For the record

  
or for the spritz at finish

I wans’t really keen to run this race especially cause last year it went pretty unenjoyable. But in the other hand I really wanted to do this race for the sake of mind and the deal I’d made it with myself: running this one good will ease the anxiety to run Berlin awesome. Cause Berlin is already pretty messed up soulwise, turning all questioning on racing a marathon would totally make me loose mind.

So it was a deal, and there was Cs who decided to pace me along. I’m no good with running buddies along a race, always turn mad AF on the other when running together so I rather not. But I also had no power to say no to him and I also had this deal so gotta deal with it was my decision on this. Adding the msg from previous night that up until 91minutes spritz will be waiting on me at the finish, I felt I should be motivational, but really I was not. 

Morning went hectic, Jo picking me up from the trainstation we looked more like two wrecks rather than serious race ready racers. We arrived to the already buzzing scene of startline: me keeping sunglasses on so tightly to shade the cry in the eyes. This was still before Cs realized he left his bib at home making me cry even more, but running for the bushes because pre race pee is traditionally must be done in there, there was a quick blick and smile on the pro warming up. Envied his discipline to be so serious and calm really, but I just needed to pee. Lining up was quick as we lost quite a few minutes to get a new bib organized for Cs. Off we went. I totally lost sight and mind on everything just went with the flow and it worked and felt quite well. Heard a cheer sometimes, even from M as well, and kept striding. Uneventful until around 12. We had sight of the front as they already turned back but missed the leadimg group I guess we were way too slow. Monotony was cut by mind at 13, wtf am I doing here really. At this pace really?! We let the 1:30 official pacers leave us behind, I thought I care nothing about it further. Gave a smile to Szasza -pictured- and kept questioning my sanity and Berlin marathon as well. But wasn’t really thinking at the same time. After a while I realized just cannot feel sorry for the self anymore at 4:10 pace. Fvck it. Cs was awesome, talked only when needed, kept me striding always. Unconditionally he helped me and it was just somehow pretty compact. 

At 20 he told me we need a 4:10 still to make it for just under 1:30. I told him to let it go. 1:30:15 is just as fine with me. But something changed and switched and I knew the faster I run the faster I finish. Going under 4 min pace for the last 1km and a bit wasn’t hard at all, I still cannot believe I could finally do it. 

Finishline. Relief and a bit of happiness. Was already mad at the mind for getting into a totally unuseful fight inside of me fvcking up my race. 1:29:44.

We drank spritz after, some prosecco later that day after managing to go via bike and meet Tim just to keep drinking for another 24 hrs, and ending up fully drunk and happy a day later. Never really realized I’ve done a massive PB and something that felt so dreadful previously and not so hard to manage afterwards. Fvck me for not feeling proud. 

I’m not sure I’m ready for this marathon next weekend, but at least I made up my mind to go and run there. 

Thanks for Cs and thanks for the stranger for the powerful motivation. And for the crew and for the booze. And for the legs cause they never stopped even when the mind told them to. 

Doubt

  

Serious thinking, ongoing thinking in fact. 

Should I stay or should I go.

Third timer for Berlin and I’m not sure I actually want to go. First of all, there won’t be any groundbreaking gamechanger cathatric PB for sure in the end, which I knew and cared not really about, but I need excuses why I doubt my travel to Berlin for the third time anyways. The truth is, I fear of the unfamiliar which is funny since it really would be my 3rd on the row to actually do the same routine: getting off on Hauptbanhof feeling extremely emotional to look down from the top of the stairs, see the crowd, take a must take selfie, walk into the runnersonly zone, pick up my adidas warming trashbag, two if possible cause I’m seriously cold, drop off my transparent berlin marathon official bag, move to the start line, holding hands and soarkling eyes which was epic but a seemslike onetimeonly, pee in the bushes among another thousands of worried faces and than race. Feeling the cheering crowd in Kreuzberg, be happy on Kudamm as its around 30 already, get the confetti right into the face at 36 from the BTG cheerpoint for a wakeup call and a hashhash away of the wall, hating the last 2 km of empty streets, and finally see the Brandenburg Tor, still there is another 500m, and done. Still unfamiliar as this time it will be all different. My state of mind. For what other reason do I run rather to enjoy as a full package. I don’t strive for speed – yes I do, but accepted reality and my own boundaries – , I always hope for the best in terms of enjoyment factor, that sometimes come from running a PB yes, I admit, but mostly from rhe athmosphere and vibe; but I also know I would need a state of mind for that too, and most of all determination and whole loads of work. Training. I lack all. Mostly because for a goal I need good vibes, and that came from a strong in mind man among with a lot of others and pther things.

Behind all strong men there is a strong woman. None of us were strong enough to accept sentence one, we always thought a good slogan can sell a brand but it is only a slogan. Perhaps not. I was and most likely maybe still dreaming to be waited in the finishline feeling happy under the isocover, but now I just feel worry for an injury not mine. There is still a most possible scenario that there is still someone passing the finishline long before me, which I really cheer for, but that also means there will be no waiting on me. And although my worry is way more present than feeling sorry for myself about left at the finishline, I keep thinking not to even start. I wish I could heal wounds, first physical but also emotional. But I might not be ready to take my own mission to run this marathon for the third time to see the familiar go totally new as wounds could really easily and probably will be reopened for me.

