Dare to stand (run) alone

  
It is not only cold outside. It is freezing, fingerparalyzing cold in fact, face-facing-frozen kinda way. It is winter however, dare the run anyways.

But other things change and affects running and life in general enormously as well. Fights with M, my one and only mate among the crowded squad of our runningcrew became so unbearable I needed to face some serious questioning and decisions to make.  We regsitered for a race in March, something extraordinary as well, unique in a kind, we plan to run around the lake once again, but this time not as a relay team of 2 only meeting at check pointa along the route, nor as a team but as individual contestants running together along the path. Until than, we both prepare for the race. Individually, no contact kinda way. This meant not only step aside from being his companion but as it seems necessarry from the rest of the crew as a whole. I do keep contact with some of them as friends but do not take part in conversation in our secret facebook group, nor plan to attend teambuilding sessions, in fact I left the groupchat and therefore will not really know about gatherings at all. 

Sometimes I think I will feel left out, but otherwise I’m pretty sane to realize the purpose of my running life was always based on the fact that I needed to be away from everything and everyone for these brief encounters called often as ME time among women runners especially. 

For M run helped him to overcome on certain issues, and therefore it made him feel that running is something of a kind. I came along and paired up well into his passion to form a unique and special kinda bond which fit both of us needs at that time as friends too. For me it was a bit off in the beginning as my run was more to be alone with my thoughts, but I also had my pleasure when running as group to feel my social self to be fed as well. Win-win I felt with running those summer days. And I grew into to accept the fact to feel special while forming the bond with M. Attachement was built and now that starting realizing the whole state of the relationship we both became anxious and felt the fear about the future. Plans especially. 

And therefore we force some distance now, and I face all emotions coming in front in these terms. Detachment process we tried things like casual speaking which meant not saying what we really would anyways to each other, etc. But we still were part of the crew and this for me seemed complicating our lives even more. 

So I took a deep breath and left the fb group, I left the daily intake of 100+ chatmessages on basically everything that came into anyone’s mind. I opt for a bit of silence and offilne mode. To rearrange and rediscover the beauty of life in general. To get myself back on track and to run myself better. Emotionally speaking, performance-wise I will not want to be better as striving for PR-s or other kinda achievment. Better to accept myself without chasing some materialistic dreams measured in minutes and seconds. Better to feel better in general; not to be driven by the performance and the future race itself to feel releaved to accomplish but to learn once again to enjoy the process itself.

I wish it went well. 

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Run and co.

  
Running is easy they say because all you need is shoes and off you go. Anywhere, anytime.

Like it exists. The anywhere anytime, another fairytale for grown ups I suppose.

As you wish. Favorite phrase stollen from Princess Bride me playing Buttercup I often heard from a friend I don’t keep in touch with lately, life grew us apart. He always told me when I got angry or restless on matters to calm me down; and I’ve always smiled after. Friends understand me.

He got into cycling and moved from Paris to L.A.
I turned to running and stayed where I stayed being restless and sometimes I tell myself: as you wish. Smile doesn’t come rightaway though. We lost contact. And I seriously miss our friendship.

Running is not an anywhere anytime option for me just as for the rest of us. We all struggle with time-sheets and shortage of daily allowance measured in minutes. So we sneak out. Or at least me. I ran when I can steal some time from other duties, as you wish, not. I run scheduled and let by family, work, when crew has time, when I have free time. I run on an inside clock of mine, a rushing feeling by the end should I be already on my next task, should be back as my daily runallowance finishes in a short time. Fighting with my own clock and remorse. I go run to feel better loosen or freshen up and by the end I feel guilt. 

Towards relationships. Might sound selfish, and in fact I might be. I am selfish in regard of running. The only option not to feel selfish otherwise. But turning to a runner lifestyle-wise happened overnight I guess, or was I always one with the running itself missing? Nevernotrunning and perhaps nevernotthinking of running.

How a relationship can be ruined by running? Is it me only? With special needs so extraordinary that life cannot accept. 

I run. And through running I find myself in the position to once again open up to the world, meeting new people and perhaps get in conversations. Runs continue in talks later the day, friendships emerge. We keep in touch. Sometimes it is about next days plan in training together, sometimes it’s more private life matters, sometimes it’s something more. Attachments. Turning into lifestyle changes. 

Would I accept the fact of I had to face it? Relationship crisis based on running and co. But I don’t want to and won’t blame it on running, never. I was built up the way I am, social in a way, and super autonome on the other. Not the easiest combination to live up to a relationship. Compromises for a good cause however brought me into the couple game, but than again, it is a good one to happen to one. Life events.

I also override on sensitivity and emotional aliveness. Can you take life less seriously? Like enjoy, but than again take the norms? In my case if I was less serious I would be less emotional and would enjoy less? Confused. 

Run brings up emotions along the way, and I love it, how less serious I take life. And by doing so I’ve met the best, and now afraid losing all once again. By being present how I live. The fullest. To live through everything. As I wish. 

Internal battles. A familar yet uncomfortable situation, this is me. Also me. Joy and suffer on peak, both, this is me too. We keep distance in order to save our closeness. It isn’t like end of the world, but still feels like it a bit. Optional to feel low about it, but I take it granted, to live through it. Realizing was a tough one too, but happy to have the capability to allow myself to feel and for the realization itself. 

Running track turned battlefield for the inner souls, though we act casual on the outside. Plans are still on, in fact new horizon emerges. Wake me up, this is what it is called now. Adulthood is not a fairytale, no as you wish. Serious game, with consequences and backups. Questioning along the way raised more questions to keep the distance. In order to achieve closeness. Running changes nowadays, keep on going, but missing my other half. So much as you wish.

Motion blurred

  
Returning to reality hitting me so hard.

25 km for the weekend, cannot even recall when was the last time running that much. Plan for the plans required run, Sunday morning awakening and picking up M at home and myself from pieces. Meeting with the crew I like these peeps. No doublethoughts on elevation nor distance off we ho, before I could realize all those. Up on the asphalt in my trail shoes, early morning discussion with M on the daily styling in regards of shoes especially. Should have chosen other ones we end up never leaving the concrete at all. Everything around us is icy and slippery. 

Slippery everywhere, life especially, it is time to reboot and think through. I manage even if left behind a bit to keep up with the crew, uphill I breathe heavily. No crying during this time. Enjoying the scenery and my own motion. Even if blurred and cannot focus, I’m still present, I take apart. I feel ok not that it shows. But I feel ok during my run.

Even the sun comes out for brief minutes and it is all ok. Post run tea warms me up a bit, still shiverring though. Warm shower makes the trick, at least my body is ok, my hands reach its normal temperature. I just ran 25km I realize. I try to smile at M and pretend everything is ok. But it will be, everything will be fine. Plans we talk a bit more, good to have plans. Together. Still blurred, but we are in motion. 

2016 began bittersweet and along the way to vibe it up. Right on time when real winter checks in, real challenges of life begin.

Run plans are settled. 

The rest is as you wish.