S p e e d

 
Braingame on

about speed training, not for me, I said no thank you.

The reason I stopped my pro athlete life.

The track, the intervalls, the fartlek. Fvck me. I’m no game.

But today was finally the day to begin with. I’ve been pacing/coaching speed training for about two months on Nike wednesdays official, I enjoy it, as I don’t die in it, trying not to sound too pompously big-headed but heartrate never go above 90, this probably says it all.

__________________________
2x 4x 800 – 500/300 – 3:50/5:10/k
warmup and some cooldown at 5:20
Total of 15km
After morning 10km at 5 min/km average
__________________________

I already had big battle in the mind by the morning, I was gonna fight it alone I thought but than again I’m not powerful enough. Me against myself. I’ve been there done that kind of way the little voice tells me over and over again. 

Setting up a rundate so my struggles would be voiced out loud if needed, not that I would not talk and scream to and with myself id I ran this alone.
But running with a Kosovo veteran gave me extra issues to deal with, socializing above all. I do easily run with M anytime, easygoing we are getting like besties lately, or the ultratrailboy, though I tended to always give up the serious work with him, or the superfast talking daddy, or anyone I used to and still run nowadays. The Veteran is different however. Getting to know his story of life made me feel insecure in terms of wow effect, could so easily talk to him before, now feeling a little spoiled blond next to him, makes the words come out harder. His life is a novel id not a bestseller book itself, and I always thought my life was full of ups and downs and miseries, n o t ….

It is only run I eased myself all the way, but it wasn’t just an ordinary run.

It was speed work, fartlek, I hate so much. I was so anxious like I was pre any races I really went out for. Berlin my first, NY where I thought I would be flown away by the wind, Nagoya, where I was running with the smile hut still nervous pre start. 
My first serious fartlek session after 18 years and just one day after I got a phonecall from my old pro life’s old coach if I wanted to join my old crew to finally take it serious. I told him I would think about it, feeling flattered, him knowing the answer is a no, but seriously I wish I could so his practice on am everyday…
I wish I took some Xanax I was so intensely nervous. 

Less than an hour and a half of practice I kept calming myself. I would probably gave up anyways without the Veteran, but after the session i was rebirn and feeling full if not the fullest after so many days of lowness. 
I know I will try to find excuses to drop out of any speed trains, to avoid serious workouts, but I would never ever miss the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. The really worth it feeling. 

I’m so overly excited and happy to be able to do what was told to do! I fvcking did it, and I’m so proud! 

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Post

 Just exactly by the time reaching one thousand followers I questioned the whole purpose of posting my days and runs. The reasons I was looking for. 

Somewhere somehow some motivational loss raised the flag for the whys. But than again, it just feels good when a company head sending me a message that someone sends her kisses from Berlin. Someone I’ve never met, nor really talked to ever. And then she just meets this hungarian man on an event and asks whether he knows me, and it just happens like that; sending hugs – stages of connection worldwide. Feels special.  Just a girl I’ve known from IG, a girl with whom we are active followers of each other for months. We encourage and cheer for each other through our posts, we get to know each other while commenting with emojis. Not unordinary, IG grabs us together with many. 

And my posts are all about this, getting together and meeting peeps with the same interest trough social media, in my POV.

Morning running with another girl met trough SM than in social runs, we are discussing the same. Running buddies we call the ones actually had met and talked more than ten sentences. This lady part of the Gökotta girls, a crew who made it from running buddies to tight friendship just to fight over an ultra relay and leave all the ‘women with vision’ movement and talk to each other no more. Me, being the bridge between the two parties, talk to all of them, I miss their togetherness, their girlpower full of encouragings. I miss their crew photos on IG. They still post, but solo runs dominate their pages.

Posting came uneasy for a week or so. No inspiration or creative thought, nor anything interesting to subject for the photos, tags, comments. Kept on running though like the good old days. The ordinary way of running. No watch, no phone, no selfie. Felt, it was too much to think of anything to say as it was just a run, no extra to discuss or comment on. So I held back, artificiality makes me and my posts fake I believe – it comes out as a pressured something, and I don’t think I could ever do that; it is either real, or no posting, no matter if anyone thinks otherwise; they must not know me really. No posterlife/nikebaby, nor any set up photos, only opportunities to express my feelings throughout the pictures.

