S p e e d

 
Braingame on

about speed training, not for me, I said no thank you.

The reason I stopped my pro athlete life.

The track, the intervalls, the fartlek. Fvck me. I’m no game.

But today was finally the day to begin with. I’ve been pacing/coaching speed training for about two months on Nike wednesdays official, I enjoy it, as I don’t die in it, trying not to sound too pompously big-headed but heartrate never go above 90, this probably says it all.

__________________________
2x 4x 800 – 500/300 – 3:50/5:10/k
warmup and some cooldown at 5:20
Total of 15km
After morning 10km at 5 min/km average
__________________________

I already had big battle in the mind by the morning, I was gonna fight it alone I thought but than again I’m not powerful enough. Me against myself. I’ve been there done that kind of way the little voice tells me over and over again. 

Setting up a rundate so my struggles would be voiced out loud if needed, not that I would not talk and scream to and with myself id I ran this alone.
But running with a Kosovo veteran gave me extra issues to deal with, socializing above all. I do easily run with M anytime, easygoing we are getting like besties lately, or the ultratrailboy, though I tended to always give up the serious work with him, or the superfast talking daddy, or anyone I used to and still run nowadays. The Veteran is different however. Getting to know his story of life made me feel insecure in terms of wow effect, could so easily talk to him before, now feeling a little spoiled blond next to him, makes the words come out harder. His life is a novel id not a bestseller book itself, and I always thought my life was full of ups and downs and miseries, n o t ….

It is only run I eased myself all the way, but it wasn’t just an ordinary run.

It was speed work, fartlek, I hate so much. I was so anxious like I was pre any races I really went out for. Berlin my first, NY where I thought I would be flown away by the wind, Nagoya, where I was running with the smile hut still nervous pre start. 
My first serious fartlek session after 18 years and just one day after I got a phonecall from my old pro life’s old coach if I wanted to join my old crew to finally take it serious. I told him I would think about it, feeling flattered, him knowing the answer is a no, but seriously I wish I could so his practice on am everyday…
I wish I took some Xanax I was so intensely nervous. 

Less than an hour and a half of practice I kept calming myself. I would probably gave up anyways without the Veteran, but after the session i was rebirn and feeling full if not the fullest after so many days of lowness. 
I know I will try to find excuses to drop out of any speed trains, to avoid serious workouts, but I would never ever miss the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. The really worth it feeling. 

I’m so overly excited and happy to be able to do what was told to do! I fvcking did it, and I’m so proud! 

Post

 Just exactly by the time reaching one thousand followers I questioned the whole purpose of posting my days and runs. The reasons I was looking for. 

Somewhere somehow some motivational loss raised the flag for the whys. But than again, it just feels good when a company head sending me a message that someone sends her kisses from Berlin. Someone I’ve never met, nor really talked to ever. And then she just meets this hungarian man on an event and asks whether he knows me, and it just happens like that; sending hugs – stages of connection worldwide. Feels special.  Just a girl I’ve known from IG, a girl with whom we are active followers of each other for months. We encourage and cheer for each other through our posts, we get to know each other while commenting with emojis. Not unordinary, IG grabs us together with many. 

And my posts are all about this, getting together and meeting peeps with the same interest trough social media, in my POV.

Morning running with another girl met trough SM than in social runs, we are discussing the same. Running buddies we call the ones actually had met and talked more than ten sentences. This lady part of the Gökotta girls, a crew who made it from running buddies to tight friendship just to fight over an ultra relay and leave all the ‘women with vision’ movement and talk to each other no more. Me, being the bridge between the two parties, talk to all of them, I miss their togetherness, their girlpower full of encouragings. I miss their crew photos on IG. They still post, but solo runs dominate their pages.

Posting came uneasy for a week or so. No inspiration or creative thought, nor anything interesting to subject for the photos, tags, comments. Kept on running though like the good old days. The ordinary way of running. No watch, no phone, no selfie. Felt, it was too much to think of anything to say as it was just a run, no extra to discuss or comment on. So I held back, artificiality makes me and my posts fake I believe – it comes out as a pressured something, and I don’t think I could ever do that; it is either real, or no posting, no matter if anyone thinks otherwise; they must not know me really. No posterlife/nikebaby, nor any set up photos, only opportunities to express my feelings throughout the pictures.

