Summer I seem to run and live from race to race. Last 6 weeks contained 5 races all finished with something to be proud of if I could ever be proud. Unfortunately 4 out of the 5 was podium standing in the end but no satisfaction time-wise. The last one I was ok with my running-time, and that is just fine.
I go racing, it’s something to prep for couple of days earlier and a recovery a day after; I can make a week going and keep my mind being busy with this rather than other things while doing it. Some kind of a satisfaction to pretend I have an important task to do.
But in reality it’s just an activity to blur out some heavy issues called life. Ego-game of a kind, although I don’t do it to please by congratulating myself after a succesfully finished race. I focus on the preparation the actual run and the post race melancholy all in combination, just to start over by the middle of the week with another challenge. New kind of calendar for me.
But in fact I should finally able ego to be ruined and rebuild from scratch. It’s been two years I was torn and totally bruised in real life, and yes that stamped my ego and my personality big time. It’s something inside of me that changed and my self-confidence just dissapeared, I thought I was finally accepted as I am, but in fact, and the hard truth is that I was accepted and appreciated actually up until the point when I finally believed I was loved as I am. But I wasn’t, it was only the ego of others. Running helped to heal, but ego got misguided and I seem to never find the way eversince nor could I make decent relationships with people ever since, I thought I gave myself, biz I only wished. The everydays are different, basically because I dare not to open up anymore as intense as I usually did. Self-confidence-less I believe people are not interested because I’m not interesting anyways.
Lot of people I meet try to say otherwise. They like me for reasons I can’t see and believe in me and I rather go from race to race on weekends instead of actually sitting down and behave and believe I still can hive to others. Both contain thinking time anyways and I prefer to do it while running.
I like races. Small family day type races as well, no crowd and you actually can run on your own if you wish. That’s my purest state of form to enjoy myself. While suffering. Kind of ruining and building the ego on the go. And I think while I don’t have to think. That’s is really up to the runner, in this case me. It’s a combination of joy and struggle, when I get lost in thoughts rather than being present in the run is when getting the flow, and that perfectly works with little races where the time does not matter, only the run itself. Though, I don’t think I ever went no-racing on a race except when paced J at midnight half where I get the cheer from a stranger I so wanted to het to know closer auuw, but than again it’s a constant thinking cheering and pushing the other; pacing is about the other. So while I run and usually push I prefer to get lost against the flow, but these could be only moments before realizing I either lost pace or in pace or even too fast.
But I guess I just prefer to jump from thought to thought; in real life too. That is why I probably cannot be able to ruin and dress down my already ruined ego to rebuild it, because I lose creativity by jumping to another subject.
I had a big conversation yesterday with someone I don’t really know. I sometimes can open up to real strangers who actually have the vibe and athmosphere to do so. Telling him and he telling me about rather discreet topics are fun. And sometimes get a good advise. You come from different lifestlye, the only common is the love for the run and a new perspective can heal the soul actually, momentarely. He said a coelho without the monumental drums or well chosen words.
Whatever belongs to you will belong for the rest of your life, even if you seem to lose it or get distanced for a while. Something like that. And also said that what I think and believe is what I express to the outside with no words. Nothing new, but I needed this reminder. Ego can go a fvck itself. If I can lose contact with it in a race I should be able to do it on a lifelong marathon as well. Keeping the sprints and the controll which is needed for and to the red carpet in my oval office, and rather make my life as a long long run. Sometimes, like nowadays I hit the marathon wall, but that is something to overcome on the long run. With so much love on my heart I should be able to do it, no matter who pushed me off the track two years ago, maybe it was me, for sure it was me for letting myself to be pushed anyways.