Tapering and co

   

    

When one must only think of the forthcoming event. When suddenly the mind game needs to be taken seriously, when the unanswered needs to seeked in answers, although cannot be answered. Metaphors overload.

The why-s.

Why to take such a challange? Why did I loose my sense and said yes to something so painful? 

The how-s.

How on Earth did this happen? And since it happened, how will I deal with it. How to be more powerful and at the same time cheerful too? How will I ever be happy about myself and how will it go? 

The when-s.

When will I get enough? And when will I get calm?

The what-s.

What is with running to have such an effect on me and in fact so many others? What makes it so addictive for me?

Tapering. 

D-6 and I cannot rest. I’m anxious and I’m worried. But I’m also tired and also super ready and full of power. I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m definitely not an adult, I’m a moody little school girl with so much emotions I sometime think I cannot handle. So I run. But emotions brought up in running cannot be handled with running, or can it? So I run. I sometimes wish to runaway from this world, the mirror I need to face and I don’t like the one looking back at me. I wish to cry so I run. But I just laugh so I run. Do I love to run so I run?

Do I love running?

I miss it when I don’t, but is that loving running at the same time? Tapering can be moody and experimentative, but I cannot just run. To overcome. Things needs to be looked through and analysed. Even nonsense matters in order to make sense. But does everything needs to make sense at all? Like why enter a race to run over a hundred km-s? It doesn’t make sense.

Pressure is on on so many dimensions. I’m fortunately not the one posting with proud and looking for likes, my challenges I partake all over the world, but nontheless quite some people know about my next big one to run. They are even if not telling expect something or at least have an opinion about it. Is it a prove to them if I/we finish? Not so much, but if I/We quit, they will once again have a word on their opinion, at least how sorry they feel, or something. I don’t care about that, but to face anything less than not finishing is a pressure on myself I have to deal with myself. Pressure to finish, but what is the gain when achieved? i will know more about myself? Or simply get to the same state of mind as usual after a marathon that there is more in me. Even if crying at the finishline. Do i prove anything to myself? Pressure to deal with tapering, which in one hand takes off the pressure of the body but gives an enormous thinking phrase especially since I experienced a way of being ready for a race not long ago vs. completely fooling my mind to be ready on previous races. They say I’m tough and strong both in body and mind to race. But I know better, I know myself or so I think. I know how I go run when problems stack up or out of oure happiness, or going insane thinking and overthinking on one specific topic. This time, running which I overthink and I’m not allowed nor that I want to jeopardize the race with running away to run. Pressure to not face this all alone, knowing my own limits, my own ways. We are two this time, and we must listen and build each other. I gotta keep up for the other, built his confidence meaning hide my doubts.

When in university, mid-terms and exam periods were all about questioning myself on all levels, but never achieved to fully set my mind on studying. I was in crisis all the time, but also seeked for crisis, could not function without. And I hated crisis. I know that about myself and I know I need to loose the habit. Do not seek problems to avoid deep mind games throughout tapering. Accepting the little voice pro and against is almost if not harder than the physical preparation for the race. My currnt state of mind… Is it real or just taking the pressure off of the race. Do I really feel sad and down?

Like I wanted to be alone but could never be alone. To face my own thoughts, was always easier to be around other people with other problems. Not that I had any other than myself. And this is how I found even more to worry about, and question myself even more. 

Pressure on everything. Eating, not eating, running, no running, talk to someone, or don’t bother. Be nice, or just pretend to be nice, or even better, don’t give a shit and just focus on myself. People, who just ping, who I don’t know and even though thought would be interesting to talk to, but than I rather not. Boring. This only to avoid the real feelings faced, the real meanings to understand, though these are nonsense, feelings cannot be logically explained. Just happen. The over feeling of love towards people who are around, to press to feel less love perhaps to one, because it is too much to handle. Who do I fool really?

I’m preparing. In so many ways. Running plan, mind to direct focusing mode, eating, but also to build the other if I cannot focus on myself and becuase we are two in this, because this is how I am, and I wish others would be the same. Or not. I prepare mini things to make it major and better throughout the race. I want to make the best out of it, because as soon as it ends it only will remain a memory, no more. 

