful and meet my own expectations to reach my plan. It is also tiring to realize the fact of statistics. Double the tiredness. Make it triple to be aware of own tiredness.

I run with people really are improving yet I cannot keep up. I’m happy for them while I fade away. I’m sick of myself so much for being such a whiner I actually physically got sick. 

But life is so much more complicated than chasing a mofo PB all the time. One can never always stay on top although trying its best. I’m already finding excuses…whiner.

My sister is seriously sick, my daughter although the happiest in the world, once a week faces such pain on an everyday business. We all have our off running struggles and miseries. Funs too. And focus should be on the latter. 

Like last minute summer, totally unordinary. Like enjoying the one kilo lost due to sickness. Like having friends. Family. And run. 

Run should be a pleasure instead of statistical values always to be checked and accorded. 

Recorded data. Nothing like life memory lane. Pure facts only, never showing the emotional effects or the current wellbeing. No smells, no visuals. Charts, numbers, digits, beats, hills in numbers. Hate statistics.

But on the contrary scrathing more than the surface statistics however show that motivation is missing though will is present. Through raw data. Meta info containing psychological values not on purpose. Statistics show values like friendship caused motivational runner’s high. 

And today, I decide to keep on running no matter what comes next. I’m ready for tomorrow, I will strive for my best, no matter what the watch will show, if I ever get one back which was sent back to Nike, I must know I did my best at the current statistical graph, called mood of the day of the marathon.

I keep running.

I’m ready.

Motivation

  

In running lost motivation is something like real life lost trust. 

The road to the actual deal is nothing to compare to the road to success. Motivational loss the road itself.

The road should have been fun in the name and flagship of struggle. Losing might give the power of wtf I’m my own boss, but only for moments.

Always dreamed of the achievment, the common effort put in, together perhaps. Losing the vibe does not stop, but neither speeds up the progress of makeitcount or bettertogether or whatever hasthtag put on the posterpersonality under a creative social media name. Instead it creates another kinda vibe, a sorrow loneliness of a longdistance runner kinda one, with some fuq yeah I can deal with it way.

Why not forget all the feelings running surrounded by and go the old fashion way. Stopwatch, sweat like hell, give the best even on an everyday practice to help and build each other up. To help ourselves. It is no competition, no anger management, no therapy session, zero feelings, just a run. 

I’m only dreaming. Perhaps reality is something else. Biased already by the past. Perhaps feelings opening up through running cannot let rationality into the game. The game where one is considered by its appearence on the digital world. Seriously? I’m not even mad anymore only seriously hurt and dissapointed. Opening up to some close and personal still misunderstanded questions my own and those personality. 

Hide but don’t seek I rather go with that than. 

Top of the rocks I wanted to celebrate after. Remains a dream. 

Rundom & more freedom

 
What makes run even more freedom feel than the clean mind after only?

Running on the hills, elevation, the up and downs, the athmosphere, the nature, the calmness. I thought running already gives enough, enough of feeling better afterwards, like a big breath in and out, taking off all the fuqing weight if only for second of the shoulders, to open up to the world, to smell freshness, but running in trail, that is ever more of mofo something. 

Something overly cathartic and super fine calm. Multilativus in all terms.

I found trail, and thought I found ultimate freedom.

But than I went even further. Heatwave made me run in runkini. Sportbra and racer briefs, gear I feared to wear, body is not ready to be shown off like that. I did anyways, one must face own fearness. On the countryside, where noone sees, in fact everyone did, as I was running along the train track. Just do it kinda way. 

Runkini and the lake nearby gave the opportunity to cool a run down by dropping my watch and shoes and run into the water. So easy, so simply. So awesomly mindblowing. If ever felt anything free, this is the one moment I completely was overtaken by.

Run and cold dip after.

Perfect moments of realization.

Trail.

Cold water after a run.

Speedwork is the new demon

 Me looking insane the other day, trying to get my pulse back to normal.

So, here is the thing, I have this issue going on with speed work.

I feel so vulnerable even thinking of track, fragile anyways, but even more torn down when doing intervals, even more with fartleks and progress runs.

I don’t usually like to share my vulnerability with others, only a very few and the very close. I keep my distance when in struggle, but in running it is different. Struggles are part of the game, part of the plan, and the road to achieve challenges planned.

There had been and are moments when I felt the power and willingness dissapearing from the body creating space to the infamous mind monologue telling to stop at each and every step. And must admit, I did. Did stop. I immediately got even madder myself, while already communicating to the outside world and therefore easing myself to let my dreams go in the challenge I created myself for my self to finally show myself and the little mind talkative little voice that I can do it. I cannot do it.

I cannot do it on power I cannot do it on rational decision. 

I can do it if I find joy in it. Emotional level.

The road was meant to be different to the plan, the plan was the road itself towards the end of the road. But being left alone on the long way to the marathontraining doubt are arose on the why for? The Veteran had his mind set to do this alone, perhaps a lot of others had decided to train alone to run alone to show. And they have the power of the world in their hands. My intentions on partaking and struggle together, to actually open up and show my vulnerable self is a way different approach than the others. I’m not racing in terms of against someone or something, it is rather about experimenting my own body my own development through doing it together.

I’ve lost my point of focus a long time ago. I’ve been still doing according the plan whatever that leads to. No rushing on raceday improvement though, I need to find focus. Groupwork would meant a lot of motivation to keep on going. I just keep on going now. I don’t and cannot take it as a competition, never intended anyways, originally I based on my ability to keep up with this plan by building each other up in this one too. Feeling the unstoppable self by helping the other to achieve the same. No time-focus, no chasing PB on purpose, which would have been an award in the end if worked well. Or not, but it doesn’t matter, wouldn’t matter if the road towards were succesfull and filling as planned.

Not trying to find excuses already, I’m more powerful than that. My willingness to run a good one has not changed, I have the strength to look at my own skills as of now, being a start on the journey which possibly ends in a marathon race soon. But I also know that motivational losses take major part on the psyche at least for me. 

There are a very few I can let to know my vulnerability even while running. I’m not shy on telling and discussing struggles on and off running, but real opening up needs a special trust in and from the other.

Intervalls, fartleks and progress runs take so much of the psyche generally. Athletes scream and heave on track, they sweat they swear. I also cry sometimes. Too much emotions coming out with the sweat. There are some I can run speed works with and feel comfortable as possible.

And I’m so glad I’m around these ones on hard days, even though they might not be able to cope with my sudden release of emotional uprise. Need to learn to accept my own vulnerability to help them help me. Crewlove kind of moment, but would be weird starting to hug everyone so sweaty. 

We hold back on emotions on the every day, although I tend to not a lot of times, I don’t give a fuq kinda way, I rather release than hold back. Still having tension in my neck and shoulders.

Running buddies are different relations. We see each other suffer we unconciously open ourselves up to the other simply by pushing harder further higher. But when it comes to post training we all close up to our little self. We easily get naked while changing to run gear and while running feeling-wise, we run hard enough not to be able to still overrule our true selves on social norms, we get out of our own made character for a brief encounter. We get back to childhood honesty.

With a very few we can do it. And this way we get attached to each other off running as well. Seeing the other in his or her vulnerable self we become loveable. We become closest friends simply by running next to each other. With a very few. 

But off running even fewer of these very few remain opened up, and for them I can open up too. Motivational as it can be. 

The very few knows my struggles on and off running helping me facing every issues ever coming up. I’m ok to open up to them feeling as vulnerable as I really am.

Speedwork is my demon when vulnerability comes out from the background, and in this point of view I’m happy to experiment such pressure on my self. Meeting and letting people close is something seriously important, even more so than the subject why it all happens. Running.