Losses

  
art by Yael Bartana

Losing a hat here and there, some unpaired gloves remain, even socks gone missing, all results of running culture. Life of a runner, either lifestyle or hobby – wise. 

But there is also a way to lose running itself, love/hate anyways. Detour only for different reasons, too cold, too warm, too lazy, too injured. Feeling low or feeling high, too early too late, no time or too much time. 

Doing yoga once again on the daily basis, makes me sleep easier, makes me not so cold and not so feeling fat. Run is also here. Back to the 60kms per week, far from my peak weeks. Manage to go with the ones I’m ok with calling the crew. Or not. Sometimes there is too much of crew too.

Running doesn’t give the same feelings as gave couple of months ago, but that is ok too. I don’t run for PB nor for happiness or calming down, deifinitely for a goal to achieve, but all these together. Or more precisely, whatever it turns out to be after a run. Nowadays it is something new to pay attention to. I used to so much got attached to my crewmates lately I’m so annoyed of them now. Not them naturally, myself to be clear. Myself running in groups, losing identity to be a mass of a kind. Special kind anyways, the one so important for me. But something so intense can be easily hated in no second as well. I’m intensive, and being impulsive I prefer loneliness nowadays. Too much attachment detached me from my own running regimen, affected and affects my everydays in fact everymoments. 

And there is always a moment when one had enough and steps up and changes something in the everydays in order to undo the every from the days or moments. Running circles one must realize, and this gives the kick to move on. There might come a loss along the way but one shall see the positiveness or negativeness in their own decision in action some time later.

Jeopardize not so much rather risk the owned valuables in my case some well developed and important friendships. Or one in particular. 

Sometimes is good to run alone. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the enormous love towards my running mates, it’s just good to go lowkey in terms of running with my own thoughts, and respond to those rather than paying attention to one and all.

Annoyed of myself leads to a close up to the outside world in order to open to the inner soul and deal with own issues, good or bad.

But I also hope the others understand and won’t add new lines to my losses’ list. A half pair of glove is fine, a person I rather not loose. Nor the running, neither myrun, nor the socialruns.

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