‘Go write your message on the pavement’


My daughter gets a sticker at school instead of grades, saying well done, congrats and so on. 

Wednesday when picked her up, already done my school run- aka run around the school before doing the schoolrun- she as usual had her sticker in hand proudly presented. She went heureka, hold up my striped longsleeves and put it on my stomach. For a brief moment I thought of having an artificial object glued to my skin would cause some ithchyness but next thing I remebered is I completely forgot about it. 

Next morning with a strong urge to go run I quickly grabbed my run attire just to realize it’s raining and the wind was unbearable even to normal humans not only to me the windfreak, quick change of plans I took a shower just to not feel so cold, and than and there I saw the sticker. Excellent was written on it, on my stomach on my body. Not that it gave me a push to go run immediately, and only a slight feel of guilt coming the quick reminder to finally write the peace about body image to voltwomen. 

Excellent- it made me smile and go to the gym, with my winter run attire, therefore sweating was such a detox, lost at least two pounds. Until drank some water after.

I can’t imagine little minds purposfully act the way to how to cheer up and motivate an adult nihil, but that really worked; daughter just made da point. Took the streching class after and some body sculpt today, sauna noth days, so a definite muscle pain will be checking in tomorrow for a practice race of half marathon. I chose to race to not feel superlow about skipping Berlin and a possible experience on breaking 2 this year. I keep rewind and rewatch the Monza race over and over again by the way. It isn’t like I cannot change the end of it, but I still get the same goosepumps reexperimenting the whole footage and a paralel history that is probably milestone for so many runner souls. Berlin I hope for an enormous bash of fastness and a message on the pavement. Message of success and the overcome limits of humanity.

Meanwhile I keep my body and live up to its excellence. #breakingmybarriers

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Reborn


I had a run. We had a relay. World has a major problem with weather. Country – 2 in this specific day- had godly rainfall and enormous gusts for all day, amd exactly five minutes of sun. And I had an out of comfortzone fun all day. And a five minutes on the spot conversation leading to the most comfort zone awakening.

Ran 48K in the following order in three legs: 22.9, 17.9, 6.9, so it was actually 47.7 in the end. I didn’t really miss that 300meters deficit to tell you the truth. 400+ elevation which shouldn’t be major but it was with 12-15% roads with warning sign post before it started. Loads a grape fields with automatic bombs’ sounds to scare the birds away and scare the shit outta me. Alone on the road I ran. Gotta-do-it & wanna-do-it focus was finally present and all I could think was to make it to the relay point to not dissapoint my team mates by not caring about running. And it came so natural. Ran 4:41 pace on the toughest leg with the lots of rollercoaster kinda elevation course in pouring rain. And actually enjoyed it, and was then and there, and my mind was not whining nor thinking on soul issues. I was glad. I was not thinking people was not jumping from thought to thought. Enjoyed the pace of not killing myself, easy complementing the beautiful view the awesome calmness. Was alone. Was ok to be alone. Loneliness of a long distance runner. 2 legs later, hair still wet, but hand succesfully unfrozen it was again my turn. Hello wind I acknowledge you but can’t take my mind over I mantrad and this time I ran Austria. Bit less hill work, still some wavy roads, awww how awesome beautiful it was. Shorter distance made my speed pace up to 4:34 avg. Was fine with it ran easyily having my hat on. Hair still wet. Last of my legs should have been a quicky with only 6.8k but running front of the whole entrants I missed the comfort of following a leader, we were leading. Getting anxious but not finding the sign of wheretogo I had to stop and lost pace. 4:35 in the end as an average. Apologized from the others but we were leading so much it really didn’t matter. We easily won the race, lakers girls. Third lake of Hungary ran around, it’s a check.

But what gave this race was something more than a cup or the podium stand. 

Race to remember for at least two major reasons.

Competitors finally running in a team going the distance opening up with honesty more and more. Lady Discipline became human and one of the nicest person I’ve ever met. Glad we made it through the competitor phrase to something more: crewmates, figthing for each other. Something I dare to say crewlove. Her husband as well. Happy to meet the real they. Than the other girl finally happy with herself, she who holds back all emotions bursted out in laughter when she saw her watch stating an impressive pace. What a difference a pace make. I probably gave no surprise, even pace, nothing extraordinary, still we finished with so much togetherness and no fights along the way. Perfect crew perfect day, first place for dessert.

