The run is yours

  
It’s been exactly a week since Facebook group of Hungarian Runner’s Community made so much traffic, and this time not the usual thought to be funny jokes that rose awareness, nor the shoestesting or the everboring ‘hi, can anyone tell me what to wear in cold weather for a run’ questions that used to nominate on the feed. Never had read those anyways.

A girl posted a week ago, that she was attacked during her run on the popular Margaret Island where probably majority of Budapest based recreational runners go for a round or two. Easy to reach as it is downtown area, one lap is a bit more than 5 K so easy for everyone, as everyone starts with one lap. Budapest runners actually don’t count personal best in 5 or 10km but rather in island laps.

She was attacked, and therefore later she posted: do not go alone for a run, it is dangerous, it is Budapest 2015. Sounds a bit overreactive and a bit more seeking for attention rather than actually raise awarness by telling facts, but it did anyways. The facebook group boomed in no seconds; everyone asking for details – never got any -, gave advise – thanks but no thanks -, but what they also did was suggesting to run together. And it happened like that. Guys started posting about what time in what pace they are planning to go for a run saying that any girls could join them. Not that for me it feels less fearing, but it was also nice to see that runners unite as soon as an issue occurs. 

And there it went, small groups of people meet up and go for a run in the evenings, more joining them along the way for a run. 

On the other hand I hate to feel any fear along my run, as much as I feel sorry for the girl, and really it is terrible that you gotta still constantly check on the outside world while running, I also think that Budapest is a capital and even if pretty small and having a crimerate on the lower side, things like this happen, I also got mad at the fact that it might had affected quite a few women on their running routines. 

The run is yours. In Budapest, in Toronto – where the same happened just recently -, or anywhere in the world. I opt not to live in fear, but hopefully take good caution while running.

But I also gotta say, it is nice to see a community getting active like this and trying to find solution for the problem rather than finding stereotipic guilty ones. Thank you for not having the typical Hungarian mentality and pointing to suspected criminals and rather help. Running culture in the united runners of the world.

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Losses

  
art by Yael Bartana

Losing a hat here and there, some unpaired gloves remain, even socks gone missing, all results of running culture. Life of a runner, either lifestyle or hobby – wise. 

But there is also a way to lose running itself, love/hate anyways. Detour only for different reasons, too cold, too warm, too lazy, too injured. Feeling low or feeling high, too early too late, no time or too much time. 

Doing yoga once again on the daily basis, makes me sleep easier, makes me not so cold and not so feeling fat. Run is also here. Back to the 60kms per week, far from my peak weeks. Manage to go with the ones I’m ok with calling the crew. Or not. Sometimes there is too much of crew too.

Running doesn’t give the same feelings as gave couple of months ago, but that is ok too. I don’t run for PB nor for happiness or calming down, deifinitely for a goal to achieve, but all these together. Or more precisely, whatever it turns out to be after a run. Nowadays it is something new to pay attention to. I used to so much got attached to my crewmates lately I’m so annoyed of them now. Not them naturally, myself to be clear. Myself running in groups, losing identity to be a mass of a kind. Special kind anyways, the one so important for me. But something so intense can be easily hated in no second as well. I’m intensive, and being impulsive I prefer loneliness nowadays. Too much attachment detached me from my own running regimen, affected and affects my everydays in fact everymoments. 

And there is always a moment when one had enough and steps up and changes something in the everydays in order to undo the every from the days or moments. Running circles one must realize, and this gives the kick to move on. There might come a loss along the way but one shall see the positiveness or negativeness in their own decision in action some time later.

Jeopardize not so much rather risk the owned valuables in my case some well developed and important friendships. Or one in particular. 

Sometimes is good to run alone. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the enormous love towards my running mates, it’s just good to go lowkey in terms of running with my own thoughts, and respond to those rather than paying attention to one and all.

Annoyed of myself leads to a close up to the outside world in order to open to the inner soul and deal with own issues, good or bad.