But again, when the option to meet so many great people through the easy way; documenting some runs and thoughts it makes me feel I need to keep on going/doing/running. Cause it is really easy really to publish on IG.

Posting comes from the heart, like running does most of the times. Never a selfie for the selfie only. Never a well prepared post in order to reach decent level of likes. (Though some times it is a real mess I write about, same reason, I’m a mess means my posts are too.)

And this is exactly what I search in other IG users too. Nice to sneak into someone else’s life, even if it is only a setup I must confess, but it feels even better to see real people, real runners, real feelings and emotions around the world, and connect . 

And encourage and cheer for any race and practice they feel to be proud of or the opposite, when they feel low on willpower and face some meltdown. Because afterall, we are humans, not only runners.

One thousand followers feel great, but no doubt will I never post just to post. Sorrynotsorry. 

But connections in terms of getting in touch with others feel special, and I think there is the reason I was looking for when questioning my own SM appearance.

Person to person connections would be better naturally of course, but sometimes you just cannot meet everyone in real life. Running races worldwide give some opprtunities though, but until meeting in some race abroad we keep in touch online. And send hugs and kisses through the lucky ones actually meeting at events.

T H U R S D A Y 2 R U N 

 
Heat is reaching to the level when morning run is actually the only runtime beareable. By now, I got used to wake up 5AM, not that it always feels good, but I don’t need an alarm to be up anymore.

Today however I woke up, but did not ran only later starting at 9 on some asphalt, already heaten up. Thanks for the street pumps along the route, probably checked into all of them. 

Talkative pace, not necessarily a good workout but it feels good at least. The talking. And the running. The talkingrunning. Don’t mind the heat that much no matter how easy I could pass out any minute, felt good listening to the birthday man, turning me kinda psychologist in mind – expressing him the usual – at last one always realize being honest and play no roles are the best way to live life; hope the message went through, I was not trying to teach, rather point out, he seemed to understand … Also, sunstroke welcame back, long runs companion of mine lately . Stopping for a minute was nice, even nicer to the fact I needed to speed up to sub 4:30 pace to catch up the front runners. Almost 20K in the feet later with a 2k tempo for the finish. Not bad in 34 degrees. Survived. 

Small things make it better.

Like a call during our refuel in the usual place a bit different setup, festival season makes us fewer but thinking of and ringing us up to say hi fully hangovered though, and we still listened to our song (always exactly at 11 am, the always same children song that signals us to start hydrating-like our anthem) together at the ‘morning bar’, that feels crewlove big time. 

Small things matter.

No things matter too. Or really doesn’t matter in fact.

Running early or later feels good once again, running asphalt or trail too.

Running matters.

Bodylearning occupies my brain, saluting my capabilities and borders, I observe. This is big thing that matters. 

Me matters, because small things matter too.

Rather than thinking of la douleur exquise I focus on small things, and decide whether it matters or not. Or not decide, and that feels good too. Like a phonecall, like a message from someone I haven’t talked for over a half a year, because I didn’t want to talk I guess, like a coffeebreak coffee making me even more tired. 

But the end of the day it is nice to think of the running, that had been done.

Matters of the day in regard of my style2run: opening up a man playing roles on an expert level suddenly changes all his appearance dropping his mask, empathy rises in my blood, feels good to know some people trust me enough to share their true side through honesty. This makes me feel alive and worthy too, even though I’m sure I cannot really help, only listen. But at least I listen. And later to be listened too,  hopefully dropping my own mask and stopped playing characters, at least for a while. Feeling appreciated as a soul rather than based and valued through the outlook. Such a big thing that matters, and thankful for that. Cliche or not, crewlove makes it special to run and talk. Either runtalking along the way or to close the day setting like over a berry smoothie. 

