Quite unrelated to real life to talk about tapering mode as I haven’t been running for weeks now, except my one half marathon running in San Francisco. Not quite ready for my Marathon this weekend therefore.

I still have dreams and hopes, but mainly off-running. Off-racing precisely, the will to go out and run only for fun, notraining mode, enjoyment factor-based rather. New York will be the last of the season, and I already am at state of overseasoned. Being sick for such a long time gave me such a lowfeel, I probably should never ever get sick in my life. 

But when I close my eyes I still see myself running the bridges the avenues, being annoyed of the loud screams on 1st, but I laugh at myself, because it is in fact pretty fun, and definitely no annoyance when people cheer into your ears constantly shouting you are a hero.

I know I will suffer, I know I will question my choice and will wanna give up just to go on to suffer more, and I know crossing the finish line will give me one awesome feel for a moment just to turn to shame-mode and the whatifs questions. What if I just pushed a bit harder? What if I rather enjoyed than pushed too hard? If wouldn’t start too fast or in fact too slow. If I took that extra gel or did not drink that last refreshment water from cup, would I have done it? Would I have done what? 

But this is after it is over. Before, there are the usual: what to wear? Shorts vs longs, singlet vs shirt. Windy, humid, hot? Weather-forecast shows perfect conditions on my surprise, I really gotta push therefore, New York hasn’t been ever so generous in these terms. Have I’d taken enough vitamins, enough enough to override the lack of training lately. Do I really wanna meet up with this or that one? Shake out run with the happy ones, or do it quitely. Is he really gonna come to be my pacer? Like really really really? I mean him, the one can easily run a sub 2:10? Really 2:10. Thats like crazy I know. And than afterwards will I be able to / wanna go to celebrate it and take it off my shoulder? Ready ready? 

I will try to remember all 26.2 miles in terms of bodyworking, my thoughts throughout the way. 

But first I gotta get to anxious mode and feel the tapering to fully be prepared at least mind-wise. 



Setting the mind

Settling down to acceptance that I will indeed run this one.

And perhaps in a week or so, I can rest with a nice run with no commitments, just a run. 



One for the soul

There are races make no sense to attend for various reasons. Why willing to show up for a quick half marathon on the other side of the world really?

Rolling eyes I got when confessed I did enter and got accepted to run Women’s Half Marathon in San Francisco, between two marathon majors a month apart from each other. Everyone’s dream to attend anyways, but travelling from Europe for this quicky seemed no sense to a lot around me. Adding the fact of having been sick, and cramps still remanied even a day before the race, I could not miss is. Restless says some. Typical Aries others replied. Noone really understood. But I wanted to go, and even if only for a brief 3 and a half days I keenly were awaiting.

And I was right all the way. Filling myself up with the best possible me-time for sometime, it well worth it. Not to mention the Tiffany necklace shining at me after crossing the finishline. That’s pretty materialistic, but also a great memorable to remind myself of the feelings attached to this short encounter in a worse day. Like today. Only two days after my race; maybe I am restless afterall.

But I also proved I was right !!!

13th and 131th overall. Because afterall, men also participated with women.

That makes me proud, top of cake on all emotions I’m full of after the race, the city, my being on my own for three days.

But it was also a weekend of celebration, not only the amercian way, feeling superowoman, and superwomen just fly. And don’t cry and just powerwomen, and we kick ass and so on. Not a feminist at all, still felt the extraordinary power of us being there, together. Though we still checked each other’s outfits, cellulites, make up and so on. But we also loved each other, as the slogan on the road said: we are stronger as we. 

But it wasn’t all about the slogans and marketing tricks and the american anthem that made me smile with watery eyes all time. It was something that was flowing through my vein, the moment that will always be mine, and noone can take it from me.

The moment lasted for almost four days in full power, and although I’m back in hometown, I can still feed on it. Lucky, one lucky biatch I feel. Moment which contained early morning strolls and smoking front of the hotel and viber with M totally like home about how I feel but this time we were an ocean apart. Than later I would wander around, walking on the rainbow pavement of Castro district, or all the way down to the bay on Market street. Muzeums were fulfilling yet far away too, de Young and co worth the walk. No rush, looking around and up ans down, simply to enjoy. Meeting some girls from different continents for coffee and my homie now staying in LA stayed with me for a short two days, we hang out casually like we were home. Except we ate at a restaurant where the waiter whispered to my ear: she must be hungarian, she has this typical accent. Did not recognized mine. We brunched at Fishermans Whalf grabbed a drink on Pier 39 and we also ran 13.1 miles with ups and downs and one mofo hill I will always remember. Though we missed the cable-car, what a jammer. Had fun.