And than something else happened too. After so much of no-talk we could not not talk by meeting on a race. Casual encounter, like you talk to anyone on a race. Only five minutes with a long lost friend we finished the sentence from the past. We laughed naturally and easy. We ran. Naturally and a bit harder. And that made me realize to look back of the months we had not talked or ran the trails together. Something hit me, while holding the plaquette of the first place and the sponsor hat as a present, I was lost in translation. And I suddenly understood all. The why-s and why-nots, the races and runs, the leading packs and the lifestyle runners, the need to achieve versus the wanna show myself I can do it. The difference between lives and certain routines, the signs and the sounds. The difference between runner and runner. 

The combination of running-talking-meeting souls were such a wow flow vibe it really hit me over the weekend. And I am officially in the state to forgive and forget amd remember and smile, but also to grow from the whining and grow out from the feeling sorry for myself.

I enjoy running, and that all it matters. Whoever joins are welcome but accept the nonwillingness as well, amd especially specially I accept what life throws front of my feet either apshalt or trail there is a reason to get on the road because it takes me somwhere, a road to… 

Budapest half and a try

Gosh, I’m just unable to focus. Or not willing anyways. I’d decided to let it go two days before the race really. And gosh I had big time. Saturday was all about holding back because I have a race next day. Excuse not to losen up too much on the diner en blanc. Eh, up until 7:20, where we all got the moets out and it was gone in minutes. Guys could get hold of some cheap wine, and then and there I knew it was all up to fullfill all my commitments on taking nationals with zero discipline. I have life afterall, and I’m no runner. In these terms at least. I’m not a runner on a Saturday night having fun finally. 

And who is not a runner on a Saturday should not be a runner on Sunday race either. 

Gosh, the next day I carefully stepped up went into the kitchen for a coffee, but suddenly a flashback came due to the fact that there was an enormous sized ice bucket on the counter. Moet of course. I came home holding onto the bucket, and I remembered giving the leftover winebottles to the homeless sleeping on the street, at least he should have fun too. Throwing the remain of the ice into the river. 

Lost in thoughts I pressed myself to go mindfull and focus on the future and not the past as of last night. 

Lessgo I said to myself trying to act normal and well prepared. Press on the word try. 

Never ever do this at home kinda post it is. Respect the fvcking race I keep telling myself every hour every minute. 

We got third as a team as a duo btw. Shame on me. I ran 4:04 pace on 12k, and the rest 9, I’d jogged. Shame shame shame on me.

Best regards!

Last sentence was to be continued.

Which seems like a thousand year ago and in fact I’ve no idea what was I gonna continue with anyways. 

There was the race after race I remember where I just had enough of all and moved on to next level of realizing there are certain things in life morally on my terms that are unexpectable. So moving on I thought. I usually am pretty good leaving things and lifes behind. Never looking back kinda way. There are certain things I cannot leave behind however, but this time I was covered I thought.

Kept running kept working kept coaching and kept being extremely mad at stupidness unhumanity and my self image.

Got tired and even more tired. Wanted to sleep and had no will and actual physical intention to do the easiest things. Like fuel gas into my car, or do the groceries. Or even answer a damn email I should for a week. Things like this. In the other hand I had to agree or disagree on big screens and make decisions on life matters. Got ducking tired. 

Than one day. After two days of no work I stood up I knew I didn’t have to answer that email anymore, and I went to buy groceries, got on the bike, screamed at the air against me and felt free. I ran I ate, I smiled and gave no shit how my body looked like. Cause basically it looked good in my terms. The too much nonwillingness gave absolutely no apetite and that’s how I like myself, no meat no cry.

I couldn’t write though. Not that I wanted to continue. I’d burried it all and smiled at the world finally honestly. 

Started to miss trailboy but dared not to call him, casual chat becomes less reality with time passing by. Somethings Inrealized I want to hold onto in life. He always told me I was restless and wanna take part of all. But summer I switched off and turned inner self. Being myself and be with myself felt great. Grew distance with coach, like not picking up the phone when he called and went on days with silent mode. Kinda enjoyed it.

Kinda enjoyed being me with myself.

Than came autumn and autumn races.

Just one so far in fact and I realized I’m not ready. It’s not like nostalgy or something however you call. Which makes me mad and finally not feeling the nihil btw. Read between the lines yeah. I took no chance and went out the night and dawn before the race, so I definitely put everything on the sureness to fail. I could not face vulnarebility of mine, I could not once again face myself feeling humiliated by my own self my own thoughts of going low on self esteem. I could not face the front line. 

So I made sure and drank on that Moet. Was not much but more than  should pre nationals anyways. 

I was ready to fail. And to face my deepest fear. The love inside of me, that still is there. I keep reminding myself it is ok, and running is ok too.  And no matter how much of a good thing to love it is still heartbreaking. Even more. How many time could be break into even smaller pieces. I felt I cannot be good unless we all go good. None of us did good. I was predestinated to fail. 