And this all begun with one single run a year and a half ago. That mattered and still matters. Running as a lifestyle. Selflearning. 

Future tense

 
Where will you run my daughter asked me while we were hanging out in our terrace overlooking the city under the full moon. Where do you want to go I asked back instead of answering and she started her long speech explaining every detail. 

She liked London, where the chipmunks were and the sitting in the top of red buses she said, she also mentioned Holland but that was due to the fact that she wanted me to read Jip and Janneke in dutch, telling me this while handing over the book. She doesn’t remember Sweden though was 2 years old at the time, nor Berlin where I went without her. She liked Japan, even though she only saw Nagoya through skype. I read one tale from Jip and Janneke, than she stood up, and looked over the city, while saying: mommy there is New York, pointing at the only tall building of Budapest. ‘I like New York very much’ she said. 

I told her my plans, I told her about racing in Budapest in the summer, and the countryside bit later some trail race I’ve done last at age 17 followed by a 6hrs relay with new found mates. Than Berlin-San Francisco-New York. 

At least I have plan, at least this oart of my life, I thought while going through the months of the year. But otherwise I’m stuck. Stuck at work at a point I cannot jump over, a state of mind situation, there is plenty to develop but carrier-wise seem to hit a certain level and nowhere to grow. I try to make it fun though, but I’m no fun anymore. Summer is here, and I just don’t feel like summer.

I make it summer though, pretend at least. Bikecommuting to work post waking up so early I cannot even believe I’m capable to live on so little sleep, to go out there and run. Riding my bike feels great, I listen, not, I sing along the songs superloudly I listen to while on the way, I love the feeling of fresh breeze while on my bike, my hair played by the wind, messing it up even more. Songs make me feel like I’m being filmed like a videoclip to be done. Previous years this made me so free and calm and happy. But I’m being robotic this year.

I try not to feel bad, I try not to feel deceived, an object to be used. I go run, but I wish I went more. But even during running I feel bored in a way. Some people keep telling me I have selfesteem issues, that I worth a lot, I really count, but I’m not. They are trying to be nice, some emphaty or at least sympathy from them I can feel and in fact this makes me feel better too.

Later I get back on my bike and ride home. Same as always, but this time, I just dont feel good. 

I keep reading to my daughter, and later when she is asleep I dream going on for a long long even longer run, because there I feel ok and free.

I wonder how long I could keep up with running, how long would it feel ok, and when the hate phrase would start if ever. I very much look forward to the hate period, and sometimes i feel like I’m already in it. Life is such a mess. But running for an hour or so it is either love or hate always.

Tension.

Future is there, but what is it in future? This post has no end this time…

Crew2run

 
Budapest, full of runners on any given summer Sunday, morning or evening, for breakfast or lunch or dinner. Who do you run with?

Facebook events to join crews, teams, even solo or duo. Multiple invitations, one must choose, tough life.

  

Or go alone. Be on your own, no selfies, no posts, just pure joy of being there myself.

Not this Sunday, not this week. Preferred company, running willingness decreasing with tiredness, solo runs turning into struggle to keep up a slow pace, and even music cannot speed it up. But in need of running, and canceling saturday – in the hope of lonely one would be a better option, but in fact it made it worse – sunday meant to run in crew once again. None of the social runs seemed convenient in terms of timings, Sunday is moral/family time afterall – I’ve heard this saying about 15 yrs ago from someone in context so absurd and lifelike, yes, he was cheating on his girl – as any given day of the week btw., we don’t go to church but at least spend some time together, like a nice huge italian family now averaging 10, but sometimes even more to attend. 

Nevertheless, morning run seemed more easy for others to swallow, a fact that I leave for a while creates guilt discussed earlier, but I needed some time. 

