Friendship

Than at one point over the last 5 days just faced how bad of a friend I was really.

Opened the chatwindow and realized, I haven’t even answered for months. And reading backwards it showed nothing else but cancellatations of meets, some or more on the last minute. But he kept being nice and when we finally hang out had the best time always, cheering me up laughing til we cried and hurt on the face. We always laughed and planned to get a revans of all the lost badminton games he had, beat him everytime. But he was never so sport oriented as much as I am; however after knowing each other for about 30 years now, he started to play tennis pretty intensively the last couple of years.

Was shocked on news last week, and quickly wanted to call him, but than again, it wouldn’t be proper. Not that we cared on norms at all, our friendship was that kind, where you could be yourself all the time. Like 2 yrs ago when i was just drinking at a bar terrace with Dr.J and he just showed up, and in no time he was part of our drinking gang, like it wasn’t the first time he met with my companion. Things like this happened quite often. We used to hang out like every weekdays after school at his family’s and weekends as well while in secondary, kept a more remote friendship through college, but than lost track of the constant being in touch base. We picked up almost where we left about 6-7 years ago, can’t remember precisely, it was so smooth like we’d never had a hiatus. And this was probably the last time we met in person, 2 yrs ago. We kept chatting I’d kept cancelling to meet. Than got pregnant and told him we could neither drink the night nor badminton the court for a while. Occasionally we wrote because something important was to be discussed, like the punk band he loved but all I knew that the name was also a clothing brand, I had to know the name cause I’d forgot. So I wrote him in the middle of the night and we chatted the night away. Than we kept on with our life and left the chat window untouched.

I’d never reached him when I was back to “normal” and ready to play badminton or tennis again or just simply hang out and catch up the lost time, somehow it was not part of my life anymore. He became not part of my life anymore.

But Thursday after my morning run, I had to get in touch with him, immediately. I felt struggling to actually call. I wrote him instead but he didn’t open and read it until Sunday.

Was crying for days, I let my deep friendship overtaken by life, by our so called important do-s of everydays. And I’m not sure he needs me by his side anymore. He wrote back Sunday night, and it was calming heartwarming and even more heartbreaking than I thought it could be. He was kind and short. Immediately replied that we should really go and play badminton. But this time it’s me who gotta accept his silence and distance.

It’s hard to talk about this. Although everyone talks about it and remembers and shares and have condolences. Different pov and I have nothing to share, but my memory jumps to one happy moment to another one. And I want to relive it in myself, it’s noone’s business really. It hurts, the fact, but I also take the note that how much it disturbs that everyone wants to share this loss and pain, they all post their own memories. Why does it bother me so much? Is it the guilt that I’ve never got in touch again with my friend who has now lost his brother. His sorrow I can’t even imagine, his probable feels and my guilt just rises above my mentalhealth.

We will go and play badminton soon I know. There are even higher stairs I gotta climb to make this happen. But it isn’t about playing badminton, it isn’t about how I feel about it, nor my guilt. It is about friendships and that you cannot let anyone down or left behind just because of the thought that you gotta do something important that day. Keep the relationships alive and on. Hugs on the daily basis are just as important as hugs to ease someone’s pain. I desperately want to give a big comforting hug, a long overdue one, and I hate myself for that.

This is my road-to of 2020. Keeping loved ones feel loved and important, regurarly talking and having fun or none; just be there. I wish this realization would had come earlier than bad things happen; why humans are so unsensitive until some big struggle happens. Long marathon this will be.

Summer vs cold

Packed my running gear, just as usual.

Along with the toothbrushes the dozen towels, 3 bottles of quality proseccos and 1 of the favorite champagne, you know the orange one. Vintage.

With one full of a trunk took the road, which will be a regular from now on, weekends and for the ’20 summer to begin with.

Than I realized I’d packed no bikinis, but that wasn’t a biggie it was windbreaker jacket weather anyways, still I hoped for a dip in the lake, but dared not.

Wakeup call was as usual not that I needed an alarm, old/new routines makes me jump out of bed at 5:30 nowadays anyways. It’s a high, really like the wake up this way. Neh, waking up might be easy but other than that I was pretty uneasy to hit the road. Not the wind nor the cold would probably make me skip the run but rather the newness. Had no idea where I was exactly. Neighborhood still pretty unfamiliar, and not that it would stop me at any other time nor any european or overseas city, this time I stayed home. Postponed to later but postponed that too.

