LifeĀ 

Daily routines are part of the day. Life. Runs are part of the day. Life.

Life goes on, weather sucks or not.

I’d thought after running Budapest Maraton I’d calm my nerves because it’s all done. 13th marathon became the biggest fear I thought, and I’m done, move on. 

Next. 

I plan(ned) my 14th as a reward of me-time no matter how I hate the word me/time. Almost 40hours of limited talking out loud, the usual yearly getaway to inhale and exhale. Crazy idea on the first hand there is not much wise-ness to run back to back marathons in two weeks, but been there done that is my motto, so why not. If the first one goes well -time-wise it didn’t- I could take the second one as a gala. Had an option B: second one I go better. Than came option C: leg hurts, gala should be anyways only slower, wiser, survival mode. Because a week after there’s another race could be an excuse why Frankfurt went slow. 

Haven’t happened though, there is 4 days to go. 4 crazy days with an ankle to heal a cold to go away a brain to shut down the thoughts of realization and acceptance. Wanna be and will be alone all that matters. Danes will be there and even though I rather be alone I’m also keen to meet up with the ladies we met in Nagoya the last time. And Berlin with some others. And this year Berlin half… ok, we’d met quite a few times, but still we need some ladies’ time along my alone time. 

That is about socializing.

Otherwise, I’m constantly checking weather forecast, long sleeves or tank with concurent brand’s arm warmer? But it really doesn’t matter cause my ankle/calf/thewholeleft leg has an issue. Will I make it all the way? The masseur took me for granted today, he usually massage a time into my legs but today he simple said, I think you might be able to finish. WTF. I’d only once had an injury and it felt terrible for the week or so not running. Gosh, I still have 4 days to go. With my Berlin Half compagnion we had a long conversation on how dumb I was to go race in between two marathons even if I took it as a practice. It still was fast and curious – am I able to go on an even pace of 8x1300m under 4 minutes. I was, so what? Was it worth to jeopardize Frankfurt?

It will rain anyways and the gusts will probably kill my mind. Blow up my stress level. So much about 40 hours of destress captioned as me time. 

Otherwise I keep eating and eating and feel like an elephant nowadays, but for some unordinary reason I can’t wait for the weekend of loneliness. 

I chose to be weird and that is my road to. My calvary my happiness. Did it my ways. Do it my ways. Just do it anyways.

10.29. Frankfurt

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Road to marathon


On the 10th of October 2017 I got my official sign off to be a runner as per medical examination. The doctor said she is willing to have my body as a present for Christmas. Easy tick on on going nationals she said in her office which was signed: for olympic runners. She probably saw how much worried I was, physical stains of my nervousness showed visibly sweating, high pulse which was so high as 75 and extraordinary measures -in my terms- blood pressure of 120/60. Was cleared to compete today, and I guess it’s a no turning back, marathon time in the weekend. She said my numbers are awesome, colesterine, iron, etc on olympic level.

Wearher forecast seems perfect for me; a bit higher temperature than marathon-perfect per others, not major wind and no parties pre booked. I have no excuse to already think of. I’m also quite ok personally, life goes on but not like it goes on as regret, but goes on that way, I don’t read fitspos or influential justdoit quotes, don’t yet miss hard working though I work occasionally and I know the day will come sooner or later. It’s not one marathon but two in a row and than a half which I will probably take it as a full cause I need miles (not). 

Little she knew – the doctor- that I took the blood test on empty stomach at 1 pm while the assistant screamed that it will get me bad results, but took anyways, that I was having the worst menstruation for a decade having Aunt Flow totally ruin my dresscode for the day. She, the doctor had no idea I was escorted by a guy who is also a coach happen to be so nice and a friend of a friend and I’m such a bitch for not being nice to him on a regular basis even though he is so reluctant for a year and a half to be around me. She also had no idea I had a conversation with another coach from the same tribe who in the other hand seriously dislike me but for some miracle talked and talked to me while I talked to him for an hour about ourselves and that kinda made me smiley, and he suggested to go marathon on my way, which is a good sign, or at least I took it as a good sign that at least he knows what was my way.