Races are different than real life. In real there are things harsh ones remain and have to be dealt with prolonged. Race can be taken away in the memorylane and be replaced with the next one. In my life there are things that just cannot simply be replaced. Nor people. People saying or not even saying goodbye are a loss and their absence creates crisis in terms of self acknowledgment as well, though this is the least important aspect of it. I terribly miss my grandma, but the way I miss her is such a small aspect comparing how I remember her and how she really was… Going off topic, though not in fact. 

There are some people around me I feel so much love towards and I cannot express in fact I act unnice, bothered, arrogant sometimes ignorant. Than I feel the guilt and try to act better next time just to feel the same once again, running in circles. Loved ones new and old. Too much to handle but wish friendships could ease the pressure, to keep in touch forever. Be the special, whatever.

Tapering begun, and thoughts are to be dealt with. 

Love running and perhaps my endurance and power is really coming from the way I love in general. Born to run quote above. And that is building my confidence. Level to start with… Six days to go.

Advertisements

Story of my life

   

 One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. This philosophy fitted on to my early adult life, when I saw the improbable, the implausible, often the “impossible,” come true. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Selfesteem issues.

Feeling monday-ish.

Smile so smile

There is an issue with my vibe. Serious, although I look funny, but it is Monday, that time of the week. Also happens to be a rest day regard to the running plan I don’t tend to follow due to the fact that being spontaneous is fun, and I like to be fun and spontaneous, and I don’t even know when and where this sentence will finish, but least put an end to it. Doesn’t make sense anyways. 

I keep thinking of our big run around the corner with someone with a new addiction to running but keeping own life following the routines what life requires and we think require and we believe in ourselves in times and sime when not, like we are running but also drink and also smoke and also work but most importantly being parents and have our lives. How will it effect our future if and we do finish this race that hardly matters to outsiders such as our partners or the ones we are living with. 

I also think of big friendships developed thru my running – not vallis alps thru ones -, the ones really matter, which brings inspiration to the mind turning legs into motion, the ones I can call now up or they can reach me with non-run related issues, problems, crisises. Girls and boys too. Emotional. And there are some more important ones from the circle the ones wish to be friends instead. Would have been simpler and probably better, at least I would feel worth.

When I don’t think alone I’m usually around people. Feeling low or high, usually the latter, social personalisification I seem to smile extraordinary when someone is around me, the more the better way, exponentially, perhaps the reason why people are attracted, the ones actually take notice, others look thru me, the vallis alps kinda way. Not really, it is either attraction or repulsion, nothing in between black and white with no grey in between.

Overreacting magnet inside and out, though outside must seem different. Like a man on its bike with a basket in front with the cutest puppy in, or driving a volskwagen type one, an oldtimer mini or a fiat 500. Brings smile to the most sorrow people too, although the object, the biker the mini driver might not be in their perfectest amelie kinda mood, and won’t react to the happy faces they bring into people’s mind at first sight. Do people care? Do they even realize, the one brings the brief smile to the face might have its own problems, issues of life? 

I do smile, and I do work on others to smile on, because this makes me smile too. Smile is metaphorical, goodfeel is the goal to achieve. I probably overreact on my own effect on others, though I have no proof, I like to believe I make other feel better in times. However, life is not always bright, and power looses its effect when reaction towards fail to arrive to its subscriber. Because it is not what they are willing to see, the one always seem happy enough to make the other cheer up cannot be low on mood, therefore not willing to accept the fact that sometimes the party clown needs some cheering up attention and mood rising push. 

Pretty confusing to understand an  individual built up of emotions, little bit of selfesteem with the knowledge of the affect having on others simply by being alive. Schizofrenic in a way, bipolar the other way, maniac depressed the time feeling the worst. Mondays. Others tend not to take notice when reaching out for a nice talk, a serious one where real thoughts could evolve, they rather dissapear, hard to realize, that a mini driver can feel bad at times too. They suppose to make our lifes brightful for a second not to turn us down.

Mondays seem thoughtful and a bit dark lately. Thoughts evolve, absence starts to be overstated, self esterm immediately drops. It is good to have some important ones really know the true self in these times for a reach out, though Amelie also seemed not to have any close nor real friends only the ones relied on her. But in the other hand everyone has their own issues and problems, why tiring them with small little matters, like being heartbroken, left out, or just simply feeling fat. 

Writing out is one way and I like to write, though once again this is noone’s business, especially the one causing it, please stop reading. Words are just spreading anyways, no sense but also wish for no sensibility. 

I wish life was easier, less hues, less saturated, perhaps black and white. Like turn off and on a button if needed. Shut it down or just sleep mode. I do not believe nor can I achieve turning off. Mute, with no picture on.