All the talks and letters turning into words seems nonetheless nonsense, why on Earth I seek contact to tore myself again and again; and I need to get back on track to feel some esteem with prefixing self. I know I gotta let certain things go i order to gain. I know. Brain still functions on the level of what should be done.

Just do it.

Cause next autumn race is just around the corner.

Front line or not, it’s coming.

Team blonde


Again post race vibes are on. 

This lady the partner in run crime, and my hope in humanity. Adding to my Saturday vibes. Twice the game, twice the races was the day. The races, Her and the Bomb man made my weekend complete in runworld. 

Hectic week make it a hectic weekend. Still had no idea on family matters vs weekend freetime so I registered for two races hoping at least one I get a green light for. The Blonde decided to come the trail one with me in Saturday afternoon, far in the countryside but beautiful view and because lucky her she is vacationing nearby.  Last minute decision and airbnb we were off to Balaton with the Coach and the Hulk. I also had my tickets ready for the Festival happening on the other side of the lake for a Friday Night Live, but I opted for the sound of silence again on last minute leaving two of my friends on the dancefloor. Casual dinner in a family place I was calm and easy going, I only wished to be at the same place same time with perhaps someone else, but than again I kept thinking mindfullness and tried to get the best out of the now and there. 

The trail race started at 2pm in extreme heat. Lined up to the start-line after a shower under the public water fountain, I was happy to see the other Blonde finally (we have a team actually 2 blondes and the mini formed for already two relay races before), and the fun begun. I knew from our crew I was the only one coming to face fears and face serious fun, the rest wanted results and podium fame. Blonde wanted a second place -she believed I would be front of her-, coach and age group win, Hulk, well you never know about him, he is Hulk afterall, but he definitely wanted to beat me and beat the rest of the participants. And all I wanted is to not freak out in the woods and hills running ALONE. I’ve never ran trail alone, fear to get lost and dry out and than animals would come and eat me for weeks, also fear of trees fall on me because of a great storm, but it was 34celsius in the shadows, and totally no signs for even a light rain. Marci once ran this race and got lost to add to my fear.

I was ready to face my fears. Fear no.1 of the day. 

 Startline and I see faces from the past and it’s a blast. This event is organized by a runteam who’s been around for centuries I guess, ran a lot of their events in my pre life, pro life at age 18; familiar faces a bit older and a bit wiser among the runners. Stepi’s father waves at me and I smile, calmness become my partner next to Blonde and we count back under the mini start sign, off we go.

Off we go for about 10 steps when someone hits my calves so hard and all I can see is Blonde going down the asphalt holding onto me while I try to not fall on her. Down the ground I try to get her back up to standing while we see all runners passing us. I scream silently: are you ok, while thinking it’s my part to fall at anytime. Grabbing her we stand up she is bleeding a bit but seems ok, suddenly she is getting pissed and start an enormous pace to reach the crowd of runners ahead of us. Not sure I can keep up. Around 3 k I realize I like it a lot. Say bye to Blonde I go to face my fears. Course is awesome, my eyes are just blinded with the view, brain fully occupied with the ever changing terrain I suddenly am alone with the nature. Course is signed pretty ok, shouldn’t get lost here I keep mantra and enjoy the flow coming. There is single tracks but usually it’s more like an orienteering race sans the map in my hand, signs are visible only the ground I cannot see because I need to go through a whole bunch of plants field hitting my boobs so high. I feel the first nettle pinch but forget to notice any further my legs and body is hit by all over of them after a while. Bugs don’t bug, heat is intense but that neither, I faced my fear I thought keeping up the run. Last 3 k starts with a massive downhill realizing I can’t run down, not here not in this terrain either. Coach reach me here of course, need to learn some running down the hills skills finally. We go into finishline together, I don’t want to race him at a last sprint. 

Got first. Blonde got second, coach got 2nd and Hulk third in the age group. We did great. There was a moment when I reached Hulk at around 4k I felt that race could go wrong if he follows me, but after the first half of race the uphills, he passed me on the even surface and was glad we didn’t stick together, after all he is Hulk and his name stands for it all. I also had some bad thoughts throughout my journey of being fearless alone in the woods for Blonde falling hoping I’m not responsible for that, possibly me pushing her on the ground by accident.

Podium ceremony was fun but we had to rush. 

I had another race to attend in the evening. And why I ran two that day? For a whole few of reasons, but mainly I ran the trail to have excuses for the evening if I wouldn’t be fast enough. I definitely only wanted to run, and not being in place to stand on the podium again. I knew bro would be there, especially as a special guest and I wanted totally no encounter of a chance to meet in such circumstances. Fear no.2 was a complex fear: running in the night with headlamp, and running on a race we both ran. 

