Team

 There are moments when you realize this is the moment. And there are of course the other ones, the ones missed, the ones overlooked perhaps unrealized. Momentum, when things change.

We are preparing to a challenge something so incredibly unrealistic I always thought would never happen, and it seemed so far away so so. We became a team like overnight, crazy ones for a crazy goal. And than we just started to prepare, to build our bodies to the challenge, we do it in solo, duo, or with groups of people. We kept and keep running. And perhaps all the way along we became buddies, we talk too. And I totally cannot recall when the momentum hit, when the running mates phase became a strong word still but a possible friendship. 

I’m pretty harsh when it comes to friendships just as or letting someone in my heart more precisely, I keep a distance as long as I can in order not to get hurt nor dissapointed in people. 

Trust I need.

Sometimes I still misjudge, but that’s part of the learning I guess. But back to the point without losing the topic and move to the next one as I always do even without finishing the sentence, the one I cannot exactly recall, perhaps because it is something that was built up parallel with running more and more together. It isn’t the race the pace the elevation the hows and the wows we talk about anymore, we talk life and books and interests, we talk sensitive issues, we  start to open up a bit. And that is when I realize we believe in each other, in the other’s power and we won’t let each other down. Strong bond for a strong team makes the brain switch to believe to be the strong mind too. While building our bodies we accidentally started to build our minds and souls for the plan no more but a goal to achieve we plan to take together. And this makes me ever so calm. Even though I have no idea when and where it all began none the less might not even matter. Not forced, not played, all that matters.

And how the mind switches becomes the race more and more realistic with the time getting less and less for the startline nervous jumping around.

I will get nervous I know, I will get doubts too, I know that too. But I also know that all doubts will come from doubts of myself and never my team mate.

And if we are able to accomplish and finish we will always remember this as doing together never alone.

Cannot wait to run together, suffer together and be proud and happy afterwards together.
Ultrabalaton in 30 days. 

Playground

  
Running.

It’s a playground out there, fill myself up with the run, in wind in cold, no matter the circumstances, harsh out there, playing tactical, racing myself, pushing some limits, only to realize my own worst enemy is to play the tactical playground. 

The city where I don’t mind the wind, the cold. For a brief moment I put on a smile while fighting with the hazelrain and the wind against and dare to show the teeth to the cold, I even sound like laughing, but in fact I’m thinking … To be there and to show it, the places, the athmosphere, the life which fills me up, although I’m ever so tired and sad. But the moment, when the smile came up to my face I realize the perfect moment never if ever to come true, I still smile, I still laugh. Brief and honest and beautiful. It is a playground out there, and I cannot play along if tactical and even logical thinking is involved. I play serious on emotions, I always did, and I will always do. 

On the way back home we accidentally run into each other I daydream, and in fact I do meet up with someone I know from running. I feel human, and I read some texts from the past just to drop the stone, though I can’t keep with reading words were heavy and beautiful now turned silence or even worse, empty words. My luck. 

Me, myself and I won’t let myself down, whatever however whoever can think whatever about me, I know I feel and this is what I will never ever regret. Being me. And playing myself. 

Accepting the terms and conditions as it is, warm heart I proudly present and keep on running. 

Because running makes partly who I am not obsessively but pretty addictively, additionally to something I would like to take care if and that is myself. #melearning

Days come and go, mood rise and shine just to turn blue or even grey the next moment, but this is what it is called life. Playing no playing here, I feel love and I guess this makes me alive, and although it is tough sometimes, I am greatful for that even when I cry. Because deep inside it is still a smile, for what I am, and I’m thankful for that. And seriously I try not to give a shit what others think. Confidence is something I won’t ever own, building myself up therefore is hard, and feeling lost makes me emptied too, although I just said I’m fine, I guess not, there should be a button I could switch and change the mood. Anytime.

