Than at one point over the last 5 days just faced how bad of a friend I was really.
Opened the chatwindow and realized, I haven’t even answered for months. And reading backwards it showed nothing else but cancellatations of meets, some or more on the last minute. But he kept being nice and when we finally hang out had the best time always, cheering me up laughing til we cried and hurt on the face. We always laughed and planned to get a revans of all the lost badminton games he had, beat him everytime. But he was never so sport oriented as much as I am; however after knowing each other for about 30 years now, he started to play tennis pretty intensively the last couple of years.
Was shocked on news last week, and quickly wanted to call him, but than again, it wouldn’t be proper. Not that we cared on norms at all, our friendship was that kind, where you could be yourself all the time. Like 2 yrs ago when i was just drinking at a bar terrace with Dr.J and he just showed up, and in no time he was part of our drinking gang, like it wasn’t the first time he met with my companion. Things like this happened quite often. We used to hang out like every weekdays after school at his family’s and weekends as well while in secondary, kept a more remote friendship through college, but than lost track of the constant being in touch base. We picked up almost where we left about 6-7 years ago, can’t remember precisely, it was so smooth like we’d never had a hiatus. And this was probably the last time we met in person, 2 yrs ago. We kept chatting I’d kept cancelling to meet. Than got pregnant and told him we could neither drink the night nor badminton the court for a while. Occasionally we wrote because something important was to be discussed, like the punk band he loved but all I knew that the name was also a clothing brand, I had to know the name cause I’d forgot. So I wrote him in the middle of the night and we chatted the night away. Than we kept on with our life and left the chat window untouched.
I’d never reached him when I was back to “normal” and ready to play badminton or tennis again or just simply hang out and catch up the lost time, somehow it was not part of my life anymore. He became not part of my life anymore.
But Thursday after my morning run, I had to get in touch with him, immediately. I felt struggling to actually call. I wrote him instead but he didn’t open and read it until Sunday.
Was crying for days, I let my deep friendship overtaken by life, by our so called important do-s of everydays. And I’m not sure he needs me by his side anymore. He wrote back Sunday night, and it was calming heartwarming and even more heartbreaking than I thought it could be. He was kind and short. Immediately replied that we should really go and play badminton. But this time it’s me who gotta accept his silence and distance.
It’s hard to talk about this. Although everyone talks about it and remembers and shares and have condolences. Different pov and I have nothing to share, but my memory jumps to one happy moment to another one. And I want to relive it in myself, it’s noone’s business really. It hurts, the fact, but I also take the note that how much it disturbs that everyone wants to share this loss and pain, they all post their own memories. Why does it bother me so much? Is it the guilt that I’ve never got in touch again with my friend who has now lost his brother. His sorrow I can’t even imagine, his probable feels and my guilt just rises above my mentalhealth.
We will go and play badminton soon I know. There are even higher stairs I gotta climb to make this happen. But it isn’t about playing badminton, it isn’t about how I feel about it, nor my guilt. It is about friendships and that you cannot let anyone down or left behind just because of the thought that you gotta do something important that day. Keep the relationships alive and on. Hugs on the daily basis are just as important as hugs to ease someone’s pain. I desperately want to give a big comforting hug, a long overdue one, and I hate myself for that.
This is my road-to of 2020. Keeping loved ones feel loved and important, regurarly talking and having fun or none; just be there. I wish this realization would had come earlier than bad things happen; why humans are so unsensitive until some big struggle happens. Long marathon this will be.