On the 10th of October 2017 I got my official sign off to be a runner as per medical examination. The doctor said she is willing to have my body as a present for Christmas. Easy tick on on going nationals she said in her office which was signed: for olympic runners. She probably saw how much worried I was, physical stains of my nervousness showed visibly sweating, high pulse which was so high as 75 and extraordinary measures -in my terms- blood pressure of 120/60. Was cleared to compete today, and I guess it’s a no turning back, marathon time in the weekend. She said my numbers are awesome, colesterine, iron, etc on olympic level.
Wearher forecast seems perfect for me; a bit higher temperature than marathon-perfect per others, not major wind and no parties pre booked. I have no excuse to already think of. I’m also quite ok personally, life goes on but not like it goes on as regret, but goes on that way, I don’t read fitspos or influential justdoit quotes, don’t yet miss hard working though I work occasionally and I know the day will come sooner or later. It’s not one marathon but two in a row and than a half which I will probably take it as a full cause I need miles (not).
Little she knew – the doctor- that I took the blood test on empty stomach at 1 pm while the assistant screamed that it will get me bad results, but took anyways, that I was having the worst menstruation for a decade having Aunt Flow totally ruin my dresscode for the day. She, the doctor had no idea I was escorted by a guy who is also a coach happen to be so nice and a friend of a friend and I’m such a bitch for not being nice to him on a regular basis even though he is so reluctant for a year and a half to be around me. She also had no idea I had a conversation with another coach from the same tribe who in the other hand seriously dislike me but for some miracle talked and talked to me while I talked to him for an hour about ourselves and that kinda made me smiley, and he suggested to go marathon on my way, which is a good sign, or at least I took it as a good sign that at least he knows what was my way.
At this point I should probably seek for no more excuses for the run just run anyways.
But there are certain concerns nonetheless. Firstly, the runningmate who passed out on previous race and the situation got me into my bones and as well to others. Telling them -as their coach, but I’m no coach- that they should not worry only listen to their body made me nervous. Could I actually do a PB previously if I didn’t believe I could do the extraordinary, go over my own barriers, over the edge, and rather listen to my rational self and just do the usual? Will I know if I’m over my limits will I know when to stop pushing or push even more? (I had the same conversation with myself actually preppig for labor with my daughter). Last year when major PBs happened both marathon and half distance I always had a prediction I was given by bro which I wanted to break too. It worked well cause I was high on happiness. This raises another and second worry, which might or might even overlimit the importance of the first. It will be warm for a marathon weather-wise but not for me personally. Thinking of outfit to wear, I know I need an arm warmer. I know I will wear one, the one feared one day will be asked back with some other gear I have from bro. The day will come I guess, and I need to be prepared for that too. Weird emotional attachement to things, objects, with meanings we put into them but otherwise stuff only. Thirdly, I’m not prepared to run a marathon in pace. Or simply just run a marathon. I’m scared of the distance and the clock. This will be my 12th startline presence and I’m scared AF of the unknown distance.
I had no over 100k weeks for a year now. I had no long runs at all. I had some speed work but didn’t feel like was progress on speed nor endurance. Have no mantra stuck into mind, I don’t want to show the world how happy I am nor how fast I can get. I have no motivational inspiration, no music or olympic thights as a lucky charm. I’m certain in one thing only, that marathon is coming up and that I still write metaphorical or song lyrics and I get lyrics as a return or as a change I guess. I think I woke up after a long sleep I thought was a dream, and I’m back to Nagoya in 2015.
And in the other hand I really fvcking wanna do my dream finally.
Because on the 10th of October I got cleared to compete for another year.
Two marathons awaiting in October. So I must stand up and just do it, or fvcking do it my way.