But I’m fine too surprisingly, Fine/NotFine at the same time, parts are ok, partially working, parts are devastatingly awful, but I guess it could be worse. Running makes me beautiful and beautifully tired. Running makes me cry, so much to swallow on the salty water along the way, and those are not sweat, those are tears, the ones come with the moments of getoverit, but I just can’t and won’t because I love. Not like getting into the finishline only, nor the rundorphins that play around, not for a brief moment, before already starting on thinking the next race and the next pace. Not like being a butterfly flying from one shoulder to another. It is permament, … when you find your inner peace, only in this case, no peace involved. And there is no finishline.

Fighting with ever emerging thoughts whether it really worth it, the question and its object remains, but the answer might not be as important at all, being honest to myself it is ok to feel and it is  even better if not the best to feel so much. 

I’m not playing around. Fvck it. 

Meanwhile I’m munching and enjoying on some Godiva squares I had to buy at least for the good old times of the Amsterdam feeling. 

And now I’m back in the hoods.

Lux

 
At the Lux finally. Been here done that and I’m daydreaming … the music the vibe the feel. Want to show. Want to show my way. 

Started the day with some more sleep, turning from left side to right. I felt a bit of a guilt for not running the morning. But than again I ran at 10, with the junkies, hangovered? I wasn’t the most worn down. Easy pace and loads a talk, fun to feel the power of running crewlove especially in this city.

Day going by so fast, the whole trip going by so fast. With a whole lot of daydreaming along, no time to meet up with quite a few, no time to visit stores, nor to stand in line for the museums. A quicky. 

But I sticked to the plan, Lux is a must. It used to be white, the white bar, minimalistic with the best hapjes bij jouw drinks. Assorted nuts but all from the best. Or perhaps, I was still in university and had no taste in food at all and it didn’t matter. No nuts with drinks, no more white minimalism, but the same crowd, where I still feel I belong, I don’t feel old. Not today, never in fact. I drink, in fact I drink too much. 

There are no limits – quote of my day. Run drink run. Smoke as well. Bad girl. Who daydreams.

I look at the wall, and i wonder if the painting is more like me or KateMoss. Doesn’t matter, I like it.
 

Home

 
In A’dam.

Something is different here compare to any and/or another country, perhaps the openness of the mankind, talking about nothing seriouss with strangers. Italians do it the same, but the dutch way I prefer.  Leaving for an early run, never done this before here. I see people still coming from one place going to the other. Party faces. Already sunrise, already saturday morning. Never done this before. 

Never ran at this hour here, in fact I probably went to one place to another as well. Youth me, young me.

I went to Vondelpark to run, so empty, I almost feel lost. Running the streets where all the litter still awaits to be cleaned up. I remember when walking the streets early morning with the cleaning squad in full service, and I thought that was early, but in fact this is early. Me running so early. Litter on the streets. I run along, I know every corner, though some stores closed down and new came along. Noticing the change and the well remained. The pizza place we used to go to, the albert heijn where the security guard was the same one I hung out with at the jazz bar I called my regular place. I run along the designer store used to be opened from 8pm on til midnight, owned by the best gays I met in this city. When they opened a filiale in Berlin, I was so happy to step by, only to realize it isn’t the same. They are not open, in fact it is shut down, the flag store on the Spuyt. I go and check Laundry Industry where I used to spend all my money for clothes – well, my dad’s money more precisely- , it is also gone. Nike town as well under construction. Run along. PC Hoofdstraat, in the corner was my Godiva heaven. Gone, shut down, and I’m devastated. All my stores seem to be restored by a Gstar store, really? 

I missed the run with the Pattas, but meeting for a wine afterwards, it feels natural. Instagram really makes people meet and find each other. Tomorrow I go with the Junkies, cannot wait for that run.

