Dreaming on

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Last night after an awesome – not so – fast session of 13km of progress run I never planned just happened I sat outside on the terrace overlooking the from far away seem calm and beautiful city, in my Isabel Marant cosy cardigan, something like an outside hygge with just the perfect breeze of feel of spring. I’ve got the power I felt, not in my legs though they were happily tired. But my brain got into volumes and was excited to go and run again in the morning, tempreature on the nice side finally, it was a will in me to get over with the sleep quick and go. 

Sleep started as no sleep, my tiredness made me sleepless, read than switched off the lights and on again to read some more. It is an interesting book by the way on nowdays spy-ing, shooting the feature of it as my daily work, still, in the night stillness I prefer no work, just cosiness. Read some more, than finally fell asleep with dreaming of my run in the morning.

Which came earlier than I could cope, with a workrelated email to be realized I won’t have much more spare time to marathon train in my near future anyways, won another movie to shoot starting almost inmediately. Thought of my team and how tired we already were, seriously worn out of 18hrs workshift for seven days going on for almost 3 months. How will we cope and how will I get my training done for ’45’, which obviously is my only will, and my own body my own decision, my own belief. Recharge I felt last night, but the morning felt like there was no electricity going into charger at all.

BUT! Since I purposefully left my work attire at the office on that precious thought that I would start the day with running anyways I had no choice – how to lie to your own self front of your garderobe not having anything other to put on than your running gear – but start the day with running. The weather sucked, like yesterday’s spring just turned into fall again, sleeping through summer overnight, but my body alarmed this could not be the truth I was still tired AF. Tried with another lie to getthe day going by highfiving myself to win another major movie to post produce, but in fact I could not care less. Carrier, such an absurd – really like to succeed but along the way it’s all stress and sleep deprivation. Adding to this a massive dehydration which I only suspect though I’m not even thirsty. 

This is how thursday started. Heartached, tired and as a success business woman in her leotard and all-nike swoosh. Feeling cheated by our customised training and motivational program I decided to do some speed work. That worked well with the warm-up getting the pace down to 5:20 to 4:55, but as soon as hit the watch to lap my first interval I knew i shouldn’t. 3 steps in sub 4 min speed and I gave up.

Like I gave up on be hard on myself. I decided to finally appreciate what others say about me though I still don’t believe them, but kinda understand the difference now between boring women and me Bori. Selfish, I still think what other calls healthy selfesteem. Celavie.

I go for a yoga today instead of finishing my morning run, because I stopped half way, and said goodbye to an old crewmate from pro-life. And that is all ok too.

Because afterall, everything is OK, just one gotta cope with the ok-ness.

Miss my bro sometimes, but that is only little part of the picture. Otherwise I dream while I miss running hard and unconditionally, feeling the vibe and the muscles sore afterwards. I miss spring and I miss having only one layer and the sun touching my legs and bare arms finally. Missing racing, and I actually can’t wait to finally do strong on the next big M. For my own will for my own pace to improve. Same same but different. 

And what I don’t dream on, but really bothers is that I should really put some professionality into my workout regime, it seems ad-hoc. Like to be my own coach but since my brain and heart is elsewhere I don’t seem to work it out myself…

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