So, there is Berlin on foot and there is Berlin on race. I kinda know the city by the full marathon route by memory, kinda know the city by the cool streets the best stores, the landmarks of must visit by monsieur wong or the raclette restaurant I love, by the cheese plates elsewhere and by where we partied nights and days, some identical in terms of the above mentioned all as common.
Half is just a half I eased myself into this, I can do it. Thought I.
Prayed to forget last week’s massive failure to run the lake half marathon, I had too much in that time in the mind actually. I so desperately wanted to do good with no actual and useful training to rely on, I wanted to stand on podium wanted to feel that some might be proud of me and look at me as a different person, as a lovable and less femme fatale way. Didn’t work as planned, but probably that came from the unconcsious conciousness, the too much thinking of what others think. Seriously freaked out on this.
And of course on the wind. Serious wind situation and I still started pushing myself to the limits at start with one of the Cs bro. Was his rhyhtm and stride length with the added hating of the wind, and by 2km I knew this whole thing can be dumped, my brain totally focused on the stopping all the way. In short nut so slow I finished and it and I sucked.
That got me in the state of mind to actually question all and everything. Berlin fail I took for granted. Fail on all I took for granted basically. My life my relationships with the world all got me into the big black hole.
Nice start on the so awaited trip to Berlin. I start to believe that there must be an emotional attachment with Berlin running, I never go there with emptied mind. Usually it is really bad feelings except my last marathon there where I probably never was so happy in my life pre running races. This gave confidence, I knew now. Emotions and feelings matter.
This time, there was no confidence nor pure and calm happiness in me. This time, I was happy that at least we go together with bro&co. Cared none whether we talked or not, but at least we went. Weird but calm, retless but easy going, hard but ok, ambivalency on its top. Mixed thoughts lowering or rising my confidence depending on the moment, and there were a few.
Going for a race with elites is kinda unique for me as we prep so differently. I stick with naivity as pre-race routines I call, if one is missing I completely go insane. Beet-root juice, taking my mG and my special electrolyte drink the day before, having my gear photo-ed, listening to uplifting music, prepare to the unknown. Meanwhile the pros do something different. They do it differently, they don’t look at a race unknowingly I guess. I could feel and smell their different kinda calmness towards the race while it shiverred me how I can’t calm myself down. We eat pasta for dinner, I meet a friend while they had back to the hotel. Berlin on a different kinda saturday night. Getting back to base by 9:30, they all silent and laid back. Start to read a bit but must sleep to. Weird silence, weird non-verbal metacommunication and soon we sleep.
I leave earlier than the crew in tave day, they opt to run to start as a warm up, I take the u-bahn, don’t wanna risk running too much. Sit at the start-area listening to music, chatting with bro, and asking powerfully some gods to stop with the wind.
I almost miss getting into corals on time, but keep my mind shut to any kinda negativity, only to find out A coral runners are not allowed to enter the startline only 3 min pre racestart. German punctuality with italian hurdle jumpers getting over the fence we are stuck behind in. I’m jammed between men, not too many women I see around me, but off we go.
I catch on Leigh and we go too fast for the beginning. I feel weird, she is much faster but I feel more powerful than her today so I say goodbye around 5. She shouts gogogirl at me and I keep this in mind. In fact, I for one second cannot take my mind off the fact that I’m here and now. If my brain accidentally finds a thought I jump right back on I started too fast and the only chance is to go so I could make history on my own. I know I can’t I see my time, but I still push, from 10-14 I feel flow, awesome flow and enjoyment.
Than I hit the vespa front of me trying to pass front of us. My thoughts were already in the state to accept that it isn’t a pb time when all of a sudden I run into to motorbike, which pushes me back but there are two more runnera on my back pushing to the vespa again and the theee of us finally move the biker and its bike to the ground. Organizers jump into the scene trying to get the mad man out of the street but he is mas and starts fighting. We quickly stand up – encounter did not take more than 20 secs- I scream fvck in hungarian and start running again. I take about 10-15 steps when I get back from shock now trying to decide whether cry it out now or try to keep my breathing at normal. I realize I started running at 3:50 pace. I force myself to slow down, my legs cannot take it.
I try to calm myself by saying at least I have an excuse not to pb, but cannot laugh it off, I’m no pro. Slowing down a bit to get my heartrate going and I somehow get back into flow by not caring much. Gave up probably. At 18 Leigh comes in superspeed telling me to go with her but this time I tell her to gogo. At 20, getting some confetti at the face I love for the goosebumps and crewlove, I know it is almost over. I realize I’m glad I did it or almost I’ll be doing so. A woman stops at 20.5 and I touch her back to tell her to come w me. I hold her hand. She comes for two steps, smiles at me than rather stops again. I go, I must go I tell myself, she will make it, it’s only 400 to go.
Sub90 by a little and I was glad after a week ago total dissapointment I at least could do this. I see bro. Can tell how he looks at me that I must look dissapointed and it makes me start crying. I’m extremely happy to have him hugging me while I cry, and I just let it all out. It’s something about this is so calming yet I cry, sorrowed happiness. We walk out of the medal zone to my bag and soon we all back in normal life situation. At the time we meet the others it’s all gone, back into controll.
But again Berlin had me some specialty and strong.
We are #geilballern