Race and co.

  

Startline. Thoughts. You can do it. Mantras. You can do it. 

Happy? Ready? Anxious? Cold or hot? Ready? READY? 

Ready or not, here I come you can’t hide. Blurred in thoughts. For the wellbeing. Me time. Everyone’s me time. Crowd built up by individuals. All for one goal, all for a different goal. Fear or calm. Silent or loud. Clapping and taking apart or busy with self, final thoughts pre race, what comes is the unknown no matter on preparedness. Final countdown. Jump out and go for it or take the time and go for it? Everyone’s doing their own way. Still, a mass of crowd. Built up by one and ones. Prepped or race-virgin.

I feel like race-virgin. Being a multiple marathoner I’m back to the basics. Building myself back to race ready step-by-step. 

The guy massaged me laughed with his laid back attitude when I tell him I wasn’t sure based on fact and my last half marathon chrono that I would be capable running a full marathon after a long race hiatus. So he laughed.. But also told me I’m in pretty ok shape considering the lack of streching culture built into my daily life. Streching is important. Essential. Vital. Whatever. I know.

I’m developing a cabinet full of run related garments in the kitchen as well – gardrobe is already overruled by nike gear over LBD-es and designer labels, although I have quite a few of those too. Creams, gels, capsules, electrolites, even pregnancy vitamins- they say all essential things like iron it has. I call it a win-win situation while laughing at my own misery. I planned to get pregnant after running a PB marathon anyways. This way at least the post marathon part I’m prepared for. I’ve imagined getting preggo and telling it over and over again. If. 

Friendships are based on honesty. Sidenote in capslock I wish.

Am I ready? Am I? Are you? 

Honesty is all I need.

I’m running with one of the most understanding one tomorrow. The one I thought I could not ever get along with. Now he is the one I can fully open up and cry if I want when I cannot seem to push further. The one who also opens up to me. The one who hasn’t run for months but calls me to run together once again, and for not one second I think he only wants me as a runpartner because I’m the slowest among his friends so he wouldn’t feel bad restarting next to me.  Tapering in 4:40 pace probably. That is his restart pace. Different levels. 

I will soon be in Berlin. One year apart, although I once thought I will settle in the city and build the future in our flat on Alte-Sch√∂nhauser strasse, just above Pan-Asia, my favorite restaurant for its vibe in the city. For some reason I’ve tended to have appartments in houses with restaurants on ground levels. I will be back in Berlin, one year apart with some of the people I’d went last year, we must visit MosieurWang for food and the best bike store for design fuel and the holocaust monument for the promise I’ve made to myself to be there every six months becasue there I feel my grandma is still with me- I miss her, she was the best of the best. What a difference a year makes. A year ago, we made basic talks drunk in the kitchen full of roaches at the cheap thai restaurant, where everyone thought I would freak out because they thought I was just a spoiled bitch in my Alexander Wang tomboy look. I’d even make them come to Acne store with me, where silent screams were overheard on the pricetags.  This year we go back to celebrate the start of a beautiful friendship, and almost brotherhood relationships. We go with M, the coach and the Veteran. They all grew into my heart so deeply that only through running can happen. We will also run a marathon as individuals with big hopes in mind. Run with a full heart. One of the best advice ever received in terms of running. All I need is honesty.

Just let me be to be me. 

Just be me.

Just be you. 

I know there are unwritten rules and unspoken thoughts. But fuck it I say it out loud. I wanna run a good one and I wanna feel it all the way. And after a good laugh, why don’t we just accept the terms and conditions and finally be able to open up and be honest?! I’m off otherwise. Already.

Run opens up the soul.

And I’m so ready to rock in Berlin. 

Sidenote without italics: outernational galore awaits and Berlin will be something memorable. PB would be just an added extra. But only run matter, and to keep running my own best friend. 

Advertisements

Moments vs seconds

  

  
Reading my facebook timeline… Sometimes, I’m not much of a fb person nor have the time to go through the feed.

But I do sometimes anyways, getting to know my so called friends in this way too, how they are commenting on the refugee crisis, block them or acknowledge them being still human. And of course the usual, the pink bubbled Coelho phrases among the pictures of flowers, hearts and the usual sweet puppies and babies I will never be able to take part in, don’t live on quotes of how to be happy. Instead try to be happy of life. Or not. Live it – being me.

