Team

 There are moments when you realize this is the moment. And there are of course the other ones, the ones missed, the ones overlooked perhaps unrealized. Momentum, when things change.

We are preparing to a challenge something so incredibly unrealistic I always thought would never happen, and it seemed so far away so so. We became a team like overnight, crazy ones for a crazy goal. And than we just started to prepare, to build our bodies to the challenge, we do it in solo, duo, or with groups of people. We kept and keep running. And perhaps all the way along we became buddies, we talk too. And I totally cannot recall when the momentum hit, when the running mates phase became a strong word still but a possible friendship. 

I’m pretty harsh when it comes to friendships just as or letting someone in my heart more precisely, I keep a distance as long as I can in order not to get hurt nor dissapointed in people. 

Trust I need.

Sometimes I still misjudge, but that’s part of the learning I guess. But back to the point without losing the topic and move to the next one as I always do even without finishing the sentence, the one I cannot exactly recall, perhaps because it is something that was built up parallel with running more and more together. It isn’t the race the pace the elevation the hows and the wows we talk about anymore, we talk life and books and interests, we talk sensitive issues, we  start to open up a bit. And that is when I realize we believe in each other, in the other’s power and we won’t let each other down. Strong bond for a strong team makes the brain switch to believe to be the strong mind too. While building our bodies we accidentally started to build our minds and souls for the plan no more but a goal to achieve we plan to take together. And this makes me ever so calm. Even though I have no idea when and where it all began none the less might not even matter. Not forced, not played, all that matters.

And how the mind switches becomes the race more and more realistic with the time getting less and less for the startline nervous jumping around.

I will get nervous I know, I will get doubts too, I know that too. But I also know that all doubts will come from doubts of myself and never my team mate.

And if we are able to accomplish and finish we will always remember this as doing together never alone.

Cannot wait to run together, suffer together and be proud and happy afterwards together.
Ultrabalaton in 30 days. 

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Playground

  
Running.

It’s a playground out there, fill myself up with the run, in wind in cold, no matter the circumstances, harsh out there, playing tactical, racing myself, pushing some limits, only to realize my own worst enemy is to play the tactical playground. 

The city where I don’t mind the wind, the cold. For a brief moment I put on a smile while fighting with the hazelrain and the wind against and dare to show the teeth to the cold, I even sound like laughing, but in fact I’m thinking … To be there and to show it, the places, the athmosphere, the life which fills me up, although I’m ever so tired and sad. But the moment, when the smile came up to my face I realize the perfect moment never if ever to come true, I still smile, I still laugh. Brief and honest and beautiful. It is a playground out there, and I cannot play along if tactical and even logical thinking is involved. I play serious on emotions, I always did, and I will always do. 

On the way back home we accidentally run into each other I daydream, and in fact I do meet up with someone I know from running. I feel human, and I read some texts from the past just to drop the stone, though I can’t keep with reading words were heavy and beautiful now turned silence or even worse, empty words. My luck. 

Me, myself and I won’t let myself down, whatever however whoever can think whatever about me, I know I feel and this is what I will never ever regret. Being me. And playing myself. 

Accepting the terms and conditions as it is, warm heart I proudly present and keep on running. 

Because running makes partly who I am not obsessively but pretty addictively, additionally to something I would like to take care if and that is myself. #melearning

Days come and go, mood rise and shine just to turn blue or even grey the next moment, but this is what it is called life. Playing no playing here, I feel love and I guess this makes me alive, and although it is tough sometimes, I am greatful for that even when I cry. Because deep inside it is still a smile, for what I am, and I’m thankful for that. And seriously I try not to give a shit what others think. Confidence is something I won’t ever own, building myself up therefore is hard, and feeling lost makes me emptied too, although I just said I’m fine, I guess not, there should be a button I could switch and change the mood. Anytime.