Still early in terms of Amsterdam time. Sunday, before noon it is all silent and calm. I meet Natalie, and she shows me the special cookies she bought for the king’s day. We go to Vondelpark, it is raining, it is a bit windy, I start to sip my first wine glass around noon. Ik voel plezier, in fact I love it. People are different here. They are talkative and easy. You make contact in such a short notice. It is small talk, but this is my way. i did it my way – love the song performed by Herman though. Will always remember him like that, he did it his way jumping off the Hilton I wish I could hate him for that. Talking to everyone – I love your shoes/ ik hou van je schoen, ben je ook hardlopen soms? Do you also run? I smoke and he smokes, he is high I’m tipsy, and we both run, but it is Konign Dag evening , no surprise. I go into the adidas store, just in case, I really wish for the Stan Smith ones. Out of stock, I knew, I checked. Being a nikebaby anyways. I need those shoes I cannot seem to find.

Hazel starts turns rain, usual I got used to it, 10-15 yrs ago. I give my hat to the daughter but she wants my cycling cap, understandable, it is pink, so wr trade and change; at first it seems weird, but than again, ownership matters do not matter.

I start to feel the celebration after a bottle of wine, I get some compliments on my oranje flyknits I’m wearing. Though there are my running shoes, I wear prouldy, cause only I know the thruth:  I only brought this one pair for the trip, hoping to find new ones in town. Instead, defeat lead me to spend my shoe money on some sour gummy bears, in fact, a lot.

I gotta brush my teeth after and gotta go to Lux again. 

Saturday night live, I’m a runner I’m a lover, I’m full of life. 

And overdoses on snoopje.

Bike dem

 
When in Rome… Not, I’m back to hometown, the one I socialized and grew up in. My second home, or more precisely, my home. Amsterdam. Damn fine, I’m so feeling it, and cannot wait to meet all and everyone. 

Bike dem on the best surface, rain and wind, and sunshine. So long, so now it seems, and weeks went but felt like hours, I’m so feeling it. 

Starting at the Balie for a quick dinner/wine, the one I spent my young me at, looking at the table next, the girl feelin’ happy having the uitstralling, the vibe I used to have, talking to this man, probably a Jan or a Jip, or a van der Linden, a one night stand or someone for years, like a Laurens, might be one of the thousands or someone you plan a life with, and she is so energetic and drinking biertje. And it all comes back the days I spent here, the weeks felt like hours. 

Uitstralling I still have, guys still notice, I still notice, in fact I’m confidence and decandent, love the way strangers are so friendly, I missed that, I look out of the window, looking at the lined up cabs, looking for Sacha my girl, the model/taxidriver we posed for too many magazines sometimes together, the girl we used to live on gummibears with, just across the street, the pathé we always went for Tuesday’s nights for sneak previews with some beer, and enjoyed for two guldens. We watched good and so bad movies, and later we got into Paradiso to dance the night away. Even later, early morning we moved to the Lux, now called something else I will enter in an hour or so once again. The Haagen Dazs became an H&M, that feels a downgrade, but the receptionist at the hotel seems familiar, and we already talked a bit, knows my way, had been to Cooldown omg this is embarassing but I did too, having the dreadlocks, and totally knows my way. Herman Brood we talk about, did you really know him, indeed I was painted together with Sacha just so many years ago by him. Yes, Sacha’s dad is the one having the jazz bar so awesome just a block away from my old flat, we should definitely go to tomorrow, this is his day off. Daughter loves it too, feels me loving it, she is mesmerized by the shoowindow of the mini store, I haven’t seen, must be new, she points out a car she wants, hah, if she knew.

Bakfiets sightseeing, we hope the weather stays as beautiful as it is. 

Must wake up early though, run awaits, locking down the bike for the day, I love this city, I lived this city. 

I must go. Vibe is so on, I missed it. Daughter sleeping, sun sat as well it is night, and I’m downstairs, casually talking with a bier in hand with someone I didn’t even know five minutes ago, but it is all good, it is all so natufal, the bier getting the foam upgraded with a napkin. Online mode turns offline now to enjoy the fullest. Because I’m back, the scandinavian in the Nederlands I was always phrased. I must be drunk though. 

run baby run

  

Seen on the walls of NY.

Only is present tense. Run.

