December is my movember

  

Cannot wait ’til tommorrow to begin to claim my #rightstomovement.

Living in some wonderland lately, feeling sorry not feeling sorry, but really sorrynotsorry. 

But enough is enough with the bullshit and I own my own run finally. December is my movember, life goes on with some hopes to recover the good and finally finish with 2016.

Smiling weirdly, cinic ironically, feeling confident. Finally. I see some desperate tries around me but I laugh it off, I see some confused emotions but I smile and hug and also I let it go. Smart I feel or at least wise. But finally I wanna run. This time and all time: my own pace my own strides. Because in the other hand you never run alone.

Photo from popular fb nametest bugger spam dingy I admit to try sometimes but never share even if perfectly reliable and perfectly analysing, though this one is kinda true I think, and perhaps well on point.

I think I must had gone totally crazy / survived annual winter/holiday depression / so ready to run after taking MIA. But can be all of the above and I’m so greatful for this anyways! Yiha for December!

B

  
B, it’s me.

B me.

B you.

Since it’s still november I spent exactly 30 minutes to find excuses for not going for a run in the changing room of the Nike store. Had not tried any running related garments on but instead a so called winter-coat which in fact price-wise should have been one though it was more like a hoodie. But B me style me I can go with the cold stylewise. Loyalty B me. But I’m cold, that is my excuse for not running that is my B style.

Put it back on the hanger and gave it to the helpful man assisting my never-so-sure-i-need it B me. He saw and probably understood my hesitance and said he will keep it under the counter ’til I make up my mind. So, B me style it also means I know how my night dreaming will go on from now. Just as my day dreaming. Hate being a customer-style B but I just love that tech fleece. 

But this is just the surface of B me. 

Hesitance, quite me inside and out however, nowadays consisting mainly of go or not go for a run. Ridicously superxtensively unsure, in fact so sure than less sure than guilt factor comes in and I still cannot go. For a run. Too cold. Too lazy. Too busy. Too lazy. Too too lazy…

Even this post is an excuse and not on point actually. Somehow I feel so calm and otherwise I’m just restless AF, as usual. Work gives the pleasure of no time and constant rescheduling but with no runtime tucked in, somehow it is just less important and although it is a constant battle with the mind, I son’t mind the skipped miles overall. Though I neither mind if I finally make it to go for the strides. Extremely unprofessional to do a weekdays week completely off than run the weekend days, both in fact running a half marathon uphill and on trail just because I wanna go and want the miles logged. Even the wind bothers me less. Be me style. Flattering though to be able to run 13 plus miles on the fly with short or  no notice to the body. 

Probably if the temperature would rise I would be more keen to but and feel more guilty for not running. However nowadays, when finally workhecticness is off I go for the bedlinens & make-me-feel-ok blankets and some hbo series for the sake of nowspecial warmness&calmness. B effect kinda:).

Routine vs the moment

  
Measure the happy to the regular. Whiners caught in the low like me should stop and recognize the moment. The non-whining ones. In order to… 

That’s what whiners have no idea about: in order to what. Caught in the moment of pureness of being. Simple as that. Leading to measuring the happy to the regular. 

Don’t whine on routines and go against the tidal waves. 

I go against the tidal waves and I’m proud of it. That does not make me a whiner though but sorta. Cause if I rather stop and recognize that than and there is/was the moment that made the moment/minute/hour/day even than probably the whining could decrease. Or increase when the moment is gone. Which probably is the case when not realizing the moment as well. This leads to nowhere. 

But moments can. And running can lead to moments. Should I just finally get my ass off the officechair and just go for a run. #winterthoughts of a whiner.

Week been hectic, or only an excuse not to run. How awesome september-october-and part of november felt, weekend race lead to tiredness or only an excuse to feel tired. Although I run usually to beat tiredness. Now I munch on oreo and excuses and just skip the runs. Even the low heartrate fun-type ones and also the tempos too. #coldweatherthougts.

And that is when I realize that even the sunny moments of running weren’t recognized properly in order to give the power and wellbeing to get-the-duck-out to run because it makes the cold become sunny. Such a whiner.

Pardon my french, this week is being a mess and heck, so I call it a rest-week.

Next week will be different. At least I’ve had realized -even as a whiner – to move. 

Essential thoughts of me now over and out.

I will be too. Over of selfdestructive blabla whining and out to run. Salute and welcome my own willpower I’ll strive to own back. 

December here I come AF!

On fuel

  
On fuel only. 

Since nevernotracing mantra is still on from last year. No more big M-s for the year I promised after Berlin and already gave up on the plan two weeks later, but then again I keep promises even when a little configuration. So. Only a half this time. I’m pretty ready not ready, already back to the uneasyness I ran so many race previously but guess what, want not. The uneasiness basically, racing is fine with me, no pro league so it goes more for the vibe only. 

However, this time I go with no prep at all, only on fuel. 3 weeks of mass junking on anything edible for human but not on the healthy overlooking kinda way. You are what you eat. On this case I’m a giant chocolate cookie with some strange bluecheese in the mix and a grand amount of wine and prosecco. For the hydrating part. There I go for Garda Trentino Half. 

