Speedwork is the new demon

 Me looking insane the other day, trying to get my pulse back to normal.

So, here is the thing, I have this issue going on with speed work.

I feel so vulnerable even thinking of track, fragile anyways, but even more torn down when doing intervals, even more with fartleks and progress runs.

I don’t usually like to share my vulnerability with others, only a very few and the very close. I keep my distance when in struggle, but in running it is different. Struggles are part of the game, part of the plan, and the road to achieve challenges planned.

There had been and are moments when I felt the power and willingness dissapearing from the body creating space to the infamous mind monologue telling to stop at each and every step. And must admit, I did. Did stop. I immediately got even madder myself, while already communicating to the outside world and therefore easing myself to let my dreams go in the challenge I created myself for my self to finally show myself and the little mind talkative little voice that I can do it. I cannot do it.

I cannot do it on power I cannot do it on rational decision. 

I can do it if I find joy in it. Emotional level.

The road was meant to be different to the plan, the plan was the road itself towards the end of the road. But being left alone on the long way to the marathontraining doubt are arose on the why for? The Veteran had his mind set to do this alone, perhaps a lot of others had decided to train alone to run alone to show. And they have the power of the world in their hands. My intentions on partaking and struggle together, to actually open up and show my vulnerable self is a way different approach than the others. I’m not racing in terms of against someone or something, it is rather about experimenting my own body my own development through doing it together.

I’ve lost my point of focus a long time ago. I’ve been still doing according the plan whatever that leads to. No rushing on raceday improvement though, I need to find focus. Groupwork would meant a lot of motivation to keep on going. I just keep on going now. I don’t and cannot take it as a competition, never intended anyways, originally I based on my ability to keep up with this plan by building each other up in this one too. Feeling the unstoppable self by helping the other to achieve the same. No time-focus, no chasing PB on purpose, which would have been an award in the end if worked well. Or not, but it doesn’t matter, wouldn’t matter if the road towards were succesfull and filling as planned.

Not trying to find excuses already, I’m more powerful than that. My willingness to run a good one has not changed, I have the strength to look at my own skills as of now, being a start on the journey which possibly ends in a marathon race soon. But I also know that motivational losses take major part on the psyche at least for me. 

There are a very few I can let to know my vulnerability even while running. I’m not shy on telling and discussing struggles on and off running, but real opening up needs a special trust in and from the other.

Intervalls, fartleks and progress runs take so much of the psyche generally. Athletes scream and heave on track, they sweat they swear. I also cry sometimes. Too much emotions coming out with the sweat. There are some I can run speed works with and feel comfortable as possible.

And I’m so glad I’m around these ones on hard days, even though they might not be able to cope with my sudden release of emotional uprise. Need to learn to accept my own vulnerability to help them help me. Crewlove kind of moment, but would be weird starting to hug everyone so sweaty. 

We hold back on emotions on the every day, although I tend to not a lot of times, I don’t give a fuq kinda way, I rather release than hold back. Still having tension in my neck and shoulders.

Running buddies are different relations. We see each other suffer we unconciously open ourselves up to the other simply by pushing harder further higher. But when it comes to post training we all close up to our little self. We easily get naked while changing to run gear and while running feeling-wise, we run hard enough not to be able to still overrule our true selves on social norms, we get out of our own made character for a brief encounter. We get back to childhood honesty.

With a very few we can do it. And this way we get attached to each other off running as well. Seeing the other in his or her vulnerable self we become loveable. We become closest friends simply by running next to each other. With a very few. 

But off running even fewer of these very few remain opened up, and for them I can open up too. Motivational as it can be. 

The very few knows my struggles on and off running helping me facing every issues ever coming up. I’m ok to open up to them feeling as vulnerable as I really am.

Speedwork is my demon when vulnerability comes out from the background, and in this point of view I’m happy to experiment such pressure on my self. Meeting and letting people close is something seriously important, even more so than the subject why it all happens. Running.

 

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