Someone posted today that life is all about moments. Nine days to Berlin I also think about moments too. In a different way however I stopped for a moment, ahha.

Berlin. Berlin. Berlin.

City of my first big M, the one where I had not bothered on times and seconds, focused on the moment, kept me busy for more than 3 and a half hours chronologically but also kept me occupied observing and letting the then and there into the heart. Was I ready to take the mission had two side, anxious to call myself a marathoner afterwards versus had I trained enough to call myself a marathoner afterwards. Moments vs seconds did not matter, although I still wanted to run a good one. 

And I ran a good one, both for the moment to be remembered in life and seconds to be proud. Planned on this marathon only, just to realize I can’t stop feeling the moments later in my life. Marathons came and went, seconds became important, moments equally. Race became part of the game; decreasing seconds vs having a great and memorablr moment in life, the two goes hand in hand. Or not?

Must focus on this. Seconds became obsessional thoughts in the mind, although I strive for the moments to remember instead. Perfect conditions meant to equalize the moment vs seconds battle, but I wonder how serious speeding leads to a punctual moment on the memory lane later. 

I keep moments in my heart and my brain, ones keep me going, make me smile, or cry. Ones I’m built up on and develop me to who I am at the moment. Seconds however gives only a momentary happy moment, although leads to unforgettable moment for the future. I wonder. 

NY was better than Berlin second-wise, though it was a moment I could not deal with for long. Ran good, and looking back I also enjoyed no matter how the focus was biased with the wind and the cold weather and the lost focus itself. Nagoya marathon was won by the moment rather than the seconds, though both were in picture. However moment totally overruled all. Trieste marathon is on the ‘last-minute marathon’ list of mine as well, where seconds vs moments came out as a result being even, though moment was biased by the seconds had been cut short enormously. Still, made it as a moment.

I wonder how Berlin will finish in this race, and how seconds influence  the moment: whether my finish on the race will be a focus on the seconds or the moment instead. 

Tapering mode definitely brings out my phylosophical side. 

These moments are part of lifemoments adding some material to the memory lane but also has an effect on today just as moments of other parts of life equally if not as important, however seconds are something different being only a subject to change in order to achieve great moments to remember in life.

Well said. Or not. 

Findyourself

  

Lately the only power I could find was labels of extreme colored drinks I really hate to drink anyways. 

Still coughing every 5 minutes, I suppose being sick does not help running towards my goal but I have no time to take any days off. Berlin knocking in my door, and I already took way too much time off.

Main drive to run anyways has been to get into crews and push it through together. Always failed, or at least did not feel good. Too much for the character, one gotta get herself together for the people gathering to be a team to train. Part of having anxiety attacks I suppose; everyone has a thought how others think they do or should do, and therefore trying to live up to these standards. Or at least try to avoid so much that all power focusing on this rather than the run itself.

I still preferred group runs to solo ones, the athmosphere make it up to a social personality way too much more. On the other hand thoughts developing in myself throughout these runs give the definite lead of way to not believing in myself anymore. I’m not capable, I actually suck, i’m a whiner; sentences realized in myself. And at the same time I felt great to be around with them. Only running was not working out as planned.

Had a race over the weekend. I still had to go to a party with the running buddies previous night, because this is how I trick my own mind. I feel good with them, they like my company, race is just a race, and in fact many of us attended the next day, so why should I not join them anyways. We had great fun, even greater amount to drink and continious smoking. Got home at a normal hour comparing to party-mode, but way too late as for a serious race attender. Overslept, and rushed to dress up in anything I could find to at least make it to the startline on time. Still dizzy, still poisoned from too much intake of everything. And no surprise I could not pick up the tempo, I kept running with no interest other than finishing. Still kept the good spirit shown to the outside world, was one big smile and social as usual. Inside, I cried. I knew this is not my pace, and not my real face. 

Getting second place helped not to except my state of being, in fact made it worse. Perfectionism with added zero self-esteem lead to total closing up for the rest of the day just to realize I’ve been closed for some months now.

Sunday continued with equally low mood, and only a sudden urge to go run made it change. I had no proper gear, just the usual training gear, but no socks, no watch, no fuel nor water. I had no plan either how much to run, but secretly was hoping to accomplish my long run before Berlin. I had my fear instead, a lot of fear, so tried to ease my mind to run as much as I want in a pace still feels good and not care about the rest. It wasn’t easy, nor hard. It went on. And whenever I started to loose interest and thought of giving up I told myself if I could go this far, I should better keep on going. Noone knows if I could run this far in any other day. 

