Team blonde


Again post race vibes are on. 

This lady the partner in run crime, and my hope in humanity. Adding to my Saturday vibes. Twice the game, twice the races was the day. The races, Her and the Bomb man made my weekend complete in runworld. 

Hectic week make it a hectic weekend. Still had no idea on family matters vs weekend freetime so I registered for two races hoping at least one I get a green light for. The Blonde decided to come the trail one with me in Saturday afternoon, far in the countryside but beautiful view and because lucky her she is vacationing nearby.  Last minute decision and airbnb we were off to Balaton with the Coach and the Hulk. I also had my tickets ready for the Festival happening on the other side of the lake for a Friday Night Live, but I opted for the sound of silence again on last minute leaving two of my friends on the dancefloor. Casual dinner in a family place I was calm and easy going, I only wished to be at the same place same time with perhaps someone else, but than again I kept thinking mindfullness and tried to get the best out of the now and there. 

The trail race started at 2pm in extreme heat. Lined up to the start-line after a shower under the public water fountain, I was happy to see the other Blonde finally (we have a team actually 2 blondes and the mini formed for already two relay races before), and the fun begun. I knew from our crew I was the only one coming to face fears and face serious fun, the rest wanted results and podium fame. Blonde wanted a second place -she believed I would be front of her-, coach and age group win, Hulk, well you never know about him, he is Hulk afterall, but he definitely wanted to beat me and beat the rest of the participants. And all I wanted is to not freak out in the woods and hills running ALONE. I’ve never ran trail alone, fear to get lost and dry out and than animals would come and eat me for weeks, also fear of trees fall on me because of a great storm, but it was 34celsius in the shadows, and totally no signs for even a light rain. Marci once ran this race and got lost to add to my fear.

I was ready to face my fears. Fear no.1 of the day. 

 Startline and I see faces from the past and it’s a blast. This event is organized by a runteam who’s been around for centuries I guess, ran a lot of their events in my pre life, pro life at age 18; familiar faces a bit older and a bit wiser among the runners. Stepi’s father waves at me and I smile, calmness become my partner next to Blonde and we count back under the mini start sign, off we go.

Off we go for about 10 steps when someone hits my calves so hard and all I can see is Blonde going down the asphalt holding onto me while I try to not fall on her. Down the ground I try to get her back up to standing while we see all runners passing us. I scream silently: are you ok, while thinking it’s my part to fall at anytime. Grabbing her we stand up she is bleeding a bit but seems ok, suddenly she is getting pissed and start an enormous pace to reach the crowd of runners ahead of us. Not sure I can keep up. Around 3 k I realize I like it a lot. Say bye to Blonde I go to face my fears. Course is awesome, my eyes are just blinded with the view, brain fully occupied with the ever changing terrain I suddenly am alone with the nature. Course is signed pretty ok, shouldn’t get lost here I keep mantra and enjoy the flow coming. There is single tracks but usually it’s more like an orienteering race sans the map in my hand, signs are visible only the ground I cannot see because I need to go through a whole bunch of plants field hitting my boobs so high. I feel the first nettle pinch but forget to notice any further my legs and body is hit by all over of them after a while. Bugs don’t bug, heat is intense but that neither, I faced my fear I thought keeping up the run. Last 3 k starts with a massive downhill realizing I can’t run down, not here not in this terrain either. Coach reach me here of course, need to learn some running down the hills skills finally. We go into finishline together, I don’t want to race him at a last sprint. 

Got first. Blonde got second, coach got 2nd and Hulk third in the age group. We did great. There was a moment when I reached Hulk at around 4k I felt that race could go wrong if he follows me, but after the first half of race the uphills, he passed me on the even surface and was glad we didn’t stick together, after all he is Hulk and his name stands for it all. I also had some bad thoughts throughout my journey of being fearless alone in the woods for Blonde falling hoping I’m not responsible for that, possibly me pushing her on the ground by accident.

Podium ceremony was fun but we had to rush. 