Because when the sun comes up new days new ways new routes come along. Or not. Maybe it is the same way the same pace the same time the same guy the same girls, but it is still the run, the lonely, the solo, the social, the fun, the worse and the better or perhaps the best. Run to be flat or hilly, hard terrain, single track, on the track, rainy or warm, cold or chilly, easy or hard, laughing or wrinkled or perhaps both. The shoes feel good or bad, they are comfortable or nice, ugly and runned down, brand new or pink or black, feel ok or just pretty nice, nike or hoka. Beauty and the beast. The mood to go or not go, but still go, or give up to sleep and or dream something bad, or to dream something so beautifully idealistic, or go and hate or go and love, or simply go because the alarm went off and just simply love, purely as nothing else matters. Than and there.

Run. Addiction, therapy, fun, moving, flying, joy-ing enjoying, hate, love.

Morning early or earlier, or later, after or before coffee, noon, for lunch, before or after lunch, at 2pm when the kids are asleep and a friend helps, 4 when the kids are at the playground with friends just for a quick 5.4 km, evening when the sun sets, night when the citylights are beautiful. Or midnight I’ve never done before. Or night when headlamp is needed. 

Anywhere and everywhere. 

We are the best. In real no ideals.

D I S T A N C E

Life is like intervalls.

Writing it out.

Runs are measured through distance. Love is measured through distance.
Run is also measured by time. Love too.
Writing it out.
Trying it out.
Life is such a joke, if lived jokingly, it was the work just a week ago, now it’s life what makes me running around. Literally. Time management issues. Do you have a minute? Not much left this week, today, this hour, in this specific minute. My thoughts are occupied, only to realize my thoughts needs to be occupied. Routines and unexpected life situations, like living in a normal world. But it is work as well. And life as well. Hard to sneak the running in. Overloading with todo-s to be checked and done.
Seasonal additions, like packing for an afternoon running in the morning – because I was invited but did not go run in dawn -, yesterday was cold, I packed for a semi-cold run just to realize by 10am that it is summer, and will melt in clothes I was willing to wear the afternoon. Overexplained.
Momduty additions, like realizing passport and ID too expired, waiting in lines for an urgent process in order to be able to travel – which I just don’t feel like doing right now – before taking the usual routes to the kindergarten. Shopping for just another birthday bash, third on the week, though it is only wednesday. My daughter is popular.
Friendly additions, like meeting one for a coffee to talk, and hopefully laugh – this needs to be postponed, work additions came top of the hill. Another one, not even a friend, but seems friendly, keep contacting for a friendly chat for two days. Cancelling once again might lead to not contacting me no more? Not that it is that important, gossiping only? Who knows, who cares.

Life is like intervalls. There are minutes you stop, but so tired you just cannot calm down, and by the time you should enjoy the moment, next speed time is up. Running in circles – literally.
You wish for a happy ending, when it is still not the end, but the point to enjoy and lie down just to acknowledge and rest. Like intervalls. You push and than you rest a bit in order to be able to run again. There must be some academic word for this, some word runners say when I don’t listen, the chineese ones heh.
But then when intervall training finishes, euphoria gets into the way, the fvckin’ didit feeling, that is what is missing in life after a peak of the intervall part, that is becuase it is neverending though. No end to a life as a practice.

Just realized I had a moment today. Enjoy? Should however, my head is still out of the water. Sounds in my ears, don’t feel it today, mood. Something is missing, perhaps my interest in anything really.

Distance-wise? I must have run/walk/speedwalked quite a quatermarathon today, still I have not put on my running flyknits. I’m in my Acne sneakers, the one with the smiley face. No smile nor unhappy face to be precise.

These ones. Mood of the day. I like these shoes. Good for the distance. Meaningful for the distancing.

Because distance is something between A & B. But also for A to B. The way is a distance. And time perhaps.

One of those posts that makes no sense while makes sense. No nonsense.

Weatherbeautiful and I wish I could run some distance. But I know I have intervalls in the evening. In gear I will melt in. Like those bonbons I have not have the willpower to start eating, and will probably melt in the summerheat at one point. But that is in distance in time. Summer is still not here, hey.
Got so much until then.

