It’s a crew thing

I’ve always went to crew events, I love the athmosphere, the vibe, the people togetherness of common suffering. 

I’ve always thought I could keep up with the core team. The ones i believe take part on making them a crew who kept being a crew even outside of running terms. But I also thought we became core because we became important to each other. For each other, be there when needed, hang out when feel like it, enjoy run and enjoy free time together. Something like friends do.

But today, I realized when I slow down that also means losen on a friendship, it is all gone. Ok, not exactly true, but when after a long run one feels worse than before start one must think. It all became pace-oriented and no more friendship-based. We used to laugh and cry together, now I cry after. I still listen to stories, feelings and deep talks, but it cannot get deeper than my mind. Definitely won’t let it slide through my soul. Those days are over. No use, my reaction doesn’t mean a thing. Not important. Why take it so seriously than?

I was once so happy this crew was created. But by progressing to a faster speed it all seems we get back to the originals. Leaving running after it is over to get on with our lives. Some phonecalls here and there, strictly about scheduling crew runs. But as I slow down, I cannot keep up with the pace and the team and I guess, I was only important part of the crew because my run was fast enough to talk along a session. 

When our crew became a pro’s club where results are the most important things in life?

Wanna run alone? I rather do.

Loneliness of a long distance runner.


Run vs. Fashion month

That time of the year one of the two annual where I keep myself as busy on the net if can’t be present as possible, looking at beautiful creations with my totally sweaty being of myself. 

Never miss a runway show I run to my laptop taking off the outer layer at least to be up to date in fashion world. 

Morning runs, although I tend to wash my hair after waking up I realize what’s for, and I quickly put a hat on it, all ok, noone will notice kinda way and off I go. Later, post run I take a shower in the office -thanks for the comfort and high-end design, but mostly for the hot hot water. Cannot wash my hair, will do it tomorrow morning I say, I hate drying my hair anyways, although I keep one compact little hairdryer in the office was never been used. I sit down to meetings trying to act it is the way I wear my hair, messy, oily and kinda tossed totally randomly. Confident is the main key here. I’m a runner afterall. 

But fashion week days are different. Between meetings and runs I obsessively slide through all images to get to know all happenings. Don’t want to be left out especially that I’m left out in a way. Ugly as one can be I admire photos of beautifully made up women/girls.

And yesterday I was finally releaved. After so many Alexander Wang runway moments of well-done oily hairs -kinda small semgments compare to more mainstream brands, Prada showcased the exact mirror of my hair of the moment. Like girls just ran with me a speed workout in order to get to the show but had no time do hair. Red lips and the awesome clothes they put on, but the hair, THE HAIR was omg, just like me after my 3x3000m progress run under a hat. 

Or more precisely: I’m so fashionable and trendsetting that even on a run I wear the latest of the not even introduced trends, o yeah. 

Nonetheless, I washed my hair this morning, but now going for a run to set up the wet-look trend in couple of days of practices. Who would know I’m not fashionable but lazy instead. 

I love fashion weeks!

Intervalls my way

Not my piece of cake. Anxious days before every speed work. Let’s do it together, much easier as a crew.

And I always give up, at around 1 k, or the second set if intervalls are shorter. Somewhere along the way I lose all interest of increased heartbeat. An excuse? Probably. But a seriously biased one, I take it as granted, mind wins over body, I don’t ever experienced lactat phrase at all during speed work. In 2015 I enjoyed probably 1 or 2 workouts on tracks only, both with M, but we are a team anyways. And he was pretty much speed-work virgin so I set our lace usually; it changed now, he takes it all serious and commited AF to have his pace as coach requested. Killing me all these seriousness in relation with being lifestyle runners or our and in contrary to run to enjoy. With the crew all track attacks turned and still turns a menace of speeding, starting off well below the required pace, l know you gotta give it your best, but I rather quit. Always.

My girl, Nanna told me she prepped for her Berlin Marathon alone, doing all intervalls and fartleks solo. I thought she was insane, but committed. And I’m not one. Committed. Insane I am. Very much. 

But than again, it works for me too. Running alone I don’t hassle to let set my watch to the speed required by coach who btw sending me the plan 2-3 weeks as a package leaving no ultimatum for a worse day perhaps. So I set my own boundaries, and break my own barriers; I go run, start speedwork at a faster than before pace, speeding up throughout on set if I can, kinda checking my watch but never get overpunishing if it isn’t the right pace – usually slower, few times on pace, rarely faster – , but always finish. No dissapointment on giving up, nor any guilt over not even trying. Because as rule 2 I never -never say never, but really I try – skip intervalls nor fartleks. This also means I rather do these alone, so I can do as I wish. Nanna’s way works for me, and will see if it gives – in fact takes away some second or minutes – strength to run faster on races. 