But again, when the option to meet so many great people through the easy way; documenting some runs and thoughts it makes me feel I need to keep on going/doing/running. Cause it is really easy really to publish on IG.

Posting comes from the heart, like running does most of the times. Never a selfie for the selfie only. Never a well prepared post in order to reach decent level of likes. (Though some times it is a real mess I write about, same reason, I’m a mess means my posts are too.)

And this is exactly what I search in other IG users too. Nice to sneak into someone else’s life, even if it is only a setup I must confess, but it feels even better to see real people, real runners, real feelings and emotions around the world, and connect . 

And encourage and cheer for any race and practice they feel to be proud of or the opposite, when they feel low on willpower and face some meltdown. Because afterall, we are humans, not only runners.

One thousand followers feel great, but no doubt will I never post just to post. Sorrynotsorry. 

But connections in terms of getting in touch with others feel special, and I think there is the reason I was looking for when questioning my own SM appearance.

Person to person connections would be better naturally of course, but sometimes you just cannot meet everyone in real life. Running races worldwide give some opprtunities though, but until meeting in some race abroad we keep in touch online. And send hugs and kisses through the lucky ones actually meeting at events.

Future tense

 
Where will you run my daughter asked me while we were hanging out in our terrace overlooking the city under the full moon. Where do you want to go I asked back instead of answering and she started her long speech explaining every detail. 

She liked London, where the chipmunks were and the sitting in the top of red buses she said, she also mentioned Holland but that was due to the fact that she wanted me to read Jip and Janneke in dutch, telling me this while handing over the book. She doesn’t remember Sweden though was 2 years old at the time, nor Berlin where I went without her. She liked Japan, even though she only saw Nagoya through skype. I read one tale from Jip and Janneke, than she stood up, and looked over the city, while saying: mommy there is New York, pointing at the only tall building of Budapest. ‘I like New York very much’ she said. 

I told her my plans, I told her about racing in Budapest in the summer, and the countryside bit later some trail race I’ve done last at age 17 followed by a 6hrs relay with new found mates. Than Berlin-San Francisco-New York. 

At least I have plan, at least this oart of my life, I thought while going through the months of the year. But otherwise I’m stuck. Stuck at work at a point I cannot jump over, a state of mind situation, there is plenty to develop but carrier-wise seem to hit a certain level and nowhere to grow. I try to make it fun though, but I’m no fun anymore. Summer is here, and I just don’t feel like summer.

I make it summer though, pretend at least. Bikecommuting to work post waking up so early I cannot even believe I’m capable to live on so little sleep, to go out there and run. Riding my bike feels great, I listen, not, I sing along the songs superloudly I listen to while on the way, I love the feeling of fresh breeze while on my bike, my hair played by the wind, messing it up even more. Songs make me feel like I’m being filmed like a videoclip to be done. Previous years this made me so free and calm and happy. But I’m being robotic this year.

I try not to feel bad, I try not to feel deceived, an object to be used. I go run, but I wish I went more. But even during running I feel bored in a way. Some people keep telling me I have selfesteem issues, that I worth a lot, I really count, but I’m not. They are trying to be nice, some emphaty or at least sympathy from them I can feel and in fact this makes me feel better too.

Later I get back on my bike and ride home. Same as always, but this time, I just dont feel good. 

I keep reading to my daughter, and later when she is asleep I dream going on for a long long even longer run, because there I feel ok and free.

I wonder how long I could keep up with running, how long would it feel ok, and when the hate phrase would start if ever. I very much look forward to the hate period, and sometimes i feel like I’m already in it. Life is such a mess. But running for an hour or so it is either love or hate always.

Tension.

Future is there, but what is it in future? This post has no end this time…

Psyche And running

 Running

Other than the pure joy to sweat to speed to get tired for the high, what is the reason so many of us get out there and run.

This time not alone. In fact, preferably never alone. Further focus we go run as friends. Fhrieeendz? Really? I mean like real friends? Or what exactly.

Run alone, later run in groups or alone. Going to races alone, going to races with running mates later going to races alone or with mates to meet running mates, even later going to races early enough to meet and greet all the buddies got to know through running, social event. Going to races either to run or cheer, because there are so many familier faces, ones to chat with a little, either get cheered by or cheer for.