Lots of thinking while running and off running too about this. I keep running I keep doubting I keep thinking. 18 more days to make up my mind.

The way

  
With Coach.

Running the streets how I like it. I keep running, I keep dreamin’ I keep my faith in everything that matters to me. 

Fall is here and nothing can stop it. Not like me, I stop and question mainly everything. How and why. I keep thinking for no possible reason, I sit and straight and I just look into the nothing. The only time I probably focus on what I actually do is when I run. I don’t even know what I focus on, probably the strides and fly, long distance running is something like life. Battles with the mind like real life problems, solving and getting over with it and keep running getting the strides and fly back in place. Sometimes I wish I could cope real life like ultra run. But than again, I only ran ultra as part of the team. And real life problems are all yours. Only. Deal with it.

Sometimes I wish for a casual phone call on any topic or even better a proposal for a casual chat at my place or other place. A dinner to be finally cooked together. Like a run together. Than I just have dinner and a run alone. That is pretty comforting too. Although I don’t usually dine alone. Nor dine. But I like to run alone, those fartleks and intervalls gave me a new meaning in that case. Laughing off speed as a phrase in my speed works. I run faster but not fast. I have wine with friends just to realize that I live on wine and people’s words. I try opening up to the few close but in fact I just look into the deep air front of me and i daydream, beacuse really I opened up only to one, and did it really mattered or made a difference?, yes it did, but does not anymore, deal with it, me need to deal with it. I like to get out of this and run, I could do it 24/7 I think. Nowadays it is pretty comforting. I still run with others and talk with other runners but I keep or try to keep most of the runs to myself. It’s been some time now that after dropping of the daughter at kindergarten I did not go for my usual route, it does feel weird though but life always goes on and on, to the point when it won’t anymore. But stopping this BS really. And shake shake shake it all up. 

Reminding myself with intervalls. And shake shake it up. 

My road to Berlin

  
Three weeks to go. That means, longest run in the training must be completed over the weekend.

I’ve ran Berlin twice already, heading to my third one.

Long runs were all different on the way, just as my Berlins. B is so special for me, M-s are major, both literally and experimentally.

Remember my first 30+ k was so nervous to do, will I actually make it, be able to survive? And if so, that really means I can actually run a M too? So many q-s and so little answers. We ran with Jo and co, and M I think came along for couple of laps. i remember he had his first ever marathon 3 weeks later, and he did long run alone. I could not believe his courage and discipline. I ran in group and it still felt hard. I at that time couldn’t be proud of him, I didn’t even know him, but looked up to no matter.

Last year I was really out of shape or so I thought, that time I had no q-s. I knew it would be a struggle, but I felt great to go to Berlin with M together. I did my long run alone, felt so slow I didn’t want to upset anyone nor expose my vulnerability to my best friend, he was doing great. I was finally legally proud once again on his courage and discipline. 

This year long run was never a question whether I run it with M. Must not. I had company, in fact I had several, finally turning one down, I felt ashamed running my long one with an elite. I’m out of shape, though I run a lot, I’m no fast nor enthusiastic anymore. Run just feels great, but pushing would be too much. Pain. And I have too much pain in me anyways. I ran with the Kiddo, he was great and supportive. It was a comfortzone run, nothing out of undoordinary. Painless. Monotone. Ok. I probably can run a distance of a marathon I know that now, at least. Won’t be fast, and probably nor fun. It will be totally different. And I never thought it would turn out to be like this. Berlin is special in all terms, but this year it will be just a run, more like a task to accomplish. A hard one.

Always was awaiting for end of september Berlin. Twice already for different reasons, first to run my first ever, second was all about crewlove and breaking barriers cause there was no way to break personal best. This year, it will be a trip, and I will run my 3rd marathon and although I cannot wait I really wish I could sleep it through. But that’s only a wish I wish for quite a time ago. Hotel room will make it for the purpose in Berlin at least. 

Berlin. How I love Berlin. How I wish it was all different this year. 

Runaway

  
It’s not all about running runaway. September 1st hastags and FB posts on lastdaysofsummer, firstdaysofschool, etc. As an adult what’s the difference? 

My first day od september I ran away to run far away. I did not run but was far away, and far from running. Wien for a day a one day holiDAY, just to hang out in cafe’s and bars. I predicted too much from this summer I guess, long awaited since winter, amd in reality it went by with no major wows only phuhhs. And so, when my daughter finally get back to kindeegarten after the summerbreak and autumn checked in with its melancholy or rather my own melancholy, I got into the car and arrived to a city with some difference to Budapest, but not too far to get back by late night. After some booze with a stranger a coffeebreak I cancelled and some yakult to get my stomach back in business. There is no stores to find yakult in Budapest, there is no product like yakult for me. 

Same as a one day vacation away from home to fill up. Even with no running and miles in the logbook.

I wish summer was better, and I have no expectation how fall will go either … But running stays with me to feed on, be fed up or be fueled on. That’s running.