On a sidenote: I’m training for a multiple days ultra running celebration (ha) again with M but as individual contestants so probably my speed trainings are not as hard as when I prepped for Berlin Marathon perhaps. And also it is wintertime. But nonetheless, I feel finally some joy finishing these track attacks and I’m glad I got to this point.

Big fall

So far so good. And the rest. How you fall doesn’t matter, how you land does. 

La haine, 1995

With the (ultra)trail boy we went for a run. He doesn’t like being called an ultra, so I needed to get an alternative nick. He didn’t tell me this in person, nor the phrase from La Haine ending scene I knew from the past, from my b&w period of life, when I thought Controll by Anton Corbijn was epic. I still do think though. Learning from signs..

We went for a run. I can only participate and join on easy days. For him. Training hard for me. 

We went for a run, where my thoughts were so busy jumping around but keeping one subject in focus. Was glad to get out, to get fresh air, to perhaps lose thoughts I’m so occupied with. On the trail. Was glad to run with him, we have some rhytmical union, or he might makes it up who knows. Still, I usually enjoy the runs even if hard AF.

Trail, where you must focus on steps and terrain. Was chilly, even the trailboy was cold I kept smiling on that, icey underneath the fresh snow we broke with our footsteps, virgin snow we call it. Off the well known path naturally, we never go with the mainstream, we snobs, even when running. He fall, got worried for a moment, but he is wise and trained I reminded myself, I’m the rookie here I whispered. Small rocks, small stones, I could feel under my sole, little ice here and there, good to erase all matters in the mind and concentrate on not to fall. Wouldn’t mind though, like the falling itself for some reason, though the terrain might surprise me. Asphalt falling I expertised myself in last summer, and when I played professional basketball when there was still a slight chance I would grow taller I always fell theatrically on the court, something like a football player, but a lot better. Referees called me the fall girl, but they always worried after one of my oscar-worthy scenes just to realize, I once made a fool of them just for a free throw. Expert in falling.

I realized my thoughts were elsewhere, not on the focus I’d been constantly and madly overthinking of nor on the path I needed to carefully examine before every step. Trailboy said I wasn’t talkative so I tried my best to keep a conversation. This led to another realization, one I’m glad for. We can actually run together, and talk even if no talk much today…. I’m losing focus as always. Not there and than, here and now.

I’d tried to catch up uphill, knowing its his recovery, but I’m the one left behind still, naturally, insider vs outsider on the trails.

Downhill he warned me to watch out so I was left behind too. Carefull steps I really keep focus.

In focus. Totally. Than a bang. No elevation, no ice, just a small little mofo rock, perhaps stone. Can’t recall, only the fact that in a sec I was down to earth AF. He looked back worried, but I knew I was fine, the fall girl lost her trailfalling virginity. Knees and one arms I felt. Quickly stood up and I was releaved. He kept saying he knew I wasn’t there, I was elsewhere, with my thoughts with my being silent. I wanted to ease him that I was fine and in fact I really was. With the fall came out the stone bugging me inside. 

We quickly got back into the well-known popular route. Still on the trail but familiar steps. Kept the silence but my tears started to drop, so intensely so cathartically. Tried to hide, but I also wanted to let it out.

Was one of the most intense run I had lately. Not trainingwise rather emotionally. Learning myself perhaps and accepting the environment and ones around me. Could not imagine to do this like half a year ago, in fact I never thought would or want to run with the trail boy again, nor would I talk, and in fact share some deep thoughts with him. Glad we made it through. And the tears will dry, perhaps I can do this with some others too to fall to release or something. 


Or at least I thought so. Being strong doesn’t necesarry means being strong. Sinus stole the show for week one of February, not that I wished to overdo run anyways. I would if I could physically but mentally or more precisely guilt-factor-wise too. I’m nowhere near ok but back for good and took my sinus for a run. Ok as being released from sickness, and ok as being overall ok, generally speaking which is worse than being sick. Sad intstead.

It was afternoon, kinda springish, kinda nice, no hat but I kept my gloves on, that’s something comforting, 2 fingers version, so to keep them happy together. At least they can be. I bought it from this well hidden trailrunning expertise store next to the Suzuki salon and next to my coffee brother’s workplace which is next to this paleo pastrystore where he always has to grab an afterlunch sweet, that I only know because sometimes we don’t only share coffee break but I pretend to eat lunch with him. I don’t really get the purpose of eating rather than for social aspects, I usually never get hungry at noon therefore lunchtime doesn’t really exists in my work-schedule nor my understanding facts of life list.

