Better B

  
Miss my runs. My summer runs. My myruns. 

Since Budapest Marathon wintery autumn checked in among with nonstop working and some private life matters keeping me off running.

Here and there came along some social runs, fun ones though just to feel a bit alive at all live, smiles and all. And some fast ones, at least for me, feeling good, at least for me… The rest is kept in secret, my inner soul, my feelings my life. But again people rumor, like you gain a kilo after loosing 2 and people all have their thoughts on it. But than again five minutes fame that is all about.

So I miss my solo runs. Nothing special just the soul hitting some ground, any kind. That’s probably part of the growing up phrase, and once I will be an adult I will know more. Be wise and all. But now, I just miss my solo runs.

Prefer calmness even when pulse hits peak and even though I’ve been feeling calm otherwise which is kinda cool compare to the circumstances. 

I’ve always thought I’m kinda unique, easy way to explain my weirdness with capital letter, ladylike. Not taking me weird or unique or unordinary just makes me close some doors, wonder when comes the icequeen phrase. Sometimes wish to be ordinary, no red haired among the ocean of browns, though there is nothing to do with haircolor since I’m blond anyways.

So, preferably I just keep running alone and doing my own routes in general. Afterall everyone is ordinary being unordinary anyways.

Except of course some who just runs a 2:44 in Frankfurt and wow I feel so happy for her. Remember how we started somehow the same but she just became a pro in no time. Well, two years really, comparing my twenty-something cut through 11 marathons she seriously improved and became major motivator for anyone wishing for the same. Looking up to her focus I prefer to be unordinary like her rather than weirdo as me with no digits so impressive next to my name. But that’s not what I strive for. Acceptance I wish and look for and if not found I probably must move on. In that case I don’t really shake things up at least for the other(s), and as for myself I can keep my own pace my own way. My own calmness. Narcistic or not. 

Autumn day by day

  
Never thought I’d actually miss tempo runs, but for a week of on and off running I feel like getting out finally on my own to speed up a bit. My own in capital letters.

I really liked the august way of working out. Alone, weightless and with a bit of willpower. ‘S been a week and a half already post my last marathon race and post-marathon-depression is long gone. Plans are in sight but not confirmed I kinda run when time permits and pretty spontaneously. Not a time these days to schedule anything, hectic and not enough a 24 hours day. Still, it feels good just to finally sit down somewhere and just do not do anything, that is when I do and feel the most. Off running. Always to consider though. 

Feeling tired. Cadence on the go, but as soon as stopping for a brief second melancolic tiredness arise and still guessing when all these sleppyness will be long gone. If ever. 

It is a constant battle in mind to sleep half an hour more or get on the road in dark and cold. Love the running though, miss even more, but a good sleep sometimes I love too, perhaps because of missing on it lately. Crew runs are less and less, still on a weekly basis but phonecalls fortunately still on with the individuals as usual. Pleasent to share something common while being friends too. But than again when it comes to opinion exchange sometimes it just pops out how we differ in normal life. How we would never ever talked if there was no running in our lives. Even with some we could actually share so many common things other than running. But there are pleasent surprises too. Runners to turn out ok as well. Or friends dissappeared just reappear. Tim too. Although she only drinks cherry juice instead of wine. 

Gotta be back on track gotta be back on the neverending road. I miss my solo runs. But first gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Work, move, run. And keep going…

Budafvckingpest

  

  
Undoordinary nevernotdoingit.

There was still a slight chance to turn the whole thing down I seriously didn’t feel like running a marathon, distance-wise. To fail at the doctors. But even with my sinusitis still not only visible and hearable but otherwise unbearable I passed the check-up and was ready to go to Nationals. 

I sorta had other plans. My-way kinda plans rather described as dreams. Running a good half than cheer on, trying to catch the front jumping onto a bike and finally see some fast. Or just enjoy that it is only a half, easing on the fact that I still was there done that and ain’t got no tired AF. Either way running another marathon basically just freaked me out.

Part of a team especially on a race gives such and anxiety, it is a must to finish even better to finish good for the others. Well, to finish at least that was my biggest fear. Two weeks post Berlin, two and a half weeks into sicking my days and runs away. 

Lining up to startline I felt so strange and pretty much of an outsider. Tried and got some vibes of the marathon-anxiety a day prior at the expo – a bit smaller, a bit more unfunctional than other expos, but at least more familiar and felt like a family reunion sorta. Pasta-party, carbo intake – done by my daughter, she socialized and laughed and had fun while I tried my best to get some marathon spirit. But pretending to be a stranger probably worked not, my town I guess.
I wasn’t sure how it would go, but seriously wanted to finish. Not that had ever quit a race but I guess mind works like that, only to fear and question the required movements. No time prediction in my thoughts, was definitely busy thinking and fearing about unable to finish.