I was probably over 30km, almost done when a biker turned around when passing me. He said hi, and I said hi. He looked at me surprised and asked shockingly if I didn’t recognise him. I did not. I told him, and started to be a bit worried, I was alone on the road – as a comparison I started running when the route was still packed with fellow trainers – the lights were not yet on although the sun had set already. I questioned my own well-being in terms of deciding to run that far, alone. He kept cycling next to me, and I could not help but start feeling extremely nervous, I knew I could not pick up the tempo, I had no backup, I didn’t even had one sip of water throughout the run, I made it through in 2 coffees I had during the day previously and some bites of ruccola salad and limonade. I turned to him and I said: I’m sorry I’m really pushing here and don’t need a company. He said nothing but kept biking next to me for a while, but than he finally gave up. I was done five minutes later.

He probably didn’t mean to do anything bad to me, in fact he might got to know me as an outgoing person. I was not one yesterday. Yestermonth. For a while now.

I stopped and checked my workout on my phone. 31.8 km 4:49 pace. 2:30 hrs of run. I did it. 

Nowhere near marathonpace, and I felt tired, blisters on my foot although I haven’t had those for months, calves burning. But I did it. Finally I proved something to myself, and I calmed down a bit.

And this is how I shout: Berlin here I come.

Style2run experiment

  

Style2run’s existence began as a side project for my thesis I wrote a year ago for my studies on digital marketing focusing on the topic of the individual’s influence on social media and its effect in marketing choices of big brands and companies.

Dissertation soon became a passion, passion became a lifestyle, I observed, analysed with great excitment and turned my work in with proud happiness to checked by the university comittee. I was never afraid of not passing, in fact I didn’t even care on the results, the road once again gave me so much knowledge, impulse and feels already. It worth it for the road itself.

Style2run became an everyday activity, a work with no commitments, no payroll, no bosses. My way. Dissertation never felt easier than before, although it took considerably a lot of time of my life. It also took a lot into risk: family, relationship, friendships were and are brought to the edge quite often. Life changed, and diploma earned. No regrets on any seconds in the past.

Style2run outlived the experiment phrase in fact it became part of me and I became Style2run. Never biased any posts for more traffic or followers. Honesty I always gave big focus and throughout the whole project whoever I got in contact became a real interperson communication and never kept it on the level of scientific analysing. I’ve met great people and greater ideas, cultural exchanges excited me on a daily basis.

I never planned what would happen with Style2run after the project would end, and still have no plans. I don’t consider myself as an influencer nor a dot on the world digital map either, although I do feel like a superstar sometimes. Sometimes not. It was no question to keep Style2run alive because all impulses, inspiration I received through gave the biggest strenght and existence, and I hope I also could and still will be able to give back some.

When the thesis topic started to formulate in my mind there was only one person I shared it with and A really is someone who helped me through a lot along the way. Her academic approach to my rather spontaneous and creative idea helped me to make a serious paper out of my love towards running combining with customer behavior. I’m seriously grateful for her and everyone whoever had any business with Style2run. And for their new friendships too. 

Style2run became me and I became Style2run. I’ve changed personally along the way, but I’ve never changed along the way. Style2run became a live person as soon as the start, otherwise it would not feel real. And I didn’t want it to be not real anyways. I changed however, as I started to communicate with strangers with diverse cultures soon became close friends a lot of times. But I’ve also remained to be myself as well friendships formed on true personality trades. 

I grew into the new ways, the extremity to have a huge door suddenly opening up to the world for both inviting in anyone and for me to step into the big world myself. Lot of responsibility along the way but never a careful focusing on results only plan in terms of reaching my goal, if there was any. It was never obvious if the project would be successful and a thesis could be written out of it, but along the way after a while it didn’t matter anymore. I started to enjoy being Style2run all the way.

And this is why Style2run keeps on going!

There were are and possibly will be times when I question the legitimacy of the existence, whether it helps my own selflearning at all, but than it usually ends up with a loud yes, a green light to keep up, because I like it a lot and it takes me to places physically and mentally both where I’ve never dreamed to be.  I travel, I meet people, and we talk ideas, ourselves, and world problems. I also meet doubts, resistance and some hate along the way which feels soultearing and questions the legitimacy just to turn back to the befgnning of the paragraph. Like in real life basically. Because Style2run became real life.

