Wind in Wien

Theatre of emotions

Dare to think big was the main drive and marathon plan for Vienna. That’s before it started snowing and found out the in Vienna the weather forecast not only states wind but gusts as well. There is never no wind in Vienna. 

Dreamt big, and gave up on it almost immediately looking at the weather app notoriously hoping for a major change while updating for current stats almost every half an hour. But wind would not dare to stop, so I tucked my watch under my long sleeves not to be able to check the pace at the start line and all I wished for is to enjoy the race.

Having only two long runs in the legs since last november, those were my marathon training basically. Ran 30k twice, and did some speed work only when participating two halfs – berlin and vivicitta with unsatisfactory sub90- who was I fooling to go for a PB anyways. Bro kept telling me I gotta believe in myself. That was my marathon plan.

Than again, I started running with no visual on my chrono, only the feel and the feel of the wind. And the gusts, gee those were some powerful ones straight into my face later to my whole body. I trully enjoyed running up until 23-ish I would say, when all of a sudden I’d realized soon should be taking some fuel into me. That reminded on the fact that I haven’t run on fuel for my last couple of races, there was no need for it anyways, halfs I can take with nada. Tried to get the bloks out if my pocket just to realize my hands were frozen, but all it took is another 2k to finally manage to unzip and take out to hand. Decided to just hold for the rest of the road, no way I would be able to pack’em away and out once again. Deep in these kinda serious talk I suddenly saw bro cheering like a maniac and I felt something extraordinary never before. This personal satisfaction gave mixed vibes, I smiled but I also suddenly wanted to stop to hug him and hold him tightly to walk to some cafe and just eat a zacher rather than running a marathon. I passed by and smiled and kepz hearing the cheers for another km, he was that awesomly loud. 

Gave me power against the increasing wind just to realize I lost mind at 31. Knew, it’s too late but should at least drink some water. Couldn’t, opted no for a gel, and only at 36 had forced myself to finally drink some coke. 

I imagined myself one of those lost-mind-runners-at-the-finish who can’t find the finish gate running in slalom, that how I should look was pretty sure. So acted like a drunk pretending not to be a drunk when M passed me offering a gel -he said I look like shit- but I almost threw up on him only hearing the word gel. Yak.

I also thought of seeing bro again and I wasn’t sure what would be better to meet or not. Was pretty sure if I saw him again I immediately stop, and that I believed was ok. Eased my thoughts with 2km and will be over with the wall, but didn’t seem to pass on this. Fortunately G came again on the cheering at around 38-39 I think among with the most annoying gusts ever, but at that point I didn’t want to stop anymore, well I wanted to but also finish the race. A neveremding story came for the last 4km, and my finishing sprint happened at a 5:20 pace I’m quite sure. Had no catarsis at the end, and suprisingly I still ran a 3:14 marathon. Don’t know how I managed to run this, but that made me laugh. 

This maraton really thought me to enjoy passing the finishline. Never felt satisfied with myself after finishing a race because I always thought I had some power left. This time. All power was gone and that is something new and something good to be proud of myself. Competing with myself is one thing, competing with wind and myself is kinda hard to be trained for. I’m no good with the wind. Also keep thinking of bro’s cheer, whether I felt so thankful and happy about it that I lost some power on that I’m pretty sure. Running on emotions are not the same as running with a full heart. Confidence missing in the previous. But that was one modafakka awesomness on the other hand. 

And now I must begin with my marathon training. 

Failing a marathon still running 3:14 is pretty embarassing and I must appreciate and acknowledge my body’s capabilities. Those legs are some badass girlpowers and I love them!! 

Post half vibes

Story on how to cut 10 minutes a week after half in Berlin half, but still not enough for a satisflyed result in my soul and mind.

So, there is Berlin on foot and there is Berlin on race. I kinda know the city by the full marathon route by memory, kinda know the city by the cool streets the best stores, the landmarks of must visit by monsieur wong or the raclette restaurant I love, by the cheese plates elsewhere and by where we partied nights and days, some identical in terms of the above mentioned all as common. 

Half is just a half I eased myself into this, I can do it. Thought I.

Prayed to forget last week’s massive failure to run the lake half marathon, I had too much in that time in the mind actually. I so desperately wanted to do good with no actual and useful training to rely on, I wanted to stand on podium wanted to feel that some might be proud of me and look at me as a different person, as a lovable and less femme fatale way. Didn’t work as planned, but probably that came from the unconcsious conciousness, the too much thinking of what others think. Seriously freaked out on this.