But what was inside building up in me was something totally different. This time of year I usually went to see my sister in Oslo, she worked so I had time on my own during the day, and over the week spent in Norway I always filled myself up with so much good vibes kept me going through the shitty wintertime after. Something similar I gained from this trip as well, though I’m already back to stress – work/human behaviors/big questions of life. 

Coming home was me being happy and ready to rock. But routines are routines and round 129 began again, and I’m just so fed up, and as well angry finally. Fvcking angry feeling so much annoyance it makes me calm and happy actually. I make bo sense, I know, and everyone knows too. 

Never say finally – motto of my year but perhaps this is something to begin with. 

Next week new adventures, and familytime finally too! Yeah! Girls rock afterall


San Francisco Nike Women’s Half

So, here we are. A bit tipsy, a bit bitter, but totally and extremely calm. I don’t know why.

But first time in my life, I take it as granted, no overthoughts no rethinking. Only here to enjoy.

Flying over the ocean between continents I cried; and could not stop. Why-s remain unanswered, when something similar to this happens I usually end up having a family member in serious issues. As soon as landed I called everyone and everything seems fine, noone got hurt, although my husbands mom was really in a worrying state, therefore could not pick up my daughter from pre-school, however couple of hours later was she able to go to a hip theatre play for social appearance. Don’t blame her. Priorities over priorities.

Got into town. San Francisco, where from I share so many memories; stealing diet cokes from a restaurant where the restroom was shared with the storage room, being 16 I owned the streets at nights, but perhaps not downtown area where my posh self stays now, with upgrades like champagne on ice upon arrival. Things changed and I changed as well. 

Perhaps not. I’m still something I believe I am. While I upgraded to reading a psychotherapy academic literature instead of teen vogue as my vacation compagnion – and vogue with angelina jolie on the cover I must admit – , people on the streets of San Francisco still greet me passing by as they think I’m smiling at them, although I just wander around on the streets. Must not go the left from my hotel, it’s downtown torn down area, must have forgotten about that, or being more exact I probably had the state of mind of no fear of a teenager.

I’m drunk on prosecco and Napa Valley wine sitting on the 46th floor overeating on texmex salmon if that exists anyways. For dessert I eat peanutbutter filled brownies and in fact I feel I’m sitting on top of the world.

I cried all the way from Europe to the U.S. Why am I so restless kept me bugging while memories of recent and far away past emerged on the plane ride.

I decide once arrive I won’t rush I won’t run around but instead taking my time. And so it worked. Although it might not met the privileges of tapering for a race, I woke up early I climbed on hills, I’ve seen and walked the bay, I’d checked the film festival however decided not to attend, weather beautiful suggested otherwise. I instead went to 2 museums, and left one for tommorrow, and I grabbed kale juice and sushi at Whole Foods for lunch. And throughout the day I enjoyed me being my own partner. 

I even skipped NTC meeting in order to maximize the effect of me and myself being together. I know the tricks and ways to enjoy America, I’ve done that some decade ago. Although I had an emerging rush to go for a run I managed to keep myself back. I need to feel the major crush towards the racerunning itself in order to run this sick. I feel so ready in mind, wonder how my body can keep up and perform.

Everyone runs in San Francisco as it seems. Everyone owns the streets of SF, so many Hokas, nike structures and black attires I see no matter what time it is. Locals run, tourists take the cable train. There are music on every corner there are junkies, transvestite or hot black bodies dancing along to them. Poverty is on arise here as well, can smell either the weed or the substantive drugs on the streets, craziness is present, people either talk to their bluetooth earpiece or to themselves on the street. California. Opportunities to arise dissapeared too. Still, I love California, I love livin’ in a hotel California. 

How the running a race again formulates in my mind? I don’t seem to care about the powering wind, neither the elevation pretty steep. I also know I’m neither prepared nor ready to run this one, but I’m so ready to take this as well, to run, to see, too explore.


I’m off to meet some bridgethegap friends from Kiev and Hong Kong now. The world is so small. Especially looking down from my tower in 46th floor. 

Two days prior race we will most likely loose our minds in the nights of SF, where the last time I visited was underage therefore not allowed to drinnk but still managed somehow. Not much changed, I still find my ways to feel ok. And this time I don’t even cry inside. And noone even bothers to ask for my ID. 

I decided to take this race as an experiment, I wish I could run my heart out, but if I fail I still want to finish. i will run with full heart. I guess feelings just cannot dissapear like that.