I started this whole running to finally be alone to be myself, to be. Not to listen not to react not to immediately try to save the world or at least the person accompanying volunterally to be a so called friend, a partner, anyone who just needs to suck out some liveliness from me to feel better. Perhaps I’m too selfish to keep some power to myself, not willing to give to others and feel like a balloon with all the air spreading out just a brief second to jump around in the air seem happily. I thought run would help to achieve my own percect calmness. 

But I became a balloon in the running society as well, I first let someone blow me up in order to release me just a brief second later, giving some excitement to them with either being a helium version and suck on it, breathe in and keep in for a while, or the one pumped up with air, dropping it causes an enormous power releasing itself than at finally drop airless and powerless on the ground. That was it folks kinda way, you had your fun it is time to move on. 

And I am left behind, on the floor like any given Monday, just to squeeze myself back up the next day and start running the same circles. 

So ordinary no ordinary in any ways. 

I’m proud to be different and I’m proud to be crazy and I like to cheer people up. I like to run and I love in fact, I’m ok to be called addicted, and to be sensitive. I like to write it out, and if someone can just throw me away that is ok as well, I will survive. If I meant that much I accept, good to have in someone’s mind for a bright, might be to bright for a second or less. There are the Mondays when I think it must be a full moon feeling so extremely lowish but people around me who don’t know me give the power to overcome, and running gives happiness. 

Faking the smile, although I do sometimes but it is not me, however reaction also works on my side too, I’m the kinda mini driver who gets a smile from a passing by pedestrian makes me feel better too, so this is why although I run to be alone I run in groups. 
Ps. And fvck you really to throw me away like trash, saying it is worthless, keep ur ego, all it mattered anyways. And thank you my girl to listen my pain and doubts over and over again. 

Playground

  
Running.

It’s a playground out there, fill myself up with the run, in wind in cold, no matter the circumstances, harsh out there, playing tactical, racing myself, pushing some limits, only to realize my own worst enemy is to play the tactical playground. 

The city where I don’t mind the wind, the cold. For a brief moment I put on a smile while fighting with the hazelrain and the wind against and dare to show the teeth to the cold, I even sound like laughing, but in fact I’m thinking … To be there and to show it, the places, the athmosphere, the life which fills me up, although I’m ever so tired and sad. But the moment, when the smile came up to my face I realize the perfect moment never if ever to come true, I still smile, I still laugh. Brief and honest and beautiful. It is a playground out there, and I cannot play along if tactical and even logical thinking is involved. I play serious on emotions, I always did, and I will always do. 

On the way back home we accidentally run into each other I daydream, and in fact I do meet up with someone I know from running. I feel human, and I read some texts from the past just to drop the stone, though I can’t keep with reading words were heavy and beautiful now turned silence or even worse, empty words. My luck. 

Me, myself and I won’t let myself down, whatever however whoever can think whatever about me, I know I feel and this is what I will never ever regret. Being me. And playing myself. 

Accepting the terms and conditions as it is, warm heart I proudly present and keep on running. 

Because running makes partly who I am not obsessively but pretty addictively, additionally to something I would like to take care if and that is myself. #melearning

Days come and go, mood rise and shine just to turn blue or even grey the next moment, but this is what it is called life. Playing no playing here, I feel love and I guess this makes me alive, and although it is tough sometimes, I am greatful for that even when I cry. Because deep inside it is still a smile, for what I am, and I’m thankful for that. And seriously I try not to give a shit what others think. Confidence is something I won’t ever own, building myself up therefore is hard, and feeling lost makes me emptied too, although I just said I’m fine, I guess not, there should be a button I could switch and change the mood. Anytime.

But I’m fine too surprisingly, Fine/NotFine at the same time, parts are ok, partially working, parts are devastatingly awful, but I guess it could be worse. Running makes me beautiful and beautifully tired. Running makes me cry, so much to swallow on the salty water along the way, and those are not sweat, those are tears, the ones come with the moments of getoverit, but I just can’t and won’t because I love. Not like getting into the finishline only, nor the rundorphins that play around, not for a brief moment, before already starting on thinking the next race and the next pace. Not like being a butterfly flying from one shoulder to another. It is permament, … when you find your inner peace, only in this case, no peace involved. And there is no finishline.

