Well, again never say never. After a day and night of cry which was lead by an NRC event event when you must act calm, confident and loose all ego and Self a’la Freud, where one must simply cope with something never want to experience but once again it must had been seen and be there, like a Jodi Picoult book when it changes your life completely after reading it no matter how hard and so everyday life based the story is, like simple and terryfing AF, and kinda feel like it would never gonna happen to me, but than again it could just happen to everyone, and how seems easily she write about it and than you get to the end and it’s never a fairy tale nor a hollywood ending but something you would never guess and after you are just reborn, this is what happened on wednesday minus the reborn part. But still you want to share it with someone you believed to be the best even the one and only and you cannot and you just cry.
I’d also wrote about the Veteran on this blog previously. He is the guy been there done that kinda way, life hitting him a way he took hard and harsh but he was reborn by running just as me reading sister’s keeper by picoult quite some time ago (i can’t read her anymore since my child was born and it does a stronger evidence, the fear of reading, rather than her becoming popular lately).
I want to help the Veteran not loosing his confidence in his only thing he does and gives him confidence simply running. Running changed his life once, and he believes running makes him live gives him life. Nice I would say, and I completely agree with his statement. I live on the drug of running as well. Even doing progress runs lately, not killing myself but still progressing. Wow, done it. Nowhere near anyone’s pace, but still it is a progress to finish a progress run. Veteran lost confidence lately, he could not keep up with the best of us and the best of me. I didn’t even attend the pratice I was so anxious to participate on the first hand to rather run it alone. Alone, so I could still feel some success. Veteran had a bad day and could not keep up. I accidentally after finishing my workout saw them speeding. Was gonna jump into the bush to hide from them but they did not seem to notice. Some seconds later I saw the Veteran walking, and I knew something was up. With all my unrelated fear I ran up to him to question him. And he burst out in tears and a relatively bs explanation. Didn’t believe him that the problem was how non runners laughed at him for running. Must not be the real reason I’ve thought but didn’t say a word. Kept calling him to join me for runs, which lead to silent trail sessions, and to the Wednesday I and him probably would skip now. He was so low and possible self-sorrow I wanted to give a hug or a slap. His daughter and wife joined him, and I kept being a pacer myself instead of really keeping up with them. But soon things sped up and he passed out. After conforting his head for a while I told him I take care of the daughter. We set the whole entire NRC race on the benches w the daughter on my lap holding me so tight, me trying to entertain a little girl I’ve never met while she is in pain, and while we looked at runners in another pain running 400, 800, 1500 in their best.
All different kinda pain. The Veteran, the daughter, the runners on speed runs. PAIN. I wish there would be none, but in running pain is inevitable sometimes, and the beauty is in it. Cause this kinda pain gives a good vibe after. Pain that is worth for the progress. Pain, like giving birth. Extreme happiness comes after. I wish Veteran could focus on this too, rather than letting himself eaten by the monster of unhappiness. I also was in pain, cause I wanted to call a friend and explain and talk about it.
Like the next day that lead to my progress run. Morning coffee under the sun with my girl. After an hour of what seemed like a normal easy time, I ran to my car crying there are topics I cannot possibly relate, she is my best, but our morals I different. Not saying mine is any better though. And than came the pain onto my chest, because at this point I just called someone and I could talk my pain out. Instead this time I kept the pain to myself.
And this is how I ended up running a progressive tempo run the afternoon.
Meeting with coach for once again some easy 10-15 k, we ended up circling on track increasing our speed and decreasing pace by every km for 6k. That pain. For the last 1 k, and than the last lap, last 100m, and up until the finishline, that pain was real and phisycal, and I prefer that pain to soul-based ones. Because once it is finished I get happy and proud.
I need to build up a system not to shut down by the words like intervalls or speed work or fartleks. I need to realize, that I can beat anxiety by actually doing the feared workout rather than build up super hate against a practice even days before the actual workout. We found a solution for this on the short-run with coach, simply by not letting me know the practice plan before-hand, I’m facing the workto be done minutes before starting only. Also my coach is not my coach anymore. I explained him the pressure it gives me having a running plan which I need to follow by word and speed. i could not cope. Nor the Veteran I think but hopefully it will get better for him. So I quit following plans, but our friendship with coach stayed so we are now running buddies and this way I’m better with speed runs. So much for the braingames!
But phisycal pain like this lifts me up really. And I would totally accept running progress runs for a week if I could ease the pain for Vetaran’s soul, however I keep calling him and telling him I don’t feel sorry for him, but I feel his pain, which he must loose. Get on track and if you’re pain-addicted run some mile in progressive speed.