Happy racing for the women and men behind them elevating women’s running. Glad to be here, glad to be alive and glad to be able to run. Hopefully. 

Heroes of the asphalt

So far, I have never ran a marathon hometown. Budapest is yet stays unticked. I wasn’t planning to run this year either not that I wanted, it did’t met my plans at all. 

Plans? New word in my vocabulary anyways in regard of running. Living on the now or never kinda thread, this autumn bringing the new era of actually thinking ahead and plan or train for a race. Not my piece of cake however, not my peace of mind whatsoever. But Marathon Majors must be planned no matter, and this way I had no choice but take the ordinary way called planning. Ahead.

Unexpected therefore can only occur when plans are directly concreted and steps taken in order. Unexpected only happens when necessarry steps were planned and done. But getting sick is unexpected in both living parallel happens if happens so. Never really being sick previously – not that I’m THAT sick now – affects both my everyday life but also running paradise too. Hello real life! Plans to be ruined.

Not that I planned to run Budapest Marathon. Not that I’m being a snob – yesh – but it did not meet my other plans. But, I had to be part I had to be there. And I had to cheer, to scream, to laugh and clap my hands. 

Not so big of a use being a two pack cheering team at the 1K mark but at least I was there with the daughter. In rain. No, it actually rained no more. The weather went crazy nice for the time of the race, stopped raining at exactly when the start pistol went off and regained energy to pour on us some major amount of water when the death bus got back to the finish area. Thanks for whoever.

Weather epic to the ones running the M, I just stood there watching the elites rush through and when the crowd approached, and I felt envy. I felt these people are doing some extraordinary, something pretty unique – though only on this race 10.000 runners took part -, and I felt they all are heroes of a kind. i had to actually convince myself of me having been there and done that, but it looked so far away. I was one proud little onlookers with big dreams that at once I can make it too. Even though I’ve done a couple of them already. Marathoners high. 

Though, Berlin will never fade, nor my other extraordinary marathons I’ve done over the one year when I started. And I still have a major ahead, New York bib just arrived today and a half on the way in SanFrancisco which I’m already packing for. Nontheless being prepared though I could not even not run the last week but was barely able to move.

And perhaps next year, I finally could run one marathon hometown. 

Sh*t happens

Berlin got my wings back or so I thought. Soul turned to its true self and I saluted but body thought otherwise. Pretending I was only whining did not lead to from believing to really happening.

Seriously why is it so awfully complicated the human body which plays the game of challenging to keep up with the goals. When the mind finally sets back to happy-mode, why a never-happened-before cycle of sickness begins starting with the cold turned coughing for weeks turning to a pre-marathon anxiety diagnosed vomit/diarheea and now this something that leads me to run struggling even at 6:20 per km. 

It is only a week before San Francisco and 3 weeks prior to NYC marathon, both I was so ready to take.

I cannot run, but even if I could trick my body with my willing mind I would still hold back, I cannot just can’t run the U.S. races so I rather not jeopardize. 

Resting mode on, instagram for some motivational photos of others on. Me running is off. Listening to my crew talking about training highs and lows I try to take part from the distance at least. 

And counting the seconds until my return.

A week later

And a stone lighter.

Berlin Marathon, second time in my life, this round with a lot to deal with and a long way in supposed preparation.

In reality, preparation was biased and totally ruined all the way to that specific level where one not only anxiously doubts whether a marathon distance is achiavable but having serious signs of giving up thoughts prior race. Not a healthy and perfect condition for the line-up at the start line.

And therefore I had to deal with even more to deal with. Intervalls, fartleks failed during my training period, in fact me training for a race failed big time. Long runs I ran close to none on the other hand totally questioned the serious commitment to run Berlin at all.

Cheating on trainings, getting my soul sink under surface, still loosing essential electrolytes in fun runs and putting on characters to avoid serious conversations with others, the long lost motivation and giving up on willpower, feeling worthless and undesirable – this is how I got into the crew BMW to ride to Berlin. Silent mode I told the others and I kept busy along the way with my dumb thoughts of nada, brainwashed as much as one could be, with a little bit of coughing here and there still carrying from my dehydrating vacation in Cyprus. Weak is a weak word for how I felt, but coach and M were there so I could not completely loose myself. 

We had a little no-talk issue with M and I really felt uneasy about the weekend, us sleeping under the same roof, supposively best friends among the running world, us who don’t talk much lately but also us who keep each other high on cheers and encouragement. I knew I probably would fail keeping myself angry with him, because I really wanted him to run his goal and to give him a hifive and a huge hug after finish.