And of course on the wind. Serious wind situation and I still started pushing myself to the limits at start with one of the Cs bro. Was his rhyhtm and stride length with the added hating of the wind, and by 2km I knew this whole thing can be dumped, my brain totally focused on the stopping all the way. In short nut so slow I finished and it and I sucked.

That got me in the state of mind to actually question all and everything. Berlin fail I took for granted. Fail on all I took for granted basically. My life my relationships with the world all got me into the big black hole. 

Nice start on the so awaited trip to Berlin. I start to believe that there must be an emotional attachment with Berlin running, I never go there with emptied mind. Usually it is really bad feelings except my last marathon there where I probably never was so happy in my life pre running races. This gave confidence, I knew now. Emotions and feelings matter.

This time, there was no confidence nor pure and calm happiness in me. This time, I was happy that at least we go together with bro&co. Cared none whether we talked or not, but at least we went. Weird but calm, retless but easy going, hard but ok, ambivalency on its top. Mixed thoughts lowering or rising my confidence depending on the moment, and there were a few.

Going for a race with elites is kinda unique for me as we prep so differently. I stick with naivity as pre-race routines I call, if one is missing I completely go insane. Beet-root juice, taking my mG and my special electrolyte drink the day before, having my gear photo-ed, listening to uplifting music, prepare to the unknown. Meanwhile the pros do something different. They do it differently, they don’t look at a race unknowingly I guess. I could feel and smell their different kinda calmness towards the race while it shiverred me how I can’t calm myself down. We eat pasta for dinner, I meet a friend while they had back to the hotel. Berlin on a different kinda saturday night. Getting back to base by 9:30, they all silent and laid back. Start to read a bit but must sleep to. Weird silence, weird non-verbal metacommunication and soon we sleep.

I leave earlier than the crew in tave day, they opt to run to start as a warm up, I take the u-bahn, don’t wanna risk running too much. Sit at the start-area listening to music, chatting with bro, and asking powerfully some gods to stop with the wind.

I almost miss getting into corals on time, but keep my mind shut to any kinda negativity, only to find out A coral runners are not allowed to enter the startline only 3 min pre racestart. German punctuality with italian hurdle jumpers getting over the fence we are stuck behind in. I’m jammed between men, not too many women I see around me, but off we go.

I catch on Leigh and we go too fast for the beginning. I feel weird, she is much faster but I feel more powerful than her today so I say goodbye around 5. She shouts gogogirl at me and I keep this in mind. In fact, I for one second cannot take my mind off the fact that I’m here and now. If my brain accidentally finds a thought I jump right back on I started too fast and the only chance is to go so I could make history on my own. I know I can’t I see my time, but I still push, from 10-14 I feel flow, awesome flow and enjoyment. 

Than I hit the vespa front of me trying to pass front of us. My thoughts were already in the state to accept that it isn’t a pb time when all of a sudden I run into to motorbike, which pushes me back but there are two more runnera on my back pushing to the vespa again and the theee of us finally move the biker and its bike to the ground. Organizers jump into the scene trying to get the mad man out of the street but he is mas and starts fighting. We quickly stand up – encounter did not take more than 20 secs- I scream fvck in hungarian and start running again. I take about 10-15 steps when I get back from shock now trying to decide whether cry it out now or try to keep my breathing at normal. I realize I started running at 3:50 pace. I force myself to slow down, my legs cannot take it.

I try to calm myself by saying at least I have an excuse not to pb, but cannot laugh it off, I’m no pro. Slowing down a bit to get my heartrate going and I somehow get back into flow by not caring much. Gave up probably. At 18 Leigh comes in superspeed telling me to go with her but this time I tell her to gogo. At 20, getting some confetti at the face I love for the goosebumps and crewlove, I know it is almost over. I realize I’m glad I did it or almost I’ll be doing so. A woman stops at 20.5 and I touch her back to tell her to come w me. I hold her hand. She comes for two steps, smiles at me than rather stops again. I go, I must go I tell myself, she will make it, it’s only 400 to go. 

Sub90 by a little and I was glad after a week ago total dissapointment I at least could do this. I see bro. Can tell how he looks at me that I must look dissapointed and it makes me start crying. I’m extremely happy to have him hugging me while I cry, and I just let it all out. It’s something about this is so calming yet I cry, sorrowed happiness. We walk out of the medal zone to my bag and soon we all back in normal life situation. At the time we meet the others it’s all gone, back into controll. 

But again Berlin had me some specialty and strong.
We are #geilballern