But I’m fine too surprisingly, Fine/NotFine at the same time, parts are ok, partially working, parts are devastatingly awful, but I guess it could be worse. Running makes me beautiful and beautifully tired. Running makes me cry, so much to swallow on the salty water along the way, and those are not sweat, those are tears, the ones come with the moments of getoverit, but I just can’t and won’t because I love. Not like getting into the finishline only, nor the rundorphins that play around, not for a brief moment, before already starting on thinking the next race and the next pace. Not like being a butterfly flying from one shoulder to another. It is permament, … when you find your inner peace, only in this case, no peace involved. And there is no finishline.

Fighting with ever emerging thoughts whether it really worth it, the question and its object remains, but the answer might not be as important at all, being honest to myself it is ok to feel and it is  even better if not the best to feel so much. 

I’m not playing around. Fvck it. 

Meanwhile I’m munching and enjoying on some Godiva squares I had to buy at least for the good old times of the Amsterdam feeling. 

And now I’m back in the hoods.

Lux

 
At the Lux finally. Been here done that and I’m daydreaming … the music the vibe the feel. Want to show. Want to show my way. 

Started the day with some more sleep, turning from left side to right. I felt a bit of a guilt for not running the morning. But than again I ran at 10, with the junkies, hangovered? I wasn’t the most worn down. Easy pace and loads a talk, fun to feel the power of running crewlove especially in this city.

Day going by so fast, the whole trip going by so fast. With a whole lot of daydreaming along, no time to meet up with quite a few, no time to visit stores, nor to stand in line for the museums. A quicky. 

But I sticked to the plan, Lux is a must. It used to be white, the white bar, minimalistic with the best hapjes bij jouw drinks. Assorted nuts but all from the best. Or perhaps, I was still in university and had no taste in food at all and it didn’t matter. No nuts with drinks, no more white minimalism, but the same crowd, where I still feel I belong, I don’t feel old. Not today, never in fact. I drink, in fact I drink too much. 

There are no limits – quote of my day. Run drink run. Smoke as well. Bad girl. Who daydreams.

I look at the wall, and i wonder if the painting is more like me or KateMoss. Doesn’t matter, I like it.
 

Home

 
In A’dam.

Something is different here compare to any and/or another country, perhaps the openness of the mankind, talking about nothing seriouss with strangers. Italians do it the same, but the dutch way I prefer.  Leaving for an early run, never done this before here. I see people still coming from one place going to the other. Party faces. Already sunrise, already saturday morning. Never done this before. 

Never ran at this hour here, in fact I probably went to one place to another as well. Youth me, young me.

I went to Vondelpark to run, so empty, I almost feel lost. Running the streets where all the litter still awaits to be cleaned up. I remember when walking the streets early morning with the cleaning squad in full service, and I thought that was early, but in fact this is early. Me running so early. Litter on the streets. I run along, I know every corner, though some stores closed down and new came along. Noticing the change and the well remained. The pizza place we used to go to, the albert heijn where the security guard was the same one I hung out with at the jazz bar I called my regular place. I run along the designer store used to be opened from 8pm on til midnight, owned by the best gays I met in this city. When they opened a filiale in Berlin, I was so happy to step by, only to realize it isn’t the same. They are not open, in fact it is shut down, the flag store on the Spuyt. I go and check Laundry Industry where I used to spend all my money for clothes – well, my dad’s money more precisely- , it is also gone. Nike town as well under construction. Run along. PC Hoofdstraat, in the corner was my Godiva heaven. Gone, shut down, and I’m devastated. All my stores seem to be restored by a Gstar store, really? 

I missed the run with the Pattas, but meeting for a wine afterwards, it feels natural. Instagram really makes people meet and find each other. Tomorrow I go with the Junkies, cannot wait for that run.