We drove silently and even though I felt supercold, I rather kept my mouth shut and set my mind on the unavoidable as we passed borders and realization occured: there is no turning back, marathon run is soon to begin.

I really hoped I could be prepared and mind set to do the extraordinary and run my heart out. State of mind and current physical being however made me rethink the whole meaning once again just weeks prior the race. I was not ready, nor prepared. In fact I was a wreck mentally, and inside-and-out.

By the time we got to the border of Germany I also knew I got a cold, but it just made me laugh, at least I can blame my result on this afterwards. If I could finish the race. At all. 

On a serious note, I wasn’t really sure I would be able to run 42K at once at all. No whining, pure facts.

Berlin however did not dissapoint me for a second. Arriving, settling and eating at a thai restaurant 5 steps from our flat meeting up with friends made me ease down,  in fact I laughed and all of a sudden I was no longer mad at M at all. We drank and laughed the night away stayed up in the 8 persons apartment running and dancing around, just the 3 of us, we only had a day before the rest of the crew arrived and the flat would be packed with running gear and buddies. Started to feel some marathon vibe finally.

Next morning we went for a run with coach, M stayed in being lazy. Run felt uneasy and chest hurt. I even considered having bronchitis, but later decided I for the first time in my life just had been hipohondriac. Got home and threw up. Went to the expo and vomited again. Am I pregnant I thought but had no time to think as I had to rush back to the ladies room. Rest of the day spent running from one restroom to the other. Nothing stayed inside, so after a while I gave up on trying. By the time the rest of the crew arrived to the flat in the evening I was one powerless heavy medicine ball laying on the couch almost unable to move. I whispered M that I need a rest and moved to my bed. I could hear they have fun in the living room, but than I finally fall asleep. Dreamed to sleep it out. 

Morning we attended breakfast run with outernational runners but none of my BTG friends. No racer crewmember akong with coach went for a longer session, so it was just the two of us with M and the guy driving us to the run as I was so weak they decided to take me there. Hate to feel vulnerable but sick even more, but this 6K in 6min pace I had to do not to totally lose the spirit. It never occured to me that this route contains no mobile toilets on the way… M waited on me outside of a posh little cafeteria packed with nicely dressed up westerners with happy wrinkles and highquality outfits. Other side of the wall kinda elderly took a moment to see my miserable face than sipped another from their ceramic coffeemugs. 

However, the crowd running the breakfast run made me focus on my challenge of the tommorrow and somehow my mind set to keenly awaiting mode for the marathon. I realized, I don’t need to stick with the plan and I can just run the whole marathon at 5:30, it’s all about me. Me enjoying. And this made me calm down. I told M my feelings and that I don’t want to talk to him run with him on the race. And I also told him I would throw tantrums if he would act the way he acted two weeks ago on the half marathon race. He went insane there, and could not ease him at all, and it seemed this time around I would have the same issues. Day went by pretty fast, afternoon with some cheering for the inline skaters,  going to bridge the gapping formsome shake out run and greet some I’ve never met before – this will be another post – and I felt ready to race. Except that as coach diagnosed me, I had fever adding to the already weird physical conditions of mine. Had nothing to eat for two days now and none to drink either just in case. 

Early going to bed, chatting a bit with M in the dark and dreams of the marathon. M calmed me down although I was too tired to be nervous even. 

Sunday. Race day. Between M and the Veteran to hold me tight as I still wasn’t my finest. No food no coffee in order to avoid any toilet visits. Empty stomach I listened to some music on the U-bahn, when Veteran realized he left his chip home, this made me active finally calling the cheersquad to look for it in the flat. M behaved well, no freaking out, in fact all smiles and ready to race. This is how we lined up into the crowd heading to the startline. Holding hands not to lose each other, special moments to remember. Anxious and ready we went under the start. And off we ran.

I enjoyed, trully, gracefully and with no gels no drinks until 32k. From than on I stopped at every refreshment stand to calmly drink the cup of water. Never done that before, the stopping, I usually rushed tru trying to sip some from the cups I always ended uo throwing the water into my nose accidentally. This time I took the time. And it also felt good. Had not checked on the watch, cared not about the time. i enjoyed being there running this Major once again. And I even did pretty good considerably. 3:18. For a moment I had the thought of killing myself to stop drinking like 4 times on the last 10k but quickly passed the bad thoughts and kept running to meet M to finally hug him, because he did it, his goal achieved.

Mine too. I enjoyed and left some thoughts and feelings along the way. Later that night I watched the full moon rising and shining, and realized I finally like running and myself again.

A week later, back in town back at work and I miss running again. And I smile. Still smile. 

Danke sehr Berlin!