Doubt

  

Serious thinking, ongoing thinking in fact. 

Should I stay or should I go.

Third timer for Berlin and I’m not sure I actually want to go. First of all, there won’t be any groundbreaking gamechanger cathatric PB for sure in the end, which I knew and cared not really about, but I need excuses why I doubt my travel to Berlin for the third time anyways. The truth is, I fear of the unfamiliar which is funny since it really would be my 3rd on the row to actually do the same routine: getting off on Hauptbanhof feeling extremely emotional to look down from the top of the stairs, see the crowd, take a must take selfie, walk into the runnersonly zone, pick up my adidas warming trashbag, two if possible cause I’m seriously cold, drop off my transparent berlin marathon official bag, move to the start line, holding hands and soarkling eyes which was epic but a seemslike onetimeonly, pee in the bushes among another thousands of worried faces and than race. Feeling the cheering crowd in Kreuzberg, be happy on Kudamm as its around 30 already, get the confetti right into the face at 36 from the BTG cheerpoint for a wakeup call and a hashhash away of the wall, hating the last 2 km of empty streets, and finally see the Brandenburg Tor, still there is another 500m, and done. Still unfamiliar as this time it will be all different. My state of mind. For what other reason do I run rather to enjoy as a full package. I don’t strive for speed – yes I do, but accepted reality and my own boundaries – , I always hope for the best in terms of enjoyment factor, that sometimes come from running a PB yes, I admit, but mostly from rhe athmosphere and vibe; but I also know I would need a state of mind for that too, and most of all determination and whole loads of work. Training. I lack all. Mostly because for a goal I need good vibes, and that came from a strong in mind man among with a lot of others and pther things.

Behind all strong men there is a strong woman. None of us were strong enough to accept sentence one, we always thought a good slogan can sell a brand but it is only a slogan. Perhaps not. I was and most likely maybe still dreaming to be waited in the finishline feeling happy under the isocover, but now I just feel worry for an injury not mine. There is still a most possible scenario that there is still someone passing the finishline long before me, which I really cheer for, but that also means there will be no waiting on me. And although my worry is way more present than feeling sorry for myself about left at the finishline, I keep thinking not to even start. I wish I could heal wounds, first physical but also emotional. But I might not be ready to take my own mission to run this marathon for the third time to see the familiar go totally new as wounds could really easily and probably will be reopened for me.

Lots of thinking while running and off running too about this. I keep running I keep doubting I keep thinking. 18 more days to make up my mind.

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