The D A Y

It’s blurred while crystal clear in my pow.

No matter how I put it, we finally talk. Overthinking can lead to serious selfdoubting. None of this happened.

The day I realized.

Spent the weekend in the yet green zoned abroad. The place I equalize with elegance en vogue. Where my striped and silk pieces are normal yet I can blend in. Where tribute sandals and wicker hat/tote bag is nothing to go extraordinary and bellinis are not a seeked for but average everydays.

Where the bottega venetas are not fake, yet i still covet. Where I picture myself in my adulthood of a kind. Just as I’d used to hang around in my younger self. Martinez, latenight but again early (as of 11am) meetings, where the tiger women sat all side table – if ever been to Cannes you just know of the tiger ladies. Sparkels and fame with a kot if hangover and serious business talks.

Secretly we flew abroad in spite of the pandemic. Only carry on luggage, yet wizzair charged for that too, so packing for 4 days was cruicial. Anything could fit next to day/night and swim diapers. Balenciaga as a beach tote, and the same for clutch, canvas ones we are off to Antibes come on. Easy breazy maxmara for the beach attire in case we are heading the Croisette sunumbrellas (it got soaked in pasta pomodoro by the smaller daughter), tribute slides by saint laurent, just because it’s so French je ne se pais, a gucci sandal in case anything more major happens and dressing up needed. And my runningshoes as a travelling buddy, good for walking ok with any dresses of the 3 I brought and even fits the tennis court – riccardo tisci guest designing 2 yrs ago, not really made for running, but fits antibes asphalt in case. Shiseido zen for the smell, and also for sunscreen. I was set to go. Ready for the booze and anything elegant as Grace Kelly sans the outcome of her life. Chanel googles for day and night, running or tennis or swimming.

No running occured nor major vogue moment of coctail sipping, unfortunately life remained normal, even less prosecco than usual. Instead of running the Provence territorry we occupied, baguette and croissants arrived at 6 am. Played tennis, watched maseratis arriving to their yachts and all I could think of is my priorites. No logo-based set ups rather friendships and relationships. No photos in my outfits (which did not exists) put in social media, but rather real life attachements. Relationships… like I don’t have to even if I wouldn’t mind refilling my hubby glasses every time he empties, don’t have to present and serve freshly made vegetable creamsoup for lunch. Don’t have to be shut up myself and the girls when anyone in deep (narcissist) conversation. I’m glad I made through my life so far as it is, glad to have friends’ honesty, glad I refound or I was refound by people really meant a lot if not all to me. I’m glad even if not considered down to earth can call the people around me so importantly real and equal.

I didn’t run. But tennised the night away. I behaved nice all the way back to Nice airport where I drank a whole bottle of Moet (we are in France come on:) I grabbed from the dury free shop. I’m glad I realised my hubby loves me down to the bone, my trailboy finally got to the habit to find the way back to talk the day away, my childhood friend thinks I’m worth a second serve, and afterall I’m still myself, even if I packed all these brands to spend four days in luxury.

Which turned out, I live in my kind of luxury anyways. Thankful for my life and hope to run the antibes really soon without all the fuzz!

Anxiety

That special beat in the heart, than the next one over the next. Keeps beating in intense speed, not really sure what’s going on but something is definitely off routine.

Two weeks of countryside with family, all it takes to pass on the routinely waking up at 5:30 just because it’s 5:30. It quickly becomes 7 am wake up call or even later if daughter no1 is not feeling well enough to join on a bike and ride me to the supermarket for the still hot croissants for breakfast. Not that it would considered a real run but at least it’s a moving of the ass and a reminder that once I was proud to announce and slap my own shoulder to be able to do it forever from 6am. To go for a run of at least 10k with a bit of elevation.

Vacation can overwrite all. Hanged the trx on the teracce with the hope to use it everyday. Never happened, all I did was cleaning the spiderweb from it; daily, so that’s a tick at least.

Omg but how I love this little getaway of ours, the closeness of the lake the easiness of dressing up (no bother), the cooking (no cooking), the whole set up. An hour ride and we are home. Both ways.

It messes up my running, but summer usually does anyways, at least I ran a bit. Not far.

But the beating of the heart stayed there. It seems like there are so much to worry about. Like everyday. But also in big time. It seems like all the rumors and gossiping, teh pandemic, the closing down of independent media, doesn’t even get me at all, have bigger concerns to think about. Can’t really say what exactly but it keeps bothering me.

Is it me getting older and a worrier? Or is just simply 2020. Is flying or no flying for just a quick abroad break gives the headache of the lifetime to decide? Daughter anxious on her sportcamp makes me cry cause I want her the best, is it normal/not normal? Being extremely tired; that I know for a fact, but is that a concern that it leads to overreactingly worrying anxiety?

Was so certain that future is bright and everything is ok and stays ok.

Even morning runs feel like I can’t go solo. Although today I went and it was awesome really. Should be with myself more often, I can be fun.

Never realized how certainty was always present in my life, took it for granted. Never really knew certainty was part it was so obvious and present, part of the routines, I guess. Messed this up too, as usual.

Wish I could help somehow, take actions get involved anchor something for the future certainty, but I’m too tired. Tired until I figure out, but in order to figure out I must not be tired. Spiralized.

Changes? Should there be changes done? What if I’m ok how it was with some accomodating instead? Would take it in the second if offered, anything to live something I used to live in. Stability, no worries, no cries.

Yet, I still worried whenever possible even when there was nothing to worry about. Overthinking was a major role of self, wonder if this period is only a temporary over-overthinking phase. Shutting the mind down would be a solution for not getting tired even before waking up for the day. Early run does the trick for the beginning of the day, keeps the body and the mind on the road til noon, but than it hits. I could go for another run yes, perhaps run the whole day Forrest, but there should be a way to enjoy or at least do the to do list I keep postpone cause I’m way too exhaustedly tired.

On the other and good news, we met with the childhood friend and will meet and play again soon, my dad taught my daughter in 20 minutes – it took me an unsuccesfull 3 years to fail to teach her – to bike, and she is great. The little one is a pain in the a$$ but keeps us entertained, and she is so funny she is now in the age to make us laugh. And cry sometimes too. I still love summer and it’s a bummer that only like 3 weeks left, than comes the whatever, noone knows.

I’m not worried but it would be nice to be confident in what I do or don’t. We decided to fly, see the sea, eat the meat (not me), drink the drinks (yes me). Wish it would be a relaxed resting holiday overtopping the family gathering which is the best but yet it’s a consant alertmode. How could something so lovingly good make the person overly exhausted on the end. I keep push to the limits, but actually do I do it good?

I’m no good.

But aiming to give the best I can.

It’s not a race, never was and never will be. It’s life. In its fullest.