Big fall

  
So far so good. And the rest. How you fall doesn’t matter, how you land does. 

La haine, 1995



With the (ultra)trail boy we went for a run. He doesn’t like being called an ultra, so I needed to get an alternative nick. He didn’t tell me this in person, nor the phrase from La Haine ending scene I knew from the past, from my b&w period of life, when I thought Controll by Anton Corbijn was epic. I still do think though. Learning from signs..

We went for a run. I can only participate and join on easy days. For him. Training hard for me. 

We went for a run, where my thoughts were so busy jumping around but keeping one subject in focus. Was glad to get out, to get fresh air, to perhaps lose thoughts I’m so occupied with. On the trail. Was glad to run with him, we have some rhytmical union, or he might makes it up who knows. Still, I usually enjoy the runs even if hard AF.

Trail, where you must focus on steps and terrain. Was chilly, even the trailboy was cold I kept smiling on that, icey underneath the fresh snow we broke with our footsteps, virgin snow we call it. Off the well known path naturally, we never go with the mainstream, we snobs, even when running. He fall, got worried for a moment, but he is wise and trained I reminded myself, I’m the rookie here I whispered. Small rocks, small stones, I could feel under my sole, little ice here and there, good to erase all matters in the mind and concentrate on not to fall. Wouldn’t mind though, like the falling itself for some reason, though the terrain might surprise me. Asphalt falling I expertised myself in last summer, and when I played professional basketball when there was still a slight chance I would grow taller I always fell theatrically on the court, something like a football player, but a lot better. Referees called me the fall girl, but they always worried after one of my oscar-worthy scenes just to realize, I once made a fool of them just for a free throw. Expert in falling.

I realized my thoughts were elsewhere, not on the focus I’d been constantly and madly overthinking of nor on the path I needed to carefully examine before every step. Trailboy said I wasn’t talkative so I tried my best to keep a conversation. This led to another realization, one I’m glad for. We can actually run together, and talk even if no talk much today…. I’m losing focus as always. Not there and than, here and now.

I’d tried to catch up uphill, knowing its his recovery, but I’m the one left behind still, naturally, insider vs outsider on the trails.

Downhill he warned me to watch out so I was left behind too. Carefull steps I really keep focus.

In focus. Totally. Than a bang. No elevation, no ice, just a small little mofo rock, perhaps stone. Can’t recall, only the fact that in a sec I was down to earth AF. He looked back worried, but I knew I was fine, the fall girl lost her trailfalling virginity. Knees and one arms I felt. Quickly stood up and I was releaved. He kept saying he knew I wasn’t there, I was elsewhere, with my thoughts with my being silent. I wanted to ease him that I was fine and in fact I really was. With the fall came out the stone bugging me inside. 

We quickly got back into the well-known popular route. Still on the trail but familiar steps. Kept the silence but my tears started to drop, so intensely so cathartically. Tried to hide, but I also wanted to let it out.

Was one of the most intense run I had lately. Not trainingwise rather emotionally. Learning myself perhaps and accepting the environment and ones around me. Could not imagine to do this like half a year ago, in fact I never thought would or want to run with the trail boy again, nor would I talk, and in fact share some deep thoughts with him. Glad we made it through. And the tears will dry, perhaps I can do this with some others too to fall to release or something. 

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