I had another race to attend in the evening. And why I ran two that day? For a whole few of reasons, but mainly I ran the trail to have excuses for the evening if I wouldn’t be fast enough. I definitely only wanted to run, and not being in place to stand on the podium again. I knew bro would be there, especially as a special guest and I wanted totally no encounter of a chance to meet in such circumstances. Fear no.2 was a complex fear: running in the night with headlamp, and running on a race we both ran. 

Cont. …

Speed work


Blast from the past and a wall to collapse. Long story cut short/fast.

I know for quite a few it’s no biggie go under 4min per K. And some I know it’s like a big dream, or something so ufo-ish. 

Well. It’s no biggie really.

And well, it’s a huge biggie really.

I ran 2:12 any given time on 800m when I was 17-that’s part of the story.

In 2015 I remember the exact day I went careless and all-smiles to the trail in the morning with the trail-boy. He wanted to impress and I thought was game. Up and down with no falls. Followed by a coffee and some work I felt restless and went to the fast lane of asphalt some hours later again with the trailboy. He needed a back challenge, I passed the trail test – or so I thought – he wanted to show off on asphalt too. Intervalls. The word so daring and fearing, never faced such since my restart of running of 2014. Had no clue on pace or lactate or anything less academic sound. Only 3×1000 he said, at 4min pace.

I started out of memory. Go hard, kill yourself kinda restless way. I ran 10k-s on a daily basis those days between 4:10-5 min pace, had no idea how hard I pushed anyways, had no watch, only my legs, amd my restlessness. Around 500 hundred I felt my legs go paralyzed, my thighs become like heavy elephant legs, but I could not let him win. We did a 3:55. I was dead. Casually told him I’m finished, little I knew I had finished with speed work for another year. I wanna enjoy running not die I said. And jogged the rest while he did his workout. 

Fastforward to 2017 midsummer night. 30k, 3 girls, 30 laps. 10x 1000m for each of us. And miracle happens really. Woke up that day  at 5:30 in the morning rushing to nrc running session as a work: 3x1000m at 4:20 with the squad, I thought well, this is me, even as a pacer, can’t do better nowadays, though I should pace at 4:30. Afternoon when the wind blew my mind I showed up to this evening fun race we originally took as a practice of intervalls and told my lovely lady mates my intention to actually dns the whole fun. But we are team I remembered and shot the fvck up  instead lined up to start.

Had no idea if I could make it, but eased myself saying I go for 5x, because I promised Cse we would run this together, he in Sopron, me in Buda running Pest. Live feeding.

There was this other team we went head in head. Flattered I always got the opportunity to catch the girl front of me and pass, the next two rounds they usually got back the lead, and again I had to chase back our first position. I ran hard. I ran my first 1000 at 3:50, and I knew this will kill me. Next I ran 3:48, for fvck sake I won’t make it to the end I thought there is 8 more rounds to go. 3rd 1k was 3:47, and I started to feel fear and so pissed, I can’t do this chasing forever. By my 4th round I got so pissed I ran a 3:44, and while I wanted to die all I could think of is a mix of Alexi+the speedy lady + the bro. Gosh, they are fast and I struggle I thought. But this time as it seemed I got such a gap between us on the 5th I finally started and finished on front as well, my mates probably just got as pissed as I was to run so fast. Discipline, courage and power- words I wish were part of the game but I just wanted to finish with my 10th and rest after. I ran 3:50-s and even a 3:55 for the 8th round, but guess what. 

I WAS FINALLY SO PROUD!

Went under 4min for all 10 repetition. And I know this couldn’t happen on an average intervall cause I’m such a spoiled whiner little thing, and without the other girl team, who I must honestly congratulate and thank for showing me the ability of my own boundaries to go over the edge when really needed. 

Guess what! I’m so proud AF of myself. Finally. Miracles happen. 

Body


It took me about a hundres years and not yet done with it…

We live in a world that encourages to feel good with ourselves. We get the quotes daily, the inspiration secondly or at least everytime getting on facebook or instagram.

See bodies we envy, look at pictures we just wish to be, perfectly shaped shapes, beautifully built bodies. And we go and do the same, run, plank, starve, burpee repeat. And still so far we envy. Not in specific order, and yes we are also told by the social media that it is ok to cheat. Cheat on an ice cream, a donut, in fact, we can have a huge pizza and feel no guilt further more pretend to be Karlie Klosses or any VS model you name. So we do that too, cause what not, it’s also motivational. 