But I also hope the others understand and won’t add new lines to my losses’ list. A half pair of glove is fine, a person I rather not loose. Nor the running, neither myrun, nor the socialruns.

When the wind is gone 

 
When the wind is gone gonna go for a run.

Up until I put on some music with the extra layers and dance myself calm. Dance everywhere.

Social activeness with the feeling lonely overtook, but as soon as I listen to some sounds of harmony I’m alright.

Parallel turning to yoga even for brief twenty minutes and that is ok.

End of season with no specific goals to push for, and once in a while this is ok too. 

The asphalt the cobblestones and trails are awaiting just as myself for my return. Soon. I feel it.

Critical

  
Which one is really me and what others see into it. In real and through SM? And do I care?

Last week it was all about talking of the psyche, although I was quite busy once again with work so much I barely made to running – or perhaps was it a pretty good excuse – I still managed to be occupied with buddies talks about feelings and running. When a runner talks about running…

I have my own issues in terms of acknowledgment but in the field of running I found my own ways with no need of feedback, in fact I like the nofeedback better. I feel good I found my crew and among the crew who really matters. And for them I stand up for, and get into conversation of psyche no matter how busy I am. Because they matter. Point taken.

Still, I know the obvious that people do rumor and do conversate about me just as the others based on brief encounters, even knowledge or at least what they believe is a knowledge. I have fun while running solo or in teams, running makes me happy, crew lifts me up. The way I am. Though this does not lead to the  fact to be careless and happy all the time. And I sometimes wonder how others think about me.

Critical mass is the running community, although the strong bonds have the real understanding of each other. And really, I find this encouraging and calming. So many rumors, negative and untruthful ones around us about us, it is good to feel safe with honest ones for at least a moment of so.

I’ve been talking with one of the close ones today, about another close one… And although I know these friendships are pretty short in the history of time, I still feel that these connections are intensively enough to take it serious. Not only we share common hobbies but we built each other up and ourselves by doing it together. 

Connections

I gotta admit: I smoke I drink and I dance quite a lot, I also curse in real life, though not much in written form, I cry and laugh in one minute apart and I eat – when I actually eat – bad food known as cookies and faz cheese. I get upset when I hear the news, when seeing a wrinkled deep eyed homeless or an old mankind with history as their aura. I also cry of anger and scream with the ones I love too. Tough on the outside and supersensitive inside. i also post a lot about myself wearing nike and sometimes I use trending hashtags though I don’t like them. And I seriously: only regret the selfies, and only sometimes.

Because

Because I know there are always whispers behind my back no matter what I do, human’s own ability to be jealous and critical of the others, but I measured the pros and contras and please feel free to talk about me feel free on judging; what I gained from the hastags known as meeting people all around of the world worth the bullying but that might be an exaggarated word though, I MET PEOPLE NOT ONLY HAVING THE SAME INTEREST BUT SENSITIVITY TO EACH OTHER. We got together cause we love running but we are also deep souls. And we became connections and friends. Special ones.

And I wonder, do runners have the most sensitive characteristic traces in human behavior? 

I’m glad to call myself a runner and through social media and through our running we are all united and live in peace. 

NYC

  
Spoilering the story with a finisher pic, in fact I did finish NYC Marathon this year again. 

It wasn’t easy nor hard, on the feet at least. I did not run out my heart but ran with a full heart. 

Season ending celebratory run I would say, but that wouldn’t be quite true. I could not nor I did run the way chronowise I needed to. But I kinda knew it for a long time. The no-runs, the antibiotic diet, the neverending coughing and the still ongoing sickness just made it simpler not to freak out on my unableness to run fast and strong I wanted a long time ago. I gave up rationally before even starting. Sounds weak and in fact I am weak, but also physically which eases the fact, a bit at least. Whining perhaps. But was easier to concentrate on the social effects, stands for a might be excuses to seek in case.

New York I was pretty afraid of. Powerless and kinda stressed out, planned the whole trip differently on the first place, but excercised myself to the new standards for long enough to be able to handle or at least pretend to handle. Therefore I was ok with hanging out alone in the big apple, in fact was awaiting for some spoil factor me-time. 

