#sorrynotsorry

  
The world of hastags.

The world of smiles.

Is this real? That smile is real. The cried out eyes as well.

But in real you are sorry sometimes. Even for yourself. Somewhere over the rainbow if. But this time it’s no sorry, the self is just one part of the story. You feel sorry for all the loss, and it’s neither the emptyness nor the loneliness, the missing of the good o’ times kinda way, it’s the missing relatively easily put into someone. Special cause I’ve made it special. Long lost speed I’ve only dreamed of kinda way. Perhaps all a projection. 

Although I miss the year ago I also miss the lost opportunity, but missing is only part of the game. Feel. That’s the major all-in. And that is the reason why I still get up and still go. I feel. Robotic in most of the times, but occasionally I feel myself again. Running. After a year of questioning and answering the bad answers, believing is something so powerful I rather ran away from it during, now regret all -noregrets hastag is not my way. With my lost speed with my no power. Going low into valleys even caves of self-questioning, for what and how far? Love is love, cannot run away from it. Run is love. Anxiety overtook experimenting so easily could have been tracked by my cognitive science knowledge. But was paralized while running 400k-s and more per months. I fvcking feel, and that gives no s*it just makes me feel myself proud in a way. Overreacting oversensitively while doing what I gotta do, play hard order harder, give no-s and why-s professionally. Controlling is basically how I grew up, but I also stood next to anyone feeling questioning themselves. I’m a freek mainly, who knows me know I would move buildings for loved ones, they know me for my attitude and sensitivity my questioning of myself all the time. And my other side comes as harsh and hardworker, guess what, if you’re not my friend you see me hard as a rock. Also me. 

When it comes to running, I give both. I cry while I push hard, and I can’t push hard enough so I cry. It seems I control my strides, but I know better, I’m not hard enough on myself. When running. I’m hard on myself any other circumstances, so hard I usually can’t stand myself. Learning phrase comes with realization. Wish to swap the playingfields and accept myself but push hard while running. 

Limitations. Fancy a hastag of unlimited limits, or nolimits you name it. None of me. I know I have my boundaries.

Woke up like this. Yes, took me for a while, but really waking up never felt harder. I wish to be forgiven, for not having my self as my best friend and relied on someone I love. I can’t complain, got my role, and I play it. Not really. Get along with it, as forgivness is not something you can get with a gratis tabula rasa, but with remaining feelings. Got me? Not quite running related but comes in mind while running. 

I know it isn’t all my fault. But I also question this a lot. When crying when laughing and when controlling.

I’ve calmed down and understood some things in life. I’m still restless and myself, but perhaps more myself over a year ago me than the recent one, being an individual. I still cannot overcome the fact that I cannot turn back time, would probably also use it for a great and mad PR on a marathon, but seriously, love is something cannot be taken away from me, and while missing the kissing I also keep going somewhere I have no vision of yet, since I cannot even fast forward time. Fvcking amateur. Can I get a hastag for that?

Be mad at me. Be. Happy. Be. Believing. As I am too.

Hastag. Unlimited honesty. 

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