And in fact I was gonna could not wait to get there. But as usual life just gives lemon in no time.

Still, not racing is not an option, so there I went and ran.

Ran a PB a two min cut actually, wow, I would jump outta joy if it happened with a crewmate. That’ something. 87min. I wish I could.

And so, I ran a 87 min, a time that was not long ago so out of league for me, even sub90 was so unbelievable far, I could only dream of. Then I ran a sub 90 thanks to Cse alone I thought, than ran a 1:28:59 unofficial during the Budapest Marathon, but everyone said it probably wasn’t the exact length. And in Garda I ran 87:20. Who are you kidding me? I had no wall, no downtime in fact my pace was so consistent I could not really believe myself seeing the strava stats. Was freezing cold, there were some elevation, a big turn, some more ducking wind, and cobblestones, second worst enemy in regard of running. 

Really was not ready to do this. In fact I was such a whiner. I had to sneak out from the Pro to smoke one full cigarette pre start. I was seriously feeling bad smoking at all on the trip basically, but nerves just got me to the point to lighting the stinky stick even though it just made it even harder to have a decent conversation or perhaps have a feeling of being on holiday finally. Smoke helped nada of course, but coach words blinked on my phone: run and everything will be ok.

That is how we lined up. I went for the last lane of the first group. Hungarians on the front, pros and the Pro. Really wished him all the best, maybe coach words would work on him as well.

All I decided pre race is that when they all long finish and doing their cooldown running against the course to cheer on me I try to smile. That kept inside of me as a mantra. 

First 2k if 800 people did not paced me down and passed me than none and I kinda felt to be the last runner before the death bus actually. Checked my watch and I actually was moving under 4min pace around 3:55-ish. I blamed it on suunto, but kinda eased the pace a bit just to realize it feels good to run this tempo. If I die I die I said, willing to finally have a race where I give in all. 

Long live the queen, thought I. Ran, met the Pro, tried my best to smile, but I actually smiled, though my face probably was totally frozen by the cold weather. Not long to go, gogogo they shouted and I could not in real but probably be able to kill him in a spoon of water because there was still more than 1500m.

1:27:20

Fvckyeah. 

But in the other hand somehow as great as it feels it is accomplishable somehow, even with an enjoyable race, beautiful view, heartwarming feelings and coach was right, it turned out better after. But again, I was ok and I enjoyed rather than died. So I kinda hated myself just to realoze I’m a whiner again. So I congratulated myself. But real calmness would came if I did not start to have the feeling as to mess up someone’s race by bitching around for two days prior.

Because what I’ve learned lately is that no matter how hard you train – or me as it is my experience only – if there is someone who believes in you or at least happy for you it gives such power and wings that even fueling on wine and oreos mixed with guacamole topping with some blue cheese can stride onself to a massive personal best. 2016 been one sucking year AF, but turning to be successful nonetheless and I guess that something we amateurs willing to succeed and constantly trying to challenge ourselves should definitely learn from the pros. Cheer and believe in others it is not only us who can run pb or just runa good one. Discipline is a must I usually miss out on prepping for a race, and I hate that, but never thought, confidence is equally important part of the game. And I got confidence in this race big time. And for that I’m so grateful for. That is something different to fuel on, but for me it’s probably one of the best intake I could get. And from now on, my job I take happily is to give the same back and stopping with the bitching. 

Plans

   
Caring is sharing. Share the care, care to share.

Weird to realize how individualism in regard of turns to be a total failure lately. Just gone for a run and I’m not really able to do it on my own. Perhaps Don’t want to, it’s the starting point, you keep the motivator factor by setting up crewruns so cancelling makes the guilt rise better not postpone or change the mind by not going. The wind makes me do it argh to find the easy excuse, I wouldn’t dare going out on my own willpower; fvck the wind and give up my run kinda way, so setting up a rundate or set the alarm for an early run as two somehow tricks the mind and just run it somehow. It does feel good to run afterall, in fact sometimes it’s just feels great, even when 7 in the morning cold and cold and cold out there but we, I push the tempo and I can’t talk I can’t breathe I’m not even there but in fact I’m there and I love to be there and I suffer and I feel the joy like some great reward awaits on me at finish line, like the roadtosomewhere, where the actual road has the most meaning of all, and all it counts. 

But than, I just get a push it is called sunshine and windsafe view and just go. In fact the sun shines – sometimes, the wind is heavy – always, and so I make it a quick one I promise myself by actually shaking it up with a 5x1k tempo 3:55 with the help od wind and 4:05 in headwind. 3 I do with the help of the wind and this kinda makes me feel enormously powerful -not. So I finally did it on my own again. 

And than I skip the next day. I instead do some plank for 3 min and actually build a sofa from pieces. Yiha for the powerwoman out there I go for the first sign of sweat but I just do it. With no medal at finish though. Life is such. And meanwhile I cannot wait for my next challenge, and I’m glad it is a race again. Not a full M, and I’m glad I go for the half this time. And I cannot wait to actually be there and sweat there and with a big hope in soul and sole to smile smile smile. Garda here we come.