Not.

Genetics. And self-esteem.

It took me a great deal of time to take off my shirt to run in runbra at 33 celsius and still had thought was heatshocked to do so. Why can’t I be happy with the body I own. Got no choice anyways. But to accept.

Being for a while on the olympian diet I call – latenight snacking on milka or homemade poppyseed cookies I love(d) and being a couchpotatoe I also loved with love – I couldn’t face the mirror for some time. Summer came, but summer body never arrived I got no confidence to go show-off with any less shirtless. 

I’ve been running for probably alltogether at least 15 years, for fun, but not in one time I dared to go runderwear proud and casual. I’d and have always felt awkward. 

But why o why? 

Ego on the run


Ego on the fly.

Summer I seem to run and live from race to race. Last 6 weeks contained 5 races all finished with something to be proud of if I could ever be proud. Unfortunately 4 out of the 5 was podium standing in the end but no satisfaction time-wise. The last one I was ok with my running-time, and that is just fine.

I go racing, it’s something to prep for couple of days earlier and a recovery a day after; I can make a week going and keep my mind being busy with this rather than other things while doing it. Some kind of a satisfaction to pretend I have an important task to do. 

But in reality it’s just an activity to blur out some heavy issues called life. Ego-game of a kind, although I don’t do it to please by congratulating myself after a succesfully finished race. I focus on the preparation the actual run and the post race melancholy all in combination, just to start over by the middle of the week with another challenge. New kind of calendar for me.

But in fact I should finally able ego to be ruined and rebuild from scratch. It’s been two years I was torn and totally bruised in real life, and yes that stamped my ego and my personality big time. It’s something inside of me that changed and my self-confidence just dissapeared, I thought I was finally accepted as I am, but in fact, and the hard truth is that I was accepted and appreciated actually up until the point when I finally believed I was loved as I am. But I wasn’t, it was only the ego of others. Running helped to heal, but ego got misguided and I seem to never find the way eversince nor could I make decent relationships with people ever since, I thought I gave myself, biz I only wished. The everydays are different, basically because I dare not to open up anymore as intense as I usually did. Self-confidence-less I believe people are not interested because I’m not interesting anyways. 

Lot of people I meet try to say otherwise. They like me for reasons I can’t see and believe in me and I rather go from race to race on weekends instead of actually sitting down and behave and believe I still can hive to others.  Both contain thinking time anyways and I prefer to do it while running. 

I like races. Small family day type races as well, no crowd and you actually can run on your own if you wish. That’s my purest state of form to enjoy myself. While suffering. Kind of ruining and building the ego on the go. And I think while I don’t have to think. That’s is really up to the runner, in this case me. It’s a combination of joy and struggle, when I get lost in thoughts rather than being present in the run is when getting the flow, and that perfectly works with little races where the time does not matter, only the run itself. Though, I don’t think I ever went no-racing on a race except when paced J at midnight half where I get the cheer from a stranger I so wanted to het to know closer auuw, but than again it’s a constant thinking cheering and pushing the other; pacing is about the other. So while I run and usually push I prefer to get lost against the flow, but these could be only moments before realizing I either lost pace or in pace or even too fast. 

But I guess I just prefer to jump from thought to thought; in real life too. That is why I probably cannot be able to ruin and dress down my already ruined ego to rebuild it, because I lose creativity by jumping to another subject.

I had a big conversation yesterday with someone I don’t really know. I sometimes can open up to real strangers who actually have the vibe and athmosphere to do so. Telling him and he telling me about rather discreet topics are fun. And sometimes get a good advise. You come from different lifestlye, the only common is the love for the run and a new perspective can heal the soul actually, momentarely. He said a coelho without the monumental drums or well chosen words. 

Whatever belongs to you will belong for the rest of your life, even if you seem to lose it or get distanced for a while. Something like that. And also said that what I think and believe is what I express to the outside with no words. Nothing new, but I needed this reminder. Ego can go a fvck itself. If I can lose contact with it in a race I should be able to do it on a lifelong marathon as well. Keeping the sprints and the controll which is needed for and to the red carpet in my oval office, and rather make my life as a long long run. Sometimes, like nowadays I hit the marathon wall, but that is something to overcome on the long run. With so much love on my heart I should be able to do it, no matter who pushed me off the track two years ago, maybe it was me, for sure it was me for letting myself to be pushed anyways. 