I used to go to streetrunning events run or triatlon ones even when I haven’t restarted running and knew noone in the crowd, or just some, who I might not even seen. I used to be the one cheering loud, clapping and dancing around, giving power to strangers, the one I wish was participating as a runner, because of the athmosphere.

And here I am today. Running. Racing. And still loving the athmosphere. And I go to races earlier to meet people I know, to hang out. I go practice and run with people I know from running, and afterwards we hang out. We keep in touch off running. 

Are we friends?

Casual buddies, peers, mates, pals. Some definitely became friends. But would we become friends or even just buddies if running was off as common interest? Or is just our psyche playing around feeling much crewlove? Keeping up the good spirit so serious to actually break up running friendships or go even further feeling so much love you just gotta keep talking day and night, soulmate situation perhaps. Talking non run too, and this is when it become friendships from being running buddies. Is it all because of running?

Because obviously these people, we probably would never meet in other circumstances, or more probably we would. Noone knows. Diverse crowd, though not so diverse sometimes. Because it turns out among the crowd there are few or less we keep the outside of running world united too. 

Marilyn for instance I know for about a year, we met occasionally pre our running life, on parties – the ones dancing on tables and later the ones we brought our children too, when we became moms, but never talked really, we had so many friends in common instead – , but when we started running together we grew into a supertight friendship to talk secrets and gossip and issues of motherhood to each other. We call multiple times a day and chat on viber or imessage when off the phone. I was never too good with having girl friends, but this seem to last to a level I could not see myself not being close to her.

But this is unique, I don’t get so close to everyone on the team anyways, although another friendship is developing with another girl, I’m starting to surprise myself seriously. And of course there is M, who from teammates we became also close friends, so close that girls are actually jealous at me. Not new news by the way, this one I got used to it, I always went along better with guys as peers, so someone always hated me for that. With M we keep in touch 0-24 developing  a special bond from being superteam members just not long ago.

But with the two M-s, Marilyn and Misi it seemed obvious we would be friends, we are living by the same patterns, miracle we haven’t made closer before. 

Back to the rest, I question my concsiousness in regard of becoming close, because I’m not sure how would we actually start any conversation if running was not involved. It seems running as an environment created a special film set of a kind, getting us into a parallel living, where we run away from different things in our life to be in a totally different millieu. This should be an answer why we than make closer contacts to ones we don’t really know just sweat and run together, calling it crewlove.

There are no borders for these kind of friendships either. We write on a daily basis with someone I’ve never met before, but our love of running turned to a bit more than telling each other our excercise plans and race experiences, we freely and openly discuss feelings and family too. Just last week I had coffee with a girl coming from a NY running club on vacation, this week I guide a girl from Istanbul I’ve never met before through the apshalt of the city for a nice run. We get running contacts to crews etc to any city we go, and we get along, chatting like we knew each other for years while running. Psyche. Still, we could be totally different.

But do we run to meet new people new ways around us, or do we only talk to each other because we run? 

We run as a hobby, but is this environment artifical and therefore are these friendships developing through it fake therefore? Exception of course my M&M, but as I get into running even more, meeting even more people, will there be more exceptions?

Last week I went out almost every night on weekdays. Only one of those days was I having a drink with a friend I knew from way back, the rest I hung out with my running crew, and I felt love towards them, and easiness and calmness and no made up face, just casual talk about anything and everything. I started to know them deeper, and some I know would never be more than running buddies, but still, crewlove is ON. 

 

Guilt

 
Usually family matters stay in the family and not get into posts. But lately I feel the guilt inside and out for my running, for my taking off of time.

Time. From the beginning it was obvious that running although did not take much time compare to a 24 hrs day, it does involves me leaving the nest to be alone. Nothing like yoga I did in a daily basis before, up to two hours a day, closing the bedroom door on myself and pose with a laptop front of me on a matrace. I was still there, I was still behind a door, reachable distance.

Running doesn’t take more than two hours either. Usually, but there are of course exceptions. Races for example. Abroad races. Anything involves more than a brief encounter.

I run either super early, so I don’t mess up the other’s schedule, or during work, or weekend, when swimming is in for the little one with the dad, and I would be bothering only anyways. There are two days a week when I have practice, organized ones, and therefore I’m home later. Not late, only later. These are no excuses, pure facts.