Huge wind pushed me back to startpoint on my bike quite a few times almost to the point to cancel again, glad I had an appointment with the Gourmet runner half way, so I needed to ride to make it on time. While he was talking I tried to bike along, got so tired by the time we made it to the track. Weird how motivational some people can be; I forgot all my heavy legs as soon as we meet and greet, and run feels ok even if speed is competitive; togetherness pushes me through my own boundaries. I feel weight dropping off my shoulders, I start to lose all the shit around me, I even feel something like worthiness. For a couple of seconds of so at least. Finishline means sitting together casually in our sweaty clothes, drinking and talking a bit before everyone leaves for their own Sundays. Even without drinking we are easygoing, pretty basic though, nothing deep to discuss, we scratch some topics but skip the conversation part, it is all about good vibes, a bit of a rest, we deserve anyways.

I lose and enjoy myself totally, laugh and have no time to think in between the lines, still being ironic makes me the outstanding participant of the brunch, I forgot to hold back once again in terms of just be one of the members observing the team. Because as soon I sit back just to listen people get nervous and they think I have a problem, start asking and spotlight is immediately back on me. I like to stay background, but usually never succeed. Some, I’m closer to in this group and as soon as I start wandering around with my eyes they seem to get curious if I feel low. I’m not sure how close we are as they think I can only smile, problemless and free spirit. When they see me upset, even if for a brief second they get a bit worried starting to ask questions. I do get  upset though, in fact I am pretty upset nowadays, lost interest in some aspects of life, such as running – to where exactly? Or what from to be more precise. But life is such a clown, as soon as I team up with someone, I smile, and it comes honest. Like to be alone, but lately alonness (not loneliness though) feels a bit tiring. 

This Sunday’s afterrun however, I felt totally ok, so ok I forgot everything happening outside of the table, even where I put my phone. For more than an hour the focus was on the group and its easiness, and it came natural, no pressure. We made plans for the next one. Special one, seem so far away from a sub 5min/km running group though we decided to go even further from only being runners on the road, we will TOGETHER go and will chill and dance afterrun. So easy so natural. 

Feeling full and smiley we rode back with the Gourmet to home, he kept talking and it was ok. No make up, no character plays.

While taking a shower, signing along I got a viberchat, whether this morning team creates an alternative to the original team I started to feel the crewlove not so long ago. Kvazibarki anchor getting worried if we are stealing the spirit of their social events. And there it hit me hard. Like I was flying up in and with the clouds, and than just got dropped hard on the asphalt. I was so happy for a brief second I haven’t felt for such a long time, being myself for only a second of so, and now it is time to get back to the real world. I sat down and started to write back, explaining how it should not be about competing but to enjoy the running and what brings out from us. I thought I was clear, honest and therefore should not be worried of jealous people. 

But as high of happiness came, so came the lowness too. Realizing the damage my existence my presence causes, just by sitting in for a coffee to a place I go like every other day, but this time I should have not – it is a free country, but sometimes it just hurt others to be present in a place, wtf., but I understand, would probably feel the same – , or going running with people I usually go anyways. Should I lock myself into a dark room? I have no self esteem, therefore no knowledge on how people’s mind react on my casual choices of living. I do have some self knowledge though, and I know I don’t matter, so why do I get all the bad feedback in terms of making people feel the urge to tell me I did something wrong. Wrong, seriously? Never do anything to do purposefully wrong to others…

Taking another time to run with another group, although this group is part of kvazibarki team too, this is how we met and  know each other the first place, this is how we started talking; shouldn’t it feel more ok to be happy for us? Like we met in the group this guy created and should feel proud that we actually stick together – even when this guy gave up on us and cared not to join, we still kept the team and the running up? Bit of proudness instead of jealousy please. Based on the pure fact that time for the other run was not ok for us. Yes, we did have fun afterwards, we do keep in touch off running too, but this is a good thing, nothing to be envied on; anyone can join really, and if they feel good, they can be part too. No competition. Why is it so complicated? 

Or it is me. I’m complicated. But sometimes it is good to leave everything behind and enjoy the moment. Apologies if it hurts anyone’s being, getting too much emotions into a simple workout session?!? 

Psyche And running

 Running

Other than the pure joy to sweat to speed to get tired for the high, what is the reason so many of us get out there and run.