Startline I felt as an outsider. We had quite the space as we lined up front of thousands entering through a shortcut, I still got no vibe. Only serious faces keeping their pro warmed up body in shape – the ones knew they are running nationals. Small, really small I’d felt among the big and experienced ones. Seriously what was I thinking. In my previous pro life I was never in front row in purpose, although was used to run from the front. That had not changed. Moving to the back of our designated area, I must not run along with these fine ones, must keep tempo and don’t go crazy at the beginning. Afterall, I go for the finish, not another PB or die. Die another time.

The course is ok, I know my city, u-turns are a significant chatacteristic of the Budapest Maraton, I knew it isn’t the fastest one, especially after Berlin I kinda should feel easy and take it as a celebratory run. This was  a mantra I took for granted and go for the high-fives – this is how passing the startline made me think. After about 2K there is a turning where and when if fast enough still be able to see the front pack and it was something I keenly awaited for, though I hated that it comes so early and it will leave me to run another 40km before finishing. Smile at serious pace/k happened than I highfives with my usual crew M et al, I also stopped to hug my daughter, though I thought previously I would stop then and there, I felt power to keep on going. In fact, I was pretty much running in pace fast again. It felt good. In fact it felt great. Already thinking ahead I’d tried to slow down, was not willing to hit the wall, but I knew at one point it would come anyways amd I just couldn’t go slower. Sun was shining and heard my name quite a lot, although I had no idea who they were I’ve always smiled, hope it showed. At 12 Cse joined me and he got pretty pissed on my pace, we laughed it off and kept on the talk. At 4:10 I could still chat, asked about the front, exactly at the time I had site of them a bit far away, wanted to cheer/scream but wouldn’t be heard anyways. Our half marathon mark was a PB, funny to kinda feel how different it is to run sorta happy – parallel life cadence so strange but in the other hand so ok that makes me worry on – Gabesz came along, the relay team  originally signed in for I remembered all of a sudden. Running along the river we kept talking/striding in groups always followers behind us, making me having the wtf face and state of mind. Big men lined up behind my small body, why-o-why.

At 29 or 32 or something around that hit the headwind thanks a loads I finally had the mindgame coming along. But I knew I would make it til the end even with the fvckoff face. Coaches of my previous life tried to shake me up but I started to just got into cadence by going decadence and don’t give a fvck on pushing limits. 

At 40 my sis cheered on me on the bike but the road turned so shitty I rather wanted to go alone. Seriously, felt like trail in road racer kicks just got me out of rhythm and I just wanted to get over with it f i n a l l y.     Still, it was around 41 when I had the most serious wtf face to a guy screaming awesome girl you will make it under 3:10. I knew I would thank you very much. Seeing the Pro already cooling down coming and cheering from the other way I tried to smile but what came out of my mouth did not give justice. 

I actually felt good during this race not that it showed. Final 100 meters was a releif, perhaps I didn’t feel that good afterall.

And yes, team won. And I even PB-d 15 sec to my 2 weeks ago Berlin M. And after like hundred years I’m a champ again yiha. True style2run style on the podium, taking it serious, like everything everytime. #deehogyis

LifeĀ 

  
Plan a race post marathon was a must, I know already. Not that being an experienced marathoner but experienced somewhat in my own life. Doesn’t lead to avoid the same and do something completely different in order to change miseries of life. BUT! 

Actually opening up to -t.r.y.i.n.g. – some new makes me smile lately – noteventryingbutcomeshonestly.

BUT! I knew I needed a new goal right after the marathon, not to settle into the usual 2-days-of post M depression, so with Gabesz we’d already signed up to Budapest Marathon 4 person relay shortly before Berlin just to avoid, as follows:

Runner 1: me

Runner 2: me

Runner 3: Gabesz

Runner 4: Gabesz

That means we most likely get 4 ugly designer and tipoed finisher shirts – it turned out pretty ok, even if volt color, almost meeting some intl design standars, well, a l m o s t.

If finishing we would also get 4 medals, how cool is that. We can also have the chance to cover our race shirts’ every milimeter with bibs if we wished. Ok, the main reason was to half the marathon but there was no option for that. 

After Berlin I finally thought to rest and enjoy the two weeks of not-even-doing-anything-i’m a berlin marathoner kinda way. All for the plans.

Got sick before Berlin, like the once a year in Berlin sickness I get every freaking year since running Berlin anyways. So, a bit of running nose – bigtime! – a bit of coughing – like vomiting my whole inside of me out pretty loudly – a tiny bit of fever – though I never really have fever -and a post marathon sinusitis. Leaving me sick AF for minimum of 2 weeks. Funfunfun, because I was shooting. Both work as behind the camera and fun as being front, featured, soon to be released. So work did not stop, in fact I probably had the hardest two weeks of the year, but that will definitely change as next week will be even busier. Home became a different word as well, my world suddenly made a 180 degree turn, which is good and bad at the same time. Bed became cold but hot too. Metaphores honey, such as life.

