Dare to stand (run) alone

  
It is not only cold outside. It is freezing, fingerparalyzing cold in fact, face-facing-frozen kinda way. It is winter however, dare the run anyways.

But other things change and affects running and life in general enormously as well. Fights with M, my one and only mate among the crowded squad of our runningcrew became so unbearable I needed to face some serious questioning and decisions to make.  We regsitered for a race in March, something extraordinary as well, unique in a kind, we plan to run around the lake once again, but this time not as a relay team of 2 only meeting at check pointa along the route, nor as a team but as individual contestants running together along the path. Until than, we both prepare for the race. Individually, no contact kinda way. This meant not only step aside from being his companion but as it seems necessarry from the rest of the crew as a whole. I do keep contact with some of them as friends but do not take part in conversation in our secret facebook group, nor plan to attend teambuilding sessions, in fact I left the groupchat and therefore will not really know about gatherings at all. 

Sometimes I think I will feel left out, but otherwise I’m pretty sane to realize the purpose of my running life was always based on the fact that I needed to be away from everything and everyone for these brief encounters called often as ME time among women runners especially. 

For M run helped him to overcome on certain issues, and therefore it made him feel that running is something of a kind. I came along and paired up well into his passion to form a unique and special kinda bond which fit both of us needs at that time as friends too. For me it was a bit off in the beginning as my run was more to be alone with my thoughts, but I also had my pleasure when running as group to feel my social self to be fed as well. Win-win I felt with running those summer days. And I grew into to accept the fact to feel special while forming the bond with M. Attachement was built and now that starting realizing the whole state of the relationship we both became anxious and felt the fear about the future. Plans especially. 

And therefore we force some distance now, and I face all emotions coming in front in these terms. Detachment process we tried things like casual speaking which meant not saying what we really would anyways to each other, etc. But we still were part of the crew and this for me seemed complicating our lives even more. 

So I took a deep breath and left the fb group, I left the daily intake of 100+ chatmessages on basically everything that came into anyone’s mind. I opt for a bit of silence and offilne mode. To rearrange and rediscover the beauty of life in general. To get myself back on track and to run myself better. Emotionally speaking, performance-wise I will not want to be better as striving for PR-s or other kinda achievment. Better to accept myself without chasing some materialistic dreams measured in minutes and seconds. Better to feel better in general; not to be driven by the performance and the future race itself to feel releaved to accomplish but to learn once again to enjoy the process itself.

I wish it went well. 

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