Why

Kathrine Switzer, Boston Marathon 1967
Illegal Finisher

And this other one.
I got to have the chance to sneak into lives through social media. This is how I found this lady, the one really inspired me to restart running, but in fact her whole attitude what really caught me, the power and the easiness in her everyday and not easy life that came through her photos so catching my eyes, I wanted to live her life I assume. I checked her page on a daily basis to get some of her vibe, to see what she is up to, is she was doing ok. She occasionally posted running related photos, more and more as time passed. I wanted to feel the same she felt. The single mom, the working woman, the running mate, the kickass coppenhagen babe. Role model of a kind, though I thought some things I could do better perhaps. But in the other hand I was mesmerized how she always managed to stay happy and inspirational even though being single and with kids, working but still having time to run and be nice to every single person.
We started talking when she and her friends launched a movement, and they thought I was a good one to join somehow. I did and felt proud. We kept in touch on a really basic way. Until now, when she wrote me and asked me how I do it.
And I didn’t understand what she meant. She is the most inspiration for me, the smile, the willpower she broadcasts, I thought she must know better than asking me, the complete zombie I am being lately.
We project things into others. But in order to see her, him, them in true light you gotta look into yourself first. What you need, what you want need to be burried away, all selfisness and proudness must be left behind and than can be the object analyzed. True and naked perhaps, no allures, no playing around, nothing but the person itself in her or his pure values.

Time is pretty subjective in this case I guess, weeks passed since we started our conversation. Like hungry lions turned crazy elementary school kids. We have a common interest. We run. For different reasons perhaps, bit for the same goal, to feel ourselves in our pure selves, naked down to our bones and muscles if any, not in my case though. No muscles no problems, not exactly.

Why?
Do
We
Run

Why do I carry a dream? Why do I get out there and push myself so hard I cannot even remember how I got there and later got home. And in fact don’t remember what I’ve done last night, and just five minutes ago. Is this fvcking real? Feeling so high and so low? I want to spend just one day to find it out.

Why
Do
We
Run

While running we talk a bit, not much. Everyone leaves the minute our run is over, we have a life, we must go. I do not only run for the run only anymore. I run, because I enjoy the company, more or less or even most. Do I know anyone, does anyone know me at all? Are they interested in my personality? Or am I? Would be so nice to meet people with a change of view and activity, to see them in jeans and or no technical shirts. See them in real light, no neon colors making their face look darker or faded even more. Talk about the same things, but not checking our watch for km average.

This lady reached out to me, once again she was the one, who wanted to know more than the average wants to know. More than PB-s, more than basic smiles. She was interested in me as much as I am interested in her, only she dared to ask me, the true motives, the harshness of eveydays, the life we live out of picture frames and fancy hastags. The real us. What is inside.

And I realized. I run not only for the fitness, not only for the body image, nor for the runner’s high, but to get to know pure souls with no labels, but lives.

No ordinary run

Being a guide is something.

I really wanted to run this race, but I was never good in planning long term ahead, so obiviously this race was as well sold out as so many races I’ve been trying to register for.
Vivicitta is not something extraordinary, hardly comperable to any major Ms, nor Gotheburg’s varvet. But it’s Budapest’s own race season opening of a kind for the last 30 years. I still have the very first race shirt, although it was earned by my dad, and I used it proudly as a pyjama for years.
Nonsuprisingly by the time I woke up this year to finally register, it was already sold out. Suprisingly in Hungarian standars though.
I really wanted to run this race just as much as Vienna marathon which I couldn’t attend either. Daughter had a theater ticket, and afterall it was well worth to go there instead running a marathon. #beingamom
As much as I wanted to run Vivicitta, I also let it go somehow, putting deep inside of me to the rest of the others, with the cannots, must nots, and forget about its. Morals and the missing of races.
But than came the light the end of the tunnel – I love open windows to get back into closed doored houses – because afterall I could just help. Help while running. Or run while help. Or whatever. Being a guide. And the whole purpose just changed in one second. It is like the princess who had to bring and not bring present at the same time to the king.