Fighting with ever emerging thoughts whether it really worth it, the question and its object remains, but the answer might not be as important at all, being honest to myself it is ok to feel and it is  even better if not the best to feel so much. 

I’m not playing around. Fvck it. 

Meanwhile I’m munching and enjoying on some Godiva squares I had to buy at least for the good old times of the Amsterdam feeling. 

And now I’m back in the hoods.

Personal wake up call

Processed with VSCOcam with g3 preset

Sunday evening when so tired you cannot go to sleep. Midnight smoke and reading on the terrace, bared legged, though it isn’t so warm. Just for a bit to ease the day’s tiredness, considering that morning was far away, and far the nicest surprise-wise. Seriously. When dream come true kinda way, but this time it really came true.
Sunday night when the heart rate is high while resting. No rest, that it what it is called. But finally squeezing some sleep in.
Monday, still holiday. Wakening up with a personal alarm going off. And this is not that kind of alarm, the chime one which just keeps bugging, it is the nice and gentle alarm. The one where it is just nice to be awake to. Not really awakening though. Just a reminder to feel the presence, to keep in reading.
And go for a run. Alone but not lonely.

Even when the watch cannot find the gps, the earphones found in the mess, called home, this time literally – spring cleaning postponed – having short strings, and always drops out of the left ear. So I give up on listening any music, just run. And keep on dreaming, realizing it is for real. In some way, the way it feels good and its ok. Soon totally lost in thoughts and smiles, I just go on. Early runners passing, I seem to be comparing myself to them, I seem to be awkward running. Like no style, just moving, which feels good, no photographers around. Hah.
Weather still chilly I must look tired, I still feel full of the food and drinks from yesterday.
But all these don’t matter, I’m calm, and already had the words in mind for today’s IG post. Satisfied with it, pretty creative and meaningfull who needs to understand.
I keep on running. I keep on dreaming. I keep on loving. I keep enjoying. I keep on.
Morning fun.
Some more runners pass. Me deep in myself, I even forget to say hi, which I always do. I like to greet anyone making it out to the roads so early. Smiling too. We are family of a sort.
Crazy morning runners.
Still running, still a bit chilly, legs are tired.
And than someone not even says hi, but calls my name. Jumping back to life, I hate these moments when you all of a sudden have to talk.
Haven’t talked to anyone yet -out loud -, how my voice gonna be. But who is this guy anyways.
He is superexcited, I try to catch up, putting a mask on immediately, I wonder why I always do that.
He says I haven’t changed a thing, when was this we met last time, like 15 years? Still don’t know his name, nor him.
But all of a sudden I remember him taught by my dad, a bit older like one or two years. Last time I met him was on the metro, i got on and he pretended he didn’t recognize me. Couple of weeks later he wrote me a mail apologizing. I don’t think I ever talked to him anymore. Ignore not so much, just didn’t care. He had big blue eyes. Today his eyes were grey. Probably the years that passed by.
He is training for the ironman – this I can hardly hear, it is cold, but I’m not there, I’m back to my me-time, noone can take it from me. He keeps talking, I keep smiling, hope he is not saying something serious.
I tell him, I’m cold but in reality I want to go back to my perfect morning, he keeps saying how skinny my legs are, and wow-ing like every five seconds.
I finally say hello and pick up the tempo.
And soon I’m back to where I was. Took of my mask and keep smiling. Honestly and freely.

And I’m pretty sure he will friend me by the time I get home on facebook.

And by the time I get home, he does.

And I laugh.
And care not.

I reread the blog post and still smile.
Cause I care. For that.

F r a g i l e

IMG_6893

It must be post marathon blues of a kind. Taking the day off, the mind cannot rest.
Something you wish for realistically cannot happen, and that is just too hard to cope with. Too hard to understand that moving mountains in terms of being able to understand my own body my own strength by running a lot of miles, with such easyness, there are other things you cannot really have an effect on. Life being gentle and calm otherwise, but it is me who cannot calm down. It is me, who seeks for the perfect happiness, the world where I can be myself, with no make up and diverse characters on.
Challenge of the mind. Bodylearning.