Off running

Possibly the most beautiful shoes off and on running.

I managed to unpack some summer shoes -not pictured- after the move almost a year ago. Those nude gucci ballerinas so simple so soft, still it bruises my feet the first time I every year. But off running time.

I realized I’ve been wearing sneakers year around, to work with tuxedo pants, to dinners with lbd-s, to basically anywhere. Pretty comfy and I guess I’m just getting older – I tell myself it’s a style though- to care to go high heels all evenings, not to mentions day light workable stilletos. No way. I’m a runner. 

Sandals are ok, though I’m still a runner, toes can go insanely unatractive after a marathon. Not to mention runtans, which makes the whole feet totally white from the sockline down. Style. Yiha. I’m fine with sneakers and kicks. Whites mainly, and a pink one in mind still I’ve (we) found in Berlin. Also, my daughter just told me after a barefeet day running around the beach, her towa start to look like mine. It wasn’t a compliment.

But I was off to a fashion party, which basically rules out a nude gucci ballerina anyways, it’s either ss17 which is bright as a parrot or rather go barefoot. I went angiejolie style and gave no fvck to ss17 or even further trends. Being no trend but rather trendsetter. 

I was shocked. Not of the crowd and the nightlife I’m so out of lately, but shocked of myself being distanced so much of these people lately. I used to hang out with them, day and night, we knew all Vogue’s edition page by page on memory, recalling years and even months mentioning just an editorial with this and that model. I casually sip on my champagne and wonder whether I’d missed the milleuo at all. Surprise to see some old time friends, we hug or pretend to hug while observing each other’s outfit guessing or knowing the labels already just by the fabric we touched while hugging. I move from the bar to the side, cheerfully waving to the marketing director of Nike, well I knew she was part of the fashions crowd of the city anyways. I see or more precisely hear the Gourmet guy, he talks and talks as usual, well, we generally meet in shorts and tanktops when runchat the trail, I move even more to the side to inspecting mode. Champagne just doesn’t do the work, no-chatter me mood. Peeps come and go, social butterflies, we talk a bit about bra vs no bra, and how you can tell who is from the art side of fashion- no bra obviously- or the business side -bra, fortunately no silicon strings in sight anymore. We talk running shoes, though from the aesthetic side of it. I missed couple of years of hanging out with them on the daily basis and I can tell; I have a run early in the morning and seriously I’m tired and wonder my scar caused by the non-sneaker will I be able to wear my flyknit racers the next day. It suddenly hits how my lifestyle changed and changes on the spot, and I realize I’m not even tipsy from the champagne nor that I want to drink any more of it.

Is it the day or have I actually stopped being spontan along the road to prepping for races instead of just say yes to a night to dance away on the fly? Probably both. I still could go menace any given night – see halfmarathon/hangover relay just a week ago – for the rhytm and the good sound, but sometimes I just turn old and boring and wish for a bed. Actually when I was an active social butterfly and owned the night I also wished for a bed usually.