Still early in terms of Amsterdam time. Sunday, before noon it is all silent and calm. I meet Natalie, and she shows me the special cookies she bought for the king’s day. We go to Vondelpark, it is raining, it is a bit windy, I start to sip my first wine glass around noon. Ik voel plezier, in fact I love it. People are different here. They are talkative and easy. You make contact in such a short notice. It is small talk, but this is my way. i did it my way – love the song performed by Herman though. Will always remember him like that, he did it his way jumping off the Hilton I wish I could hate him for that. Talking to everyone – I love your shoes/ ik hou van je schoen, ben je ook hardlopen soms? Do you also run? I smoke and he smokes, he is high I’m tipsy, and we both run, but it is Konign Dag evening , no surprise. I go into the adidas store, just in case, I really wish for the Stan Smith ones. Out of stock, I knew, I checked. Being a nikebaby anyways. I need those shoes I cannot seem to find.

Hazel starts turns rain, usual I got used to it, 10-15 yrs ago. I give my hat to the daughter but she wants my cycling cap, understandable, it is pink, so wr trade and change; at first it seems weird, but than again, ownership matters do not matter.

I start to feel the celebration after a bottle of wine, I get some compliments on my oranje flyknits I’m wearing. Though there are my running shoes, I wear prouldy, cause only I know the thruth:  I only brought this one pair for the trip, hoping to find new ones in town. Instead, defeat lead me to spend my shoe money on some sour gummy bears, in fact, a lot.

I gotta brush my teeth after and gotta go to Lux again. 

Saturday night live, I’m a runner I’m a lover, I’m full of life. 

And overdoses on snoopje.

Bike dem

 
When in Rome… Not, I’m back to hometown, the one I socialized and grew up in. My second home, or more precisely, my home. Amsterdam. Damn fine, I’m so feeling it, and cannot wait to meet all and everyone. 

Bike dem on the best surface, rain and wind, and sunshine. So long, so now it seems, and weeks went but felt like hours, I’m so feeling it. 

Starting at the Balie for a quick dinner/wine, the one I spent my young me at, looking at the table next, the girl feelin’ happy having the uitstralling, the vibe I used to have, talking to this man, probably a Jan or a Jip, or a van der Linden, a one night stand or someone for years, like a Laurens, might be one of the thousands or someone you plan a life with, and she is so energetic and drinking biertje. And it all comes back the days I spent here, the weeks felt like hours. 

Uitstralling I still have, guys still notice, I still notice, in fact I’m confidence and decandent, love the way strangers are so friendly, I missed that, I look out of the window, looking at the lined up cabs, looking for Sacha my girl, the model/taxidriver we posed for too many magazines sometimes together, the girl we used to live on gummibears with, just across the street, the pathé we always went for Tuesday’s nights for sneak previews with some beer, and enjoyed for two guldens. We watched good and so bad movies, and later we got into Paradiso to dance the night away. Even later, early morning we moved to the Lux, now called something else I will enter in an hour or so once again. The Haagen Dazs became an H&M, that feels a downgrade, but the receptionist at the hotel seems familiar, and we already talked a bit, knows my way, had been to Cooldown omg this is embarassing but I did too, having the dreadlocks, and totally knows my way. Herman Brood we talk about, did you really know him, indeed I was painted together with Sacha just so many years ago by him. Yes, Sacha’s dad is the one having the jazz bar so awesome just a block away from my old flat, we should definitely go to tomorrow, this is his day off. Daughter loves it too, feels me loving it, she is mesmerized by the shoowindow of the mini store, I haven’t seen, must be new, she points out a car she wants, hah, if she knew.

Bakfiets sightseeing, we hope the weather stays as beautiful as it is. 

Must wake up early though, run awaits, locking down the bike for the day, I love this city, I lived this city. 

I must go. Vibe is so on, I missed it. Daughter sleeping, sun sat as well it is night, and I’m downstairs, casually talking with a bier in hand with someone I didn’t even know five minutes ago, but it is all good, it is all so natufal, the bier getting the foam upgraded with a napkin. Online mode turns offline now to enjoy the fullest. Because I’m back, the scandinavian in the Nederlands I was always phrased. I must be drunk though. 

run baby run

  

Seen on the walls of NY.

Only is present tense. Run.