Living the life the fullest for me means no pretending, being honest, and say out loud what I think, caring little over the consequences. Reading minds, or perhaps talk honestly to each other. I’ve been to stages where I cared to act socially acceptable normal, however being selfish is not my thing in terms of thinking of myself only.
I look at my daughter, she is laughing and she is happy, in fact other parents and nursery teachers tell me they never saw a happier kid in their life before, and this makes me proud. Want her to stay like this, if she is willing to of course, it is her life. But this makes me also super insecure, because I know, she is happy because I’m happy, or at least partially I have an effect on her, so I need to keep being happy and secured of myself. When I run, I usually know my limits, I know how to secure my happiness on the road, not too much overpushing myself. But in real life I’m really hard on myself, and really push to reach my own standards and my own dreams. I seem pretty strong and straightforward to strangers and the ones I work with. No surprise being a producer I seem tough. Same with running. I look tough, although I play on the safe side. I push myself hard as long as it feels good, funny side of life this still makes me stand out of the average crowd. Not really though. If I pushed harder, probably better results would come, but the joy might be gone and it might would hurt too. However, behind my strong outlook with the famous killer jawline like Kate Moss, a supersensitive soul rests. Which never rests. Always doubting on my own ability and my own power, and my own being. However I can analyse and in fact I also know the terms of my state of mind – luck of a psychologist – I’m not good to act accordingly. I understand but do not understand myself, or not willing to.

Therefore I run, and give advice to others.

I’m a social person outside, the one always stands out in the crowd, though not on purpose. I drink, but I can be drunk with no alcohol in no time too, if I’m happy and perhaps in love. Or feeling loved. I’m also a rollercoaster, with ups and downs. I probably overreact mora times than not.

I found running was the most honest thing I can do to myself, as being totally me. However, what it is still me, the socially active me with a lot of doubts.

Healthy eating

IMG_6093.JPG

I don’t only run l also eat as well. In fact l eat quite an amount, though basically major intake comes once the sun sets. Baaad girl.
Eating healthy is important, just as cruel as the running itself.
Lately, l don’t feel good in my own body, and perhaps it has something to do with my routine of eating habits. In fact, the no routine whatsoever.
I don’t eat meat. I don’t eat pasta, unless it is associated with a party, like carbofueling pre marathon race. I don’t eat potatoe, unless it is vacation time on the Maldives, and it comes as french fries. Bah, l so hate fries after eating so much.
I do eat a lot of cheese ( cheese with cheese and some cheese with prosecco for the late night dinners), fruits, and some greens in the form of salad. This is good. And l like it too.
But usually during office hours its all about snacking on oreos and co. Yak. With some coffee to go. And some diet coke. Yak yak big time.
Although, today was different. We were shooting a short movie with some major fruit basket and the leftovers were put out to our bar. Looked so pretty, and l had to realize, it also tastes good.
The company also invested into a fruitjuicer, perhaps we runners are taking over the majority of the firm.
I was so glad to eat semi healthy during the day, however l could not give up on the coffee and the diet coke.

Still, progress is in sight, and l opt for the happy healthy foods if anyone asks me. Ever:).

Viva la fruits!
Almost feels like spring too.

Moving on

IMG_2755.JPG

___________________________________

From MOVEMBER to DOCEMBER
____________________________________

November was happy, sometimes sad, or even sadder. I ran two marathons: one in the beginning and one in the end. I ran a PB and I ran an easy peasy one. Both were super cold, and full of feelings. New York I so so miss, and hate the fact, that dealing with the elements I really wished to enjoy more. But at least to live the moment, which I forgot that time. I was so occupied, I was so somewhere else … probably shouldn’t – the only regret of the month.

I already want to go back, although I so hated the run, I so hated crossing the finish line being cold, I couldn’t even talk on the phone. And perhaps I shouldn’t anyways. Dream come true New York I so wished for, and I so messed it up, because of me. Running a PB gave no hapiness either.

Never really feeling sorry for myself, I hit the wall as usual around 35, and probably that is where I should pushed myself.
Same happened on the end of month marathon. Gerilla Marathon,
organized by kvazibarki crew, I once again felt the need to feel sorry for myself around 35.

I’m 35 coincidentally, but I cannot, and won’t ever feel sorry for myself. I push hard, and I set my own limits, usually on the edge, and l cry too, oversensitivity meets harsh character but this is why I am who I am.

For a brief encounter called November my ME run felt interrupted, the calmness, and highness running gives me was taken away from me, however I was the one choosing this path. But it is fun to run in crew, especially in this crew, and although things are changing, crewlove remains.

Moving on to December, with the weather and personalities getting colder, I wish to run, no matter the circumstances. Because it should be fun after all. Get on DOcember.