I kill my legs the rest of the week but no dancing involved and soon I happen to be at the start-line of a halfmarathon at 4:30 am Sunday early. The course I know by heart, running the almost same on Ultrabalaton I wish for a windless chill summer morning, still hot but the sun not yet burns. It turns out superwindy chilly and me being utterly sick from the fritto di mare I ate for lunch for saturday casually feel like a square beton in my stomach. Gotta be smarter with fueling I keep saying myself. We start almost on time and this lady just rushes away from everyone in no second. I already give up on pushing it way too much to handle the mind – food, wind, WIND and flashbacks from the ultrabalaton from the fast guys’ biker encouraging me to never give up on elevation, the cheers I got running against the wind, etc. After 3km all I see in the front is the motorcycle showing me (!!!) the way. He goes away, later waits on me, and I wonder what’s better, being 5 meters behind him smelling the gasoline and him talking how good I run while I actually struggle and curse loudly about the wind, the elevation, the smell and the actual being there at 5am, what was I thinking running a half marathon with tired legs and no sleep. I also feel enormously lonely and calm on the road, it’s beautiful really, the view of nature and little towns along our way, no cars, way too early for any earlybirds even, it’s only me, wonder on how someone, like bro usually see this, runners in front have this privilege only, mainly men, except on women races. I also wonder where the men are actually? I don’t run that fast at all, especially uphill, dare not to look back but I hear no footsteps either. I can’t possibly win this race in absolute category, though never was interested in places rather the chrono. This is a small little race and I love it, but there should be some fast men around. At 17k the course slightly starts to go down, and that is when the first steps I finally hear from the back and soon passing me. I kinda feel I go fast, easy downhill something like a well deserved price for the ups, I check my watch, under 4min pace, feel it in my legs, the guy and two more easily come front of me still. They are fast I think and wonder what did they do on the uphill part and why haven’t they passed me earlier. The girl who junped out of start is nowhere found, we have our breakfast omlette all eaten when she hits finishline. I congratulate myself on my tactical not to chase her in the beginning. 

Wind would not stop and my daughter lines up to start as well. She looks anxious and I feel she is worried. Her first ever race, and in fact I’m so anxious excited for her as well. 800m-s course she starts with the tongue sticking out of her bright smiled mouth, she runs ok, breathing heavily after a while. She feels like stopping so I keep cheering next to her when she all of a sudden changes rhythm and starts flying. We do that couple of times before the finish -intervalls or what –  and I’m so proud, she did it. I love how kids just do it, even more so, they just fly when they want. Powers hidden come front and swoosh they just run. 

Podium time comes after and I almost cry how the kids are so openchested proud accepting their win. All kids receive a goodie bag, and seeing my girl tightly holding her paperbag full of haribo and cookies I smile. She is just awesome, and the organizers are the most special kind of supporters. It was such a fun race and a good morning.

Riding back to our accomodation I tell my daughter that we go for a breakfast. She looks at me surprised: lunch you mean? Or is it still morning? It’s only 9am I tell her she looks puzzled and we burst out of laugh. Done a halfM and a kids race by 9 and we still have the rest of the day. Let’s go back to sleep I try, but NOT. 

Off running. In my ballerinas – if I had it with me, sneakers on instead. Day contains some swimming and biking for the daughter and I explain what is triathlon to her.

Weekend is over.

Summer


Summer. So much I was waiting for and there it is here and now. It’s summer dress and splitwise shorts time already but I just seem to keep waiting on the summer.

However it might have had arrived yesterday. Early enough to not already sweating by the warm up I ran after a sleepless night to the merting point of the session. I couldn’t sleep perhaps because it is already one of those summernights when the air just stops at 24 degrees and it’s just not cold enough to go to sleep. Instead flashbacking those supercild winter nights when was paralized under my sheets being so freezed. It wasn’t good but it was really good. I finally found myself asleep at 4, only to wake up to the alarm I accidentally set an hour before it was necessary. That gave me the chance to take the warmup really slow, I knew I won’t have to rush to make it on point.

It was a progress speed workout planned. For the others. I told already I would only run the 3k with them and just do my own thing instead of the following 2 and 1 k.

Chosing the fast track of the island’s running routes another flashback came from almost a year ago, the last time I ran the road -exclusively reserved for public transportation buses and pro-s, and well, we did run there as well so to avoid the passing and slaloming the casual runners on the running path- , it was another progress run with coach 3x2k increasing speed and I just hated it, so much I kept screaming and whining all the way while he pushed me through the struggle encouraging me while running easily about 3 meters front of me. 

We started. Way too fast just to realize that is why I stopped running with these guys, they go alfa machos when it comes to intervalls. I let them go -they starting at 3:30, me at 3:50, way too fast still-, but around 1 k they hit their wall and I caught up with them.

Wow, I still enjoyed at 2k, in fact I felt some power coming into my body. Seriously surprised, I passed coach at 2,5 and finished easy, no heavy breathing, thighs still not burned. Really? I thought I should just do the rest. I mean 2k is challenging, and in fact faster, but after that only a 1k left. I decided to go 2k at a relatively fast pace but don’t think of the progress, that just makes me anxious.