At this point I should probably seek for no more excuses for the run just run anyways.

But there are certain concerns nonetheless. Firstly, the runningmate who passed out on previous race and the situation got me into my bones and as well to others. Telling them -as their coach, but I’m no coach- that they should not worry only listen to their body made me nervous. Could I actually do a PB previously if I didn’t believe I could do the extraordinary, go over my own barriers, over the edge, and rather listen to my rational self and just do the usual? Will I know if I’m over my limits will I know when to stop pushing or push even more? (I had the same conversation with myself actually preppig for labor with my daughter). Last year when major PBs happened both marathon and half distance I always had a prediction I was given by bro which I wanted to break too. It worked well cause I was high on happiness. This raises another and second worry, which might or might even overlimit the importance of the first. It will be warm for a marathon weather-wise but not for me personally. Thinking of outfit to wear, I know I need an arm warmer. I know I will wear one, the one feared one day will be asked back with some other gear I have from bro. The day will come I guess, and I need to be prepared for that too. Weird emotional attachement to things, objects, with meanings we put into them but otherwise stuff only. Thirdly, I’m not prepared to run a marathon in pace. Or simply just run a marathon. I’m scared of the distance and the clock. This will be my 12th startline presence and I’m scared AF of the unknown distance.

I had no over 100k weeks for a year now. I had no long runs at all. I had some speed work but didn’t feel like was progress on speed nor endurance. Have no mantra stuck into mind, I don’t want to show the world how happy I am nor how fast I can get. I have no motivational inspiration, no music or olympic thights as a lucky charm. I’m certain in one thing only, that marathon is coming up and that I still write metaphorical or song lyrics and I get lyrics as a return or as a change I guess. I think I woke up after a long sleep I thought was a dream, and I’m back to Nagoya in 2015.

And in the other hand I really fvcking wanna do my dream finally. 

Because on the 10th of October I got cleared to compete for another year. 

Two marathons awaiting in October. So I must stand up and just do it, or fvcking do it my way.

‘Go write your message on the pavement’


My daughter gets a sticker at school instead of grades, saying well done, congrats and so on. 

Wednesday when picked her up, already done my school run- aka run around the school before doing the schoolrun- she as usual had her sticker in hand proudly presented. She went heureka, hold up my striped longsleeves and put it on my stomach. For a brief moment I thought of having an artificial object glued to my skin would cause some ithchyness but next thing I remebered is I completely forgot about it. 

Next morning with a strong urge to go run I quickly grabbed my run attire just to realize it’s raining and the wind was unbearable even to normal humans not only to me the windfreak, quick change of plans I took a shower just to not feel so cold, and than and there I saw the sticker. Excellent was written on it, on my stomach on my body. Not that it gave me a push to go run immediately, and only a slight feel of guilt coming the quick reminder to finally write the peace about body image to voltwomen. 

Excellent- it made me smile and go to the gym, with my winter run attire, therefore sweating was such a detox, lost at least two pounds. Until drank some water after.

I can’t imagine little minds purposfully act the way to how to cheer up and motivate an adult nihil, but that really worked; daughter just made da point. Took the streching class after and some body sculpt today, sauna noth days, so a definite muscle pain will be checking in tomorrow for a practice race of half marathon. I chose to race to not feel superlow about skipping Berlin and a possible experience on breaking 2 this year. I keep rewind and rewatch the Monza race over and over again by the way. It isn’t like I cannot change the end of it, but I still get the same goosepumps reexperimenting the whole footage and a paralel history that is probably milestone for so many runner souls. Berlin I hope for an enormous bash of fastness and a message on the pavement. Message of success and the overcome limits of humanity.

Meanwhile I keep my body and live up to its excellence. #breakingmybarriers

Reborn


I had a run. We had a relay. World has a major problem with weather. Country – 2 in this specific day- had godly rainfall and enormous gusts for all day, amd exactly five minutes of sun. And I had an out of comfortzone fun all day. And a five minutes on the spot conversation leading to the most comfort zone awakening.