This time not alone. In fact, preferably never alone. Further focus we go run as friends. Fhrieeendz? Really? I mean like real friends? Or what exactly.

Run alone, later run in groups or alone. Going to races alone, going to races with running mates later going to races alone or with mates to meet running mates, even later going to races early enough to meet and greet all the buddies got to know through running, social event. Going to races either to run or cheer, because there are so many familier faces, ones to chat with a little, either get cheered by or cheer for.

I used to go to streetrunning events run or triatlon ones even when I haven’t restarted running and knew noone in the crowd, or just some, who I might not even seen. I used to be the one cheering loud, clapping and dancing around, giving power to strangers, the one I wish was participating as a runner, because of the athmosphere.

And here I am today. Running. Racing. And still loving the athmosphere. And I go to races earlier to meet people I know, to hang out. I go practice and run with people I know from running, and afterwards we hang out. We keep in touch off running. 

Are we friends?

Casual buddies, peers, mates, pals. Some definitely became friends. But would we become friends or even just buddies if running was off as common interest? Or is just our psyche playing around feeling much crewlove? Keeping up the good spirit so serious to actually break up running friendships or go even further feeling so much love you just gotta keep talking day and night, soulmate situation perhaps. Talking non run too, and this is when it become friendships from being running buddies. Is it all because of running?

Because obviously these people, we probably would never meet in other circumstances, or more probably we would. Noone knows. Diverse crowd, though not so diverse sometimes. Because it turns out among the crowd there are few or less we keep the outside of running world united too. 

Marilyn for instance I know for about a year, we met occasionally pre our running life, on parties – the ones dancing on tables and later the ones we brought our children too, when we became moms, but never talked really, we had so many friends in common instead – , but when we started running together we grew into a supertight friendship to talk secrets and gossip and issues of motherhood to each other. We call multiple times a day and chat on viber or imessage when off the phone. I was never too good with having girl friends, but this seem to last to a level I could not see myself not being close to her.

But this is unique, I don’t get so close to everyone on the team anyways, although another friendship is developing with another girl, I’m starting to surprise myself seriously. And of course there is M, who from teammates we became also close friends, so close that girls are actually jealous at me. Not new news by the way, this one I got used to it, I always went along better with guys as peers, so someone always hated me for that. With M we keep in touch 0-24 developing  a special bond from being superteam members just not long ago.

But with the two M-s, Marilyn and Misi it seemed obvious we would be friends, we are living by the same patterns, miracle we haven’t made closer before. 

Back to the rest, I question my concsiousness in regard of becoming close, because I’m not sure how would we actually start any conversation if running was not involved. It seems running as an environment created a special film set of a kind, getting us into a parallel living, where we run away from different things in our life to be in a totally different millieu. This should be an answer why we than make closer contacts to ones we don’t really know just sweat and run together, calling it crewlove.

There are no borders for these kind of friendships either. We write on a daily basis with someone I’ve never met before, but our love of running turned to a bit more than telling each other our excercise plans and race experiences, we freely and openly discuss feelings and family too. Just last week I had coffee with a girl coming from a NY running club on vacation, this week I guide a girl from Istanbul I’ve never met before through the apshalt of the city for a nice run. We get running contacts to crews etc to any city we go, and we get along, chatting like we knew each other for years while running. Psyche. Still, we could be totally different.

But do we run to meet new people new ways around us, or do we only talk to each other because we run? 

We run as a hobby, but is this environment artifical and therefore are these friendships developing through it fake therefore? Exception of course my M&M, but as I get into running even more, meeting even more people, will there be more exceptions?

Last week I went out almost every night on weekdays. Only one of those days was I having a drink with a friend I knew from way back, the rest I hung out with my running crew, and I felt love towards them, and easiness and calmness and no made up face, just casual talk about anything and everything. I started to know them deeper, and some I know would never be more than running buddies, but still, crewlove is ON. 

 

Guilt

 
Usually family matters stay in the family and not get into posts. But lately I feel the guilt inside and out for my running, for my taking off of time.