I don’t go out. I don’t go to movies, theatres, exhibitions I once did ona daily basis. Usually, I don’t go out at all, meeting my friends either lunch time or simply grewing them apart. I miss them though, I feel the guilt not being friends to them anymore, but I have to live with it. Occasionally I meet someone after work, for a coffee, or we meet them as a whole family, leaving no space for deeper conversations, the ones I prefer to tell one on one. I have to cancel work related turned true friendships because I just know I need to be home. No complaining, pure facts.

I love my relationship with running. The love and hate comes with it, the fitness and the therapy side as well. Pure facts.

But it is my point of view and I know this is just one point. Because I feel the me and running is not excepted, it is tolerated only; to a certain level. And I’m now on the edge, and on the point where I don’t know what to do further. 

I need to run. I not only run for the run, this is obvious, I run to feel better, more creative, more open. I run to accept things, or to be able to say no. i run because I’m asked to run, because I met people there, who seem to understand me to a certain level, who can be so different yet fun, who I can talk to for hours off running too. They might be friends I’m not sure. Of course I run to meet people, and sometimes I meet important ones I want to be part of my life too. Pure facts.

I feel guilt because I feel careless for a couple of hours with them, I feel guilt because I know toleration might stop at home any minute, and I will have to decide. I feel guilt, because right now, I cannot stop running.

People think I’m crazy, I’m obsessed, I overreact. My partner hates the whole thing, my closest friends joke about it, but I know they think I got attached to a sect or something. I feel guilty. 

I feel guilty because I feel happy. 

Met up some of the best friends tonight, having some drinks, talking about our common interest, fashion. Relatedly running fashion is brought in as a topic and there were we. Middle of our relationship crisis purely based on the fact I run. They are real friends, they only think I’m crazy, but they still love me; true, they don’t live with me. 

I have no idea what to do.

Running is my fuel, my gasoline to keep on going as fun and happy as I possibly can, but seeing the sad and angry and totally not understanding eyes just takes off the happiness in running. 

It hurts the other, but if I stop it would hurt me too, which would go even further. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t be myself during the day. There must be a fine line for toleration, but I don’t seem to find it. Being anxious about it is a soft word.

I feel scared to talk about my running experiences, my day, my happy moments, I close up, I stay in my thoughts not to hurt. I feel guilty, and I’m possibly guilty actually. 

A selfish little mean one. 

Negativity and annoy around my running not only reacts on my performance – who cares about it anyways really, recreatinal running it is only – but also my mood. My mood which was meant to be brough up from running.

Performance, like any given Saturday, when the whole practice is based on the fear to return home too late, and therefore my focus turns to the feel of guilt rather than the joy of run. It seems everydays start to become Saturdays. 

I’m told to be tired becuase I run. But in fact I would be even more tired with the lack of run. I’m probably boring cause I run, and I talk running, I’m happy and sad, because I run. And annoyed when not.

I get bad looks when I stay awake, because I simply want to read, run or non run related, I get rolling eyes when I announce a race – which I feel guilt beforehand anyways, I know I’m too much. I don’t nor will I ever ask for an applause after I ran a good one,  a PB or perhaps a long one I’ve never done before, it’s not something I reach for when I run, I don’t do it for someone to be proud of me, in fact I don’t ask for anything, I keep low instead, and sometimes even ashamed to run.

Cheer dem

 
Wish I stopped for a minute, or at least a brief longer second than just start jumping around and giving the high five …. Wish I realized the moment, which in fact I did, but went on, since it was a race, although not my race, even though I attended the race, but in fact I wasn’t racing. I wish there was a photo taken of our one second overjoy! 

Taking it calm and easy, not giving my 100%, not running my ass off. Than I heard a nice and laid back go Bori; coming from the possible future coach, and I had to increase speed a bit, it was and acknowledgement, he recognized me in the crowd and this made me a bit proud. And than something even more powrrful happened. Men standing by. But as soon as I passed these fine ones, I started speeding, sub 4 minutes my sonofabeeatch, I did have the power I kept back.