Ran 48K in the following order in three legs: 22.9, 17.9, 6.9, so it was actually 47.7 in the end. I didn’t really miss that 300meters deficit to tell you the truth. 400+ elevation which shouldn’t be major but it was with 12-15% roads with warning sign post before it started. Loads a grape fields with automatic bombs’ sounds to scare the birds away and scare the shit outta me. Alone on the road I ran. Gotta-do-it & wanna-do-it focus was finally present and all I could think was to make it to the relay point to not dissapoint my team mates by not caring about running. And it came so natural. Ran 4:41 pace on the toughest leg with the lots of rollercoaster kinda elevation course in pouring rain. And actually enjoyed it, and was then and there, and my mind was not whining nor thinking on soul issues. I was glad. I was not thinking people was not jumping from thought to thought. Enjoyed the pace of not killing myself, easy complementing the beautiful view the awesome calmness. Was alone. Was ok to be alone. Loneliness of a long distance runner. 2 legs later, hair still wet, but hand succesfully unfrozen it was again my turn. Hello wind I acknowledge you but can’t take my mind over I mantrad and this time I ran Austria. Bit less hill work, still some wavy roads, awww how awesome beautiful it was. Shorter distance made my speed pace up to 4:34 avg. Was fine with it ran easyily having my hat on. Hair still wet. Last of my legs should have been a quicky with only 6.8k but running front of the whole entrants I missed the comfort of following a leader, we were leading. Getting anxious but not finding the sign of wheretogo I had to stop and lost pace. 4:35 in the end as an average. Apologized from the others but we were leading so much it really didn’t matter. We easily won the race, lakers girls. Third lake of Hungary ran around, it’s a check.

But what gave this race was something more than a cup or the podium stand. 

Race to remember for at least two major reasons.

Competitors finally running in a team going the distance opening up with honesty more and more. Lady Discipline became human and one of the nicest person I’ve ever met. Glad we made it through the competitor phrase to something more: crewmates, figthing for each other. Something I dare to say crewlove. Her husband as well. Happy to meet the real they. Than the other girl finally happy with herself, she who holds back all emotions bursted out in laughter when she saw her watch stating an impressive pace. What a difference a pace make. I probably gave no surprise, even pace, nothing extraordinary, still we finished with so much togetherness and no fights along the way. Perfect crew perfect day, first place for dessert.

And than something else happened too. After so much of no-talk we could not not talk by meeting on a race. Casual encounter, like you talk to anyone on a race. Only five minutes with a long lost friend we finished the sentence from the past. We laughed naturally and easy. We ran. Naturally and a bit harder. And that made me realize to look back of the months we had not talked or ran the trails together. Something hit me, while holding the plaquette of the first place and the sponsor hat as a present, I was lost in translation. And I suddenly understood all. The why-s and why-nots, the races and runs, the leading packs and the lifestyle runners, the need to achieve versus the wanna show myself I can do it. The difference between lives and certain routines, the signs and the sounds. The difference between runner and runner. 

The combination of running-talking-meeting souls were such a wow flow vibe it really hit me over the weekend. And I am officially in the state to forgive and forget amd remember and smile, but also to grow from the whining and grow out from the feeling sorry for myself.

I enjoy running, and that all it matters. Whoever joins are welcome but accept the nonwillingness as well, amd especially specially I accept what life throws front of my feet either apshalt or trail there is a reason to get on the road because it takes me somwhere, a road to… 

Budapest half and a try

Gosh, I’m just unable to focus. Or not willing anyways. I’d decided to let it go two days before the race really. And gosh I had big time. Saturday was all about holding back because I have a race next day. Excuse not to losen up too much on the diner en blanc. Eh, up until 7:20, where we all got the moets out and it was gone in minutes. Guys could get hold of some cheap wine, and then and there I knew it was all up to fullfill all my commitments on taking nationals with zero discipline. I have life afterall, and I’m no runner. In these terms at least. I’m not a runner on a Saturday night having fun finally. 

