Please don’t read this.
World of filters. World of filtered runs. World of filtered world.
Symbols with meanings and feelings that is for real and taken off – nothing like a snapchat mask.
It took a whole lot of thinking but less need of courage to write this out. I am sorry.
I am sorry. But don’t forgive me.
There’s been a lot going on with daydreaming and running for dreams just to stay promt on visual expressing of the meaning. Symbols dumped. Surreality to face the truth not. We all wish to go for better, more, happier merrier. Faster, stronger we get along the way.
But what if we are already strong amd fast and should be happy if accepting it. Look no further, enjoy the moment.
BS with the big words and the so true answers to universe big questions.
Socially active in the running scene, and it makes me feel biasing myself on a daily basis. Too much to talk myself out on a regular that I don’t run good nor fast. I was at the right place at the right moment, but was it actually right? I mean did it give anything to my life other than temporary proudness of a kind that I could be finally outstanding in something. Outstanding in this case means I was recognized and looked out by a seriously minority called followers compare to big world of filters. But it gave confidence at one point willing to appreciate the presence and acknowledgable status. It was important to keep my small audience entertained, but soon it became a responsibilty and surreality began.
It isn’t me. I love to go low key. Gotta be alone, that’s my way. In order to smile and be happy around people I need my me time. Quality.
Never really listened to the warnings. Hashed it away, I do it for my own fun. It wasn’t for fun, became a lifestyle, my daily dose of feeling worth.
To feel worth.
Since PB-s only came when inspired by someone else, and it really came extraordinary at one point, or some happy sparkles I got from the recognition of seriously nothing – hint surreal world- it became a norm. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like having fans, or actually having fans, I seriously took every single person closer or further to my heart, and some became important part of my life and I’m grateful for that. But! On the road itself I kinda lost my identity. In a way. I was always social, i was always kinda strange to everyone at first, cause in fact I’m pretty closed up, though I don’t show this in the surface, but it is hard to go closer to me. So this whole IG style2run thing helped a bit to open up. And vame along the envy too, which I heard back, rumors I laughed off but deep in me it got stuck, and not that I wanted to please everyone, but hate and envy made me upset. I’m no special. Or at least I wanna keep that to one, special.
I do party a lot, but it takes a whole lot of stress to actually go to party. Once make it out the door I’m fine, but I prefer being cosy at home. Cuddling up, drinking tea while watching a movie, etc. I’m kind of a cat looking like a playful dog trying to get as much of smiles from passerby-s. I’m my own oximoron.
Same with running. Once I get going I’m fine. But it’s about style2life now.
I only now, but some around me got fed up with this, and now I understand. It’s nothing I can promise not to post or go offline for a month, but I seriously need a break, to revisit myself somehow. To have my runs to run, to have my life to live. Getting the reminder already quite enough time from who really matters, finally I understand.
It might be accepting some more even, like facing reality to get to the point that there is no fun chasing PB dreams I’m so far of. Metaphorically and realistically too.
I finally feel pretty and ok in my body or with my body. Kinda weird cause otherwise I feel like shit, and I wanna show my pretty my body my skin, but it seems no chance. Oximoron me once again.
Writing it out helps as much as running or crying it out, followup might come. My vibe and mood changes histerically, but I wish to go from restless to a coffee-break. Metaphorical once again.
Over and out. Life awaits, and I’ve been missing on that one big time for a while now. And I’m sorry I actually didn’t recognize this earlier. Style2love. Love to love.
Did you actually read it?