Being a guide to a visually impaired girl for a half marathon I thought would make me feel enormously emotional, and in fact it did. Not because she looked someone I should be sorry for, not at all. She was so vitally crazy and smiley, talkative and open, she was happy and full of life. Entering the start area my heart jumped out of place, but I wasn’t racenervousness at all. In fact I was so not there, I did not even know where we ran afterall. Lining up I was feeling sorry for myself, me, who never had done that before. Seriously, I had to shout at myself, this girl relies on my presence and all I could do is drop tears on something I was told not to worth to cry for. I do believe it worth it, but I also had to switch my mind to ignore mode. Not that I could, nor I can. But I had to push it deep down once again, and concentrate. The race was fun and easy and cold. Yes, I was cold inside and out. It was something throughout the race I did it automatically. And I felt so guilty all the way. Although, I not only guided her, I also pushed another one on her first halfmarathon, meanwhile feeling sorry for myself not to run it as my hardest as usual. To get those must nots, forget its, saying hello, like we are strangers moments out of my head, to step on them and to get a good laugh at the end. Or sweat at least, because it is not something I can just throw away it seems. #lifelearning.
Automatic mode stayed on, as it is on for some time now, doing what it is told to be done for me. Still dreaming though, beautiful things, wrinkled ones in fact.
Automatic mode stayed on, concentration to say hi/sorry/weneedspace/thank/sorry/haveanicerun for over a hundred times, listening to the other guide, who I didn’t hear- automatic switch off mode was turned on as well. But after a while, I started to do a good job, as the girls started to loose motivation, around 16K. Making some so american comments, cheered and pushed them, clapped and sang, and danced to them, and we pushed her to do a PB for her. Getting her into the finishline under 2 hours, first halfer also did great.
Just as passing the finishline.
Because although I was nowhere near to my time and PB, nor did I drop any sweat during, the minute of realising how happy they were to had done it made me feel a human too. Hugging and screaming were enormous, accepting interview questions so much less, wanted to hide, but was happy for them. They were really something! They fvcking did it! And it made me happy -ish too.

After race already feeling half human we went for a beer. Automatic mode switched back on, though was glad to be with great men, and I was thankful.
It took another couple of hours and routine daily methods to ease up and calm myself down. I had to. Still fake smile on, I got a message from the girl thanking for the help. And that was the point it really hit me. Because afterall she helped me, and it wasn’t me. It was not about me. It was her achievment, and I could take part to be happy for her. And she really did something.
I could run another race another pace, I could push myself, I could even run a good time and regret I didn’t push enough as soon as passing the finishline, but what it is compared to what she did. She did something extraordinary in her terms, something she is so happy for.

I know that happiness is relative and is a question whether it worth to chase, but lady N really showed the pure essence of its importance.

We kept messaging each other til late night, I soon forgot the logical question of how she could read me, and kept writing. Life is full of surprises, and you never know when you meet someone who bring emotions to your life. #lifelearning #melearning

Smilers.
It was some race I will not forget for a long time.

Comfortzone

It is something you really wish for and have do the total opposite. Seriously out of comfortzone. But in running when you achieve you are glad to have it done. Proud and happy. I prefer running to be out of comfortzone instead of the rest of life please. In fact I would promise to take all track attack intervalls just in case. An running up that hill. Ooh, but I like that.

There are things you cannot really plan nor schedule. Things you cannot controll in life. Some you can. Like emotional ones. Yeah right. Being cinical.
Not really.
15 K for the day. Wind checks in and this leads to enormous downfall. Seriously, I got enough of the wind. Seriously? I’m pissed off. I’m not an easy one, I’m not someone who play around with. Pissed off.
These are PC words.
Seriously out of comfortzone
Not that comfortzone would be easier, but anyways, no words can explain.
I’m probably worth more. Worth more said some time ago, said everytime.
But afterall I’m not.
No pain no gain.
Fvck.
Whatever.
Because I’m not. I’ m just someone for the moment, and that it is. To totally turn backs on to, and leave behind.
Like a hygge.
….