Dedication

 
I called coach today, he told me to do so for a nice little chat. He feels something is going on. I’m not the smiler the restless the unstoppable nowadays he tells me. I lost dedication I answered. He told me to take it easy for the week, and run as I wish, go as I like. 

I like how the soul is considered in the training plan, I like the fact that there are more than required paces, and length written into a spreadsheet.

But it is the dedication I seem to loose. And I’m in total doubts whether it is not giving up simply. 

I went for a run this morning, early enough to take it slow. Listening to music and wonder how complex I feel. I am hard on myself and such a weak biaatch at the same time. What is out of comfortzone for me anyways? Waking up after not sleeping by sunrise? Where dedication really starts?

There are numerous phonecalls in the morning, nice to feel alive. Crewmembers calling just to check-in. Nothing serious, just to say Hi. Like close friends, or like family. Nothing important to say, nor any breaking news to share, just a chat. Instead of weather, the topic is running.

I feel good among them, in fact I feel good. No stress to say this out loud. It’s a current state of mind.

But mind so busy too. It is a question to be answered, and I have two answers to choose from:

The part of me being hard on myself:

I really gave up, I really suck

The part being less hard on me:

I don’t operate on trainings, I blow myself up for a race on raceday. Original plan to train hard, a dedication to bring out the best, to feel exhausted and proud in the finishline by preparing for it failed. I know myself better. I should just sit back and enjoy.

I wish I knew which one is the correct answer.
I have a race this Saturday. I should be fine and get my answers. Or just simply blow myself up to run. Competition addiction to someone hates competition and being front in any race. Not that it is a possibilty these days. 

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