I passed coach at 500 asked him if he was ok, but he was not, he said he lost the mind game but I should keep going. While I started to feel the thighs finally and my breathing got heavier too I realized it was probably me why coach gave up. I usually or more precisely never ever beat him on any speed sessions, nor could I keep up with anyone in fact. Because I’m just not willing to. I keep myself to push on races instead of workouts, but I also believe I can’t be faster than them anyways. Though I usually go faster than them on races. I passed another one. Than 2k was over. This one I felt, was harder, but only 1 k to go. 

And that went at 3:50, which isn’t a big deal, just a year ago I ran many 10×1000 in better pace, but that I felt proud of. Especially cause previously I ran a tempo 3 and 2 k which I never ever do, well tried but always managed to give up. 

Coold down my legs were supertired. But I did it. 

What a difference a run makes. 

I’m so glad summer arrived.

And today, with the faster ones we did a recovery type of 10k, some speeded some less speeded. We went at 4:30 average, and I really thought I speeded like hell, amd went menace. Was proud again. 

What difference another run makes. With no flashbacks this time. Or maybe some daydreaming on thw way along. I’m so glad we can go the fast lane finally again on the island, with no hiccups -twisting the ankles due to the asphalt’s fault. 

After an hour I met R, for a slow lap.

That was hard, it was really slow, but my legs probably needed some cool down anyways.

But that run was needed too. Because she is finally back in town! 

What a difference being in the same timezone makes.

Power


Got the vibes? Something to go on with. 

Goals and dreams everywhere to achieve, with not one in sight it is pretty much a nihil.

I told after my first marathon, never ever, later after running a massive -15 minutes PB, a 3:15 I thought I’m ok with that no more chasing the chrono. 3:08 twice just got me closer to breaking3. So unbelievable far. Like the previous milestones I had.

Like everything in life seemed far to achieve, and when it happened it was a huh, ok, done it. What’s next? Like I want a sibling to my daughter, for quite a while now, in the beginning it was like no ducking way, never ever the pain of labor. Or I want to be happy, like happyhappy, like making others happy that makes me happy that goes on and on and on and my daughter would be happy to have a little bro or sis. And I want a sub3 marathon. I’m not sure which one is the hardest to actually accomplish. Easiest at first seems the breaking3, break my own barrier, than of course I stop chasing the time. 

Marathon. Where anything can and would happen. And in the end? It’s just a 42.195 km. But that’s the end. How much time, effort and power you need?

I need. A marathoner needs. Will it make me finally happy in running terms creating the vibe and hype that it would affect my everyday life? And for how long? A week or so? Will I be able to share my happiness with anyone or keep it to myself. But than again, what’s the use of not sharing being happy.

Power. In a marathon anything could happen. Mind-, soul-, body-game can take over the whole, or just part. 

In Sunday I ran my first ever 7k race just under 4min pace, well, only my watch that accounted for it, all apps made it a 4min flat, so close this sub4 technical devices took away the pride by going 4min. I was first happy, wasn’t even sure at start I will manage to take a step. Felt so dizzy, threw up overnight twice, it felt like I go preggo, but it was the mexican food and the glasses of wine probably. Warm up seemed essential, and I ran my part of the halfmarathon relay. I was happy.

At first. Because again, who to share it with, my happiness, second: I was able to run almost as fast as this in Garda for a whole half marathon. Power. 

All I can think of is breaking3 and to share my happiness of actually breaking it.

Why do we create goals and dreams to go on with? Is it me only or everyone is to share the vibes that comes from it. Why take it so serious? Like accounting on based how happy can you make the others? Not by running, by existing by being on the side by being there. By living. I feel horrible I could not make someone happy and therefore a whole. To minimize the frustration: a base of a human being. And why I take it as my own failure? 

Cause I care. I fvcking care unfortunately, it’s beyond and over of my own ego, though my ego is based on having happy ones around me and that’s than an equation on a total selfish, egoish. Wtf.

Power. To overcome the walls in life and marathons. Mantra it over and over. 

Power of sharing.