Sunday long

one more for the useless runs in marathon training

Trading LA Marathon for a sunday long in the superwind but hometown.

So, as said before I go and run, have a plan in mind usually but life interrupts. Usually. Two weeks to half, three weeks to another half and a month until my first M of the year makes me nervous, and I kinda have the plan – how I should be preparing for it. Not in shape, winter I moved all runs to junk, it was really about how to survive my constant coldness but worked well as train on my willpower and out of comfortzone situations. When I made myself to go, because usually I skipped running. That resulted barely noticeable miles in the logbook and really noticable kilos on my body, all awaited on me for the spring. 

Spring that starts tommorrow.

However I’ve been running for a couple of weeks now. Squeezed in some speed work too, not enough though. Long runs I wish I did more, and better too. Seriously not satisfied.

Sunday long again happened as a disaster. Thursday I was so happy to finally run with the fasty and drunk, but it turned out he gets exhausted at 5:20 pace nowadays. Wasn’t the best experience, I planned a fast fun run. It was fun and finally we talked and talked and talked for an hour after, but running gave no justice, totally I was out of comfortzone but not because the power of the run, but the thought of not actually training for my goal I’m still up to with really no reality in it. But I still believe I can do it. So, after Thursday I keenly awaited on Sunday long with the bros, though they wanted to run less than me, but at least I believed pace could be decent.

Started as usual, the three of us against the uphill and the massive wind, praying for the red light by the pastry shop to get some air and rest a minute before the 15min elevation. We than supposed to meet the crew, plan was to go a loop with them, about 10k, run back, and if I can still go on I would run some more on the island, 20 if no island run but would loved to runa 25-ish. Plans are there to be changed. Cse was worried on the rain on the terrain from last night, so we went all some more uphill on the asphalt. Was glad, I had my epic-s on, not the best for trail. All of a sudden the photographer trailman showed up, I knew he would come because we had some serious talk the day before about using my image on some cityposters without my permission, was pretty pissed and I think he knew and wanted to make up for it. He came and suggested some alternative route. I knew it will be massive he always likes seriously challenging tracks even in the Budai Hills, but we thought he realized we were with kvazibarki crew so taking it easier. Not. Sunday long quickly turned into a hiking experience, Cse and me seriously going crazy on fvcking up our training. Would of been a great fun and such beautiful view, but my state of mind is somewhere else nowadays, and I just don’t want to go into characters anymore to make others feel happy and confident. Watch showed 26k by the end, but seriously I ran only about 15, the rest was cursing and mud challenging hiking.

I need my run and my self put into action. I cannot go and just run and I cannot act to please others by totally minimizing my own wills anymore. I’m giving up on being the listener and understanding. It’s my turn now, otherwise I will seriously regret my upcoming races. Which still can happen anyways, but not giving a chance will totally ruin any experience whatsoever.

There are some plans in my upcoming runs, but I rather keep it  to myself and run it myself. Socializing can come later. I’m in no talk mood anyways. 

I will after go and run the single tracks with the crazy guy, and enjoy the beauty of the nature and the calmness. But first, I rather do what I feel like doing. 

The road…

The race itself is the celebration the road to it that matters. Words heard so so many times, but the road such a bumpy one. And all that it counts. Live and let die. But first run. 

Running that road. And the clock is ticking. I get over with the run of the day, perhaps two if time permits, zero control on what and how I run whatsoever, but does it really matter. The road is the important part, the rest is to celebrate. Life-wise. I turn to inner self, turn to some specialty I own, my soul. My soul that opened up to the clean to the unexperienced to the new. To believe I can do it. Race-wise.

Life-wise got the extrakick the new way the ‘believe in myself cause I believe yoself’ that got me to actually kick my own ass run-wise. It was something I than and there realized, appreciated my own way and was totally shocked in a positive way. It works. It worked.

I never feel alone, though I lot of times feel alone.

So many marathons and halfs, running the same circles though every road to seems different. Is it really?

I look in the mirror, and suddenly it hits, the realization, I look myself depending on the mood. And my mood comes from life as the moment, how I feel inside, how I behave with my body and soul. Happy I see my image skinnier and more presentable, I wear my jeans and running thights more comfortable, it suddenly fits. I get the confidence, because I’m believed by. I can wear my jeans the one I chose to wear, I feel ok, and don’t have to change 5 times before I finally start to cry menacly about how bad I look. The mirror is something of a reaction from the inside. Wow, 37 years of wise-ness arose. R e a l i z a t i o n.

Translating it to run-wise, the road should be comfortable in this terms as well, like confindent, still hard to survive the track attacks but still realize its beauty towards the road. Is that even possible in running terms? To actually finish up a shitty session dead and tired, like looking into the mirror to see myself ugly run-wise slow, but than again thinking the next day the next looking into the mirror will be better next run will be awesome?! Will it be?

Gotta stand up. Look away. And do the work, while enjoying it. 

Probably nothing new with these words, just writing it out loud.

Let’s talk about run baby


Let’s talk about you and me.

It’s been a long road. It’s life.

Must confess. I’m not ok. I started running to somehow get through then-current things. Like none sleeps overnight because I had a little one at a time having several waking ups through the night, was the baby age at first when she needed to be fed every 3-4 hrs, than her tooth started coming than she was in the age to wake up, etc. It helped me go through the day by sneaking out for half an hour. It was good to feel the air and the universe. I started running to be out in the field from being constantly on the field of always being responsible and alert. 

I’ve been lying. Running became a norm, a lifestyle for me. I’ve been lying, because sooner than later running gave me such powers in terms of self-confidence but at the same time it took it all. And running took my life over. There was running and there is running and the rest called life.

I have to admit. Running gives me something so unique I sticked with it. And it took my life at the same time. I’ve became a RUNNER, and I wanted to become a runner. I’ve been lying. Because I’d gotten addicted. In a bad way. I took run so seriously while taking it casual. I started to be attached to people who run, who gets high from running as well. Just like me.

Took it for granted. My friends became runners, my life all of a sudden changed its focus to run and the rest. Don’t get me wrong, I still had my other characters as being a mom, a hard worker and femme fatale. But all these got a prefix: running mom, a runner producer, getting calls on filmpitches but their first q was always : i hope I don’t bother, are you not running; can we talk business? 

It flattered me in a way to even confuse my state of mind even more. I was happy to once again feel unique in my characters. I was a mom, but the fittest one, a non-stop working film industry lady with a pretty cool job who btw. is running good as well, how cool is that. I was the girl on the streets striding sexy envied by other girls and secretly loved by romeos having a crush on me. Did it feel good? Yes. Felt special. 

I’ve been lying. It was all and everything that made and want  me to be a runner. In all aspects of my life. The SURFACE.

Life been changing constantly the last couple of years and I always ran to run it out, to deal with it. But life changing because of running as well. Or perhaps because of that. Gotta admit, I love running. And I can’t stop. Run gave me confidence run gave me a total self-esteem wreck down. Blamed it all on run to later run the blame out. 

But I’m not a runner. I’m me. Even though I have no idea who that is. Sitting on a forum with established runner personalities sharing our thoughts on running, experts of a kind, and I feel weird. Cause I’m not really a runner, I’m only doing the running for personal use. I sit in a cafe with a pizza front of me, listening with a bright smile how a runner talks about his everydays, and inside I cry. Who is lying to themselves I ask silently from myself and wanna ask loud from him. But I keep listening we became a strange conversation characters who really doesn’t talk about feelings, just impressions with no personal impacts; because he must be cool, he is a runner. We’be lying to ourselves and to me and to himself. There is no emotion added, only the taste of the pizza. Not even sratching the surface. He is runner but he chosed to be amorozo, with a lack of being one. He talks to me about runner girls, exes and to be future ones, he used to be my bro I remind myself, the one helped me reach some awesome PBs and honest smile on my face. And some calmness. A pro on the other hand, but only a pro in athletics. He is a runner, he calls himself, needs a constant feedback. I’m trying to be his friend, understanding really, but he is a runner and I’m not. 

A realization hits me than and there. I’ve been lying. Wanted to take part, wanted to be one of the community of runners. But I let it have for the ones same as the others. They call each other special someones going way back in the past, going and running, their opinion on his own lie is so much easier to accept than the truth. I change conversation and keep talking about the forum we had on running with men in suit with girls  dressing what is believed to be sexy. They wore colors, like runners wear on a run, look at me kinda dressing, and that’s ok. Unique is not ok it keeps resonating in me, I’m not even sexy among the runners, I wear black and simple but quality, no mini skirts, no extra sighthings on me. My sexyness comes from inside and I should be proud of that. 

We keep telling ourselves we are unique, still we want to be part of a community. I’ve been so focused on becoming one of them, the RUNNERS, I forgot to tell myself that I’ve been lying.

I must go for a run, to get the bad vibes out of the head I remind myself. But than I also remind myself that I really should do it for myself. And I can just seriously stand up and leave bro when I had enough of listening to something where words come out as articulated conversation with absolutely no meaning. He’s been lying. To his ex, to his friends, to me as his sis, to himself, he hurts me and possibly all of them while he is trying to be nice, too nice in fact. But at least he is really a runner. 

I go for a run. To feel good with myself. And try not to wanna become a runner anymore. Just someone who runs a lot. 

And I’m ok. Slowly getting there. In run you also compete unconsiously with others – there is one thing to go over yourselves, but when ego kicks in, you compare yourselves to others. I compare in real life too unfortunately, I’m a kid emotinally speaking, not a competition just checking on current status charts. But I go for a run now, and don’t give a shit how others might seem extremely nicer than me on the sutface, understanding and helpful – although on the contrary I might know unfortunately what the real opinion is especially with bro’s case. Never said a word on how hate-talk can come out about him at his back from someone he believes a special friend of his. I guess I need to go for a run to let it go to try to show him the real world with feelings and the ability to talk about feeling outside of running world.

I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone with my running, not myself nor my loved ones. Running gives you perspective and focus. But when running gets into the focus then suddenly everything starts to run out of normality.

Extreme running conditions in terms of psychological impacts are dangerous, finding the way back, a road to normality is a long and uneasy one, because one can always run it out, and I guess focus gets right back on running.