Cont. …

Speed work


Blast from the past and a wall to collapse. Long story cut short/fast.

I know for quite a few it’s no biggie go under 4min per K. And some I know it’s like a big dream, or something so ufo-ish. 

Well. It’s no biggie really.

And well, it’s a huge biggie really.

I ran 2:12 any given time on 800m when I was 17-that’s part of the story.

In 2015 I remember the exact day I went careless and all-smiles to the trail in the morning with the trail-boy. He wanted to impress and I thought was game. Up and down with no falls. Followed by a coffee and some work I felt restless and went to the fast lane of asphalt some hours later again with the trailboy. He needed a back challenge, I passed the trail test – or so I thought – he wanted to show off on asphalt too. Intervalls. The word so daring and fearing, never faced such since my restart of running of 2014. Had no clue on pace or lactate or anything less academic sound. Only 3×1000 he said, at 4min pace.

I started out of memory. Go hard, kill yourself kinda restless way. I ran 10k-s on a daily basis those days between 4:10-5 min pace, had no idea how hard I pushed anyways, had no watch, only my legs, amd my restlessness. Around 500 hundred I felt my legs go paralyzed, my thighs become like heavy elephant legs, but I could not let him win. We did a 3:55. I was dead. Casually told him I’m finished, little I knew I had finished with speed work for another year. I wanna enjoy running not die I said. And jogged the rest while he did his workout. 

Fastforward to 2017 midsummer night. 30k, 3 girls, 30 laps. 10x 1000m for each of us. And miracle happens really. Woke up that day  at 5:30 in the morning rushing to nrc running session as a work: 3x1000m at 4:20 with the squad, I thought well, this is me, even as a pacer, can’t do better nowadays, though I should pace at 4:30. Afternoon when the wind blew my mind I showed up to this evening fun race we originally took as a practice of intervalls and told my lovely lady mates my intention to actually dns the whole fun. But we are team I remembered and shot the fvck up  instead lined up to start.

Had no idea if I could make it, but eased myself saying I go for 5x, because I promised Cse we would run this together, he in Sopron, me in Buda running Pest. Live feeding.

There was this other team we went head in head. Flattered I always got the opportunity to catch the girl front of me and pass, the next two rounds they usually got back the lead, and again I had to chase back our first position. I ran hard. I ran my first 1000 at 3:50, and I knew this will kill me. Next I ran 3:48, for fvck sake I won’t make it to the end I thought there is 8 more rounds to go. 3rd 1k was 3:47, and I started to feel fear and so pissed, I can’t do this chasing forever. By my 4th round I got so pissed I ran a 3:44, and while I wanted to die all I could think of is a mix of Alexi+the speedy lady + the bro. Gosh, they are fast and I struggle I thought. But this time as it seemed I got such a gap between us on the 5th I finally started and finished on front as well, my mates probably just got as pissed as I was to run so fast. Discipline, courage and power- words I wish were part of the game but I just wanted to finish with my 10th and rest after. I ran 3:50-s and even a 3:55 for the 8th round, but guess what. 

I WAS FINALLY SO PROUD!

Went under 4min for all 10 repetition. And I know this couldn’t happen on an average intervall cause I’m such a spoiled whiner little thing, and without the other girl team, who I must honestly congratulate and thank for showing me the ability of my own boundaries to go over the edge when really needed. 

Guess what! I’m so proud AF of myself. Finally. Miracles happen. 

Body


It took me about a hundres years and not yet done with it…

We live in a world that encourages to feel good with ourselves. We get the quotes daily, the inspiration secondly or at least everytime getting on facebook or instagram.

See bodies we envy, look at pictures we just wish to be, perfectly shaped shapes, beautifully built bodies. And we go and do the same, run, plank, starve, burpee repeat. And still so far we envy. Not in specific order, and yes we are also told by the social media that it is ok to cheat. Cheat on an ice cream, a donut, in fact, we can have a huge pizza and feel no guilt further more pretend to be Karlie Klosses or any VS model you name. So we do that too, cause what not, it’s also motivational. 

Not.

Genetics. And self-esteem.

It took me a great deal of time to take off my shirt to run in runbra at 33 celsius and still had thought was heatshocked to do so. Why can’t I be happy with the body I own. Got no choice anyways. But to accept.

Being for a while on the olympian diet I call – latenight snacking on milka or homemade poppyseed cookies I love(d) and being a couchpotatoe I also loved with love – I couldn’t face the mirror for some time. Summer came, but summer body never arrived I got no confidence to go show-off with any less shirtless. 

I’ve been running for probably alltogether at least 15 years, for fun, but not in one time I dared to go runderwear proud and casual. I’d and have always felt awkward. 

But why o why?