Weekend was spent with no running, well exploring and cleaning the place for the summer. Met friends but didn’t meet the running buddy. Ate and drank out and in too, but skipped the working out alltogether. Still burned a lot of calories by packing unpacking, hoovering and dusting, cleaning and scrubbing surfaces, running after the girls and chased the waves from the shore instead of on water.

Next weekend will be more active. Running-wise. Less drinking. Alcoholwise. Will keep the cosiness and the vacation mood however. Pretty charging this weekend was.

Dear dog owners

We are a bunch of girls, one more of us who took the photo.

We run and sweat like girls, we also seem to be kickass superwoman; but also, please don’t ask me about self confidence anyways.

3 out of 5 of us just a year ago experienced a pretty serious dog attack, one being later transfered to hospitals and even more later back to several shots of antibiotics and checkups. Pretty fvcked up cause she is also the one among us considered the doglover. Not that we don’t think they are cute, but not necessarily live our life to save them than feed them and live with them. Walk them on a daily x time basis.

We had our run, greenery, along the trees bringing our happiness with us to get even more from each other and the nature there we were laughing having fun, almost over with the track, as usual lost in translation of the track itself. We might like dogs but definitely not experts on understanding tracks. Nonetheless we seemed to go along the line indicated by our smart watches – finally had my watch back in the game too, though had no idea how to export upload and read the instructions and ways to go. It was a single track, or even a half track under our feet but we kept running in good spirit…. until our last in the line started yelling and seriously sped up. By the time I realized something was up – was on the empty stomach, really concentrated on the terrain and the feels, and once again was almost finished by the run- second to last girl was also screaming running front of the rest of us. Looked down and there was this dog barking at and chasing us like hell, and all I could think was to look for a tree to climb on it. But there was none considered climbable and we just stopped, 3 still screaming which left the two of us stay silent in horror. Until another, much bigger much angrier dog came barking AF. We had nowhere to run but that is not an option anyways. Dogs stopped but kept barking and spreading their saliva on us. One of us started to get confidence and yelled at the dogs while we got some branches from the ground, dogs slowly stopped still barking but as we carefully moved on step by step they didn’t move anymore towards us, we kept going in even pace with our treesticks in hand though there were no roads at any kind. We became victims of the situation and barnacles, not that we cared. It took 2 minutes when we started to gain confidence and could start running slowly. I wished I had a pulsecount on me at the time would be nice to see it later, but thought this should be my biggest problem at the time. Took another 20 minutes to find a path finally where we could calm our pulse and believe we might had survive. It really shocked me.

It still shocks me.

I feel sorry for the dogs they believed we were threat to them. I feel so much anger to their owner who although was seen on the scene did nothing or even worse looked the other way. These dogs were not on the walk, they were protecting its owner’s territory. In the middle of the forest where there goes a road for mountaineers. We ran – our fault – but wonder if the same happens when wanderers walk by; it’s a oretty popular route nonetheless.

This happened two days ago and we went back to the nature for a run today. Seriously felt the fear along the way when we passed fenced territories along the way. I jumped to all barking I’ve heard along the way. Feeling uncertain felt really unsafe. I know, first world problems, there are so much more going on in the world, so much more to be dissapointed about, feel anger and eager to act. But this morning all I feared was my own safety. And really hated to feel it.

Dear dog owners. Please don’t make your dogs your shield to feel safe by sending them out to attack innocent people, girls, runners. Seriously, i could not ever hit a dog with a tree branch although I carried one against them for couple of minutes.

And wanna feel safe when having the chance to feel nature. It feeds me with positivity and well needed now. I wanna snuggle the dog instead of hating and fearing and attacking it.

Dear owners, dear people, be human for the animals to be able to enjoy their – although closed and fenced – life of being animals.

Gosh and save me from this anxiety I feel for days now.

Keep searching “how to avoid dog attacks” on my device, keep watching youtube, listening to podcast and was never happier to know that tommorrow I will run in the city on the asphalt and only one dog can drive me crazy but that’s a cute little angry one, who is on leash and it’s owner who I keep yelling every morning to behave. Dear dog owners: you don’t have to scare us away!!!: