It’s been a long road. It’s life.
Must confess. I’m not ok. I started running to somehow get through then-current things. Like none sleeps overnight because I had a little one at a time having several waking ups through the night, was the baby age at first when she needed to be fed every 3-4 hrs, than her tooth started coming than she was in the age to wake up, etc. It helped me go through the day by sneaking out for half an hour. It was good to feel the air and the universe. I started running to be out in the field from being constantly on the field of always being responsible and alert.
I’ve been lying. Running became a norm, a lifestyle for me. I’ve been lying, because sooner than later running gave me such powers in terms of self-confidence but at the same time it took it all. And running took my life over. There was running and there is running and the rest called life.
I have to admit. Running gives me something so unique I sticked with it. And it took my life at the same time. I’ve became a RUNNER, and I wanted to become a runner. I’ve been lying. Because I’d gotten addicted. In a bad way. I took run so seriously while taking it casual. I started to be attached to people who run, who gets high from running as well. Just like me.
Took it for granted. My friends became runners, my life all of a sudden changed its focus to run and the rest. Don’t get me wrong, I still had my other characters as being a mom, a hard worker and femme fatale. But all these got a prefix: running mom, a runner producer, getting calls on filmpitches but their first q was always : i hope I don’t bother, are you not running; can we talk business?
It flattered me in a way to even confuse my state of mind even more. I was happy to once again feel unique in my characters. I was a mom, but the fittest one, a non-stop working film industry lady with a pretty cool job who btw. is running good as well, how cool is that. I was the girl on the streets striding sexy envied by other girls and secretly loved by romeos having a crush on me. Did it feel good? Yes. Felt special.
I’ve been lying. It was all and everything that made and want me to be a runner. In all aspects of my life. The SURFACE.
Life been changing constantly the last couple of years and I always ran to run it out, to deal with it. But life changing because of running as well. Or perhaps because of that. Gotta admit, I love running. And I can’t stop. Run gave me confidence run gave me a total self-esteem wreck down. Blamed it all on run to later run the blame out.
But I’m not a runner. I’m me. Even though I have no idea who that is. Sitting on a forum with established runner personalities sharing our thoughts on running, experts of a kind, and I feel weird. Cause I’m not really a runner, I’m only doing the running for personal use. I sit in a cafe with a pizza front of me, listening with a bright smile how a runner talks about his everydays, and inside I cry. Who is lying to themselves I ask silently from myself and wanna ask loud from him. But I keep listening we became a strange conversation characters who really doesn’t talk about feelings, just impressions with no personal impacts; because he must be cool, he is a runner. We’be lying to ourselves and to me and to himself. There is no emotion added, only the taste of the pizza. Not even sratching the surface. He is runner but he chosed to be amorozo, with a lack of being one. He talks to me about runner girls, exes and to be future ones, he used to be my bro I remind myself, the one helped me reach some awesome PBs and honest smile on my face. And some calmness. A pro on the other hand, but only a pro in athletics. He is a runner, he calls himself, needs a constant feedback. I’m trying to be his friend, understanding really, but he is a runner and I’m not.
A realization hits me than and there. I’ve been lying. Wanted to take part, wanted to be one of the community of runners. But I let it have for the ones same as the others. They call each other special someones going way back in the past, going and running, their opinion on his own lie is so much easier to accept than the truth. I change conversation and keep talking about the forum we had on running with men in suit with girls dressing what is believed to be sexy. They wore colors, like runners wear on a run, look at me kinda dressing, and that’s ok. Unique is not ok it keeps resonating in me, I’m not even sexy among the runners, I wear black and simple but quality, no mini skirts, no extra sighthings on me. My sexyness comes from inside and I should be proud of that.
We keep telling ourselves we are unique, still we want to be part of a community. I’ve been so focused on becoming one of them, the RUNNERS, I forgot to tell myself that I’ve been lying.
I must go for a run, to get the bad vibes out of the head I remind myself. But than I also remind myself that I really should do it for myself. And I can just seriously stand up and leave bro when I had enough of listening to something where words come out as articulated conversation with absolutely no meaning. He’s been lying. To his ex, to his friends, to me as his sis, to himself, he hurts me and possibly all of them while he is trying to be nice, too nice in fact. But at least he is really a runner.
I go for a run. To feel good with myself. And try not to wanna become a runner anymore. Just someone who runs a lot.
And I’m ok. Slowly getting there. In run you also compete unconsiously with others – there is one thing to go over yourselves, but when ego kicks in, you compare yourselves to others. I compare in real life too unfortunately, I’m a kid emotinally speaking, not a competition just checking on current status charts. But I go for a run now, and don’t give a shit how others might seem extremely nicer than me on the sutface, understanding and helpful – although on the contrary I might know unfortunately what the real opinion is especially with bro’s case. Never said a word on how hate-talk can come out about him at his back from someone he believes a special friend of his. I guess I need to go for a run to let it go to try to show him the real world with feelings and the ability to talk about feeling outside of running world.
I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone with my running, not myself nor my loved ones. Running gives you perspective and focus. But when running gets into the focus then suddenly everything starts to run out of normality.
Extreme running conditions in terms of psychological impacts are dangerous, finding the way back, a road to normality is a long and uneasy one, because one can always run it out, and I guess focus gets right back on running.