And who is not a runner on a Saturday should not be a runner on Sunday race either. 

Gosh, the next day I carefully stepped up went into the kitchen for a coffee, but suddenly a flashback came due to the fact that there was an enormous sized ice bucket on the counter. Moet of course. I came home holding onto the bucket, and I remembered giving the leftover winebottles to the homeless sleeping on the street, at least he should have fun too. Throwing the remain of the ice into the river. 

Lost in thoughts I pressed myself to go mindfull and focus on the future and not the past as of last night. 

Lessgo I said to myself trying to act normal and well prepared. Press on the word try. 

Never ever do this at home kinda post it is. Respect the fvcking race I keep telling myself every hour every minute. 

We got third as a team as a duo btw. Shame on me. I ran 4:04 pace on 12k, and the rest 9, I’d jogged. Shame shame shame on me.

Best regards!

Last sentence was to be continued.

Which seems like a thousand year ago and in fact I’ve no idea what was I gonna continue with anyways. 

There was the race after race I remember where I just had enough of all and moved on to next level of realizing there are certain things in life morally on my terms that are unexpectable. So moving on I thought. I usually am pretty good leaving things and lifes behind. Never looking back kinda way. There are certain things I cannot leave behind however, but this time I was covered I thought.

Kept running kept working kept coaching and kept being extremely mad at stupidness unhumanity and my self image.

Got tired and even more tired. Wanted to sleep and had no will and actual physical intention to do the easiest things. Like fuel gas into my car, or do the groceries. Or even answer a damn email I should for a week. Things like this. In the other hand I had to agree or disagree on big screens and make decisions on life matters. Got ducking tired. 

Than one day. After two days of no work I stood up I knew I didn’t have to answer that email anymore, and I went to buy groceries, got on the bike, screamed at the air against me and felt free. I ran I ate, I smiled and gave no shit how my body looked like. Cause basically it looked good in my terms. The too much nonwillingness gave absolutely no apetite and that’s how I like myself, no meat no cry.

I couldn’t write though. Not that I wanted to continue. I’d burried it all and smiled at the world finally honestly. 

Started to miss trailboy but dared not to call him, casual chat becomes less reality with time passing by. Somethings Inrealized I want to hold onto in life. He always told me I was restless and wanna take part of all. But summer I switched off and turned inner self. Being myself and be with myself felt great. Grew distance with coach, like not picking up the phone when he called and went on days with silent mode. Kinda enjoyed it.

Kinda enjoyed being me with myself.

Than came autumn and autumn races.

Just one so far in fact and I realized I’m not ready. It’s not like nostalgy or something however you call. Which makes me mad and finally not feeling the nihil btw. Read between the lines yeah. I took no chance and went out the night and dawn before the race, so I definitely put everything on the sureness to fail. I could not face vulnarebility of mine, I could not once again face myself feeling humiliated by my own self my own thoughts of going low on self esteem. I could not face the front line. 

So I made sure and drank on that Moet. Was not much but more than  should pre nationals anyways. 

I was ready to fail. And to face my deepest fear. The love inside of me, that still is there. I keep reminding myself it is ok, and running is ok too.  And no matter how much of a good thing to love it is still heartbreaking. Even more. How many time could be break into even smaller pieces. I felt I cannot be good unless we all go good. None of us did good. I was predestinated to fail. 

All the talks and letters turning into words seems nonetheless nonsense, why on Earth I seek contact to tore myself again and again; and I need to get back on track to feel some esteem with prefixing self. I know I gotta let certain things go i order to gain. I know. Brain still functions on the level of what should be done.

Just do it.

Cause next autumn race is just around the corner.

Front line or not, it’s coming.

Team blonde


Again post race vibes are on. 

This lady the partner in run crime, and my hope in humanity. Adding to my Saturday vibes. Twice the game, twice the races was the day. The races, Her and the Bomb man made my weekend complete in runworld. 