Me, my sinus and my gloves started the lap on Margaret Island the outside route where amateurs and wannabes run in order to avoid any surprise enctounters pushing me to push pace. The island when and where it seemed to be more lovebirds than runlovers that early evening. I began to get lost in my thoughts thinking how it might really is happening, spring knocked in and pushed winter aside as early as February I was wondering and getting excited, while passing a guy running in shorts and some extraweird looking volt colored nikes I decided to be a boxingshoe. He was loud at every step so kept hearing his rhythm for quite a while. But suddenly another noise of rhytmicality came into hearing distance and it wasn’t the man who just stepped in front of me to soon leave me and my sinus alone again. It was an elderly man instead hitting one of the trees along the track barehand. Heavily breathing, wearing black trousers with 80’s Jesolo market style leather jacket having his plastic bag casually thrown next to his leg. He stood in an offensive position and I didn’t have enough time to take a good eye whether it was a workout or he was that pissed. I kept running and soon found myself close behind the runner guy I thought would totally won over my speed just a minute ago. I eased down to his pace realizing how scared the boxing man made me and how it actually got dark in no second. Lovebirds kissed their last but most passionate ones, afterall it isn’t spring yet and gets dark by 5pm still. I was glad I was running in company, or at least behind a well-built man. But he soon seemed to slow and I needed to pass him. We kept running hearing his steps behind keeping me safe to be with my thoughts. He once again passed me, later I passed him back, l kept my pace even but he didn’t seem to do any speed work either, I guess I just bothered him for passing. I on the other hand was glad that he is around, lovebirds and other runners dissapeared and the darkness took over making me anxious more and more. I wasn’t looking at my watch on purpose I wanted this one to be a good-feel run, and indeed this guy’s pace seemed enough, just a bit out of comfortzone but still feeling happy to run. Turning onto the second round he was front of me and I started to get excited that he is also ‘joining me’ for the next lap. Gladfuy acknowledged that the tree-boxer a’ freestyle left however.

I eased back to my thoughts soon realizing that the guy front of me is gone, he didn’t speed up, he finished his training, bummer, he got tired in a lap, in a pace like that. Made me grin a brief one, half proudness and half feeling sorry for it. Solo lap in the dark was ok, I like running alone I guess with no expectations only for the pure joy. Though I miss my partner in running crime M in these times too, but it just feels good to be able to go silent mode for no specific reason. Taking a big breath of loneliness I guess. 

The day after I went again, this time with crew and with M but silence remained, was too early to open my mouth up, still making me uneasy on the fact that we totally lost something along the way, our union is all gone; but & and I took it as another big breath this time starting in the dark finishing in daylight, still before 7pm. 


With a week of MIA after. 

January battle

Bridge the gap family crews had their january usual, collecting miles and competing with each other, while I had my own january battle on my own terms with no crew and no rules. Battle mainly consisted my inner mind however I still managed to ran a decent 475 km along. Battle remain, and though I almost hit 500 if I didn’t mess up my body AF turning myself into a cold little worm but still having no fever to fight against the sickness running through my body.

2016 january. So far, I still believe this must be some awful year, especially to begin with. And I still believe 2015 was something extraordinary, my peak of running but otherwise turning 2016 to a nightmare. But it is still January. I managed to run in 30+ degrees the one day and -13 the other day. How January goes.

Battle with myself. A current wave seem to take too much time and too much of my energy. Running changed me because I wanted to change myself – 2015. 

But how it changed me and how I changed actually starting to realize in real life, some weird postponing of the body running too fast and the soul just starts to catch up with the happenings. I had streched to not only where my duvet ends but even further and consequences arise now.

Still, running makes me who I am. Talking to runners and non-runners about lifestyle and their opinion not that it isn’t biased, it is not them living in my body and with my mind. Some understand, some disagree some won’t even talk to me. Capabilities that have been opened up by the distance I’ve taken on my lunarlon soles took me to places both physically and mentally took charge without me actually noticing it’s true meaning. The essence, that taught me to accept different situations. It isn’t the medication that talks instead of me, I take no pills but as I do with everything in life I live through the sickness as well with the pain I need to get through with in order to get better. Every moment counts. 

And meanwhile I realized, i slowed down. Not on the everyday basis, but rather lost some of the right now right here effectiveness I used to be known for. The wanna get answers right away, no matter how unthoughtful or rushing it was. I was taught to calm down in January. In January where no decisions were easy nor quite happy ones. 

Joy came from running up that hill. Or falling huge hurting both my knees and right arm. But nothing serious, and the joy came from the cry I finally let it out after. Joy came from the heart and also from the soul I believe see the real feelings, and some hope. Joy to run even in extreme weather. Run was joy. Perception. 

Run was finally enjoying and I enjoyed. Enjoy. Even if my body tries to alarm by getting sick once again I cannot take it as a sign.

January battle turned February 1st to one suffering run in order to hit bed and feel bad. But somehow 12 hours of sleep on again made me calm and accept the fact that things take time, and sometimes it isn’t worth to rush. An off-running day not only helps recovering the body but brings up thoughts where one believes it comes from the wise side of its own thoughts.

In February I keep being acceptable with my own self, and I keep on running whenever and wherever I can.