IT’s just a run

No, I’m not ok. I’m not ok cause the how are you question is no ordinary one anymore, at least not in a two-talk. Third party involved, biased, never detailed nor trully objective. 

I’m running my circles I dumbed myself to the level of focusing to stride only. One foot after the other. Intervals, LSD, fartleks, trails, asphalts, rundirty, runhot/runsexy, justrun.

I keep the plan or I don’t keep the plan, I meet buddies whom I ask how they are, never anything else, only themselves. Try not to listen, nor inspect, purely run along, sometimes enjoy less and more. Hard sessions are killers, brain takes over and shouts to stop, I gotta shut it down. Never the CO max or the lactoc threshold puts me on the edge, my mind is my limitation.

I got used to the long slow ones. I’m unstoppable at pace between 5:10-5:30. Can run for hours if company keeps the interest in me. I got used to practice long slow ones, multiple times a day. Speedwork of todays however totally grab me out of comfortzone. I’m slow and I don’t enjoy only the accomplishment part. Leftovers or remainings of a previous pro life.

But todays are about speeding up. Todays are about finding my fast, and I rather enjoy every step of a run than push it to the max. I’m not even sure where my max is. Like the other day when I started crying, which felt a releif because I could give up the run, but than again, I could easily go on as well if I really wanted to.

Preparation for the Ultrabalaton was fine, becuase it met my comfort fully, taking time off for running this was the main plan an drive and it worked well, could switch the mind easily for it.

A close friend, another M of my life, the high school mate called after the ultra, he congratulated, but he told me he was more proud of my 3:15 Trieste Marathon time. At the time I didn’t understand, I was overwhelmed with the fact that I ran over 110km in a day. But today I understand. And indeed he was correct. Ultrabalaton was about the celebration of work, no ordinary but not hard work, but running a fast marathon takes full focus and a set up mind along with the willingness to fight it to the max while running over three hours.

I don’t know how will I keep up with speed work and dedicated mindsetting. It’s a fuqing science on the understanding of my own abilities. I’m no pro anymore and I don’t live on my results, though I must train like one to reach my dream. Dreams come and go, this year on a more rapid speed though, but this one seems something I really strive for in order to calm down on dreams lost. To get myself back in track. I feel ugly and fat, I look at myself in the mirror and I’m not happy. Not with my hair nor with my dressing abilities, I feel uncreative in my attires. I have this feeling to always look the best, and it just doesn’t seem to work lately. I want to look the best, as I always feel someone might watch. Running into others too. But I also got bored if myself, and the mirror as well giving the impression that I once again lost my vibe. Running wise life slowed down too, in terms of meeting up with my runpartners off running; I don’t really look for their company as I feel I rather be alone. One of them kept messaging me today  to run together, the one I always cancelled the last three weeks with diverse excuses, and I was going to cancel to meet once again. I answeres some BS on why cannot I go, but he was tricky and he replied me that he is down at the lobby so I should probably start dressing up. We went for a run. Got totally lost the woods and on the field in 38 celsius. Was fun afterall. Should not skip and turn down the ones believe in me, or at least enjoy my company even in worse times. I’m grateful for him to get me out of the comfortzone, though I almost died on dehydration. Calling the one ans only who I still could open up in the running social scene, M to whine on my miserable life (being a spoiled fuq to even write this word, I know I’m lucky as hell mostly thoug) just to find out he keeps saying I was ok, what else he could have said… He lives on different level of sensitivity, though he is one sensitive too, but wise as well in the other hand, which I’m not.

I keep the focus on the races in conversations, if anyone asks. I rather ask the questiones to avoid any opening ups as my turn on answering.

Berlin I will be busy socializing and therefore the pressure to run a good one and be able to be fully prepped for it already makes me anxious, but New York in the other hand will be a lonely one with my thoughts only.

Life is on. Summer is on full sun, being a mom is taking time off of thinking only sprints and kilometres and songs where I burry feelings. Daughter is busy and happy, social scene focused, I enjoy watching her being herself, being still honest and straightforward. Work did not quiet down for the vacation mode nor slowed down to comparise my speeding up goals, being busy on all fronts as usual, but survivable. I’m not happy about the jobs though, seem to lost interest along the way with less creative and overwhelming films to shoot, but probably it’s part of life’s plan, everything happens for a reason. Who said that really?!

Thinking of changes in relationships between people’s of two or individuals as well. Everything happens for a reason, really? Time will have an answer or at least an explanation? Only the ones desperate think this. We come and go, meet and greet and not even say goodbye, don’t even know nor care about it for the rest of our lives. I want to care and probably I will once want to know. Not the ultimate answer on the why, but more on the happenings and the others, and not by involving a third party into the story casually pretending it is all right. 

So, the answer is no, I’m not fine. I need to speed up to a level from a level of a snail, the other answer is I don’t really have a running plan as a marathontraining, although I have a coach sending me and 5 other guys(!!!) weekly schedules, I’m not fully converted to it and cannot take it as my leading bible for the remaining weeks. I’m fine on the other hand to let some thoughts go, I calmed down to the level of acceptance on facts of life and the thought on getting older in terms of being responsible for my own acts. I just feel ugly and grey and fat.

I hope I updated on my current life as much as I could, mainly nothing has changed, although lot of things are different now. Minor changes though. No more two a day runs, no more ‘social feeling good but don’t break a sweat practices’, though closer running friends tend to make me cry nowadays; moodswings remained the same. My voice and my phonenumber remained the same, I still like coffee and belgian bonbons, and I probably still could be funny.


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