Time. From the beginning it was obvious that running although did not take much time compare to a 24 hrs day, it does involves me leaving the nest to be alone. Nothing like yoga I did in a daily basis before, up to two hours a day, closing the bedroom door on myself and pose with a laptop front of me on a matrace. I was still there, I was still behind a door, reachable distance.

Running doesn’t take more than two hours either. Usually, but there are of course exceptions. Races for example. Abroad races. Anything involves more than a brief encounter.

I run either super early, so I don’t mess up the other’s schedule, or during work, or weekend, when swimming is in for the little one with the dad, and I would be bothering only anyways. There are two days a week when I have practice, organized ones, and therefore I’m home later. Not late, only later. These are no excuses, pure facts.

I don’t go out. I don’t go to movies, theatres, exhibitions I once did ona daily basis. Usually, I don’t go out at all, meeting my friends either lunch time or simply grewing them apart. I miss them though, I feel the guilt not being friends to them anymore, but I have to live with it. Occasionally I meet someone after work, for a coffee, or we meet them as a whole family, leaving no space for deeper conversations, the ones I prefer to tell one on one. I have to cancel work related turned true friendships because I just know I need to be home. No complaining, pure facts.

I love my relationship with running. The love and hate comes with it, the fitness and the therapy side as well. Pure facts.

But it is my point of view and I know this is just one point. Because I feel the me and running is not excepted, it is tolerated only; to a certain level. And I’m now on the edge, and on the point where I don’t know what to do further. 

I need to run. I not only run for the run, this is obvious, I run to feel better, more creative, more open. I run to accept things, or to be able to say no. i run because I’m asked to run, because I met people there, who seem to understand me to a certain level, who can be so different yet fun, who I can talk to for hours off running too. They might be friends I’m not sure. Of course I run to meet people, and sometimes I meet important ones I want to be part of my life too. Pure facts.

I feel guilt because I feel careless for a couple of hours with them, I feel guilt because I know toleration might stop at home any minute, and I will have to decide. I feel guilt, because right now, I cannot stop running.

People think I’m crazy, I’m obsessed, I overreact. My partner hates the whole thing, my closest friends joke about it, but I know they think I got attached to a sect or something. I feel guilty. 

I feel guilty because I feel happy. 

Met up some of the best friends tonight, having some drinks, talking about our common interest, fashion. Relatedly running fashion is brought in as a topic and there were we. Middle of our relationship crisis purely based on the fact I run. They are real friends, they only think I’m crazy, but they still love me; true, they don’t live with me. 

I have no idea what to do.

Running is my fuel, my gasoline to keep on going as fun and happy as I possibly can, but seeing the sad and angry and totally not understanding eyes just takes off the happiness in running. 

It hurts the other, but if I stop it would hurt me too, which would go even further. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t be myself during the day. There must be a fine line for toleration, but I don’t seem to find it. Being anxious about it is a soft word.

I feel scared to talk about my running experiences, my day, my happy moments, I close up, I stay in my thoughts not to hurt. I feel guilty, and I’m possibly guilty actually. 

A selfish little mean one. 

Negativity and annoy around my running not only reacts on my performance – who cares about it anyways really, recreatinal running it is only – but also my mood. My mood which was meant to be brough up from running.

Performance, like any given Saturday, when the whole practice is based on the fear to return home too late, and therefore my focus turns to the feel of guilt rather than the joy of run. It seems everydays start to become Saturdays. 

I’m told to be tired becuase I run. But in fact I would be even more tired with the lack of run. I’m probably boring cause I run, and I talk running, I’m happy and sad, because I run. And annoyed when not.

I get bad looks when I stay awake, because I simply want to read, run or non run related, I get rolling eyes when I announce a race – which I feel guilt beforehand anyways, I know I’m too much. I don’t nor will I ever ask for an applause after I ran a good one,  a PB or perhaps a long one I’ve never done before, it’s not something I reach for when I run, I don’t do it for someone to be proud of me, in fact I don’t ask for anything, I keep low instead, and sometimes even ashamed to run.