Hectic week make it a hectic weekend. Still had no idea on family matters vs weekend freetime so I registered for two races hoping at least one I get a green light for. The Blonde decided to come the trail one with me in Saturday afternoon, far in the countryside but beautiful view and because lucky her she is vacationing nearby.  Last minute decision and airbnb we were off to Balaton with the Coach and the Hulk. I also had my tickets ready for the Festival happening on the other side of the lake for a Friday Night Live, but I opted for the sound of silence again on last minute leaving two of my friends on the dancefloor. Casual dinner in a family place I was calm and easy going, I only wished to be at the same place same time with perhaps someone else, but than again I kept thinking mindfullness and tried to get the best out of the now and there. 

The trail race started at 2pm in extreme heat. Lined up to the start-line after a shower under the public water fountain, I was happy to see the other Blonde finally (we have a team actually 2 blondes and the mini formed for already two relay races before), and the fun begun. I knew from our crew I was the only one coming to face fears and face serious fun, the rest wanted results and podium fame. Blonde wanted a second place -she believed I would be front of her-, coach and age group win, Hulk, well you never know about him, he is Hulk afterall, but he definitely wanted to beat me and beat the rest of the participants. And all I wanted is to not freak out in the woods and hills running ALONE. I’ve never ran trail alone, fear to get lost and dry out and than animals would come and eat me for weeks, also fear of trees fall on me because of a great storm, but it was 34celsius in the shadows, and totally no signs for even a light rain. Marci once ran this race and got lost to add to my fear.

I was ready to face my fears. Fear no.1 of the day. 

 Startline and I see faces from the past and it’s a blast. This event is organized by a runteam who’s been around for centuries I guess, ran a lot of their events in my pre life, pro life at age 18; familiar faces a bit older and a bit wiser among the runners. Stepi’s father waves at me and I smile, calmness become my partner next to Blonde and we count back under the mini start sign, off we go.

Off we go for about 10 steps when someone hits my calves so hard and all I can see is Blonde going down the asphalt holding onto me while I try to not fall on her. Down the ground I try to get her back up to standing while we see all runners passing us. I scream silently: are you ok, while thinking it’s my part to fall at anytime. Grabbing her we stand up she is bleeding a bit but seems ok, suddenly she is getting pissed and start an enormous pace to reach the crowd of runners ahead of us. Not sure I can keep up. Around 3 k I realize I like it a lot. Say bye to Blonde I go to face my fears. Course is awesome, my eyes are just blinded with the view, brain fully occupied with the ever changing terrain I suddenly am alone with the nature. Course is signed pretty ok, shouldn’t get lost here I keep mantra and enjoy the flow coming. There is single tracks but usually it’s more like an orienteering race sans the map in my hand, signs are visible only the ground I cannot see because I need to go through a whole bunch of plants field hitting my boobs so high. I feel the first nettle pinch but forget to notice any further my legs and body is hit by all over of them after a while. Bugs don’t bug, heat is intense but that neither, I faced my fear I thought keeping up the run. Last 3 k starts with a massive downhill realizing I can’t run down, not here not in this terrain either. Coach reach me here of course, need to learn some running down the hills skills finally. We go into finishline together, I don’t want to race him at a last sprint. 

Got first. Blonde got second, coach got 2nd and Hulk third in the age group. We did great. There was a moment when I reached Hulk at around 4k I felt that race could go wrong if he follows me, but after the first half of race the uphills, he passed me on the even surface and was glad we didn’t stick together, after all he is Hulk and his name stands for it all. I also had some bad thoughts throughout my journey of being fearless alone in the woods for Blonde falling hoping I’m not responsible for that, possibly me pushing her on the ground by accident.

Podium ceremony was fun but we had to rush. 

I had another race to attend in the evening. And why I ran two that day? For a whole few of reasons, but mainly I ran the trail to have excuses for the evening if I wouldn’t be fast enough. I definitely only wanted to run, and not being in place to stand on the podium again. I knew bro would be there, especially as a special guest and I wanted totally no encounter of a chance to meet in such circumstances. Fear no.2 was a complex fear: running in the night with headlamp, and running on a race we both ran. 

Cont. …