Because when the sun comes up new days new ways new routes come along. Or not. Maybe it is the same way the same pace the same time the same guy the same girls, but it is still the run, the lonely, the solo, the social, the fun, the worse and the better or perhaps the best. Run to be flat or hilly, hard terrain, single track, on the track, rainy or warm, cold or chilly, easy or hard, laughing or wrinkled or perhaps both. The shoes feel good or bad, they are comfortable or nice, ugly and runned down, brand new or pink or black, feel ok or just pretty nice, nike or hoka. Beauty and the beast. The mood to go or not go, but still go, or give up to sleep and or dream something bad, or to dream something so beautifully idealistic, or go and hate or go and love, or simply go because the alarm went off and just simply love, purely as nothing else matters. Than and there.

Run. Addiction, therapy, fun, moving, flying, joy-ing enjoying, hate, love.

Morning early or earlier, or later, after or before coffee, noon, for lunch, before or after lunch, at 2pm when the kids are asleep and a friend helps, 4 when the kids are at the playground with friends just for a quick 5.4 km, evening when the sun sets, night when the citylights are beautiful. Or midnight I’ve never done before. Or night when headlamp is needed. 

Anywhere and everywhere. 

We are the best. In real no ideals.

D I S T A N C E

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Life is like intervalls.

Writing it out.

Runs are measured through distance. Love is measured through distance.
Run is also measured by time. Love too.
Writing it out.
Trying it out.
Life is such a joke, if lived jokingly, it was the work just a week ago, now it’s life what makes me running around. Literally. Time management issues. Do you have a minute? Not much left this week, today, this hour, in this specific minute. My thoughts are occupied, only to realize my thoughts needs to be occupied. Routines and unexpected life situations, like living in a normal world. But it is work as well. And life as well. Hard to sneak the running in. Overloading with todo-s to be checked and done.
Seasonal additions, like packing for an afternoon running in the morning – because I was invited but did not go run in dawn -, yesterday was cold, I packed for a semi-cold run just to realize by 10am that it is summer, and will melt in clothes I was willing to wear the afternoon. Overexplained.
Momduty additions, like realizing passport and ID too expired, waiting in lines for an urgent process in order to be able to travel – which I just don’t feel like doing right now – before taking the usual routes to the kindergarten. Shopping for just another birthday bash, third on the week, though it is only wednesday. My daughter is popular.
Friendly additions, like meeting one for a coffee to talk, and hopefully laugh – this needs to be postponed, work additions came top of the hill. Another one, not even a friend, but seems friendly, keep contacting for a friendly chat for two days. Cancelling once again might lead to not contacting me no more? Not that it is that important, gossiping only? Who knows, who cares.

Life is like intervalls. There are minutes you stop, but so tired you just cannot calm down, and by the time you should enjoy the moment, next speed time is up. Running in circles – literally.
You wish for a happy ending, when it is still not the end, but the point to enjoy and lie down just to acknowledge and rest. Like intervalls. You push and than you rest a bit in order to be able to run again. There must be some academic word for this, some word runners say when I don’t listen, the chineese ones heh.
But then when intervall training finishes, euphoria gets into the way, the fvckin’ didit feeling, that is what is missing in life after a peak of the intervall part, that is becuase it is neverending though. No end to a life as a practice.

Just realized I had a moment today. Enjoy? Should however, my head is still out of the water. Sounds in my ears, don’t feel it today, mood. Something is missing, perhaps my interest in anything really.

Distance-wise? I must have run/walk/speedwalked quite a quatermarathon today, still I have not put on my running flyknits. I’m in my Acne sneakers, the one with the smiley face. No smile nor unhappy face to be precise.

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These ones. Mood of the day. I like these shoes. Good for the distance. Meaningful for the distancing.

Because distance is something between A & B. But also for A to B. The way is a distance. And time perhaps.

One of those posts that makes no sense while makes sense. No nonsense.

Weatherbeautiful and I wish I could run some distance. But I know I have intervalls in the evening. In gear I will melt in. Like those bonbons I have not have the willpower to start eating, and will probably melt in the summerheat at one point. But that is in distance in time. Summer is still not here, hey.
Got so much until then.