That is so far not to have any post marathon down tempo post marathon. Still I was glad to know to run the half in two weeks of time. Budapest Marathon I’ve never ever raced. Once –  I promised to myself to run the whole finally. But was so glad I would only have to run half.

Little I knew I would get a phonecall just a week prior to race, the day it seemed everyone decided to participate on it. Simply put I was asked to run the marathon. But as part of the team racing for the national champion title. Immediately said yes even though I just two weeks ago sweared to any God I wish to believe in not to ever go pro for any team any club. I also sweared and was glad not to run any more marathons, at least for the rest of the year. So much for my reliability. I guess I can’t say no when it comes to racing. 

So between meetings and shootings and family affairs and none sleeping nights and being super super sick I had to manage to visit a doctor get myself checked and paper stamped to be able to enter the big guns aisle and run nationals. After like 17 years, back to the frontrow.

And than came the weekend of the race… With no intention nor will to run 42 fvcking kilometres and some more. But the weekend was about to begin…

Hygge

  
‘ve not really revisited Berlin in terms of writing it all out. What it meant how it went. Not because I’ve not been thinking constantly about the race and the whole trip in general, but because seems like writing something out what comes from the subconsious even it is something for the own self only, even if writing it out helps the understanding, but that is another story and nonetheless unrelated to running. But Berlin was part of the running self and evaulation in style2run-style just wants to pop out. Writing it out. I guess that is also me. 

I knew I was strong so fvcking strong in mind and body I never really knew why. I was probably calm and concentrated no matter how tiny but of pre-race anxiety I’d gotten, how little I really cared to run it. I knew I will decide in the morning, whether I’m ready or not. I knew I will decide to just not give a fvck and go for it. For what? Little I knew. Late night message received early morning I keep calm, crew members we must had meet with Jo turn up late I keep calm, not even turning late, not showing up instead keep calling and raising stresslevel of their own by each and every phonediscussion I keep calm, finally meet up just to spread out to be individuals to drop off our bags I keep calm, I’m still cold AF I keep calm, I pee in the bushes once and twice, that really finally keeps me calm, lining up to start 2 min prior to the actual start-time I kinda feel the vibe. Of others. I say my old time mantras I look around it’s starttime. Gotta pee. I keep calm by saying myself it’s all the usual, will be gone in a sec. At 2k I tell myself to proceed to the closest greenery, still calm, I know I loose quite time but I keep calm. Releif. That’s better and I start speeding. Feels good. Don’t care about the fact that I realized in the bushes I left my Bloks in the drop off bag, I have nothing to fuel on. Will be interesting to run on nada but water. It’s Berlin calling and I keep an eye on all bands and cheers. 

Fastforward to 23k. 

Seriously fastforward with the higlights of having the Veteran to scream to see me twice, saying it is a bit hard to catch me with this speed, I must admit seriously felt like flying really, Gabesz biking on my side to give me virtual hugs to push me even more. Julie and the girls turning my hearbeat go even higher throwing the confetti and screaming my name at me that cheerzone was something of an undescribable menace of hygge and awesomeness, all about internatinal runships of bridge the gapping. The most touching moment of realization that I’m so thankful for running even with all the bs along the side which is also another topic more personal but still running related, probably kept for my brain rather than writing it out… Back to the other topic, not.

23k when some breeze came, described by others but a harsh wind for me, I suddenly miss my bloks my energy my willpower, I keep telling myself to get over it soon, than back to fly mode. At 30 I really consider to just close my eyes and have a nap, so I finally proceed to drinking but dare not to try gels I don’t want jeopardize my run by another visit to the bushes which are gone, we are in Mitte already. 36k marka another cheerzone, quiet compare to the other and as I’s learnes later, police shut it all down for security reasons, so I miss those confettis there a bit. I keep some spirit to see the cheering crowd in general around, only a couple more strides to go. Too many little streets and turnings I knew this too well to finally see the Brandenburg gate, and as I pass under I finally see the finish. The speaker just says Bekele’s winning time exactly an hour five minutes between us and this makes me smile like really smile. Now I am calm. Calm with a PB.

I get an apple and look for a coke but only tea and alkoholfrei beer around, I slowly change to the goodluck pants and check my phone to find some heartwarming texts. On the way out we meet with M and later with Jo accidentaly and we just lay down under the sun and enjoy our medal. 

Berlin you never dissapoint, nor my legs I’m so thankful for. For the brain though, I must work on it.