E X T R A O R D I N A R Y 

went with some doubts in me, both physically and mentally. NY has a meaning, and has a past. Last year, where I was unable to deal with the city, and my presence. This year I went to make up for it. Last year’s loss this year’s challenge. With some added fvck you attitude, I was totally made up of emotions to receive and feed up to fill up on – motto of the trip, should be motto of my life.

Was ready for tears and joy and some moustache effect. And some more. All achieved.

And as decided every milisecond worth I recorded for myself for further growth and benefit of being and acting myself. Don’t regret to feel low and to feel overwhelmed, to go easy on myself and slow on pace, it happened like that and happened for a reason. No, not quite true, I wish I had the strength as much as my courage to go for it and run my heart out. To throw up at the finish line for the chrono. But I was far far away from that. Mentally first and most of all. NYC had my effects on me, especially effecting me. From bone to through the vein stuck in my brain causing a soul destroyed, heart broken. But I decided to do it otherwise. To so so socialize instead of no no talk. To anyone. And instead I went out there nopainnogain if I cannot run it at least I should live life the fullest. 

Coffe with the moustache and some more wine, and some awesome talk on trails, calves and hats, tryouts, memories of XC, more coffee with ladies and gents, some hungarians some outernationals, all receiving extraordinary vibes and smiles it made me one of them. Even the cancelled cafe-ing the last day, another story, coincidental but seemed neccesary fur further growth only. And than some foodie moments hard to digest on the conversation involved. I’m so thankful for all these moments.

No, I’m not happy with my running overall, I don’t feel confident nor satisfied with finish time, but NY gave me there and than what I exactly needed. Went alone, but was never alone. During the race I was once again deeply in my thoughts parallel to acknowledging all bands and signs and cheers I could open up to. However, mile 21 I completely lost myself in the rythm of running so much that Leigh had to actually grab me from the cheer squad I wished not to miss, and in fact almost missed. Enormous scream from bridge-the-gap movement almost made me cry. Stopping and clapping and hugging made me realize, I’m alive, and this whole run was all about the people. Start-line meet and cheer with WangMan, the accidental first ever meeting with Jes, peeps I barely knew but felt like I was their closest buddies. And in fact we were afterall, Wang I’ve met 3 times already around the globe, Jess never before, but we immediately picked up the conversation we kept online throughout the past year of my running carrier. Chat became real life talk, smileys real laughs and little heart shaped emojis turned powerful hugs. And than of course the one I thought I knew pretty well, but NY made me question all, no thank you, I want and will not want connections making me go low. All about learning NY gave me. 

I didn’t know what to expect from NY beforehand and I was basically up to anything. Openmindness.

And what I really received is the thought of realizing: human feelings and connections make the world up and running, and I’m glad I feel even if too and overly sensitively.

I got tired during the race I must admit, but had no wall, other than catching the lady in running crime at 10k and deciding to slow down and run together for another 10k, totally losing pace but receiving the vibe. I wasn’t really realizing I’m actually running a marathon up until reaching Central Park and hooking up again with the italian I was hanging out with at the start line. Where I so missed M, but then again I missed M for the whole running sceneries, I can’t exactly recall when was the last time I ran without him other than SF Women’s Half but that was obviously a ladies race. Would be nice to share this one too. But I was there alone and up to anything building me up further. 

Conclusions are still a bit early to make but I’m overall happy and sad at the same time, am thankful for the weather the vibe and the crowd. The teas and coffees, the wines at some beer pubs, the local places and the big firm movie office, the lady who offered me the job and the same one who offered and I offered her my soul and have been friends for months but seems like forever. The galleries we rushed through with the blond, same blond as last year telling me she followed me on IG and I remembered that made me so proud and happy. 

Will gladly do it again, but I’m sure it would be once again different, and this time it was full. And this is how NY should be. I ❤️ NY