As S2R became me I’ve met people really grew important to me. Like so important to be there for them if they need me, like really need me. Or just for a beer, just for a smalltalk. Whatever. For an honest talk, for love, for a run you name it. Budapest-Copenhagen-New York-Amsterdam-Munich-Kiev-Moscow. Anywhere basically. 

And S2R became a runner too along the way. 

Style2run also has a diploma in master of Marketing Management now.

Thank you all for the great support all the way. I build myself and S2R on this. 

Dare to play

 
So funny, how the mind plays the game of life. Heart too, but that is another story.

Just after discussing my current uniterest with the coach of wannabes to do as I feel like it, I immediately start feeling sime vibe to run again. 

Gyakusou gear was/is really right about love/hate relationship towards running and training particulalry.

Game is on.

Looking up for sources in academic literature searching for addiction to running, a term I’ve never denied nor approved to be related to my own being. 

The fact, that other than worried thinking of worldwide and local social and humanitarian problems nowadays my thoughts are always turning back to running.

There is one thing when I feel the burnout effect, totally covering my current state of self, I also doubt it is so black and white. Because on the other hand I am willing to run freely and happy and weightless just like some time ago. I cannot wait to go to SF, but even more to NY, I might even consider the Big Apple to run better than Berlin, so excited about that in fact. Either way, it is all about feeling free while running and all that matters. And New York already made me have the vibe of free fly. Best.

Game is on.

I’m extremely tired on the other hand, but it is a big right hand I’m getting from friends and the coach too to overcome my mental and emotional tiredness.  Major dissapointments I also turn to advantages, I guess the author Christina McDowell of After perfect really made a point when wrote that one meets its true self when hitting rock bottom. Beachside book with its one important sentence. 

Game is on.

The game called life. Dare to play, and therefore observe. Once again turning into discovery mode of my own being, quite tough as a game, and there is no end with a winner at all. 

No winner, because afterall everyone wins. Burn outs psychological effects awaiting to be met and analyzed and I’m excited. Everyday is a new day to learn something of myself.

Game is on and I doubt running as a passion will ever leave me behind, and that is a good thing. We all need stabile rocks in our lives to be relied on. We are human afterall. 

So far I learned that run in my terms and norms gives me the freedom, to be a free spirit and a free/clear mind, off characters. My run, my way.

Still, one can play hard, and train to achieve something measured in PB-s, but as it seems I rather opt for the joy factor and psycho effect of a run, rather than the physical ones. 

In my game I’m no bodybuilder but rather an emotional runner. And that is ok too, just time is needed in order to accept the fact that even sharing both characters into one body of mine doesn’t work for me as a self being. So I rather drop the physical and enjoy the emotional side effects.

 

Dedication

 
I called coach today, he told me to do so for a nice little chat. He feels something is going on. I’m not the smiler the restless the unstoppable nowadays he tells me. I lost dedication I answered. He told me to take it easy for the week, and run as I wish, go as I like. 

I like how the soul is considered in the training plan, I like the fact that there are more than required paces, and length written into a spreadsheet.

But it is the dedication I seem to loose. And I’m in total doubts whether it is not giving up simply. 

I went for a run this morning, early enough to take it slow. Listening to music and wonder how complex I feel. I am hard on myself and such a weak biaatch at the same time. What is out of comfortzone for me anyways? Waking up after not sleeping by sunrise? Where dedication really starts?

There are numerous phonecalls in the morning, nice to feel alive. Crewmembers calling just to check-in. Nothing serious, just to say Hi. Like close friends, or like family. Nothing important to say, nor any breaking news to share, just a chat. Instead of weather, the topic is running.

I feel good among them, in fact I feel good. No stress to say this out loud. It’s a current state of mind.

But mind so busy too. It is a question to be answered, and I have two answers to choose from:

The part of me being hard on myself:

I really gave up, I really suck

The part being less hard on me:

I don’t operate on trainings, I blow myself up for a race on raceday. Original plan to train hard, a dedication to bring out the best, to feel exhausted and proud in the finishline by preparing for it failed. I know myself better. I should just sit back and enjoy.

I wish I knew which one is the correct answer.
I have a race this Saturday. I should be fine and get my answers. Or just simply blow myself up to run. Competition addiction to someone hates competition and being front in any race. Not that it is a possibilty these days.