Cheer zone of 4-5 guys, the Nike coach, the high five king of Berlin – he did mess up his first ever marathon just not to miss any cheering little kids’ hands, so emotionally beautiful, and approved, who cared about time when the feeling of being there just gives so much more power -, the one only thinks in PBs and only talks to the one actually ran a decent chrono, and some more I could not even recognize, because I was running. Experience on a Budapest based race, which only had been experienced in Berlin and Nagoya, but missed even in New York, was too occupied being cold. Cheer zone, with so much screaming so much cheering, so much feeling hero, so much …

It wasn’t my race, nor I ran for any goal, I just happened to be there, with no perceptions just to run and enjoy. And finish as soon as possible, I had no time, I was in a hurry, coming from the hospital trying to act normal to see Marilyn trying to act calm and careless, but we both were nervous, still waiting on some results, and also rushing to some family affairs after, not to fire up the already heated scene even more. But I needed this run, and the cheer zone made it even more obvious, I NEEDED THIS RUN.

I needed this run to once again feel ok about myself. I needed this run to be even more sure how much these people mean to me. I needed this run, because I felt home away from home. And I needed this run in order to thank them for being there and being there for me. I’m here for you too. And thank you. 

Going social

 
Make friends, not war kinda way how running crews gather up, collecting people into a big massa, while the main reason as a starter is running. Appetite to begin with sorta, makes workout easier, if life cannot be changed anyways. For what else would someone wake up 5am or perhaps earlier for something other than the joy of different reasons – explanations. Running for one thing, but if in groups the better, there is the must feeling; if others can do it, I surely must, also motivational one, for the same reason, and time just passes by with people around and among. Purposefully said time passes by and not spent, as sneaked in running hours to an already busy life schedule permits no more than a quicky, a blink to meet others for a specific time period, than life goes on. With work and other modern world must do things of the day.

But than again, some make it more than running buddies, some actually meet on civil clothes circumstances, spend time together, and become friends or something like that. 

Our running crew is special. Probably for the fact that it is ours, although I know there are other crews abroad and possibly here too who think the same. Little or bigger families with same interest. But ours is the one. I always have a melted heart thinking about them as a group, individually I might have personal opinions, but as a whole we are so united. I might would not talk to someone in real life if didn’t know from running, but in such a rundorphins based case I love each and every one of us. Less or more though, but it is still a strong bond.

Shockingly or not, there are gossips and bullying along the group, I guess this makes it a real family. I knew I make people talk behind my back, obvious fact, I’m the character creating vibe, and that must be dealt with others, I can live with the fact. But when I hear that girls breaking up friendships and fight with each other my heart breaks, and I start to feel insecure. I don’t really mind if I cause some issues and raised questions among our group, because I believe we are responsible for our own actions, and I try to base my every movement on being kind and nice to people therefore I even though sometimes regret some things, I usually stand up for my own activity, even when I don’t always know details of the gossip spread, only the results, just like last night. Sidestory only, this involves me into the story, and I’m not in the mood to deal with myself right now. All the more, because the issue of the girls really cut a slice in my heart.

There are the four of them, previous running together never met. They share of course the love towards running, and community of ours made it even bigger of a love. But they are not only common in that, they also have other things to share through talking and getting together off running. Love of healthy food, the sunrise, the sunset, perhaps their specific part of their lives of now, guys, problems, and some good wine. Got so good friends, that running seemed only a side part, although still loving it. Teamed up into a ten participants group for Ultrabalaton where we ran with Misi as a 2 member team, they were preparing for it as the day of the year, just as us perhaps. I was proud though it wasn’t my achievment to look at them spending the 24hrs together, real girl spirit powerwomen kinda way, as they call themselves women with vision. And than something happened there, though I don’t know details, all I know that a week passed by and they are not talking anymore, they have wounds and bad feelings about the race. I seriously hate how four independent strong women, even stronger as a four just stop being friends anymore. I wish I could grab them and tie them up with the most precise knot until they could honestly hug each other once again. Talk it through, sit down with a shared bottle of wine this time and say out loud all the grievances in order to get over with the hurt. We are a family, issues are common, but those are there to solve it, and perhaps make the bond even more secure after solving the problems.

It is hard for me to see such a great group of inspiring women split up for not a big deal, even though it is a big deal. As there had been strong emotions to actually bring out problems, there must be a way to turn everything back – drink this baby it’s atomic soda it’ll blow your mind back how it was. Wish it was so easy like that. But as they had the power to inspire and build each other up I hope they will have the power to cry this out together to once again smile together. Girls!

And our running crew just as the show must go on!

As about me; I’ve been dancing in the office since the morning, with my earphones put into, not to bother any colleagues with my mood. Mood swings again, I can’t deal with anymore. 

🎧. Quartz Bloom Starskey remix